When to disclose??

[Jenn88]

So I’m on a dating app and I was talking to this guy and we got into how many ppl

he had met and he said 2. When I asked what happened he said one of them had disclosed she had herpes. He said they talked to weeks and she waited u til they met to tel him. He said he was bothered she hadn’t mentioned it sooner knowing that could be a deal breaker. He then proceeded to say he never had an STD and doesn’t want one. Ok yea.... no one does but things happen. So that just put a damper on me wanting to get to date. Like is this what I look forward to?  I’m questioning if I should even be on a dating app?? I’m just feeling worthless. And even if I met someone how would I k ow when the right time is to disclose? First date? Second? Third? I just don’t know. 

[mr_hopp]

When you feel you can trust him with your vulnerability. 

[100918]

I am HSV2+ and I met my SO on a dating app. We talked for about 2 weeks before we met. I told him on our first date. I wanted him to meet me in person before I decided if I thought he had potential and was worth telling, even though based on our phone conversations, I pretty much already knew he was worth it. I was terrified, but he immediately accepted me, told me that it was nothing, and we have been together for almost a year and a half now. 



 

[Little_Curly]

On 6/6/2020 at 9:18 PM, Jenn88 said:

So I’m on a dating app and I was talking to this guy and we got into how many ppl

he had met and he said 2. When I asked what happened he said one of them had disclosed she had herpes. He said they talked to weeks and she waited u til they met to tel him. He said he was bothered she hadn’t mentioned it sooner knowing that could be a deal breaker. He then proceeded to say he never had an STD and doesn’t want one. Ok yea.... no one does but things happen. So that just put a damper on me wanting to get to date. Like is this what I look forward to?  I’m questioning if I should even be on a dating app?? I’m just feeling worthless. And even if I met someone how would I k ow when the right time is to disclose? First date? Second? Third? I just don’t know. 

I have never used the same approach for any guy I been interested in. Some ways I have done it is:

- I told them right on the dating app, before ever meeting 

- I told on first date

- I told on 3rd date

- I told via video chat before they came from out of town for our first 'date'

- I have told after sleeping with them (not a proud moment, but we learn from our mistakes)

Every person is different, and you will feel different with every person. It's just a matter of seeing how it feels and when it feels right for you. (I will just reiterate that I recommend to disclose before things get hot and heavy. A kiss can lead to making out, making out can lead to hands all over the body and telling a someone you have herpes when they just unclasped your bra does not feel nice.) If the person likes you, and is worth it, they will be okay with your status... If they aren't okay with it, then they weren't worth your time anyways! 

Its hard to feel okay with this, and there are ebbs and flows for sure on this journey! Just remember, you are awesome. 

 

"Somewhere someone is looking for exactly what you have to offer."

[greydaysandbrighternights]

On 6/9/2020 at 3:11 AM, 100918 said:

I am HSV2+ and I met my SO on a dating app. We talked for about 2 weeks before we met. I told him on our first date. I wanted him to meet me in person before I decided if I thought he had potential and was worth telling, even though based on our phone conversations, I pretty much already knew he was worth it. I was terrified, but he immediately accepted me, told me that it was nothing, and we have been together for almost a year and a half now. 



 

That’s so good to know. I’ve had HSV2 for nearly 2 years and have battled awful depression because of it. I was finally coming to accept it as part of me and find some peace but now, out of the blue, I’ve met someone really wonderful. Due to Coronavirus,we’ve spent months getting to know each other but it also means that I  haven’t had the opportunity to decide when and if I should disclose. ( I say if because we may well not even get on in person). But the longer this goes on, the more I feel as though I’m lying to him. But this is a huge deal for me. It’ll be my disclosure and involved in my own mental battle here. I’ve Just started suppressive anti virals but despite the transmission percentages, risk still exists and  I just don’t know if I can do that to him even if by some miracle he does accept me. And so into that dark depression I go once more. I’m bloody terrified. 
but it is good to know that it works out for some people. 

[greydaysandbrighternights]

7 minutes ago, greydaysandbrighternights said:

That’s so good to know. I’ve had HSV2 for nearly 2 years and have battled awful depression because of it. I was finally coming to accept it as part of me and find some peace but now, out of the blue, I’ve met someone really wonderful. Due to Coronavirus,we’ve spent months getting to know each other but it also means that I  haven’t had the opportunity to decide when and if I should disclose. ( I say if because we may well not even get on in person). But the longer this goes on, the more I feel as though I’m lying to him. But this is a huge deal for me. It’ll be my disclosure and involved in my own mental battle here. I’ve Just started suppressive anti virals but despite the transmission percentages, risk still exists and  I just don’t know if I can do that to him even if by some miracle he does accept me. And so into that dark depression I go once more. I’m bloody terrified. 
but it is good to know that it works out for some people. 

That should have read first disclosure. 

[Little_Curly]

If it is eating away at you, maybe write a list of pros and cons of what can happen if you decide to disclose while still only talking on the phone. 
 

i know that feeling of sick feeling about keeping it from someone and that is not fun and not healthy. Please note, not disclosing is not lying, unless they specifically ask that bullshit question or ‘are you clean’ or any other version of that, and you say ‘yes’.. then that’s kind of telling a lie. But you still don’t need to tell them at that moment. It’s not their information to drag out of you. You tell them when you are comfortable. The longer you wait,  in my experience, the harder is it. 
Take this reply with a grain of salt.. I know it’s all easier said than done. 
 

Touching on the Risk part of it, that will be something you and your partner would have to deal with together in terms of communication. But you also should work on that guilt.  I’ve been there too, mixed with shame.
We aren’t monsters out to plague the world. We are beautiful, fun, courageous people who are going to live a normal life, despite this hand that’s been drawn. 
Take the pill, wear condoms, communicate If you’re feeling symptoms and if he gets it, yes you’ll feel bad, but he decided you were worth the risk. 

[LoveTheMountains]

Hi there,  so I usually disclose somewhere from date 2 to 3 depending on how its going, how I feel about the person (date 4 if I'm really needing to figure out what I think of this person).  It is important to me to see if I feel I can trust the person enough to disclose but also do I even like them?? Its not just about them accepting me, its whether I like them enough to want to spend the time/energy having the talk.  I've never had a person get upset that I didn't tell them in advance of meeting (not that it can't happen).  I think many/most reasonable people understand why a person would wait a little bit before disclosing.  With that said I also don't want to waste anyone's time if it might be a deal breaker so I do believe in doing it sooner rather than later. I did have one situation where I met someone who was on vacation in my town and we had a whirlwind weeklong romance (dating, site seeing, not sexual) and really connected and I was always under the impression it would not be more and I'd never see him again.  Then he left and asked to keep in touch and we had a 2 month separation due to his job before we could physically see each other again.  That one was hard to decide how to disclose, for me it was way too soon to disclose as I barely met him, however we became very close during the long distance part so I was riddled with internal guilt for waiting until we saw each other again (more guilt compounded by the fact that he was flying me out to his state to see him). But I knew I wanted this to be an in person conversation and I mentally prepared myself for him to be angry for "investing" the emotional time getting to know me. I also was prepared to pay him for the flight he purchased in case it went really bad.  It all went amazing and he ended up telling me he felt like it was a "near miss"; that it scared him to think that I might have just backed out of the whole thing and ended the relationship instead of risking flying out to see him and have the conversation.

[greydaysandbrighternights]

On 7/19/2020 at 10:01 PM, LoveTheMountains said:

Hi there,  so I usually disclose somewhere from date 2 to 3 depending on how its going, how I feel about the person (date 4 if I'm really needing to figure out what I think of this person).  It is important to me to see if I feel I can trust the person enough to disclose but also do I even like them?? Its not just about them accepting me, its whether I like them enough to want to spend the time/energy having the talk.  I've never had a person get upset that I didn't tell them in advance of meeting (not that it can't happen).  I think many/most reasonable people understand why a person would wait a little bit before disclosing.  With that said I also don't want to waste anyone's time if it might be a deal breaker so I do believe in doing it sooner rather than later. I did have one situation where I met someone who was on vacation in my town and we had a whirlwind weeklong romance (dating, site seeing, not sexual) and really connected and I was always under the impression it would not be more and I'd never see him again.  Then he left and asked to keep in touch and we had a 2 month separation due to his job before we could physically see each other again.  That one was hard to decide how to disclose, for me it was way too soon to disclose as I barely met him, however we became very close during the long distance part so I was riddled with internal guilt for waiting until we saw each other again (more guilt compounded by the fact that he was flying me out to his state to see him). But I knew I wanted this to be an in person conversation and I mentally prepared myself for him to be angry for "investing" the emotional time getting to know me. I also was prepared to pay him for the flight he purchased in case it went really bad.  It all went amazing and he ended up telling me he felt like it was a "near miss"; that it scared him to think that I might have just backed out of the whole thing and ended the relationship instead of risking flying out to see him and have the conversation

On 7/19/2020 at 10:01 PM, LoveTheMountains said:

Hi there,  so I usually disclose somewhere from date 2 to 3 depending on how its going, how I feel about the person (date 4 if I'm really needing to figure out what I think of this person).  It is important to me to see if I feel I can trust the person enough to disclose but also do I even like them?? Its not just about them accepting me, its whether I like them enough to want to spend the time/energy having the talk.  I've never had a person get upset that I didn't tell them in advance of meeting (not that it can't happen).  I think many/most reasonable people understand why a person would wait a little bit before disclosing.  With that said I also don't want to waste anyone's time if it might be a deal breaker so I do believe in doing it sooner rather than later. I did have one situation where I met someone who was on vacation in my town and we had a whirlwind weeklong romance (dating, site seeing, not sexual) and really connected and I was always under the impression it would not be more and I'd never see him again.  Then he left and asked to keep in touch and we had a 2 month separation due to his job before we could physically see each other again.  That one was hard to decide how to disclose, for me it was way too soon to disclose as I barely met him, however we became very close during the long distance part so I was riddled with internal guilt for waiting until we saw each other again (more guilt compounded by the fact that he was flying me out to his state to see him). But I knew I wanted this to be an in person conversation and I mentally prepared myself for him to be angry for "investing" the emotional time getting to know me. I also was prepared to pay him for the flight he purchased in case it went really bad.  It all went amazing and he ended up telling me he felt like it was a "near miss"; that it scared him to think that I might have just backed out of the whole thing and ended the relationship instead of risking flying out to see him and have the conversation.

Thank you