caterpillarmonarch

@whitedaisies - Something that helped me was the phrase "you are not your big toe." Basically, one part of you doesn't define you. It's a part of you, but it doesn't get to the core of who you are. Another thing that helped me was to sit down and make a "Why would someone love (my name)" list. Doing it in the third person and listing it like this really helped. There were things like "(my real name) is really loyal and will do anything for her friends."

@Seeker - I couldn't agree more. @Fluffy - Right after I found out I had it, I went on a "women's weekend" with a friend and some of her other friends. We decided to play Cards Against Humanity. I couldn't take it. I thought that game was funny the first time I played it, but after my won experience, my view of jokes like that has totally changed.

My OB GYN, who specializes in STDs, said that even if I THINK I have an outbreak, I should start upping my medication immediately. He said there has been no evidence of long-term damage to this approach. I'm pretty anti-medication myself, but my personal goal for taking the medication is to protect my incredible boyfriend from contracting it, so I put my personal anti-medication opinions aside and take it to protect him (and obviously no "sex" if I think I'm having a flare-up).

@lovelucky - Ha ha! I use Bikini Zone (found at Walgreens for $9.99) and that helps cut-down on razor burn a lot.

@WCSDancer 2010: Awesome perspective

I literally locked myself in a hotel room for two days and took care of only me. One of the things I did during that time was write a "Why should someone love me" list. It was the hardest thing! Especially since I'm so self-critical! But, it helped. Every once in a while I pull out that list and look over it and find comfort in it.

When I first found out, I went to specialist with a huge list of questions. One of them was "How do I cope with this?" which was really "How do I not destroy myself over this?" When I asked, I began to tear up in the eyes (unusual for me). The specialist looked at me with a look of compassion that I will never forget and said, "Sweetie, this isn't your fault. This doesn't mean that you are promiscuous or that you made a mistake. You just got unlucky. I have women who come to me that have had sex once, just once, and contracted it. And herpes doesn't discriminate based on race or income; I have women in here of every race and that have more money than you could ever imagine, they all have herpes. You didn't do anything wrong, the odds are what they are and you just happen to have drawn the bad odd." I hope this helps you as much as it did me.

I'm so happy to hear that! If it makes you feel better, I have a master's degree in communication/advertising and I STILL suck at conversations sometimes, especially if they are emotional :-)

Hi Pollyanna1, I actually asked my OBGYN about this. He specializes in STD's. He said that he has MANY long-term couples in his practice where one has it and the other doesn't. According to him, the formula is 1) Don't have sex during a flare-up (my preferred term instead of "outbreak") 2) Always use condoms 3) Use an anti-viral daily. My boyfriend and I have talked about this. I've sent him a lot of links to these pages and let him know the risk for each type of sexual activity. Then I let him choose what he was comfortable with and what he isn't. BUT, he's made it exceptionally clear that he doesn't see it as a big deal and that, if he does contract it, that it was HIS CHOICE and it's not at all my fault. It helps now, although I'm not sure how I'll feel if he ever does get it.

This is a great, inspiring story! Thank you for posting it!

I didn't think I'd ever had symptoms either. That is, until my OB GYN explained that they sometimes feel like razor blades with no external signs. Once he told me that, I knew immediately what he meant. Since my outbreaks were always close to my monthly cycle, I thought it was just part of that.

@hawazin I'm so incredibly sorry to hear your story. She seems to be reacting in a very irrational matter. I wish I had the words to erase it away, but please know we are here to support you

@inthelight22 Just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt: is it because your doctor assumed you got a full exam when you were diagnosed?

@WCSDancer2010 and @txguy23 Thanks for asking! I do have "the razor blade" feeling, but no outward signs. Test results: HSV 1 IgG: Greater than 5 (and yet no cold sores since I was very young) HSV 2 IgG: 3.91 I insisted on a retest, the numbers were the same the second time. Does this mean anything to you? You two seem to know a lot about this. Should I get the Western Blot done? And just for fun...I'm actually blonder (naturally) than Jessica Simpson :)

I honestly don't know. I had cold sores as a young child, but HSV2? I have no idea. I've never experienced the outward signs of an outbreak, it just feels like razor blades. But, I can't mentally trace back to when that started.

This is a great discussion! I actually asked my OB GYN (who specializes in STD's) about this very thing. He said, because I'm on a suppressant, if I just say "I'd prefer we use condoms" that he felt that was sufficient. I'm not saying I agree or disagree, that's just what he said. Another consideration: What if one of your casual encounters turns into something more serious? I know that doesn't happen often, but it could. There are a lot of questions on these forums of people who didn't disclose at first and are now trying to figure out how to do so. That seems to complicate matters significantly. You could always say "The reason I always insisted on condoms is because..." and that may work, but your partner may still deal with major feelings of betrayal.

I agree with @Who, this isn't the type of person you want in your life. If you are looking for someone for better or worse, he's already proven that even a minor "worse" and he will cower away. You deserve a better man than that.

Thanks everyone! I hope, if someone else has this experience, they see my post. @ WCSDancer2010: I'd be happy to help!

I want to share this story just in case someone else has a similar situation and can know they aren't alone. I found out I had 1 & 2 after a routine test before starting to become intimate with my boyfriend. I was at work when the call came. The nurse simply said "Your results came back and you have herpes." "What??? What does that mean?," I asked. "You have herpes," she repeated. After doing this a couple of times and getting no better response, I said "I think I need to come in." She said ok, but there weren't any appointments available that day and I'd have to wait til the next day. I hung up and immediately called the front desk. I asked if they had any appointments available today and they said they had two (what the hell????). I took one of those. When I got to the office, the front desk woman, who is always very kind, checked me in and then said "Sweetie, you look terrible [i'm always very polished], are you ok? Is it because of your test results?" I immediately burst into tears. She said "It's ok, it's not as bad as you think. It'll be ok." They then left me in the waiting room, sobbing. When the nurse called me back, she showed no heart at all, not even offering me a tissue as I continued to sob through the vitals check. The NPA was who I was able to get in to. She's known for being "softer" than my doctor, but she's also very conservative/religious. And, I should mention, I'm in Texas. She came in and said "Well, I'm not going to be able to tell you anything new. Here's your results," and handed me the test results. I kept asking questions and getting very surface level answers about "You will always be shedding the virus" and "We don't know how long you've had this. We don't test STD's during your annual unless you ask," etc. But the phrase that will stick with me for a long time was when I said something about a lot of people, I'd read, have it. Her response "This is what happens when people screw like rabbits." Ouch. Anyway, since then, I've found a specialist who took the time to answer all of the questions I'd written down to ask him. He was very kind and reassured me that this wasn't my fault, that it didn't mean I was promiscuous, and that a lot of people had it. This site has also helped significantly (thank you!). So, if something like this happens to you, please know you are not alone and that some doctors are just biased jerks.

I hate to say this, but I don't think he's a good one. My first clue was that he asked you to come over. I don't care what your housing status is, living at home, roommate, he has a bigger TV, etc., he should have come to you vs. you come to him. And, as for the communication aspect, if he was thoughtful of your feelings, he'd at least text you something like "Hey babe, I know it's been a few days and you're probably getting worried. I'm still processing all of this and looking at the things you sent me." @WCSDancer2010 I love that article! My general rule of thumb is, if you have to ask if a guy wants to be with you, he doesn't.

Thanks!

Thank you SO MUCH @WCSDancer2010. I'm going to send him the studies you and I both found and let him decide what he wants to do. I care about him so much and don't want to give this to him, but ultimately it has to be his decision. (hugs)

I'm SO SORRY to hear that ShaeShae. Please do not let this discourage you from telling other men. You showed true character and concern for him by telling him. You are not dirty or a throw-away. Some men might think that, but those aren't the ones you want anyway. I know that's easier to logically than emotionally believe, but it's really true. My doctor put it this way: You want a man for better or worse, right? On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst, this is a 2 or 3, so if he walks away from this, you know he isn't the type of man that would be there in a 8+ situation and those situations will come. That really helped me. I hope it provides you with some comfort too

Thanks @Yadira and @Willow! I realize I should have given more info: I have both HSV 1 and HSV 2. I haven't had a HSV 1 flare-up in 15+ years. He has neither (not even HSV 1)! Is it ok for me to perform oral sex on him? From this article, it doesn't look good: A prior infection with oral HSV-1 lowers the risk of acquiring genital HSV-1 even further. Studies show that genital HSV-1 infections almost always occur in people who have no prior infection with HSV of either type (Corey, Annals of Internal Medicine, 1983). In the absence of prior oral infection, however, HSV-1 spreads easily to the genital area, usually through oral sex. In some countries, such as Japan and parts of Great Britain, genital HSV-1 is as common as genital HSV- 2, or more common. "Prevalence rates of genital HSV-1 differ based on the practice of oral sex and on the percentage of people who are HSV-1 positive from childhood," explains Anna Wald, MD researcher at the University of Washington at Seattle. http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html Is it ok for him to perform oral sex on me? It looks like yes, although I'd like to find some more concrete evidence. Does anyone know where it exists? The OB GYN is pretty non-judgmental, he specializes in STD's, but I think that also makes him REALLY cautious. His nurse brought up the potential of transmission of HPV from oral.

I found this online. The study is cited a lot of places, but I can't find the actual study anywhere (even using my university credentials, the oldest I can find is 1998) What if your partner has genital HSV-2 and you perform oral sex on him or her? Will you get HSV- 2 in the mouth? Given the widespread practice of oral sex (some three-quarters of all adults practice it, according to The Social Organization of Sexuality, 1994) and the prevalence of genital HSV-2 infection, you might expect oral HSV-2 to be relatively common. It's not. According to one study, almost 100% of recognizable HSV-2 infection is genital (Nahmias, Scandinavian Journal of Infectious Diseases Supplement, 1990). One reason is that most adults are already infected with HSV-1 orally, which provides some immunity against infection with HSV 2. Another reason is that oral HSV-2 rarely reactivates, so even if an infection does exist, no one knows. http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html