Harlow

I wish the best of luck on your meditation course. We are thankful for you!

Thanks Beckie and Brenda! I loved your responses. Much love to both of you

When I have bad days, my days are usually filled with doubt. Will I ever find someone to love me despite H? Will I ever be able to live with the regret or my past lifestyle? Will I ever be truly happy? Then I think... There are 7 billion people in the world. It is irrational to believe that I will be alone forever and will never find someone. The world is filled with judgmental, prejudice, and hateful people. But it is also filled with loving, compassionate, accepting, and forgiving people. If you're worried about being alone, worry no longer. With 7 billion people in the world, and many living with H and many that just don't care about a skin condition, you will find someone who loves you for the amazing person you are. Also, everyone has a past. Everyone has made mistakes, some more than others. But the important thing is that we learn from those mistakes (even if you have to make them a few times to really realize it!! haha) We are human. And we make mistakes. Try not to compare yourself to others that you may perceive to be perfect. Example: This girl I was friends with in high school was the absolute biggest sweetheart you'll ever meet. Straight A's, captain of her athletic team in highschool and college, sweet as can be. She was the perfect combination: loved to have fun but was still responsible and mature. In her last semester in college, she was accepted to 9 law schools. She had an amazing family, great friends, and a wonderful life. She suffered depression and a mental breakdown and ended up committing suicide. Now I'm not trying to be morbid, but this is also an example of how important it is to not compare yourself to others and make yourself feel badly. It's easy to look at others and think: wow they did everything right, and look how I messed up. Everyone is fighting their own battles, most of the time secretly. Look at yourself: You are healthy. I am sure you have friends and some family to depend on. But also: you are alive today and that is something to be very thankful for. H is a small issue in the big picture. And the only issue is not physically (Because we all know outbreaks after a while are barely noticeable and are not that inflicting physically) but mostly personal and emotional. You are not less of a person because you have H. If anything this is just another route that you were set to take. Whether you're spiritual or religious, or not, know that we are here on this earth to love and to feel and to enjoy everything we have before our time is up. When you're sad try to spend time around people who accept you, motivate you, and encourage you to be the best version of yourself. Try to enjoy life as much as you can because you deserve it. Every moment spent with sadness is recovery time. It's okay to cry! It's healthy to cry. And it's healthy to channel all your emotions as long as it is in a positive way. You feel mad? Go for a run, draw, write, call someone close to you. You feel regretful? Remember that you have not hurt anyone intentionally and someone out there has had a better life because you were a part of it. Hope this helps. Message me if you want to talk more! We're all here for you

Hey everyone! I posted a while back when I was diagnosed back in November, but I'm back on the forum and would love to find a buddy in the Tri-state area. I'm a 22 year old female and recent college graduate. I've gone through a lot of ups and downs since my diagnosis, but I could be a positive support for someone and could use support myself.

I know most of my posts on this forum have been of "Hey, I made a mistake I need advice." Since I was diagnosed with herpes last November, I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. I have also gone through a reckless phase in which I was having sex (sometimes with condoms sometimes without) without disclosing. I would like to thank you all for your support but most importantly your tough love and urging me to take responsibility for my actions and to be accountable. This has helped preserve my integrity. As far as I have known, I have not spread the virus to any one I have slept with. But I'm ready to start over. I am slowly learning to love myself and respect myself but most importantly have the respect to my future partners of disclosing. I have just graduated college and seldom enjoy going out and drinking. I have found that although it can sometimes be fun, I was using it as purely a distraction from my own insecurities. I'm ready for a more meaningful direction. (Although I wouldn't mind enjoying a nice Newcastle every now and then) I urge you all to watch this TEDTalks episode. It comes from the TEDTalks: Sex, Secrets, & Love. The episode is hosted by Brene Brown and it is called: The Power of Vulnerability. It is sincerely enlightening (as is the entire TedTalks segment) If anyone has netflix, you can find all the episodes of Sex, Secrets, & Love on there. I just wanted to say thank for not judging, for supporting, for the advice, and for the tough love. Thanks to the H Forum and the wonderful people on here, I am changing directions and becoming a better version of me. P.S. I'm in the NJ area, so if anyone would like to get together for support or even just to grab a cup of coffee in the tri-state area (NYC would be a great meetup place) Please don't hesitate to message me.

I've had sex since diagnosed with herpes, and have always used a condom and to my knowledge have not transmitted to anyone. But last saturday, I had sex while drunk. He didn't finish and I don't remember it really lasting that long when we both fell asleep. The next day i went to the bathroom and pulled out a condom (sorry if that's graphic) I am freaking out so much. The guy I slept with doesn't know that I have it and now, three days later I am feeling tingling sensations. I had been taking medicine off and on before hand ( I take generic acyclovir and you have to take it 3 times a day.. I sometimes forget) I thought I was being careful by using a condom and now the worst situation happened. I keep making stupid decisions and I am digging myself into a bigger and bigger hole. I am so scared and overwhelmed with guilt. And I keep making these stupid mistakes. If he got it from me, I will never ever be able to live with myself. And he may tell people and have his reputation and mine ruined. I live in a college town and we have a lot of mutual friends. I hate myself.

I was watching a show called Brothers & Sisters. In one episode, a character named Saul is HIV positive. He is becoming emotionally involved with another man and he has very strong feelings for him. They've been spending a lot of time together: going on dates, emotionally intimate. He is talking to his nephews about his fear of disclosure. He says: "I'm afraid if I tell him I am HIV positive, I won't have him anymore." One of his nephews says to him: "But if you don't tell him, you still won't have him." Such a simple yet true statement. We are so afraid of telling someone we have herpes in fear if losing that person in our lives, but even if we don't tell that person, we won't fully have them will we? We can choose not to tell someone, break it off abruptly and wonder what could have been. Or tell them and risk them rejecting us. But at least we'll know for sure right? We could be missing out on something amazing just because of the fear of rejection. So if you're fearing herpes disclosure because of the thought of losing them, think: if you don't tell them and distance yourself, you won't have them anyways. I think the reward is greater than the risk in this scenario. And you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. So might as well take a shot and know for sure. Just some thoughts. I've kept that quote with me since I've heard it and it's helped me.

Carlyyy, thank you for opening up and pouring your heart out. Just recently, I too feared that I may have transmitted herpes to a partner and I had no yet disclosed. I am very certain he has it but has not experienced symptoms yet since it just happened. I felt all the same things. Guilty, ashamed, and responsible. But it sounds to me like he is the one who pushed this on you and you did not instigate it at all. He had no right to just assume it would be okay to have sex without talking to you first. You are feeling guilty because you have a conscience. But I do not think you should beat yourself up. He made the decision to "slip it in" without your consent. He is responsible for his actions. You did the right thing by pushing him away. And if he did catch it, he is responsible for making those rash decisions. Things got heated and mistakes were made. We're human and it happens. From the situation that you explained, I do not think you should blame yourself so much. You weren't like: hey I know I have herpes, but let's have unprotected sex anyways. So many people knowingly transmit herpes and they DON'T CARE. You care! Because you are a loving, good person. I on the other hand, am to blame in my situation. And that is something I am dealing with to this day. But dreading the past and beating yourself up over mistakes over and over again will only cause more harm. So let's say he does have herpes. OK. What's done is done now. You can confront him and be honest and deal with his reaction. (That is the moral and ethical thing to do). But you did not instigate the sex and purposely give him herpes. So please try to find it in you to forgive yourself. This will pass. And if he does have herpes, he will be one of millions that have it and he will be able to work through it. I know this may not be the best way to look at it, but at least it wasn't HIV right? It's not a death sentence. He's not going to die. He may just have another bump in the road of life just like we do. Carlyyy, please don't be so hard on yourself. Things got out of control but it is not a reflection on the person that you are. The fact that you even wrote about it, and are upset about this whole situation shows how caring you are. Much love and support and a great big hug. If you ever want to chat please inbox me. I'm a 21 year old girl with HSV2 and I'm always here to listen.

Thanks Kristin. I am going to have to do damage control and treat him the way I wish my "giver" would have treated me.I can't see that there will be a future now since he probably will feel betrayed and manipulated but I have to do what's right and deal with the consequences. Thank you for your responses

Thanks Adrial. I know I am going to have to talk to him about it soon. I'm overwhelmed with guilt because I was really going to take my time with this and disclose and then deal with the possible rejection/approval. But now all the plans have changed. I've also read up on the transmission rates when someone is not having an outbreak. But what are the chances if you are having an outbreak? Even if you used a condom? I'm really concerned that I may have given it to him.

Ah I feel absolutely horrible. Last night (after I had too many drinks) I had a lapse in judgement and had sex during a herpes outbreak. My partner and I have just started talking a couple of weeks ago and I haven't felt it was time to disclose that I have herpes to him. But we had sex, used a condom, and I'm having an outbreak. The herpes sores are really minor, I can't even see them but the area is just a little tender when it's touched. I feel absolutely terrible that I may have transmitted herpes to him and I don't know what to do. I am usually very responsible and I wasn't planning on having sex until we had gotten to know each other further and I had the chance to disclose. I am overwhelmed with guilt. What are the chances of transmitting during an outbreak when using a condom? Where do I go from now?

Thanks Adrial!

I know the emotions you are going through. I am 21 and was just diagnosed a few weeks ago. It's a whirlwind of emotions. You'll have good days and you'll have bad days. So far, what I have come to realize is that there are so many wonderful parts of life to experience. You still have the opportunity to travel, to build a successful career, to be a loyal friend, to be a benefit to your community, to help others. The stigma associated with herpes is worse than the virus itself. Herpes doesn't change the person you are. If anything, it makes you more open minded and less judgmental of others. It will help you see day-to-day things in a different light. You're less quick to judge others. I never thought I would ever get herpes. I was never promiscuous. I came from an upper-middle class home and to me I didn't "fit the demographic". Well STDs don't discriminate. Please understand that this could happen to ANYONE. Herpes can happen to anyone. It happened to us. And we can choose to have herpes break us, make us shameful and guilty. Or we can take it as a second chance. It's not a death sentence. We still have the same opportunities everyone else does. We need to go about our lives, fulfilling all our passions without letting this extremely over stigmatized skin condition hold us back. OKAY. WE GET COLDSORES. Who the fuck cares? People get cold sores on their mouths and no one makes a big deal about it. But all of the sudden it's on another part of our bodies and everyone goes apeshit? Forget it. You have your whole life ahead of you. So many wonderful things to experience. So many people are diagnosed with terminal illnesses and their lives are cut short. We have a skin condition, in an undesirable place of course, but that's all it is. So go out. Go hiking, laugh with your friends, have a beer, go skydiving, travel the world.. All of that is still a possibility. And yes, I think about it all the time...Will I ever find someone who will love me? Or is herpes going to shun away all my future potential partners? Just enjoy life as much as you can. And if you find someone who wants to share your life with you, makes you happy, and can accept you for everything you are (herpes and all) then great! I know it's hard. Everyone who has ever logged on to this forum knows this. But know that you are not alone. Everyone is here to support you and love you. Don't let herpes keep you from being the amazing person you are. You are still the same person. Herpes just happened. And life is unfair sometimes. But maybe this a blessing in disguise. Take the undesirable circumstances and make them into something positive, them best that you can. "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Seuss

I'd love to hear some stories of relationships AFTER herpes. Successful disclosures, happy relationships..anything. I'm trying to keep my head high about jumping back into the dating scene. But herpes makes me feel like a pariah and I feel that my attitude towards it is keeping me from having a positive attitude :( Any stories would be great.

That was incredibly uplifting Kristin. Thank you so much. I want to reread that response over and over again. Thank you.

Thanks Kristin. I do want us to have lots of time to get to know each other. But when is it too late to tell someone so they don't feel manipulated or tricked? (I am looking way into the future here but..) Part of me wants to wait until he expresses some true feelings; tells me he really cares about me/likes me/wants to be exclusive. If that's months from now, is that too late? And another factor is that we have mutual acquaintances/friends. If he reacts negatively, what if he tells someone else about me having herpes? To me, the only people I want knowing are the people I choose to disclose to (potential partners, my sister). My best friends don't even know. I'm sorry if I'm being a Debbie Downer, I just have so many thoughts running through my head. Part of me wants to dart out the door before I really start to like this guy, and the other part is trying to stay positive.

Thanks all for the encouraging responses. The date went phenomenally. We've hung out a few times since then (I just actually got back from his house). I haven't felt a connection like this with someone in so long. Secretly, I find myself looking for a flaw in him just so it doesn't have to evolve and eventually I'll have to disclose about H. I'm afraid. I really am. I know everything in your responses are true, I know I am worthy of love but it's hard to feel that way all the time. I told him I didn't want to sleep with anyone until I was involved in a relationship. He respects that and he said we should take things really slow. He said he feels a great connection with me. We just lay together and talk for hours about EVERYTHING. He really seems like a genuinely good guy. And I know this is a terrible way to think, but I keep feeling like I'm tricking him. Like we're going to go months talking and hanging out and when I eventually disclose he'll feel like he wasted his time. Maybe it is a dealbreaker for him and he'll feel annoyed that he wasted time only to find out that I have something he wants nothing to do with. And then I'll be so involved that I'll be crushed. I had such a great night. But I keep H in the back of my head always. I just wish more people recognized herpes as really just the annoying skin condition it is, not as the scarlet letter the stigma has made it out to be.

I got 60 pills of 400 mg of acyclovir for $12 at RiteAid. I don't know about anyone else but that's a great deal for me! Just thought I'd share.

My first outbreak lasted about 10 days and I also had a bacterial infection. Afterwards, I was outbreak free for a little over a week and then I am having my second outbreak right now. It's significantly less painful and I am taking 2000 mg of Lysine and Acyclovir 3 times a day. Get lots of sleep that seemed to help my fatigue and loading up on liquid s makes it a little less painful to pee. I hope you feel better soon!

VirgoGirl I am overwhelmed with happiness for you! Your story is one of courage and incredible self-love. Congratulations on this wonderful new journey in your life. To have found someone who loves you, herpes and all, is amazing. Because of this story I am starting off this week with a positive attitude and I am going to keep your story in the back of my mind next time I am feeling down and unlovely because of the H. Keep us updated, I wanna follow this wonderful love story!! Thanks for sharing.

I'm going on my first date since i found out I have HSV2. I met this guy while I was actually dating my ex (whom I believe was the carrier), well we broke up and this guy asked me out to coffee tomorrow. He and I have incredible conversations, great connection, and not to mention he is a total babe! He has everything going for him. He's attractive, smart (chemical engineer), funny, insightful and interesting. Before HSV2 I would've been so excited for this date. I would've walked in with unshakable confidence and would've thought I had it in the bag. Now all I can think about is: ok let's say this goes somewhere, let's say there's a second and third date and eventually things progress. Why would this guy, who could have any girl in the room, want a girl with herpes? I know I'm psyching myself out before anything happens but I feel that HSV is my Achilles' Heel. Some days I forget I have HSV and then moments where I may have to get close to someone and expose myself fill me with shame and regret. I'm sorry I know this is such a negative post. Just felt like I had to vent a bit. Just feeling low today :(

I think if I were someone who was H negative, the comment "it's one of the better ones" would have completely gone over my head. I would've heard that it's "gross" and "disgusting" and would've probably thought: wow that's gross, glad I don't have that. I think if it had been a joke about HIV/AIDS and they were making jokes about how negative it was, there would be HIV/AIDS groups and organizations backlashing the show and I could very well see there being a big deal being made about the show's insensitivity. Now granted, herpes and HIV are obviously completely different things. But why does that make it OK to make fun of herpes and reassure the negative stigma? To reassure the negative stigma that people with STDs are "gross" and "dirty"? It's frustrating to say the least.

Thanks EssieL and shawn for your responses. They're truly uplifting. I'm a work in progress and I'm going to keep working on having a positive attitude and hoping I'll find someone who loves me regardless of the H. I love these responses thanks so much.

Thank you for sharing. The thought of not finding love because of herpes is something I worry about a lot. But hearing stories like this make me feel hopeful. I'm happy you found someone wonderful who loves you for who you are not what you have!

Jess you described everything I am feeling at the moment. I am so happy for you that you have found someone understanding that sees you for the great person you are. Hearing your story does give me hope. If someone really loves you, they will look past stereotypes and stigmas and will do anything to be with you. I'm going to try to keep a positive attitude and trust that love will find me when I'm ready. Thanks for your response.