Guy just blocked me on a dating site

[BoatyMcBoatface]

No big loss, but this kinda stings. It's only been a week for me since finding out. I was a member of this dating site before I found out and was talking to someone there. I told him after a few emails that I had it. I just went back to check on the email thread and it says the member has either disabled their account or blocked you. This was about 3 hours after I told him. Not a H+ site. I already miss the freedom and confidence I used to have.

[mr_hopp]

Yeah, ouch. Big hugs. And there are going to be people who outright judge you without actually knowing you yet. It happens. And moving on and developing that resiliency that you're building is crucial. The freedom and confidence you used to have is still there for you. It's just hidden underneath the shame and stigma. And once you find it again, it'll be the kind of freedom and confidence that comes from a deeper, more whole place.

[optimist]

@BoatyMcBoatface - I'm sorry that happened to you. Who knows why they had such a strong reaction. Probably just an ignorant jerk but you never know, they may carry shame about their own status.

 

A girlfriend of mine has strongly encouraged me to try a "positive" site because she thinks I will otherwise have too much anxiety about transmission. I tried to explain to her that the vast majority of adults on regular dating sites are capable of transmitting herpes one way or another but it didn't get through.

[BoatyMcBoatface]

Wow cool my first comment from the site owner haha. Thanks Adrial. I have watched several of your videos already.

 

I looked at a pic of myself the other day from last December, a time when I didn't have herpes. This picture was taken at a very happy moment for me and I was dressed up nice, but I just cried looking at it. I feel like that girl is gone now.

 

Yeah optimist I also believe at this point if you are dating/sleeping with people that don't have proof positive tests that date back 4-5 months since their last partner and the partner's past partners etc... you're at risk. I got it with a condom. It's like living in NYC and getting bedbugs. Sooo many people have gotten bedbugs even though they thought they "never would". Messy apartments, clean apartments, expensive penthouses..doesn't matter those little suckers will find a way in.

 

I'm not looking for a H+ guy or a H- guy. I'm looking for..a guy. I'm not even a fan of online dating meeting in person has always worked out better for me. I will be so happy if/when someone accepts me despite this. I didn't ask for this. :(.

[Sil88]

That's a stinger.. good job he showed his true colours though right? If you were only diagnosed a week ago, I'd have thought you could use some time to look after yourself and put a pause on dating for a while. Or do you think you've had it a long time and just didn't realise?

[BoatyMcBoatface]

My strongest indication is that I got it at the end of March. I tested negative last October 2 months after last seeing someone in August so there's the chance the antibodies weren't there yet, but I didn't have the horrible flu and leisons back then like I did a couple weeks ago. I belive this was the initial outbreak.

 

Anyways I was already a member of this dating site and I didn't know once I found out if I should delete my profile or try to keep moving forward telling guys after a few emails but before we agree to meet in person. I feel like I would be deciving them otherwise.

[julia_l]

Take a breath and a break. Don't put it on the dating sites. You need to bond with someone before telling them. And it's far batter to tell them in person. Keep it light on the dating sites.

[janedoe]

Give yourself some time to come to terms with your diagnosis. And who cares he blocked you... He is just one guy, there are many many guys who doesn't give a crap abt this. The thing you have to keep in mind that rejection happens no matter what. You can be the most beautiful and talented person in the world and still get rejected. Little perspective: I rejected so many guys before my diagnosis. My top ten reasons for rejecting someone: blonde hair, short legs ( looks weird), small penis ;), no college degree, nose -ear hair, weird fingernails, back hair, mustaches -beards, being short, not good at kissing. Aside from the college degree thing, there is nothing a guy can do abt these - it is genetics. It is almost the same thing as herpes. Don't take this guy seriously. His rejection doesn't represent anything.

[BoatyMcBoatface]

I like blondes haha. My sadness is not about that guy specificallly, but I fear his reaction from others. I think you know that already though. That now there is something, a microscopic virus inside the cells of your body that causes a few blisters/bumps a few times a year, maybe, that will make another human being BOLT! that if you come near me your dick or mouth may end up looking like the worst of the worst google images of herpes!! It is not the same reaction as telling someone you have lupus or something but I didn't ask for this to happen either! So mad!

 

 

[janedoe]

Honey, you are kind of overreacting.

 

In the case of Runners, I figured either they are scared abt catching herpes cause it doesn't align with their motives (in short they are the players) or they are literally in the mindset of "I am so careful who I chose to sleep with, nothing bad will happen to me". So by eliminating you, they "believe" that they eliminate the risk - we all know how fcked up this kind of thinking is. So, if you are looking for a LTR, runners shouldn't be on your list of interest either. If you are looking for a short term arrangement, I'd still want the other person to be educated and responsible which means that they don't make this a big deal. So, there you go. Aside from the fact that herpes will increase your # of rejections, it is not a game changer.

 

Let's make a little projection: say you happen to be in a relationship with this guy and some serious illness like cancer comes into play. Do you honestly believe that this guy would stick around and support you? I don't think so. Why would you want someone in your life who is ready to run when something bad happens? This guy made you a favor. And honestly, running over hills abt herpes? It says sooo much abt his personality. At least, he is not willing to research this which means he is kind of a closeminded person and it is a deal breaker for me.

 

Nobody wants this herpes thing to happen but it happened. Yes, some folk will reject you because of this but it has nothing to do with you, it is their business. Fear of rejection is not a healthy thing to have - it is an illogical mindset that can cause much bigger problems than herpes.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@BoatyMcBoatface

 

I tell people All.The.Time.

 

Herpes makes an AWESOME Wingman. Yep. Its true. May not seem like it now, but you just dodged a HUGE bullet with that guy and you can thank your little H man. You see, odds are:

 

1) He wasn't into YOU... he just wanted to GET INTO you

 

or

 

2) He's an ignorant and judgemental jerk who thinks hell never get H because he's either "above" such things or he can "tell" who has it (I dated a guy briefly who was CONVINCED he could tell who had it... even after I told him I had it ... I think the thought I was "safe" because he could "tell" if I was shedding. That one didn't last long! LOL).

 

Point being: if he ran that fast, he's showing his true colors one way or another. Be THANKFUL.

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story Wingman example

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

I suggest you go to the Success Stories section and read all you can there. So many of our SS folks will say after the fact that they are finding love that is DEEPER and MORE MEANINGFUL and BETTER than they ever experienced after getting Herpes.... because their way of dating changes. Their Wingman got rid of the bolters and the players. And it made them MUCH more selective about who THEY would allow to get intimate with. The 2 below are examples of the extremes of where someone started and how they found love in spite of their belief that they would never find love:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said-thisisgoingtobeok

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville (READ TO THE END!!)

 

And two of our most recent stories:

 

https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/7529/from-disclosing-to-being-his-girlfriend-in-minutes

 

https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/7829/hpv-and-hsv-disclosure-success-story

 

"Rejection" also causes a truly *physical* reaction in us.... because it's in our nature to need to be a community based being in order to stay alive.... and with that comes the need to be accepted and not rejected. Now, that was all great and well when there were Saber Toothed Tigers waiting to eat us if we were banished from the group. Unfortunately it doesn't do us much good now and in fact it will make us stay in unhealthy relationships for fear of being "alone" or unworthy of love from another. If you can grasp this and become comfortable with it, rejection won't have the grasp on you that it does now.

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4699/first-real-disclosure-first-real-rejection

 

Bottom line: Give yourself time. Read all you can here. Get support. And work on loving you first and foremost in the meantime. That last point will prepare you to find the love of your life better than anything else ... because the man who falls for you won't even begin to allow the virus to get between you and him :)

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

[hippyherpy]

Why should herpes be different from any other thing that gets you blocked?

 

People can block people on dating websites for all sorts of reasons.

 

Also, it's just one dude out of millions and millions. In the early stages of dating, you got to just think of it as like an arcade game. You lose, so what.. just pop another quarter in and keep going.

 

You will get better at dealing with herpes related rejections- they are just like any other rejection. And, you will probably find that there are many more people out there who are ok with it.

 

My advice is to not list in on your profile. It's a bit of personal information that can be shared after you've met the person and looks like things are getting hot and heavy.

 

The freedom and confidence is all in you- it's in your head. It's there. You can tell yourself it isn't, but that's a lie.

[WCSDancer2010]

@hippyherpy

 

There's no "best way" to go about when to tell, including whether you list it on your profile. I had my info on mine when I was on (I'm taking a break right now as I'm dealing with my aging father so I don't have time to devote to a new relationship) and I actually got BETTER guys contacting me because they honored the fact that I was honest, unapologetic, and knew what I wanted and what I'm looking for: ie, they realized I wasn't there to waste anyone's time. Each person has to find what works for them .

 

My only personal feeling is that if we all could just be up front and be ok with putting it out there early on, the stigma would HAVE to dissipate because people would be overwhelmed with seeing how many people that, to them, might not "look" like they have an STD... and that would be a massive blow to the few that are judgemental out there....because it would take away the one thing that makes it possible for them to hold so tight to their opinions: ignorance.

 

Either way, there's no "right" way :)

[Sil88]

@BoatyMcBoatface

 

Looks like you're gonna have to change your username btw :(

 

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-36225652

 

I was hoping for BMcBF too..

[hippyherpy]

Never said there is a "right" way as in the only way, but there's a lot of personal stuff that people broadcast on online dating websites. Considering that herpes isn't a big deal, I don't see the point in putting it up there.

 

Let's say you had ringworm on your elbow. Would you put that in your profile?

 

Or what if you had genitalia that was slightly different than what most people consider to be normal, or were super rich or any number of personal things.. would you put that stuff on your online profile?

 

The purpose of a profile is just to help get to meet the person in real

life.

[BoatyMcBoatface]

I think there may be some people though that think you owed it to them to tell them ahead of meeting. It's not a personal quirk but a "disease" contracted though sexual activity which is something you'd plan on engaging with a person you meet on a dating site.

[hippyherpy]

You don't know if you want to engage them sexually until you meet sometimes- correct?

[WCSDancer2010]

It's assumed if you are looking for a relationship that at some point sex will be part of the deal.

 

AND

 

I have no shame in my game. IMO one of the reasons that the stigma is so strong is the unwillingness of most to discuss it. The silence reinforces the stigma. And the stigma reinforces the silence. So I decided to break the silence. I chose to put it out on my profile, along with some basic info, because I was tired of the ignorance. And I frankly didn't give two shits if I never heard from one guy. So I was really pleasantly surprised at the guys who contacted me.... I knew that they had actually taken the time to READ my profile (my disclosure was near the bottom) ... guys looking for a quick lay or a casual relationship don't tend to read too far down the page...LOL

 

This all happened when I was becoming an advocate. I figured if I can't be 100% ok with my status, it's going to be hard to support others. So I came out not only on the dating sites, but on FB as well. And the really COOL thing? Not.One.Person. said anything nasty or rude. I haven't got one nasty letter on any of the dating profiles. It showed me that if you are *confident* about this, few if any will be ugly.... and that, to me, was HUGE.

 

The way I look at it, I have done nothing wrong. I got unlucky, that's all. And I see FAR too many people who are in misery when they are diagnosed because of the silence. Because they think they are alone in this, that it labels them a dirty, ugly person, and their life is over. And (IMO) it's all thanks to the silence. So if my "coming out" helps others because they read it and realized they are not alone, whether they contact me or not (and several have) then it's all worth it and all good.

 

AND.... I totally honor those who wish to remain silent.

 

I've had this 35+ years.... and I'm an Advocate... so I guess I kinda play by different "rules" too.... after all, *someone* has to lead the charge as far as finding way to make the public more aware of what herpes is (and isn't!) and the fact that people are not being tested nor are they being educated.

 

And I can always take it off if I go back on the sites. But I probably won't. I'm a pretty transparent person anyway. People can take me or leave me as I am.... warts, herpes, and all....LOL... I'm not everyone's cup of tea but I know the right man will find me to be one hell of a great mate because he won't have to worry about what I'm "hiding".

 

My story is here if you are interested in that part of my journey :)

 

https://herpeslife.com/herpes-thoughts-carrier/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1754/im-out-of-the-herpes-closet/p1

[hippyherpy]

I think that people don't care about herpes as much as the hype tells us.

 

I consider having herpes a personal thing that I wouldn't share on the dating websites just like a lot of other things I don't share on the websites. I don't feel a need to "wear it on my sleeve" because it isn't at all part of the core defining aspects of who I am.

 

It is cool that you are doing that though because the more people fell normal about the herp the better.