Questions! What are the odds he will be ok with it.. And what lengths do I need to go to?

[Mikarose]

Hi all.

I have had hsv2 for about a month. I received this due to being assaulted. I am dealing with it. Had outbreak, now on suppressive meds.

 

Coincidentally I have met a guy in the last week or so who is absolutely amazing. I haven't told him yet, of course as we have only had a few dates. I feel like everything I've read about herpes so far is clouding my judgement and I worry it's making me think it's less of a deal than it is...

 

So looking for opinions:

 

1. Is it too soon for me to consider dating someone? I only went on the date to get out of the house yet then he turned out to be possibly the best guy I've ever met.

2. He is a seemingly normal, very attractive, educated guy - what are the odds he will be fine with this??? Is it only weirdos or older guys who will say this is fine? He's 26

3. Is there anything I can ask him.. Like a test question.. To gauge how he would handle it?

4. I'm afraid of if/when he tries to make a move - in my 'previous life' I was a little shy of all that and would have said 'it's too soon' regardless because I liked to be clearly exclusive prior to sex. Is it now lying if I just say 'too soon' now as like yes it's too soon but also impossible?

 

5. A bit tmi sorry: how much 'touching' can I allow before its crossing the transmission line? Obviously nothing 'direct' but through clothes? Ass grabbing? Or IS normal touching ok or not really in case he then somehow touches himself?? So confused as I dont even go near myself as it now freaks me out.

 

6. No idea how to tell when the right time to tell him, or anyone if this one doesn't work out. I suppose there is no answer to this one.

 

I have read the disclosure book and this has reassured me but maybe too much!?

 

Thank you

[2Legit2Quit]

I'm so sorry that has happened to you, how are you feeling mentally about handling everything and are you seeing someone like a therapist?

 

1. My personal opinion, is it may be too soon, but that's up to each individual. It's a lot to deal w at once. The assault and coming to terms w having H. I can tell you I would stress about disclosure after a good date or a couple and by week 3 after all that stressing of disclosure, I found that they weren't a good match for me and I wasted energy stressing about disclosure for no reason. Women tend to romanticize everything, including the first date. You gotta make yourself snap out of it and take it day by day, to keep your head on straight. Just my opinion.

2. We've seen all ages of guys be fine w it and not be fine w it. Think age isn't the issue, so much as lack of education, personal fears like someone w OCD and super health conscious, stuff like that. Just have the disclosure pamphlets on hand and provide the statistical sheet of transmission risk. Are you taking daily meds for suppression?

3. You could always ask if he's ever had cold sores and see what he says?

4. Not really sure what your question is?

5. Genital to genital contact and oral sex, even w out intercourse is too far and you'd need to disclose by then.

6. Give it a month and see where you guys are at that point. If it seems like things are moving forward at that point and you feel confident of that, disclose then.

[Mikarose]

Thanks for your response

I know what you mean about romanticising it.. I probably am doing that.

 

I've had a few more discussions with him now and Im pretty confident he will not be okay with it at all, which sucks as every other aspect is perfect so far. I am taking daily meds for suppression and have had no further symptoms which is almost annoying as physically I feel like the same girl as before. He actually mentioned cold sores without me bringing it up as he had apparently had a girlfriend who had face cold sores who had to take the tablets. He sounded like he was quite paranoid about them. I should probably just stop seeing him before I become too invested.

 

As for the way in which I got this - I am handling it, not seeing a therapist anymore as it's quite exhausting to talk about and I tend to just try not to think about it.

[2Legit2Quit]

Why? He was w her and he was just as much at risk getting it on his genitals almost, as he was having oral sex w her? Half of all new genital herpes cases are from HSV 1 via oral sex, so once you educate him on that, he may realize it's not a big deal and the risk wasn't much different. At least you have added protection of a condom and meds, most people aren't using protection for oral sex. It's really soon and you're getting ahead of yourself. Give it till week 3, not date 3 and regroup your thoughts there and see if you feel it is worth continuing for another week or two, before disclosing?

[WCSDancer2010]

@Mikarose

 

First - Hello and Welcome. Glad that @2legit helped you out - I've been off the boards a bit dealing with my aging father... trying to catch up here... :)

 

A couple points:

 

I'm afraid of if/when he tries to make a move - in my 'previous life' I was a little shy of all that and would have said 'it's too soon' regardless because I liked to be clearly exclusive prior to sex. Is it now lying if I just say 'too soon' now as like yes it's too soon but also impossible?

 

If you normally would way it's too soon, then it's too soon, period ... Herpes or no. It's not lying at all ... if anything Herpes is great for helping us to slow down and get past that "romanticizing" stage and start to see the person for who they are. It's part of what I call the Wingman Effect.... Herpes has a way of showing you who a person really is and helping you to pull back a bit and gauge their behaviors with less influence from those rose colored glasses we wear when the hormones are trying to fog our brains :)

 

That said, if he's that paranoid about H, IMO there are often other behaviors that go with that which can be more challenging (not necessarily "bad") to live with ... that is likely something you would have overlooked in the past but now you take note of it and maybe see other things that may take the bloom off the rose, as it were :)

 

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

 

[Mikarose]

Thank you for the responses. Thought I might just update this - I am still seeing the guy and managed to have the discussion recently. He has been absolutely amazing about it so far. Nothing too physical has happened yet but he hasn't ruled it out and still wants to see where this will go :)! Perhaps there is hope for me after all !

[2Legit2Quit]

Yaaahhhh!!

[WCSDancer2010]

Whooohooo! I think that his response was not only a fair one, but sensible ....

 

Now, let that Wingman do it's job :)

 

Keep us posted!

[Thumper]

It gives me a little hope too!:)

[Mikarose]

Another update - we are officially a couple and our sex life is aaaaamazing!! I couldn't have imagined it would be like this. He NEVER makes me feel awkward or gross or undesirable.

 

A month ago I thought everything was over for me - especially the sex/relationship aspects of life.. I would read 'success' stories on the internet and think 'either this is bullshit or the guy must be a weirdo' ... not the case here! The guy I'm with is smart, funny, caring aaand insanely attractive. He is one in a million and I am ridiculously lucky to have found him regardless of the h problem.. or not such a problem now.

 

I'm still afraid and wary that I will give it to him but I'm being extremely careful not to. I'm making a point of not becoming complacent by staying on the meds and keeping healthy and aware of myself.

 

To anyone that reads this that is feeling crappy, just know that when you meet the right person H won't matter :)

[2Legit2Quit]

Yaaahhhh! Congrats! So happy for you! @wcsdancer2010 can move this under the success stories!

[hippyherpy]

I had sex with someone within like two weeks of getting diagnosed and having my outbreak heal up. Shad jumped on surpressive mess, used condoms, disclosed.. the whole 9 yards. I don't think it's too early. Just make sure you are all healed up. Carpe diem.

 

This thread got me thinking..

 

As a guy, I can tell you that woman's beauty can have great power over men, especially in the heat of the moment. If I was a woman, I would make being as attractive as possible a priority because that's your argument for sex right there, and it can override fears of herpes.

 

For example, take one of the famous herpettes out there, a sex symbol like Scarlett Johanson. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a guy who wouldn't sleep with her regardless of H.

 

And bits not just for girls- I think it would behoove any guy to look as good as possible and be as cool as possible and max out his game if he wants to get with women, especially if he's going to be disclosing that he has herpes.

[Mikarose]

@hippyherpy ..totally not the point of my post but interesting nonetheless!!

I don't really think it's nice behaviour to use my looks to coerce a guy into being ok with herpes especially whilst in the heat of the moment :P

 

And in my particular situation id say my appearance got him interested but ultimately i kind of doubt he would take the risk if we didn't have a connection beyond physical

[chikitta13]

I actually have a personal rule to avoid disclosing in the heat of the moment. Or while drinking. But I'm also going for something different at this point in time. Not sure if that's quite the same though.

[2Legit2Quit]

Hahahah... You're funny @mikarose. . HH has a very different mentality than most w H. At first he can be shocking, but he's come a long way, trust me. You eventually get used to it and he starts to grow on ya, but believe me.... If you saw where he's come from you'd realize he's made a lot of progress and he at least discloses, although not in the method we prefer, but there was a time he didn't want to disclose and was looking for ways out of doing so. Do we're happy he does it period and he's done it through text as well, before the heat of the moment.

 

@chikitta13. What has made you decide to chnagdtyour disclosure strategy?

[chikitta13]

That's always been my approach. I just want potential partners to have space around the decision. Decisions made while drinking and half clothed are sometimes lacking in full consideration of risk versus benefit. I also don't want to use alcohol as a crutch. It's forced me to be more honest with myself about a lot of things. Just a personal decision.

[2Legit2Quit]

Yeah I hear ya

[WCSDancer2010]

Yup - @hippyherpy - if you are looking for hook-ups, the looks thing certainly would be part of the deal I guess, but having had guys *say* they are into ME enough to have sex with me, and then have them freak out the next day, I'm not into doing things that will have them make a decision that they may regret the next day..... not that I don't dress nice and what-not, but I'm not going to over-do it to a point to where the wrong head is in charge. I want them to be into ME first and foremost because I'm looking for a relationship, with wanting to get INTO me being a close second... but second nonetheless. In a relationship, sex is one small (though important) part of the relation equation.... if they are mostly into me because they think I'm hot, odds are I'll end up getting hurt... so I slow things down enough for the big head to get back in charge ... then if they choose to walk, I honor their decision and it's easier to move on :)