When someone wants to have sex with you...

[Bluebetty]

What can you say to them? This person is really wanting to have sex and I'm sitting here locked in my prison. Of course, accepting an invitation like that is what got me here. Do you just say, "I'm sorry, I'm married" or what.

[Rop63]

Dear Blue. It makes me sad that you feel you are locked in a prison. If you can, try to see that many of us here who have been living with this for years are very happy folk that have good relationships and sexual encounters. It takes time to get comfortable with it, but as long as you continue to characterize it that way, the longer it will take to you see that it is not. You sound like a lovely person who is doing themselves a disservice.

 

As for the question, if you are thinking to make something up so as not to have sex, why not tell the truth and see where it gets you. Telling them your married may permanently close the door, but telling you have HSV might not - believe it or not!

[Bluebetty]

You can't give it to someone else! Especially basically telling them it's going to happen to them by announcing it up front instead of leaving it to chance.

[MMissouri]

I have to agree with Rop63. If anything, it might give you experience with disclosing.

[optimist]

I think it's not such a great idea to disclose when 1) the person disclosing doesn't want to have sex, and 2) the person disclosing feels strongly that a diagnosis is a tragedy. I don't think that's a great foundation for disclosing, even just for practice. More therapeutic practice might be with friends, family or a therapist, not someone one is actively avoiding having sex with. Just my opinion.

 

[MMissouri]

You have a good point optimist. I just don't think lying about being married is going to help anything. If you are going to tell him something to get him to go away, herpes just might work.

[Bluebetty]

I wish I could "like" your comments like on Facebook. Thank you. I feel like it's nobody's business if I have herpes. I guess just letting them know I'm not interested with no reason given is ok. Now, if it's someone I'm spending time with socially and it starts getting to that point, then I would have to tell.

[Rop63]

Apologies, I clearly misunderstood that you liked this person. Of course if you are not interested, then by no means do you need to disclose. In the context of this website, I am not quite sure why you asked the question here.

[Bluebetty]

No, no... What I was saying was, I would rather let the person have the impression in their mind that I was not interested, rather than tell people that I am infected with a disease as the reason why I am not able to have sex. The guy I was with when I got my test results, after I told him I was positive, he got freaked out and ran out the door and hasn't contacted me since. I don't want to experience that again.

[MMissouri]

Then just tell them you aren't interested in casual sex or that you don't want to have sex. Whatever way you want to word it. You don't have to give them excuses because frankly, it's none of their business.

[Bluebetty]

But it is giving an excuse, because I do want to have sex and it's very tempting, I just have to be diplomatic and get out of the conversation.

[optimist]

@Bluebetty From reading many of your posts, it seems to me like you're still processing your diagnosis, what it means for you, and also dealing with feelings about how you acquired it from your last partner. Perhaps you could tell this new prospect that you're taking some time for yourself right now and don't know when you'll be ready to start dating again.

 

[Bluebetty]

How do you stop processing it when it's always there and is not going to go away - unless there is a cure which I think there will be soon. Better not to say anything, just let the person think that you did not feel an attraction for them. The person who gave it to me says a lot of people have this and it's no big deal, and he advised me that he doesn't think there is any reason to mention it. He says out of about 20 people he's had sex with, only me and the woman he is currently with got infected. But I think he is wrong for doing this.

[MMissouri]

@bluebetty, my husband doesn't disclose either. (But he has oral HSV1). His reasoning is that he's had it since he was a kid, and for him it isn't an STD. However, if he is my giver, then that's one genital infection he has caused. And since was like hippyherpy when he was younger, and always unprotected, I'm sure I wasn't the first or the last.

 

And.. I hate to say this.. but most doctors say it's not necessary to disclose. So unless you are newly diagnosed and looking for answers, or having emotional issues with your status, you aren't searching online for herpes forums. In addition, when you just run into general discussions about herpes, and see how it's usually talked about, it probably influences disclosures also (not in a good way).

 

I'm going to guess that the majority of people who have hsv do not disclose.

[Bambina3]

Doctors do discourage disclosure, I cannot grasp that....I was told by 2 doctors not to disclose.

[WCSDancer2010]

No, no... What I was saying was, I would rather let the person have the impression in their mind that I was not interested, rather than tell people that I am infected with a disease as the reason why I am not able to have sex. The guy I was with when I got my test results, after I told him I was positive, he got freaked out and ran out the door and hasn't contacted me since. I don't want to experience that again.

 

So what you are saying is that because of one jackass, you are going to deprive yourself of the potential for possibly having a wonderful sexual partner?

 

Let me ask you this... if this was your (Adult!) daughter (and lets take Herpes out of the conversation... right now I want to discuss rejection... not the *reason* for it) ... what would you say to her? If she came to you and said "I really like this guy and he likes me but Bobby was so nasty to me when he broke up with me that I just don't want to risk getting hurt again" ... would you tell her "Of course! what a smart thing to do!" ... or would you tell her "Honey, there are mean people out there, and people who will break your heart. But you have to pick yourself up and open your heart again when the right person comes along".

 

Sure - rejection SUCKS. Doesn't matter what you get rejected for. And there are some really interesting articles about Rejection and how it physiologically affects the body. I'll put the links below - but the bottom line is that your body will *physically* be affected by rejection... And that affect is a SURVIVAL reaction that is to convince you to behave in certain ways to keep from being hurt. And it no longer applies to how we live today.

 

Also, saying "you are infected with a disease" is such a negative way to look at things. Herpes is just a nuisance viral skin condition in ea really inconvenient place. 80% of people who have it don't even know they have it. Of the other 20% there are varying experiences from the 1-and-done outbreak and the few who have a tough time of it. It's not life threatening except in the incredibly rare times the person get it systemically and that likely happens because their immune system is out of whack. Now, that isn't to say that we don't disclose ... because it's only right to tell someone when you *know* you harbor a virus that they may catch (we do it with colds and the like) so they can figure out if they are ok with risking contact with you that might cause them to get the virus.

 

How do you stop processing it when it's always there and is not going to go away - unless there is a cure which I think there will be soon. Better not to say anything, just let the person think that you did not feel an attraction for them. The person who gave it to me says a lot of people have this and it's no big deal, and he advised me that he doesn't think there is any reason to mention it. He says out of about 20 people he's had sex with, only me and the woman he is currently with got infected. But I think he is wrong for doing this.

 

So did the person who gave it to you disclose? I'm going to assume not but I'm out of date on here so if you mentioned it somewhere I apologize. But I'm going to guess you were not given the CHOICE given that he "says a lot of people have this and it's no big deal, and he advised me that he doesn't think there is any reason to mention it." .. . it sounds like he is being reckless and is TOTALLY out of integrity. I would guess that he isn't on meds and doesn't use condoms and thinks he has it "under control". Yes, he's right that "lots of people have it and it's no big deal" ... at least for most of us.... but it's still the right thing to do to disclose. AND, then on the days you *may* be having an PB you can just tell your partner and they won't try to tempt you into doing something that would put them at risk. And on those days you have the perfect excuse to try other ways to get yer freak on!

 

I also responded in the "Disclose or not" thread... with a bunch of links for you...I just got back from moving my father from Fla to NY and I'm exhausted and have to get to bed, but those links may strike a cord for you.. :)

[Bluebetty]

No, he's never told anyone and he insists on not using a condom.

@WCSDancer2010, you are asking someone to take on the risk of getting this, I think you have to protect people from their own folly. That guy wasn't a jackass, he was scared his life might be ruined!!

[MMissouri]

Read this with an open mind, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings.

 

If he ran, then he didn't care about you other than using you for sex. I say this because anyone that cares about you is not going to treat you this way. Even if it's a friends with benefit type situation- they are not going to run away and not talk to you again if they are your friend. There is a difference in not having sex with someone because you don't want to take a risk of getting an STD (understandable) and treating someone like a leper. If he was even a "friend" he would appreciate that you told him the truth, tried to protect him by being honest, and support you through the diagnosis. I'm sorry, he WAS a jackass. Maybe it's easier to think he ran because of your status rather than he rejected you because he really wasn't into you. If he cared about you in the slightest, he would have made sure you knew that.

 

You have two ways you can look at this diagnosis. You can accept it, make peace with it, and move on. You can find people out there that think having sex with you is worth the risk. Whether it is a one night stand or a long term relationship. They will see you as as the person you are, and want to be with you because of that, not because of what you do/don't have.

 

Or you can do the opposite. You can fight reality (you won't really get anywhere with that since it is reality) and refuse to accept/make peace with the situation. But that refusal is not going to lead you anywhere. You'll be stuck in this exact same position months/years later.

 

You are obviously struggling with this. And it's understandable. But you need to ask yourself if you are happy. Are you? Because if you aren't, then something needs to change. And change has to start with you.

 

 

[Bluebetty]

Oh, I gotcha. Yes, it was bad on him that he only wanted sex and didn't want to be friends. A friend would express sympathy and stay connected even though the sex ended. We are still friends on Facebook but I just haven't had the nerve to try talking to him since then. Anyway, I prefer sex partners that I can spend social time with. I think that should be the focus. According to the Law of Attraction, what we focus on expands and I need to just stop thinking about herpes altogether. It can only bring me down. Thank you for your comments.

[MMissouri]

Maybe use this as an excuse to pamper/take care of you?

[Bluebetty]

Well, I can do that for so long, eventually humans wither and die from no physical contact. Thanks for the thought though.

[MMissouri]

Well, normally when you take care of yourself it leads to a better mind frame and confidence. I didn't say abstain from physical contact. I just meant get yourself in a good place mentally about sex/herpes before you try getting anywhere physically. I literally chuckled at your comment (sorry) but people remain abstinent for years and don't die. Try to stay busy. The busier you are the less you'll think about it.

 

It doesn't really matter what I say, it matters what you think. Your thoughts are what are gong to make or break you. I can really relate to what you are going through because I'm going to be divorced soon. The thought of starting over is scary as hell. But I'm going to focus on other things (school, bills, house, work, kids, me, etc) and adjust to the changes first. I'll tackle the herpes issue when I get there. I did tell someone, and it didn't work out, but it's okay. (I'm not saying it didn't sting, but I'm not going to let some guy make me feel any less than I am).

 

This entire forum is made of people that are just like you. Dealing exactly with what you are going through. This doesn't include all the people out there that aren't members but still have the virus. It really does boil down to what you want from life, what you'll accept, and what you feel your worthy of.

 

Anyway, I don't even know if anything I say helps at all, but I hope it does.

 

 

 

[Bluebetty]

Yes, it helps. I appreciate it. My predominant thoughts right now are that I need to put this out of my mind and go on and live my life. I don't have symptoms and the chances I would give it to someone are about 1% or less and soon they will be able to eliminate it from the body, so it doesn't make sense to go on living in a prison.