NothingGoodGetsAway

@kaytea3 yup I just experienced a bad OB from rough sex - stupidly I was drunk and even when it started to hurt a bit I kept going. Condoms make it so hard YES lube. Think I can carry it in my purse ;-p @desertlove - most all have been in a bar situation. So once I kind of know it's coming (or hell, he says something), I'll drop it. I don't have an interest in taking a cab and either of us feeling pressure once we're back at an apartment. Frankly, I don't want them to feel like I tricked them. Plus, I want to make sure they're fully informed, and not so horned up in like a bed that they can only make one decision. I'd want to know before being at someone's apartment, to have the option to slink back into the night (which, again, no one has done!). One time the opportunity was perfect - he said it's not like I have an STD or something! - and I was like "funny enough"... I have noticed that a few of the guys were surprised that I brought it up, because they weren't assuming that sex was definitely happening. i think telling them makes sex seem imminent rather than a maybe, so I might work on my phrasing a bit in case I want the *option* for sex but not the guarantee...I've been happy with the outcome to date and don't think I'd bring a one night stand home unless I disclosed before.

hi all, I wanted to come by and give an update to any newbies that are looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. It's been almost 2 years since I contracted hsv-2 from an unprotected encounter with a good friend (yay surprise!). He was the 4th person I'd ever slept with, and I had only just gotten out of my 4 year long relationship 2 months earlier. It wasn't fair, and it was awful. From a health perspective, I had a terrible primary that lasted about a month, rolling into small outbreaks every few weeks for about 6 months. At the 6 month mark, and since, I've averaged an outbreak about every 3 months - usually when I get lazy with my suppressive or had rough sex/am stressed. So, the health stuff gets better. Suppressive meds are a lifesaver. From a dating perspective - and this is why I wanted to give an update. I dated someone for a year and a half while having the herps. I had started talking to him just before I contracted, and went on our first date the day I started to feel something was wrong. He was a sweet, kind man who didn't think twice about the herpes, and was supportive and understanding as I struggled with my diagnosis and health that next year. I was very lucky to have him by my side - not lucky in the sense that he "accepted" my status, but because he was exactly what I needed to get through health challenges that might have had to do with herpes and others that had no connection. We broke up at the beginning of this year, for reasons not related to herpes at all. So, the casual sex update. I'm still not dating - I don't know what I'm looking for and I need to give myself some time. So, this is me disclosing to men that I'm attracted to but not necessarily interested in something more long term. I've disclosed to several men so far, and only one took a few minutes to decide. None declined the offer for sex, and most had no questions. The one question I've gotten so far is whether oral (from him) is on the table - and I assured him it was. One mentioned that he was surprised that I told him, another said that it made him feel like he could trust me and knew that it took balls to disclose. All were fine with condoms and even the next morning (when the booze wore off) they were wanting to go again. Is that Tmi? I'm sorry just trying to give you a sense of success here! I look back at myself two years ago, crying to my friends that I would die alone with 100 cats, that I was robbed of any future of casual sex, and that guys would run for the hills. Now, I know that it's just not a big fucking deal. I know that it's hard to see when you're just coming to terms with it, but it's true. I've had a successful relationship, and casual sex, and life is pretty fucking normal. My rule is that I always disclose, preferably in the bar itself while the arrangements are being discussed. I disclosed once in a cab and I felt really claustrophobic, don't do that haha. I've had small bouts of paranoia after the fact, especially one time when I had an outbreak the day after. But if I disclose, and I didn't have any symptoms before, then there's no need for guilt or paranoia. Always disclose, a night of fun isn't worth the guilt or awkward conversation later. And if I'm any indication, then the disclosure has a good chance at success. Hang in there. You'll be fine. It sucks, it will suck more times than others, but life goes on. Theres too much life to live, don't spend it scared of what might happen.

@desertlove I have! The first turned into a long term relationship, which ended due to nothing to do with herpes. Since, I've successfully disclosed to a few potentials and partners, and haven't been turned down yet. I'm sure it will come and I'll be bummed, but knowing that several guys have been willing to get down helps me keep faith that this really is not a big deal. I actually think it (ends up) being cute watching the guys do a little math in their head. In the moment it's a little scary. So...condoms? Is the usual answer. Once, disappointed a guy asked "so no oral" and I was like no no that's actually totally fine, extremely low risk and he was like yessss. I'll be honest and say I've not disclosed to anyone that I see a future with so that helps me keep the pressure low and I'm not very scared. Again, I'm sure that day will come. But til then, it's been no big deal and even a few repeat customers

Holy. Shit. Your story could be mine, exactly. I even got herpes in July 2015, so just before you. I wish I would've been able to tell you! I was always the good girl of the group. I had had sex with four men prior to getting herpes – and the person that I hooked up with was the best friend of one of my best friends. It was the first time that I had ever been unsafe with anyone, and my first one night stand. Also, I lost my virginity 4 years before, at the ripe old age of 25 I never did anything wrong. Didnt drink til I was 21. I never lied to parents growing up. I never cheated. And yet I still, out of everyone, got this. Oh, I also got hpv - high risk - around the same time. Never got the shots because I didn't have alex in college when they promoted it. I did the same thing, and still do, as you. I try to tell people that it's not about whether they know that they're clean, they don't *know* that they're clean. No one tests for it, and my giver didn't even know that he had it because he didn't have typical symptoms. I try to use it like an education after two today, and I think people appreciate it, but it just doesn't hit home until it happens to you. I have a best friend is still sleeps around with guys with condoms, without condoms, and when pressed she says "I knoooooow." The truth is, we want our downfall to mean something. We want our mistakes to protect other people from their mistakes. We want this to not be a random, shitty thing that happened to relatively decent people. But, the truth is it's just a random, shitty thing that happened to good people. And, I think the truth is is that we're both a little bit jealous of those people that continue to make the same mistake that we made one time and never feel the punishment for it. That's what I felt like herpes was, a punishment. I have been good all of those years, and the first thing I did anything bad it was suddenly a punishment. But, the very truth is is that these girls won't get herpes. It's not going to come down on them like it did for us, and that makes us a little bit angry and bitter. And that's okay to feel, just a little bit. Because it's not fair. It's not karma. We're proof of that, and so are they.

Please get to the ophthalmologist ASAP. Honestly, there's and extremely slim chance it's herpes - and if it was it wouldn't just be loss of vision, it would be blisters / itchy / red etc. I lost vision suddenly in my left eye last year, and like you I jumped to herpes. Had to go to an opthalneurologist who diagnosed me with an idiopathic (aka no clear cause) pressure to my optic nerve. Now, my vision is completely normal, no issues. But really hit up that doctor now, if it's nothing they'll alleviate your worry and if it's something they can help!

Hello and well doesn't your story sound familiar! I too got H from a friend with long time flirtation (and had only recently become single from my first sexual partner woot). Also, I live in Manhattan as well! I haven't found great NYC resources really, but these boards helped me through the toughest time, which was the first 6 months (currently at about 1 year 4 months) I had a tough time controlling my H, so I was (and still am)on a gram of valacyclovir a day. Depending on your situation, it may mentally just help you to not only finish your prescribed outbreak dosage, but talk to your doctor about getting on suppression. And if she tries to talk you out of it..well, I have a great OBGYN to recommend to you. Overall, all doctors kind of react similarly to how yours did - sort of like "eh it's not a big deal." Because it's not. So many things can actually kill you, herpes can't. But they forget how mentally exhausting it is. As for your friend, not a fun conversation, I can tell you. My giver was crushed; he felt like he was just this awful person that didn't know he had herpes. But the truth is that we as women tend to be more in tune with our bodies, so when we first get H our first inclination is to figure it the eff out bugling to a doctor. Your friend may never have had any symptoms, or sometimes got "jock itch" etc. if he knew and didn't tell you, that's of course a different story! if you want a laugh (and hey it might be too soon for you), I think this Dane cook sketch is pretty good (how a guy can rationalize anything to make it not herpes) and it sure helped me:https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YxMIr4J3dv0 Amy Schumer also had a great sketch with herpes (where she tries to make a deal with god to not have herpes, but everything she'd have to give up isn't worth the tradeoff) While most herpes humor isn't funny, I think both of these give a good sense of perspective! Best of luck lady.

Your experience sounds a lot like mine. My genital outbreak preceded a terrible sore throat (that became a peritonsillar abscess) by a few days. I never had sores in or on my throat - just a badly infected tonsil. I guess I'll never know if it was hsv of the tonsils since it wasn't tested, but all of my ENT specialists considered it bacterial since it would go away while on antibiotics. The diarrhea could and is probably totally from the antibiotics. I had that bad after being on rounds and rounds of it last summer - it's a very common antibiotic side effect. It could also be your nerves from being stressed and the immune system stress your body is under. Any way you slice it- it's normal given your situation so nothing to worry about! For the itching, it will get better. Are you on suppressives? They do say that hsv2 is uncommon in the throat / mouth, but I did a lot of research last summer given my situation and I can see how it would happen; your body has no immunity and you get a double whammy in both places. It's not supposed to come back often, (every 10 years in research) and the shedding rates are next to nothing. So there's the good news there!

Those are sebaceous glands - completely normal and nothing to worry about! I just recently had my second "official" outbreak - and I know we all say here that obs can be a lot of different things, but at least in my case, there was no "is it or isnt it" an outbreak :) there was no mistaking that! In my experience, all you have to do is wait to see if something is an OB. If it's there for a few days, has some pain or itching, and then goes away - that might be an OB. If it stays around for longer than 5 days, doesn't hurt, etc, then it's almost definitely something completely unrelated to herpes. And probably totally normal too!

I think the fact that it's appearing on "either side" of you that points to friction. Yes, herpes can be on either side, but do the spots mirror each other? That would mean that both sides got rubbed (and condoms without lube can definitely hurt!) Beyond that, herpes is opportunistic - it likes to come out when there's injury or damaged skin. It's why some folks with ohsv-1 can't go in the sun without an outbreak, or why we say here if you have razor burn or a cut from sex you should give it time to heal - herpes can creep in and make an injury into an OB. So that's just my opinion - you got rubbed from sex, then if you're having actual tingles it's probably the ghsv-1 saying ooooh opportunity! I know it's easy to say, but I would assume it's hsv-1 until you can get a blood test in ~3 months or have an actual blister appear so you can test it. Have you considered daily suppressive meds, since you're having so many symptoms regularly?

Oral hsv-2 sheds 1% of the time when its not active...and since you're on suppressives, that should cut it by another 50%. So that means, that on any given day you could shed 14 minutes, and on suppressives it's down to 7 random minutes. That's not exactly right, but that's one way to think about it. There's just no way to tell which minutes it might be happening. Additionally, that shedding should go down the longer you have it I think. Those numbers go out the window the second you experience any symptoms - then you're actively shedding. From my understanding, you don't just shed in that one spot you outbreak, it could be any part of your mouth. It wouldn't be in the saliva as herpes is pretty fragile, but it could be on your lip. This isn't meant to scare you, just put the risk in perspective. Theres a risk, but it's slim. Igg tests are the accurate tests - igm are inaccurate for herpes. When you say "no symptoms of genital"...are you sure? Never a redness, jock itch, ingrown hair? 80% of people have "no symptoms" but it's actually that they're super mild. I'd also recommend trying to think through if you've ever had anything like that. Personally, I think the risk for oral to genital in your case is small. If you both are unsure, for a little while you could try dental dams.

Also, for sex to be a "trigger," I take that to mean that it either causes a cutie weakness in the skin that gives H a chance to rear its head (meaning it's a cut and then H becomes actively later) *or* there was enough H chilling right at the surface, waiting to become an OB, and the friction from sex let it rise to the surface Are you on suppression? I know some folks still have constant OBs and symptoms whole on meds, but really if youre on suppression and getting these cuts always immediately, always without symptoms, and they never itch and heal immediately, that speaks to cuts. All of this worry is coming from protecting your BF - so my recommendation is to get as knowledgeable as you can, and talk to him about it. It's not your job to take all of the weight to decide whether or not it's something to worry about! ;)

Agh this is a tough one. I too get some of the "cuts" after sex - and I mean *immediately* or even during (I have photographic evidence). Yes, H can show up as cuts, but to not have any prodromes, and no pain or itching, and always immediately after....after speaking with both my boyfriend and several gynos, we have decided to treat those as small abrasions. That's not to say it's not h. It's just what my boyfriend has decided that he's comfortable with. If you want, you could have a convo with your BF that says "it doesn't feel like h, multiple doctors have told me it's not, but...one doc says it was. Let's talk about it."

Though the feeling of "I don't blame them" is understandable, it's NOT warranted! Reverse the situation...if he told you that he had HSV-1, that all you had to do was abstain from kissing or oral sex during an OB, and that he was considering suppressive therapy to further protect you...what would you say? I bet you would be willing to at least do research and understand how little of a disease this is. I think, and I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I think what you're feeling is the guilt perhaps over doing something "wrong" and that you "deserve" to be pushed away. Kissing an ex in April wasn't technically "right," but you don't deserve to be punished and you certainly don't deserve to be pushed away by something as small as HSV-1. BTW - remember- over 80% of the U.S. has HSV-1, so good luck to your BF trying to find the 1 in 5 women who don't have this!! Does he know about the kiss? If so, I've had that same situation happen to me (in the reverse) and it's a tough thing to hear, and he is likely processing what that means and is using H as his excuse to hide his hurt. If not, then he's just kind of being an idiot.

Can I ask, about the acyclovir ointment - are you using it genitally daily? I don't know much about ointments, but it seems like from what I've read that it's meant to attack an OB when it's happening, not as a preventative measure. I just wonder if you're aggravating your bits a little bit by over treating? (also, I have noticed that the more that I look...the more I am trying to make all my symptoms H. But twice, it's been a burn from Tea Tree Oil, a few times have been overall itching from a bad yeastie infection, and a few others were cuts from sex/rubber.) Of course you know what you need to do for yourself to keep yourself going, and the immune system boosters sound like the best route.

Ouch, I'm so sorry he responded in such an uneduated and rude way. He could absolutely be a carrier of one of the viruses (or both even). If you're no longer talking to him, then consider yourself dodging a bullet. Realize that YOU (WE) ARE NOT ALONE. 1 in 6 americans have Genital Herpes 1 in 4 women 1 in 8 men and of those that have it, only 1 in 5 people know. It SEEMS really rare, but it's only rare because people don't know. I've told...25 people. No one else has this. Scratch that - statistically, 4 of them have it, but no one I know knows that they have it. And until July of this year, that would have included the person (friend) that was my giver. This virus is an inconvenience for most of us that know that we have it (the 20% that have symptoms) and a non issue for the 80% of us that have it and don't know we have it. And from what I've read on forums and learned from discussions, that same balance would probably work in terms of how many (-) people it would bother...20% of the people we talk to might take issue with it, but 80% of those that we talk to are going to be sane, rational, nice, understanding and educated people. I'm just sorry your last discussion had to be with the minority of men.

I date an H- person, and we take precautions - I take daily suppressive (Valtrex) medication to reduce the shedding that the virus does (shedding is where the virus chills on the skin but doesn't cause an outbreak), and we use condoms. I know you mention you don't like condoms, but it's possible to have a relationship with someone that you trust without them...it will just take time... I would think that one reason that you're only now feeling like the scabs are herpes comes from guilt. I've seen it alot (and I'm a "guilty" party too) - where we feel like we did something wrong, and that we are now getting penalized for it. It's tough, but you should realize that your mind can play tricks on you, and especially if your conscience is getting the better of you!

Thank you @bambina3 @2legit2quit and @wcsdancer2010 As an update, I went to my gyno who was like "where?....wait, where?" She wasn't able to confirm whether or not it was a wart because it was so tiny - like i said, half the size of a ballpoint pen! - and said that she didn't recommend any treatment because it didn't look or act like a wart (yet). She said she wouldn't have any concerns with oral with my BF (hallelujah!) and gave me a little talking to about looking *so* closely. Thank you for the support everyone!

Hi Team, I'm hoping for some words of encouragement and support. Just trying to be calm here, because life has already thrown plenty at me for a few poor decisions I made this summer.... I wanted to see if anyone has experience with warts. I may be looking *too* close at times, but I found a very very small bump on the edge of my labia minora, just below my clitorus. It's tiny - I'm talking maybe the size of the ball in a ballpoint pen - and it doesn't hurt, and I can't see it except with the super strong light and flash of my iPhone camera for it to even show up. I know that it's not H, because after I noticed it 2 weeks ago, I can see through my photo library that it's been there since early November (no change in shape or size, I'm just basically now noticing it). But I can't deny it anymore, it's there. I'm going to the OB/GYN this evening, and from what I've read, one of two things can happen: 1) She visually diagnoses and knows that it's not a wart 2) She visually diagnoses as "possibly" a wart or "definitely" a wart. Then, apparently, testing or biopsy of a potential growth isn't traditionally recommended because "The use of HPV DNA testing for genital wart diagnosis is not recommended, because test results would not alter clinical management of the condition." (CDC). So now, I'm kind of terrified. Given my pretty deep paranoia that I was just feeling like I was conquering, I feel like if I hear a "maybe", or even a "I think it is..." I will just worry. I have been trained to want to know for a fact, to have it tested and to have the results in hand. For those of you that have experience with warts, and the treatment, can you help reassure me of the process? I just CAN'T BELIEVE that this could even be happening to me... (for very selfish reasons, I'm also frustrated. After hitting my near 6 months now, with no symptoms for over 4 weeks, my boyfriend wants to do oral. And now, with this, right in the "danger zone" area for him, I just feel like I'm never going to be able to do this).

If you discuss with anyone that says "oh I don't have herpes, just cold sores," here's a great op-ed from Cosmopolitan: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a50139/cold-sores-are-herpes-too/

I hate myself for having potentially exposed him to this. He doesn't deserve that -- he deserves so much more, so much more than me, so much more than herpes. I feel so unworthy of him. I beat myself up so much over it that I ended up stressing myself into another outbreak. Alright, well first of all, you both decided to have an encounter on Craigslist without discussing STIs. I assume he didn't ask, and so you didn't tell. He does have some responsibility in this as well...You're not a bad person, you made a decision but so did he! Secondly - Are you wanting to tell him because you want to tell him about the exposure? Or are you wanting to tell him to be honest, and hope that the relationship can continue to grow? If it's the first, and you need to get it off your chest and you're concerned about his safety/health, then you should tell him ASAP. I don't think this kind of discussion would need to be in person if you just want him to know as soon as possible. Agreed with the Skype call, but a text would suffice just so he knows. Not the best way, and he might not respond, but at least he would know. If it's the second, it would be great to do it in person...but if he's not committing to a specific time, then you should push for Skype.

You might think that it's weird, but honestly most of us don't pay attention to parts of our body until we really start to look. Then we look and we're like WHAT THE HELL IS THAT NORMAL?! Like I've started to notice that I have pimples sometimes on my chest, butt or my upper back. Never would have noticed those until I now, when I think that everything is H. Not to say that yours isn't H, but bumps "coming and going" within a few days could be normal and now you're just hyper aware :)

Hello and welcome. It is a great community, and you've come to the right place. @2legit2quit has been so helpful I don't have experience in this area, but I do date an H- guy that reacted the same way yours did in the beginning - he was educated, willing to take the risk, and we use condoms and I am on suppressive Valtrex. So I'm going to try to advise you as I would want to advise myself if this happens to me... I'm glad to hear that you're moving away from feeling guilty about this to feeling sad. You're completely and understandably allowed to feel sad and to grieve. But remember that *you did nothing wrong*. We take the responsibility to protect our partners, to make sure they're educated, and to be open and honest when we have symptoms so that we are doing all that we can to protect them. But there are clearly some things that are just out of our control. I do not think that you should feel guilty for this, though that is very easy for me to say. "Guilt," by definition, is "responsibility for having done something wrong." You did nothing wrong. In fact, you did everything right, and more than some women would do in your shoes! Have you ever seen the Amy Schumer sketch, "sorry?" Women especially are bred to apologize, to take the burden of responsiblity on our shoulders. Someone bumps into us on the subway? Our first reaction is "sorry!" even though we didn't do anything. This is obviously different, but it's our first reaction to make this our fault some how. It is not your "fault." http://videos.nymag.com/video/Inside-Amy-Schumer-I-m-Sorry I'm so sorry that he is pulling away right now, but he needs time to come to grips with this. It's so hard to see now, because when I have an OB or feel something strange down there it's like "ugh that's annoying." But when I was first diagnosed, and I felt something, it was this huge monumentous reminder of my actions and my decisions. I think you're right - he is dealing with the idea of this being "lifelong." Most people don't have to face their own mortality, and if they do, it's not until something rocks our boats and makes us wake up and realize that decisions that we make can have more ripple effects than just a hangover the next day. He's having to deal with this idea of "lifelong," and to be honest it might be throwing into question his relationship with you. I think you're right - if it was deeper into the relationship, and it was more committed and he knew that he wanted to be with you for a long time, then this would be a speed bump. That's not to say that he's questioning whether he likes you - he might be feeling like he has to make a decision now, or he's actually finally dealing with the thought of "lifelong." We are all here for you!

Thanks @2legit2quit I do love my epsom salt baths. I'm just kicking myself because I didn't (and haven't) had any symptoms for over a month now, and I just wanted to feel a little clean during my period. There was no reason for the TTO ughhhh. The good news is, I'VE DISCOVERED NOT EVERYTHING IS HERPES. Yes I know that I am a little weakened down there so the virus might rear up (and ouch it hurts so ain't nothing sexy happening), but since this has happened twice, with the same ingredient, it's finally coming together that I can know the difference. I know you're a big proponent of journaling, which I haven't done, but this is the proof of why tracking and remembering causes of things is so helpful!!

Hello Ladies and Gents... I just wanted to pass along some advice that I'm now giving myself on the use of Tea Tree Oil and general cleansing "down there". We all know this is recommended to "dry up" sores (and is used for so many other things, including acne). I had noticed once that when I used a diluted spray TTO that I got really red and irritated immediately after using it (both sides of my clitorus), but I thought that might be an outbreak that was timed to using the TTO - after all, I was using the spray because I had felt a little itch! HOWEVER, I wanted to get "clean" today, so I used a bar soap from Trader Joe's containing Tea Tea Oil on my lady bits. TERRIBLE IDEA. The exact same burning, redness in the exact same locations, literally minutes after I had already checked myself and nothing was going on there. So I now know it's not an OB but rather a reaction to the TTO (possibly an allergy or even a mild chemical burn). I'm now learning that you're not supposed to use *any* kind of soap down there (I just have been using a body wash), but especially TTO. I'm nearly 30 so I should know how to wash myself, but you learn something every day, right? Just so you know, you should be using just warm water on your vulva, and can use a very mild soap on your outer labia (the place where hair grows). Soap can not only be irritating, but can throw off your pH and cause yeast infections and the like!

@officer195 I've not had blisters on skin, so I don't have too much experience with blisters/scabs, but @adrial has said before: "To answer your question specifically, generally I like to wait about a week after the scabs have fallen off before having sex again. In other words, once everything feels back to normal down there, I wait a week after that just to be very safe and protect my partner. " (full thread is here: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1705/another-herpes-outbreak-and-scared-how-long-to-wait-to-have-sex-again) But, reading your post, it sounds like they're still pink "dots" which means the healing process is still happening. To help you understand the progression of an outbreak and the location of the virus, I think this chart is super helpful. As you can see, the most virus particles are before/during the blister stage, but then there's still some there during healing. If you're experiencing any tenderness (and don't feel "normal" as adrial said), then there's a chance the little buggers are still there. http://www.oaaction.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/the-herpes-virus-hsv1-hsv2.jpg