Dealing with the fear? And opinion

[Feelingblue]

So all. I'll start with a success. I have a partner, he got informed, he carried on with the relationship.

 

But I have some fears and I'm wondering how people cope with this. He doesn't always want to use condoms. Yes there is a risk, I've tried to discuss this several times. I can't keep stressing the point. But the risk is low. I also take antivirals. However I am so scared I will give it to him, which he says would be a big negative for us. How do people cope with the fear of passing this on?

 

Also since we've been together, every small mark, but of irritation, little itch I'm convinced is h. This is weekly. I understand that checking myself constantly is irritating the skin and has caused a few splits and sore patches. So constant checking and worrying is making it worse. How do people learn to deal with this fear?

 

I also spoke with an expert, who said if you have an outbreak in an area which is not in contact during normal intercourse, such as inside the bum (sorry) that you are unlikely to pass it on. They said you are not shedding from everywhere when you have an outbreak. Just like kissing someone on the cheek who has a cold sore on their mouth, this is fine. It was also pointed out that doctors would advise against any contact to be cautious. What are people's thoughts on this?

[2Legit2Quit]

First and foremost, I am so sorry you're dealing w basically being guilt tripped for having H. If this is something he doesn't think he can handle, then he doesn't deserve you in his life. We often w having H, seem to feel like we are just so lucky and blessed someone accepted us w this and put up w a lot and that's just wrong! He has no right in doing so. He knows the risks and it is on HIM, JOT YOU! You are doing your part in trying to protect him and his part of true acceptance, is being OK w the risk of possibly getting this. Thay means no throwing it in your face.

 

What the expert said is true to a point. The fact of the matter, you coukd be shedding anywhere, even at a site you don't have an OB,albeit a very low risk, but still a risk nonetheless. I will say from once being obsessive w checking myself A LOT, that doing so does not cause split's in the skin, unless you used a nail to cut yourself.

 

Your situation is a tough one tbh on how to learn to get comfortable and not stressing, but on all honesty, I don't think you ever will w him; due to how he guilts you. I think k over time, its going to put a huge strain in the relationship and I have to question, is he going to throw it in your face and make you pay if he dies get it? I would not go bare back w him, despite how much he wants to, because of how he is behaving.

 

I think @wcsdancer2010 would be better to answer this one, as I've not been sexually active since having H. Not because of H, for other reasons, but I can't give the advice I'd like, cause I haven't experienced what you are yet. May I ask how long you've had this? Maybe being new to it is part of the struggle? Hugs!

[Mikarose]

I think it's almost unfair for him to say it would be a big negative for both of you if he was to get it yet he's not really helping the situation by suggesting no condoms! I mean it would be easier for you in the long run if he got it so you wouldn't have to worry hah.

 

I'm in a similar position, I'm in a new relationship with someone who doesn't have it and obviously doesn't want it and I reallllly don't want to give it to him!! I find it difficult not to ask him 'sooo do you feel anything different' and analyse his dick for signs of it!! I have told him to please do whatever he feels is needed to prevent himself getting it and not to worry about offending me.

 

Have you had an outbreak whilst on antivirals?

I'm not sure about that last part but I would avoid sex altogether if I had an outbreak, just to be on the safer side.

[Feelingblue]

Well I don't know how he would act if he got it. I know he said it would be a big negative. But let's face it, none of us would want it. I have reminded him again and again of the risk. So I can only assume that he knows and has accepted that. He doesn't bring it up and when I do, says he'd forgotten about it. So I'm not sure it really is that big a deal to him. But I would feel vey guilty if I gave it to him. He doesn't want it, I know that, but I don't know that he'd guilt me. It's my fear, more than how I'm being treated. I really want to say I've told him the risk so now it's on him and not feel the guilt.

 

I have always had sensitive skin down there, prone to little abrasions after sex ect, even when I was negative for h. So if I have an irritated patch I'll fiddle so much that the skin breaks or I rub it off. I'm talking tiny marks not bit cuts.

 

I've had it about 5 months.

[Feelingblue]

Mikarose this is my point really. They don't want it, we get that. No one would want it. I don't think they are being cruel saying they don't want it, no one would. And that's the problem it's our concern and our fears and guilt and I'm not sure how to combat that.

 

They have both obviously made their choice to be with us and what risk to take. I also know that with antivirals the transmission rate is so low only 2% per year without condoms. So maybe we just worry too much?

[2Legit2Quit]

Honey, him saying what he has said, is guilting you. Someone who is OK w it, doesn't say stuff like that. My gf had H when she mef her now husband and she only found out he got it from her, by going through his medical records when he got out the army. He still 8yrs later, hasn't said a peep to her about it and he doesn't know she knows. (She's terrible about opening up and talking about vulnerable things). I asked why she thinks he never said anything and she said she thinks he doesn't wanna make her feel bad. That is someone who truly never cares if he got it.

 

We all would feel terrible if we passed it to someone, unfortunately only so much of it is in our control. If we can't control something, is it worth stressing over? No... You're doing your part that you can control and then there's this small part that none of us have control over and it will be a struggle for all of us to let that part go. I know it's hard not to obsess and look down there, but messing w it and causing I jury is upping the risk for the virsu to surface, because H likes the path of least resistance. I suggest journaling daily for the next several months your symptoms and locations daily w possible triggers, so you can stop obsessing and learn your body post H. That was how I was able to stop myself from stressing and learn my body post H and not needing to check daily. I may check once a month now, if that.

 

5 months is early. I was sort of just accepting then, but was still obsessing. I didn't really stop obsessing until about a yr almost. Be patient w yourself. As time goes on, you will be more relaxed about this.

[Mikarose]

TMI but are you using quality lube? As in not the fancy flavoured kind? Even if you don't need it - I also have sensitive skin and I find that helps a lot. I even use a thrush cream every so often just in case! I say this as maybe you'd feel more relaxed if you had less annoyances down there to be concerned with.

 

It sounds like he likes you too much to be bothered and you just have to trust what he's saying. It doesn't sound like he will make you feel guilty about it if he gets it. He will probably just say well thats annoying

[Feelingblue]

How can you care about someone so much that you don't care unless you're in a long relationship. I don't know maybe I'm just stressing about this too much. I don't know what his reaction would be if he got it. And I keep thinking every time we have sex he ll get it. But the risk is quite low in reality.

[2Legit2Quit]

I don't think that anyone just one day doesn't care, they just come to realize that this is something that is never going to go away and if they allow it to affect them and consume them, that alone woukd be more detrimental to the relationship. I'm sure when my time comes too, that I'll be stressing as well. A lot of your stress is coming from it still being such a new infection for you and it sounds like you haven't come to complete acceptance of it yourself maybe? Be patient and kind to yourself.

[Bambina3]

The fear is real, I was always worried about catching something, never realizing I was the carrier of this, they say in time it get better....I'm still waiting too

[Mikarose]

How long have you known him or been together for? I've known my boyfriend a month and he is accepting the risk even though it's actually been a fear for him in life from a previous relationship who got cold sores (as in mouth). It confuses me too and worries me as I honestly don't know if I would be that relaxed with it.

 

I figure they do care about getting it but they care about the relationship more. I'm sure you (and I) will get used to it and not be as worried.

[WCSDancer2010]

Here's the deal:

 

HE is choosing to not use condoms. So for him to say it would "be a big negative" is pretty shitty ... not that he's not right, but if it is that big of a deal for him, HE needs to take responsibility for protecting himself. It's like when a girl gets pregnant and the guy says HE'S not ready to be a daddy... like, if you didn't use a condom and you put ALL the birth control responsibility on the girl, then you need to step your sorry ass up and stand by that baby. Same for Herpes. He is choosing to not use a condom. If he says that again, point out to him that if that's how he feels he needs to wear a condom from now on or sex is out because YOU will not carry the full burden of protecting him any more.

 

Sorry but this is a real hot spot for me! ..I'm tired of guys putting all the responsibility for THEIR long term welfare on the woman.... ugh...

 

As for YOUR responsibility:

 

Think of it this way...

 

**I assume you drive a car

**and I assume if that is correct, you may occasionally drive your lover/BF somewhere

**And you BOTH know there is ALWAYS a risk of a car accident no matter how careful you are

**But you drive him anyway, right? Do you obsess day and night that you might injure/kill him every time he gets in your car? I doubt it.

**Why is the possibility of passing on H any different? At least it won't kill him!!!

 

Think on it :)

 

[Feelingblue]

Well I've told him several times there's still a small risk. I don't think I can make it much clearer. I've told him to put a condom on. He does when I ask. when he doesn't want to I tell him it's his risk. I told him I take suppressive meds, he tells me I'm worrying about it too much. So I'm struggling with my head that I've told him and all of these things are his choices vs the guilt. On one side I don't see how he can be that concerned, but then some comments suggest otherwise. But I don't see what else I can do. It is his decision at the end of the day.

[Elise1977]

First of all, my feelings on his statement about it being a big negative depend on when he told you and in what way. Was it right after you disclosed? One of the first things my boyfriend said after I disclosed was "Well, this isn't ideal", which of course it isn't, but at the moment, it stung. No one wants to be anything but ideal, especially in a newish relationship with someone you really care for. After thinking about it, though, I realized nothing and no one is ever going to be ideal. So, if he was still in processing mode, I would forgive the statement and take the fact that he's with you and tells you that you're worrying too much as a sign that he's accepting the risk.

 

If he continues to say it, though, or continues to insinuate that he's doing you some big scary favor by sleeping with you, that is borderline abusive to me and I wouldn't tolerate it.

 

I think you need to stop bringing up the risks. He knows the risks. You're psyching yourself out of being able to enjoy the physical aspect of your relationship and I promise it's carrying through into other parts of your relationship.

[Feelingblue]

He actually said it a month or so after I disclosed. But he said it when I brought it up and we were talking about it. Not just out of the blue. I guess he wouldn't have said it if I wasn't talking about it. But I don't know if that's any better. I am going to stop bringing it up I think, he knows the risks.

 

No he basically says I'm perfect and what's wrong with me there must be something wrong no one is this perfect. So he doesn't put me down or make me feel like he's doing me a favour. I don't know if I'm taking his comment too seriously or if it was just said in a bad way. Of course he doesn't want it. But guess he's accepted the risk

[Elise1977]

I think sometimes when we're dealing with self esteem issues, we will push people to the point of forcing them to confirm our fears, even if we lead them to answer a question the way we are sure they must really feel. Somehow it justifies all the things we feel about ourselves and our relationships. Of course getting herpes is a negative, but if he's not using it as a weapon against you, and isn't the one proactively talking about it and how bad it would be, I would definitely just leave the risk discussions alone.

 

That said, if you are talking about it in the way of needing support because of how it is affecting YOU, then I hope he will listen and be supportive. And if YOU want to use a condom because it makes the experience better for you because you feel safer and more relaxed, I would hope he would respect that.

[Feelingblue]

Thank you Elise that really helps. I think it's my fear more than his. I hope I can get over it.

[Elise1977]

We all take risks and make sacrifices in our relationships. My boyfriend takes the risk with me of contracting herpes. I chose to be in a relationship with him, knowing he has a young child and an ex-wife. I love my boyfriend, and I love his son, but it does present complications and there will be sacrifices to be made. It is worth it because of the way I feel about them. A good partner will accept that the risks, complications and sacrifices are a part of caring for someone. Don't let your fear make you feel like you are less than you are!

[WCSDancer2010]

@Feelingblue

 

Bottom line: He's a grown-assed man, who can make grown-assed choices about his health.... and if he's ok with not using a condom knowing the risks, then stop trying to control that part - you are taking the meds, you are doing your part. That's all you can do. It sounds like his comment was just a thoughtless comment and I'm guessing he has no idea how much it hurt you, so perhaps you need to clear that air with him... don't get ugly, just let him know that it triggered YOUR insecurity so he hopefully will think a little more before he makes future comments.

 

@Elise1977 is right:

 

Herpes tends to give us an excuse that "proves" all of our insecurities ... and we have to be careful to not then get so into the negative thoughts about how no one should love us and such that we end up pushing them away through our actions (which then makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy)

 

AND

 

There's MANY things out there that we have to make adjustments for in our partners.... or not ... (they are called deal breakers in the dating world). Herpes isn't the only thing that people have to disclose or that they fear will make them "unlovable" or "less desirable". Don't let Herpes have that kind of control over you.... :)

 

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

 

http://www.match.com/magazine/article/4010/I-Have-a-Secret-How-to-Reveal-It-To-Your-Date/