NothingGoodGetsAway

@jenphoenix40 as I was walking to work today, listening to the Spotify Top 100 Country songs (YES I live in NYC but these are my summer jams!) I heard this song, and after listening to the lyrics thought I wanted to share...I hope it makes you feel better, if nothing more than because country can be so silly but so insightful :) "Pourin' salt in my sugar won't make yours any sweeter Pissin' in my yard ain't gonna make yours any greener And I wouldn't know about the rocks in your shoes So I'll just do me and honey you can just do you"

I would recommend an OBGYN - if you don't have one, or one that can't get you in, try ZocDoc. They have same day appointments with a ton of doctors, it's how I got in quickly to get my cervix checked out with an OBGYN (the day I was diagnosed with herpes, they also saw "abnormalities" there. Fun day for me!) I doubt you'll find "the" doctor you want, but at least you will get in VERY quickly and as long as you tell them that you are in a relationship and/or having anxiety about outbreaks, they will prescribe you suppression medication!

@anna01 that's a completely valid point! I definitely jumped on the "gossip" train, but that's a really good point to make. Not all "chatter" is "gossip."

Sportygirl, I did not know that I had contracted it with my second partner - they were on the same weekend (><) bad decisions all around, and I had NO idea that I had gotten something. It really didn't make the discussion that much easier, if it eases your mind. It was still my actions that put him at risk, and I hated it. The only solace I could find is that he made the same decision as I did. That said, I have to agree with Anna01. Honesty is the best policy, for both your conscience and his health (and the health of his potential future partners). Yeah, it's going to freak him out, and honestly if he's one of the 80% with HSV-1 (orally), then he might even get tested now and turn out positive from an older infection and they might not even be able to tell the difference. BUT if he does show any signs, he'll know to get it checked, and that's the important part to remember. It might also give him a little jolt to realize that he shouldn't be having unsafe sex without an educated discussion first! In addition to all of Anna's points (which I think is the great start of the discussion), just keep in mind that you're both adults that made this decision.

@jenphoenix40 I'm so sorry this has happened to you. But I have to say, someone that feels the need to talk about you behind your back, to find gossip in someone else's pain, does not deserve your love and loyalty. You are so much better than that, and now you have been able to filter out a bad piece of your life thanks to this. I'm glad you're thinking of this as a reflection on them - because it absolutely is! This probably has more to do with them realizing that they're not invincible (because someone in their friend group got it) and being scared. When people are scared, sometimes they can't find strength in themselves and climb on top of others to feel better. Those are sad little people, and not those that deserve your time or energy. For those good people that hear the story, their reaction will be "why are you telling me this, this is none of your business." You will come out of this being stronger, and all that happened to them is they got to prove their true value. <3

Pending your answer to @Anna01 , here's my experience... And keep in mind that GHSV-1 and GHSV-2 behave differently, and you've had yours for a while, not sure about your suppression meds, etc... I had unprotected sex with a partner the night after I contracted GHSV-2 (I had no idea that I had put myself at risk, my friend was "clean" according to his STI panel!) I faced the same question...do I tell someone that I put them at risk? I could have just ceased communications with him, pretended like I hadn't shown symptoms, and been surprised if/when he called. But I told him. It was awful, I felt extremely guilty and ashamed, but telling someone takes courage. It shows that you still care about someone else's health more than your pride. In my case, it turns out that he was showing symptoms, and had just been hoping that it was razor burn. If I hadn't told him, he would have assumed it was a rash and moved on, maybe going on to infect others, or never knowing where it came from... Instead, by telling him, he was able to go to the doctor to assess his symptoms. The doctor thought it did look like HSV, but I believe they're still waiting on the tests. By telling him, he was able to see minor symptoms and get it addressed. In my case, this kind, sweet guy *thanked* me for telling him. He said he knew I didn't have to, and he knows how hard it was for me to do that. Believe me, it didn't make telling him any easier, but it made me feel like I did the right thing. It REALLY sucks to be in this situation. I get it. You have to ask yourself if you're okay to continue to talk to him regularly, to potentially build something with him, and still keep this to yourself. Keep this in mind as well: 1) You're adults that made a consensual decision to not wear a condom. At the end of the day, it sounds like NEITHER of you checked the other's status. Yes, it's on us, knowing that we carry the virus, to warn a partner. And given our higher risk for catching something else, we should always know our partner's status! But you're both adults, and you both chose to be unprotected without discussion. Please keep that in mind, it may help you not go so crazy. 2) Risk of transmission: meaning, you haven't had an outbreak in xx months, low risks of transmission even without a condom (I think like 2% with GHSV-1, 4% with GSHV-2). Low rates don't mean you don't disclose, but it will help ease the post-exposure disclosure.

Wooo. Alright, team. I keep a pretty upbeat, hopeful mind around this whole diagnosis, but I need a little bit of help here... Facts: GHSV-2, acquired July 4. I have a weakened immune system right now - another bad bout of tonsillitis that has me on steroids and antibiotics, yikes! On suppressive medication (Valtrex, 1g / day) As I was sitting on the couch today, I was laying...erm...exposed...and rested my hand on my thigh/labia (not any "play" just resting there). Not thinking (SO CRAZY) I brought that same hand and pulled at a bit of my lip that I'd bitten earlier that day (meaning, there was a cut on my lip where I touched). Given that I wasn't having any outbreaks or prodromes, I was only lightly resting my hand, and my most recent outbreak (1 sore) healed on Tuesday and wasn't anywhere in the area that I was resting my hand, can the others on the board just set my mind at ease a bit and let me know the danger that I'm looking at? I will be so much more careful in the future - I honestly had 3 seconds that I forgot I had herpes and made an error...

I've told my "story" to upwards of 20 people so far - no one that is a romantic interest yet, primarily all of my female friends, and coworkers as well as gay friends of mine. I'm sure that it will spread from there, but I'm in an age bracket (25-35) that isn't gossipy. If it does spread, I only hope that my educational points do too - I'm telling my friends so they can know that NO ONE tests for this, and "clean" doesn't mean anything. My giver had no idea he had this (a combination of never having a primary outbreak, very minor recurrent symptoms of a small irritation, and doctors that reinforced that he was "clean" with every STI panel), so I have told anyone I feel comfortable with and care about that there is a danger out there. So far, only one person has known this wasn't included in and STI panel, one revealed she had ghsv1 and another said that she had dated and was intending to sleep with a man that was ghsv2 positive. If you look at your "reveal" as educational, then you may feel much better if its shared. That's the way I think about it anyways!

I haven't disclosed to anyone yet, so take any thoughts with a grain of salt, but if I were in your position I would wait. That doesn't mean that you have to wait until you see him. Just give yourself time to actually consider the situation and the different outcomes. Is there a strong expectation that the "travel" means "sex"? Meaning, have you had discussions about desires, wants, "can't waits" etc? Of course there's likely a "hope" for sex, but if you think he actually wants to travel with you, to see different sites and stay up late with you as you explore, then 'sex' is only part of the equation. Maybe you can start to feel him out in his texts or your conversations - are they super flirty or sexual? Is it clear that he wants your bod? If you feel like the conversation (on both sides) is getting overtly sexual, it's a good time to call it out. "Hey, so I am really enjoying this back and forth we have going - it's just making me more and more excited to see you as soon as possible! I really can't wait. I do just want to talk to you about one thing that's on my mind..." (start disclosure talk) If, on the other hand, your conversations are fun, emotional, jokey and flirty (and maybe a bit of sexual tension), then it's up to you when you want to tell him. I think that you might not be giving yourself (or maybe even him!) enough credit. You're not "duping" him (unless you've basically promised sex, see above) by agreeing to go on a trip with him! Any guy would be lucky to travel with you (you met at a festival? you live in another country? you're traveling around?? baller girl!). The only other consideration I would have on the side of disclosing before the trip would be then you know you can trust him to travel with you. Meaning, if you don't know the guy well, and you think he might have a big reaction, maybe talking at the hostel isn't the best time to tell him. You should be able to enjoy your trip (solo or with him) and the LAST thing you need is uncertainty!

This is such a great story to hear! This reminded me of a quote where my username comes from. The full text can be found here: http://www.lettersofnote.com/2012/01/nothing-good-gets-away.html, but it's a letter from John Steinbeck to his son when his son realizes he is in love with a girl at boarding school but doesn't know how to tell her: There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you—of kindness and consideration and respect—not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had. ... And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens—The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away. It's so amazing to hear stories of love, support and understanding. Of course no one can tell the future, but "if it is right, it happens." Right here, right now for you, this is right and this is happening. Embrace and love it for all it's worth. What is good and right in your life will stay. And then next great thing is going to come and be right and keep happening. <3

After my recent diagnosis (3 weeks ago), I haven't felt like "me". Every time I've done something close to "normal" in the past few weeks, I've joked to my friends that I'm a walking Valtrex commercial. (cut to me doing a day hike with friends. Turn to camera: "Just because you're living with herpes, doesn't mean you need to stop living!" cut to me putting on makeup and dancing at a concert. Laughing with friends while we play board games) < PS all of these things are true. But you know why I feel that way? BECAUSE LIFE GOES ON. I'm the only one that knows that "me" has herpes. To everyone else - to all of my friends, coworkers, those cute guys at the bar, and friends of friends that thought I was a "catch" before, THEY STILL THINK I'M A CATCH NOW. To them, nothing has changed because there is no "before" and "after" me, there's just me. I'm the only one that knows something is different! Now, you'd say, "but it IS different. You can't sleep with people willy nilly now." But I wouldn't have slept with the vast majority of them anyways! 99% of interested parties would have never progressed to the point of a date, let alone sex. Sorry, potential Tinder hookups, but the downtown area is closed for business, serious applicants only. And you know what? That's actually, legitimately me. I wasn't planning on living a life full of casual sex post my LTR breakup in May (despite my July 4 fling with a friend), so this is just reinforcing "me." And, for those that *do* eventually get far enough, they'll know how awesomely amazing I am. Because I am still incredible. Am I ready to have sex right now? Hell no. Especially with a recent diagnosis, I don't think I would be comfortable assuring a partner that sex with me is anywhere close to the caveated "safe with some risk." My body is still in an uproar, fighting off this unknown invader and the suppressive medication is doing what it can. But is that a question I should be asking myself now, without a potential partner even on the horizon? Nope. But am I ready to keep living? Yup. So how about we focus on the real questions like: Do I want ice cream for dinner? Yes. Do I want to go to the office happy hour? Sure! How about watching an outdoor concert this weekend? A baller ass picnic in the park, complete with wine and cheese? Swanky cocktails and first date conversation? A random bar makeout? A trip abroad? Late night dancing with friends? YES YES AND HELL YES. Does H stop me from doing any of these things? NO. Maybe physically I'm in a bit of discomfort, emotionally I have peaks and valleys, but I'm still very capable of karaoke, thank you very much. Everything about this experience has taught me to take this one day at a time. And that's hard as hell to do because we all want to jump ahead. But that's not unique to someone with H. "Who will love me now" is a question that we all face, H or no. I'm feeling lonely in bed at night because I'M SINGLE not because I HAVE HERPES. I can't speak for future me, because future me may very well have serious complications with H or have a nasty disclosure that leaves her feeling gutted. But future me could also be hit by a subway train tomorrow. Future me could win the lottery. Future me could be perfectly normal with a few outbreaks here and there and a disclosure that leaves her feeling loved. But I can't worry about future me, just how current me can stay the course and stay positive. We all have a choice: do we live our lives in fear because of what could happen tomorrow? Or live our lives and embrace the now, because who knows what tomorrow brings? We are all afraid of the unknown. The only thing you know is right now. Keep living. Be a Valtrex commercial, dammit.

Thank you so much for your update Lexi! I kind of love that you ended up neglecting the forum - knowing that there are long stretches in my future where I might not think about this, might not login to the forum or do a google search of symptoms is uplifting. It's so important that we all remember that life can go on and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel!

@wcsdancer2010 PLEASE get out there and get people educated! I've told ~15 friends/coworkers, and only ONE of them knew that herpes isn't included in the "full" STI panel. I was just exposed and contracted GHSV-2 in early July from a close friend that never showed "traditional" symptoms and had tested clean. It's so frustrating to know that simply including this test in the panel might have prevented this whole debacle!

Hoping someone can help weigh in on their experience with the primary OB. How long do you go until you're symptom free and consider the outbreak "done"? Do you consider itching to be one of the symptoms or is this my lovely yeast infection continuing? Does an OB "clear" but have a chance of recurring with 1-2 more or is that a new OB? My Timeline: Wednesday, July 8 - initial symptoms, thought they were tears (hopeful thinking) Friday, July 10 - Went to a doctor that could do a swab (and she was far more confident). Given 1000mg 2x day Valcyclovir Friday, July 17 - Lesions cleared (saw a gyno) but told I have a yeast infection. Monday July 20 - I discovered a small new "tear" Wednesday, July 22 - No visual lesions, small discharge but generally itchy (all over, 2 spots in particular) and just generally sensitive. Realize that the above is something I'm going to learn about myself, but I'm wondering when you consider one outbreak "over" and another one "beginning". Was the new tear a second outbreak or a continuation of the primary? Thank you for all of your experience!!

I too took suppressive therapy right after my first outbreak. I don't have a partner to protect quite yet, but I have just started dating after being out of a 4 year relationship, and I know that doing everything I can to prevent an outbreak will help me feel confident when I meet new people (talk about a line straight from a Valtrex commercial), and eventually when I have a discussion I can tell him the precautions and the amazingly low transmission rates. My gyno wasn't all that helpful with the meds (or knowledgeable about herpes - she actually said I can't transmit unless I'm having an outbreak. Oh m'am. No of course that's what I want to hear but it's just not true!), but she gave me the Rx and I ran away with it giddily. I'm going to work on getting a second opinion from a recommended doctor, but until then I will take my suppression meds.

I'm in the same place! however, I visited the gyno and she said that I also had a pretty bad yeast infection (hey-o, my vag is winning the lottery this month. Can it pick some numbers for me?) so if you're having any white discharge, keep a look out. I also, though, discovered one new lesion (papercut) yesterday and had a little breakdown. I took today off work and sat in an epsom salt bath twice so far, it really seems to be helping. I have this feeling that herpes is like the jealous woman in your friend group that waits til you think you look pretty and says something just to take you down a peg. But fuck that bitch, we ARE going to feel normal, even if there are going to be setbacks. Remember that they will end, they will heal, and we will learn what causes them. I'm considering starting a journal to see what helps and hurts - I tried coffee yesterday and had alcohol last night, so I'm doing a great job of doing pretty much everything to keep this outbreak going.

@justagirl72 it's quite a rollercoaster, isn't it? I haven't been on a constant wave of pity, but it will just wash over me and then in a few hours, and a few gchats with friends later, it will be gone and I'm back to being a little more me. The physical part is just the shitty icing on the cake, isn't it? I just wrote a post about being in that awful physical place (not to mention your mental place) which happened during first outbreak last week (http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6712/i-will-never-take-health-for-granted-again#latest). By the end of the week, which included a urgent care trip (herpes) ER trip (tonsillitis) and a gyno visit (abnormal cervix) I literally said "I hope the only thing that's wrong with me is herpes". For those of us that are lucky enough to be blessed with good health (which we more often than not take for granted), we really forget what it's like when you don't have that health. And your body is in the garbage and you feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. But there is. You'll get through this. Is the link you're talking about the Dating with an STD link? That thing was a game changer for me. If any guy has any question about dating me, I'm actually going to send him that link. Sex is nothing to be trivialized, it means a lot to so many people (myself included), but if they really can't see that I am still the sweet, funny, sexy, thoughtful, kindhearted, earnest, smart woman that they've been dating for XX weeks after I disclose, then I'm fairly certain they were not that into me to begin with. Also, having a "truth" friend is so helpful. Not to tell you that you're wrong for how you're feeling, but to contextualize this shit for you. We will heal, physically and mentally. Until then, give yourself a break. We are not superwoman. We do not have to get over this in a week. We can grieve, but we can remember that grieving is not a destination but a key part of the process to acceptance.

@2legit2quit That's definitely what I'm thinking. Not to mention the fact that I neglected to take nearly all of my antibiotics in late June, so when all of this acted up my tonsils went HEY WE WANT IN ON THE FUN LET'S MAKE SOME CHAOS.

@2legit2quit I did not get swabbed in my mouth - only in my genitals as that is the only place that I was presenting. When I spoke to the Ear Nose and Throat doctor, she said that it was tonsillitis and the chances of it being HSV-2 presenting only in one location in the mouth was very slim. From what I've read, that sounds right?? I'm not sure I can handle an HSV-2 in the mouth diagnosis right now.

Hello, H Buddies! I wanted to write a post and collect some of the advice that I've gotten from my friends, coworkers, doctors and these boards that have helped me so much. First, the comedy: Dane Cook: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pVB0PfzdrY "And the funny thing is, girls when you get it, guys we don't even give a shit! "um..what side is it on? The left? Okay I'll just peel that back and come in from the east" Amy Schumer: (God: For me to undo your herpes, I'd have to kill off an entire village in Uzbekastan Amy: Yeah, of course, whatever you think is best. Do it. God: You'll also have to give up something. Amy: name it God: You have to stop drinking. Amy: Pass. Um...what is herpes, exactly? It's an outbreak like, once a year? I don't know. I'll just take it.) TRUTH. PREACH. http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2014/02/dating-with-a-std.html First off, stop blaming yourself, stop blaming the person who infected you, stop blaming the world. It happened and there is nothing you can do to get rid of it. You can sit in the house, feel bitter because you can’t play in the reindeer games, and invest in the world’s greatest vibrator OR you can accept the hand that was dealt and win with that shit. Sex is not that big of a person’s life if you add up all the hours in the day, so it’s not that you’re being handicapped by this STD in terms of going out and meeting people. If you’re the type of person that needed the allure of your new pussy to hook a man, then you were failing at life before you got those test results. You’re crying and depressed because you’ll never find a man that wants you because any sex will have to come with a warning label… is your personality that fucking weak? You mean to tell me that you can’t impress a man with your wit, your humor, or kindness, that unless the light at the end of the tunnel is RAW PUSSY that you are shit out of luck? The universe took away your Coochie Crutch and said, “Prove you’re still a bad bitch,” and here you are eyes all watery like, “You’re right, I’m not shit without an active vagina!” My wise friends: (Friend 1) i've decided as your friend, i'm giving you until august 3rd to be sad and regretful but then after that im turning on the no bullshit no sympathy for the past attitude which means like... tough shit girl, you got herpes, it happened, it's done, move forward old news and hopefully me being an asshole will help you fact is... you're going to meet your husband in the future... and have herpes and you definitely wont be the first person to meet and a marry a person with herpes because... get this.. you're A PERSON A REALLY COOL FUCKING AWESOME PERSON (Friend 2) It's one of the world's oldest things you can get and it's controllable. A lot of people have it so don't worry about the stigma. Someone who truly loves you won't give a shit. And just focus on getting better. When your body is in that much pain you're going to feel like a trashbag and feel like you won't ever be normal. But you will be. You will heal and you will be back to being you. (Friend 3) (when I was asking for confirmation that people would still date me) Of course people will still date you. There are plenty of other reasons why they wouldn't date you that are way more problematic than herpes ;) (Friend 4) All of our guy friends think you're hot. Hot and beautiful, which sounds childish but really is a distinction dudes discuss and understand. And everyone feels the same way that you're a cool chick. This doesn't change any of that. You shouldn't worry because you are a strong, kind, funny, desired and respected woman. (Doctor) Listen, someone is going to love you for all of you. When I came to this country 7 years ago, I was with my husband from an arranged marriage who was abusive and my son. My husband left me all alone, and sometimes I look at my child and think "who will love me with this?" and I realize that the person that I'm meant to be with will love me and all of this. Not despite of, but because of, all that I am. And that includes my son. And you will find that love that loves everything for you.

This has been the toughest 2 weeks for me, emotionally, mentally and physically. It should have been an amazing night to remember. This all started on the roof of a building in Brooklyn, just after the watching fireworks on the 4th of July. He was a friend that was leaving town, I was just out of a 4 year relationship and had just officially moved out and into my new place. We were far too drunk to be doing anything, but I was feeling carefree and reckless. Immediately afterwards, I felt dirty - not just from the grit of the rooftop, but from my actions. I cried in the cab on the way home, and my uber driver kindly said something to the tune of "forget that guy." 4 days later, I felt sharp pains around my vagina. I looked in the mirror and thought "wow, that must have been the roughest sex ever. I wonder why the cuts took so long to show up." I had what looked like a 1.5 inch tear, with 2-3 other smaller papercuts on the other edges. I went to work, uncomfortable, and as the day progressed and I went to the bathroom more and more to check, I realized the number of 'tears' were growing. Panicked, I ran to an urgent care, where a doctor saw me and sympathetically but firmly told me they were sores, not cuts. I cried. She also told me that my cervix did not look normal. Wonderful. On top of all of this, I had a sore throat, and chalked it up to the sore throat that comes with the herpes territory. By Sunday, I could tell this was not an ordinary case of sore throat. I couldn't decide whether to hurt from my sores or hurt from my throat, but with each swallow I felt lower and lower. I remembered having tonsillitis in June and the nearly half-full bottle of antibiotics on my dresser. I was fucked. On Monday at 4am, I woke up and felt a giant swelling on the roof of my mouth. I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My throat was so swollen I couldn't see the back of my throat. I immediately passed out. When I came to, I crawled into my best friend's room and passed out again. I called her name weakly, and we called an ambulance. It turned out to be a Peritonsillar Abscess, which they were able to ease in the ER and they prescribed me harsh antibiotics. I was confirmed a few days later for HSV-2 (swabbed). My throat was better, I had a diagnosis, and only one thing stood in my way: the cervix issue. I scheduled a gyno appointment and nervously went in. I remember thinking to myself "please just let the worst news I hear this week be that I have herpes." How's that for perspective? The doctor examined me, and said my cervix was "a piece of art." (nothing there) but that I did have a yeast infection. Can my lady bits get a break, please?! Now, nearly 2 weeks after the first signs of the outbreak, I am vacillating between normal and symptomatic. It's still a bit red (but that might be the yeast infection), and I've noticed a new "papercut". I just want to feel normal again. I just want to be healthy and strong again. All the worrying about no one loving me - that's a future me problem. The current me needs to get better and feel better. It's been a really tough road, and I'm barely starting my journey. All I can think is how important my health is to me and how lucky I've been to never appreciate what that really means. If anything, this whole experience is making me realize that I'm still lucky. I've got amazing friends and coworkers, as this experience has shown, and otherwise I have my health. It is after all just a skin disease, right?