Did something terrible and looking for experience strength and hope

[FLGator25]

I came to this this site to find some hope and I have found myself feeling even worse. I did not disclose that my ex wife had HSV-2 to my current girlfriend and love of my life till a coupe days ago. We have been together for 3 years. She is devastated. And on top of it, I told half truths and made the situation even worse by not being forth coming. I really screwed up. It's one of the biggest mistakes I have made in life. I am a piece of sh*t. I have had many opportunities to disclose over the course of the 3 years. In the beginning I didnt disclose because I was afraid of being rejected. I don't have out breaks so I told myself that she would be fine. She asked me flat out in the beginning and I told her I was good. I had never really been tested because my ex and I shared the same doctor and he told me that I may have it but couldn't confirm till I had the out break. That never happened so when dating someone new after my divorce I just told myself that I didn't have it. I was ashamed, scared of being rejected and insecure. I was just out of a 9 year marriage and I wasn't thinking clearly. It was selfish. One of the most selfish things I have ever done. I had multiple other opportunities to tell over the past 3 years but chose not to. I just stuffed it and acted as if I didn't have it. I keep some Valtrex in my work bag and one fell out the other day. She found it and asked me what it was and I lied and said I didn't know. A few moments went by and I just came out with it. I didn't want to hide this from her anymore. She was devastated and still is. She feels betrayed and says there is no way I love her if I did this to her. I have completely violated her trust. I can not believe I did this. She hasn't had a chance to get tested yet but I have and my blood test came back stating that I test positive for HSV-2. Its was explained to that means that I have been exposed at some point to HSV-2. I am praying she comes back negative. I just want to be supportive and I don't know how too. I know the picture I painted of myself here is not a good one but I am a good man. I love her so much. I don't know if one can recover from this. I have done a dishonest thing here but I have good values. I'm going to lose her and I guess I deserve that. I'm not sure why I posted this but if anyone has had similar experiences I would love to hear some hope right now. I am not handling this well.

[HikingGirl]

Welcome, @FLGator25. If you’ve tested positive for HSV2, it means you have the virus. Many doctors erroneously tell people it just means they’ve been exposed. Sadly, many doctors are not well educated about HSV because the line about just having been exposed is simply not true. You either have the virus or you don’t. It’s also not true that you need to have an outbreak to get tested. 89% of people with HSV either don’t have symptoms or their symptoms are so mild they’re mistaken for things like yeast infections, razor burn, or jock itch. Blood tests pick up most of these infections. You can absolutely have HSV with no symptoms *and* you can still transmit the virus to others even if you have no noticeable symptoms. At the same time, transmission is not a given (my ex of 16 years didn’t get HSV from me when I was unaware I had it during our relationship).

 

(If you haven’t seen this handbook written by a clinician and herpes expert, I highly recommend it: https://westoverheights.com/herpes/the-updated-herpes-handbook/)

 

Now since there are a ton of questions on this forum about diagnosis, I think a really good place for you to start is to request a copy of your lab work and make sure you had the right tests done. This is especially important since you don’t have obvious symptoms. There are a lot of doctors using outdated and inaccurate tests, and there are people who are diagnosed as positive with the right kind of test, but not realizing that lower index values can sometimes be false positives. In order to move forward, I think having some definitive answers on your own diagnosis would be helpful.

 

I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with your current situation regarding your girlfriend. We’re all just going through life doing the best we can. Sometimes we get it right. Sometimes we mess up in a major, life-altering kind of way that can’t ever be fixed. I hope your girlfriend comes around after she’s had some time to process what has happened. If that’s not the case, all we can do is learn from our mistakes, as painful as they may be, and move forward. {{{hugs}}}

[FLGator25]

HikingGirl, thank you for your response. My results are HSV 2 IgG: 4.38. That is all it says. I'm not sure if that helps or not but based on what you said earlier, I defiantly have it. I feel like a complete animal. Who does this? I'm really disgusted with myself. Thank you for not passing judgement and reaching out to me.

 

[HikingGirl]

I feel like a complete animal. Who does this?

 

I’m having flashbacks to the time I was trying to teach my dog the command to lay down. He caught giardia during puppy kindergarten and had to drop out, so I thought I’d teach him myself. I had read that if I taught him to sit first, then I should gently pull his front legs toward me to lower him to the ground. He didn’t like that so much, LOL, and snapped at me. He was afraid.

 

You were afraid. And you are neither the first nor last person to tell a lie because you were afraid.

 

When I wrote my Herpes Manifesto (you can find it by clicking on my username), I wrote this about being afraid:

 

“Most of all, my diagnosis makes me feel afraid. I’m afraid if people knoew I had herpes, they would treat me like a leper—afraid to talk to me, afraid to be seen with me, or afraid just to know me. I’m afraid of being exposed and losing the respect of my peers or even my job. I’m afraid of being judged, labeled, rejected, and invisible. I’m afraid that no one will love me.”

 

That was the lowest point of my life, and it took a lot of work to pull myself out of that hole.

 

Given our dependence upon other people for survival, the fear of rejection can be a *big* deal. If our bodies sense a threat as a really, really big deal, then our amygdala takes over and we dive into a fight, flight or freeze response and we literally lose the ability to make an objective, rational decision. You don’t have to be facing a lion to experience this, and I’m not trying to excuse all bad behavior. I guess I’m just trying to help you have some compassion toward yourself. The pain will help you to not repeat this scenario in the future. A little self-compassion will help you move forward.

 

 

 

[FLGator25]

Thank you. I needed that. I have noticed that you are very interactive on this site and answer most of the post on here so thank you. You are doing a tremendous service and I'm sure you not looking for a pat on the back but I am grateful for you.

[HikingGirl]

You’re very welcome. This forum is such a wonderful community. And every time I post, I think it helps *me* just as much (if not more) than anyone reading it. :)

[Username]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Am I correct in understanding you didn't actually know you had HSV? From reading your post it sounds like you only knew your ex had it. While you could have drawn the conclusion you might have it based on that alone it's not a for sure thing. I can't say this situation required disclosure. If someone knowingly has sexual contact with someone who has an HSV diagnosis that doesn't warrant a disclosure. Sure, a sexually responsible person would get tested at the end of said relationship before moving on but considering that doctors often won't test without symptoms you could request testing, get denied the test, and still be in the same situation if whether or not you disclose your past partner's status. If that's a required disclosure well, we all ought to be walking around telling every partner we might have HSV.

 

This would all be so much simpler if the stigma were gone and people just assumed they might end up with HSV like the majority of the population. But since it's transmitted sexually everyone gets their puritanical panties in a bunch about HSV. It's also entirely possible that if your girlfriend tests positive she's an asymptomatic carrier and has had it longer than you. Unless she has no sexual past at all you can't be certain. Now if she has a primary outbreak, tests swab positive, IgG negative, and then later tests IgG positive that'd be a more definitive diagnosis that you gave it to her, but who cares. I'm going out into the weeds now when that level of certainty really shouldn't matter. It's not a big deal for the vast majority of folks who have it. I think you can attest to that considering you didn't even know you had it.

 

Good luck and I hope you and your girlfriend go on to have lots of fun sex!

[CM]

@FLGator25 first I want to acknowledge your bravery for sharing with a community. Yes it can be anonymous, but to write it all out and acknowledge an experience that was handled in a way you weren't wanting and are now looking back can be a hard and vulnerable thing to do.

 

I listened to Berne Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection during a time when I was really ashamed with how I handled herpes. Berne studies shame and guilt and in a moment when you're feeling like you've done something horrible and you place all worldly blame on yourself it can be helpful to take a breath and a different perspective.

 

Your experience does not have to define who you are as a person. It can be an experience that you reflect on the behavior and what worked and what didn't. Not looking at it as an experience that defines you. The truth is we're all trying to figure this out and Lord knows we will mess up.

 

I too wanted to pretend that it didn't exist. I didn't allow myself to be vulnerable in a real way and although it seems like the lowest point, the beauty is that it's over. You've shared. The hardest part is over and you have an entire future to continue working on an experience in which you're happy with how you handled it. If you go back and read my discussion boards (which I don't know how you can, but try) you'll see two posts. One is my first painful lesson in disclosure and about a couple months later is my successful disclosure. I had such a hard time removing my blame, my guilt and my anger at myself. And what that does is feed into something that should not define you, but allow you to learn and move forward.

 

Here are a few things that REALLY helped me. Therapy, defining myself in a way that allows me to be confident and remember the person that I am, not the Herpes (ex. exercising, writing, doing nice things for myself like massages, etc.) I'm in the middle of Adrial's audio course which has really helped, the podcasts are great too.

 

It'll take time to heal, but remember that each day you have a decision, and although you didn't love the pasts decision you can absolutely wake up today and decide to do it differently. And that's the beauty in it.

[FLGator25]

CM, thank you for your response. I did find your post from before. I am trying to look at the similarities and not the differences. The reason for my lack of disclosure was fear. Fear of being rejected, fear of being alone, and fear of losing this amazing women that I had met. I was in such a strange place durning my divorce and I made very poor descions based on emotions or really not feeling them. Our relationship has grown into an amazing one. We were good on almost all levels. We are a team. I love her dearly. That is partly why this was eating me up in side. I just came out with it and it was a durning a time when both of us had a lot on our plate. I just added to that. I know how to do the work and take care of myself. I do see a therapist and do work around my thoughts and emotions so I know what to do. I just am hurting. And I feel guilty for even hurting because she has to be going through it even worse than I am. I don't know if she can forgive me. She looked at me with disgust. I don't blame her. I am kind of paralyzed right now with the uncertainty. I am just ranting at this point. Thank you for your experience and perspective. It truly has helped me.

[PresentMoment]

I am going to put myself in your girlfriends shoes. I am guessing she doesn't believe you didn't know. It would be odd for a person to just carry around Valtrex if they didn't need it.

If that is the case, I think having a real honest talk with her, coming completely clean might be the only way to repair the damaged relationship. I have not had to make a disclosure yet, so no judgment here. I know it is going to be very difficult.

I hope her test comes back negative!! Good luck - hard lesson thank you for sharing!

[optimist]

@FLGator25 HSV2 is far more common than most people realize. If you're someone who has had multiple female partners, it's fair to assume about 1/3 of them had HSV2, most just didn't know it. Yet doctors do not recommend routine HSV screening and some even discourage testing in the absence of symptoms. So this is not a black and white situation as far as I'm concerned. However, she is likely unaware of these nuances, as most people are.

 

Even being aware of all the facts, I personally would have been concerned about your Valtrex explanation as it would not have made sense to me. I would likely have assumed that was a lie and then wondered if lying was typical for you. The issue for me would be the dishonesty, not the lack of disclosing the HSV status of a former partner. 80% of adults have HSV, and about 1/3 of adult women (in the U.S.) have HSV2, and most of these people do not have the information required to know/disclose their status, so past "exposure" should really be assumed unless someone is proactively testing specifically for HSV with all partners and then avoiding partners who test positive.

[optimist]

@FLGator25 Whoops, just noticed new studies have been released indicating a recent drop in both HSV1 and HSV2 rates, so I'd like to modify my above statement to say it's reasonable to assume about 1/4 of female partners have HSV2, most being unaware they are infected. Regardless, unless people are proactively getting tested with partners, it's reasonable for those who have had multiple sex partners to assume some of those previous partners had HSV2.

[Sunset]

No good answer here and you will have to allow your gf to figure out what she needs to do and listen to what she is going to need from you to heal. Worst case, she leaves. If she comes back negative, even greater chance.

There has only been one man in my life I'd have stayed with had he told me your story.

Be patient and loving to yourself and your gf. Give her the time and space to vent or just stay away. It could take months...and know that if meant to be, she will come back. I've read about many that do once the dust settles.

 

Bravo for admitting your doing another so wrong - a good lesson for all. Thank you for sharing.

[50andsad]

@FLGator25 I have a similar story I had been dating someone casually for over 2 years, I didn’t tell him because I hadn’t had an OB for 25 years until just recently. I made the decision not tell anyone unless we where on our way to a serious relationship. I guess after 2 years I should have said something but again it had been so long and I just didn’t think about it.

 

It’s been a couple of months since your first post, and I am curious if she forgave you. My friend hasn’t spoken to me yet but it’s only been a month that I shared the information. Well actually I texted him accidentally (really) recently and from the sounds of it he didn’t contract the virus but I do not know if he has had blood test. He did say he was still mad but would eventually get over it. So it sounds like there is at least hope for a friendship. He should be here this week for work,I hope he will be willing to hear my side and let me apologize face to face

 

What happened with the two of you?

[50andsad]

I hope that wasn’t to forward of me to ask. I am hoping that you have good news. Maybe there is hope for my situation.

[FLGator25]

50andSad, sorry I’m just getting back to you. We are still together but it has been a really tough road. We are in couples counseling but I’m not sure if it’s helping us or not. I seemed to be energized by it but she is indifferent. I am having a really hard time with the uncertainty. Some of the positive though are that our relationship has gotten more honest and we are working on things. She is having a hard time seeing me as a good guy. She thinks I’m like all the other guys out there that have just did what ever that had to do to get what they want. I know I’m not that but it is hard to argue other wise. Sorry this isn’t postive but it’s what is really going on. I’m hanging in there. I love this women. I will post if something changes.