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Had unprotected sex without disclosing I have herpes

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I have recently done something disgusting... I had unprotected sex without disclosing. It was the dumbest thing I have ever done. I have perpuated the myth that people with STD's are irresponsible and promiscuous. I had several oppurtunities to "disclose" this information about myself and did not. Not that I planned it all, it happened very quickly, although I did ask him twice to use a condom, but ultimitly did not want to myself and did not make him do it. I said I wanted to be safe, I was desperate, heart-broken, and hot, I lost all self control, like a wild animal and said yes to unprotected sex. I have thrown away almost 8 years of self-control and disclosure talks, at least 20 that I can remember. Not just sexual partners, but friends and family. I have a son. He is my world. I was positive when I became pregnant and did not transmit to him. I have met other women and men that have HSV. So why did I do this? I rationalized the hell out of a situation and did not want to lose this kind and loving man. I have had dreams of standing in front of a judge being found guilty of spreading HSV. I know I was selfish and terrible, however,everything I have learned about this disease and myself tells me I know my body. I have not had an outbreak in almost three years. The CDC is putting false information the web concerning HSV. They recently put out medical "research" results on 400 test subjects apparently "shedding", "oozing" and "weeping" this virus constantly. With this safisticated termology describing symptons of a disease, it is no wonder why people with this disease are stigmatized and socialized in a way that makes a vast majority of this nation untouchable. My ob/gyn told me suppressive therapy is only effective during an outbreak and advised me not to take pills everyday. I am struggling with this issue that I caused in my own life. I am not sure if I should tell him? I am not sure if I should never talk to him again? I am asking for advice in thoughtful response. Sincerely, Abbyroad78

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Hi abbyroad. All is not lost. The reason you are freaking out about this RIGHT NOW is because you do indeed have integrity. This is a HUGE learning experience for you to realize that if your integrity is compromised, it lets you know about it. Big time. The only people who don't stress about stuff like this are the kind of people who don't have any integrity. "Fuck it" is the phrase that's used a lot. They have no more need to go down their path of morality. You do. And you messed up. How will you handle the situation from here on out? That's the important part. How will you make it right? How will you handle yourself in the future if something similar happens? I imagine this is a very big lesson that you will use for good. I can't offer you specific advice on whether to tell him or not. But your integrity will. Ask yourself that question. What do you feel that you want to do?

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I am in the same situation. I'm freaking out bc I went back to my hometown to visit family. I while I was there I went to party had some drinks and I was feeling nice. I saw my ex from years ago. We started making out, I kept saying we shouldn't bc we didn't have a condom. And one think led to the next and for maybe les than a minute he was in me and I got nervous jumped off. I haven't noticed any symptoms. But today I think I am. I'm not sure if its me being paranoid or if I really am. I feel horrible and Adrial said it best. It's the integrity. I think I'm in denial about this. I really hope I didn't pass this to him.

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Hey guys,

I can certainly empathize with you about having too many drinks and then doing things that I later regretted. There was a time in my life, about ten years ago, when alcohol would bring up my woundedness and I did shit while drunk that I would have never, ever thought I'd do. Not fun times. I hated myself so much during this time, and the shame built up (this was years before I actually had a herpes outbreak). So those times for me were really catalysts for change. Because I was acting in ways that I knew were out of alignment related to who I wanted to be, it forced me to start looking at myself and why I would treat myself with such disrespect and such a lack of self-love. All of these events are opportunities. Try to be as compassionate with yourselves as possible and just start to get curious about your behaviour. Realizing who you don't want to be is the first step to figuring out who you DO want to be :) Big love to you, Beckie

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Thanks Beckie. Since that incident I think I'm going through prodome. And today my throat feels weird. Not sure if its related to the h. Hope not. I'm just scared and nervous. Since I've read that it's easy to contract hiv having herpes. I'm scared I may have something else. I was tested in feb 2013. Tears when I was told I had h. I only had sex 2 times since than. One with my ex bf that I had recently broken up with in dec. we used protection. And then that quick incident with an old ex. Yesterday night I fell a bit depressed. With everything thinking about my future and what's to come.

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Hey there,

Sounds to me like you might want to take some time just to process all of the emotions you're feeling around this and gain clarity on what action steps you want to take. Are you considering going to get tested again? I know that probably feels scary right now, but really, getting tested proves to yourself that you're taking accountability for your actions and that you want to have integrity with your sexual behaviour. Also, this might be an opportunity to assess how you want to approach future sexual encounters. Because you've just posted that this last sexual encounter has made you feel horrible and depressed....easy for me to conclude it didn't go well. Now you get to look at what didn't work well for you, and what you don't want to re-create....with as much love and compassion for yourself as possible *Big hug*

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hello Everyone, I am just now logging back onto the forum. It has been a terrible time for me regarding the situation I put myself in when I had sex without telling my partner I have herpes. It took over a month to finally get the courage to confess. I did it. Yesterday morning over the phone... I could not bear to do it in person and tried many times. I have disclosed herpes so many times, I don't know why I found it so hard, I was choking on my words. Anyway, he took it very well. He said he loved me anyway and I have nothing to be ashamed of. He said he still trusts me and then asked me to move in with him!! I was shocked! Thank everyone for all the support, this website has truly been a blessing! I wish everyone the best of luck! Love, Abbyroad78

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That's great, Abbyroad! We all learn from the things that are hard for us to do. It's a great reminder that NOT doing something is just as much a decision than DOING something. And putting something off is a decision, too. And our decisions all have impacts on our future. And ultimately, you followed through on your integrity; you were honest. That took courage to actually speak to it instead of continuing to sweep it under the rug, hoping it would go away on its own (I have felt that feeling before!). So good job to follow your gut and speak to it. Sets a great foundation for a trusting, solid relationship. And trust/honesty is an ongoing thing, speaking to things that are hard to speak to in the relationship to come keeps us connected with our partners. Here's to you, abbyroad! Much love and big hugs! Come back and give us updates on how the relationship is progressing! Remember, that even though you're in a relationship, you still get to continue healing your own relationship to yourself and herpes. It's an ongoing, beautiful process that you now have a partner to help you in that ongoing healing process. :) Hug!

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

Hi Everyone, I haven't posted in a couple of months. I have been really busy with my child, work, school, ect... however, I have thought about this site at least once a week until tonight. Everyone on the site has been extremely supportive and inspiring %100 of the time. Even in what seemed like my darkest hour.

My relationship with the man I wrote about and slept with obviously, is OVER!! It is perfectly ok that it is! It turns out that he was not the man for me or my son, so we moved on. He still calls and texts professing his love for me... hopefully that will end soon.

Anyway, I wanted to say that our relationship did not begin and end with herpes. In fact, I have learned that it has very little to do with a real lasting relationship anyway. Normally, after I disclose this information, the man either accepts or he doesn't. I think I have started feeling better about my diagnosis after 8 years. I haven't let it stop me from picking up the pieces and starting over again trying to find a partner for this life.

Thank you everyone who read and posted concerning my self- inflicted drama over the past Summer!!





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  • 2 weeks later...

I know this post is fairly old, but I am in this exact same situation right now. It was a stupid, idiotic, selfish mistake. Ugh.

Abbyroad - could you please tell me how you approached the situation and started the convo with him? I want to keep it positive, but I also feel like I should apologize and express remorse somehow without making the convo too negative. Any advice would be much appreciated!

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