I don't know if they have herpes, but I know I DO!!

[thiscantbelife]

I was diagnosed almost a month ago, and I am doing a little better with accepting that I have herpes...what other choice do I have...LOL!! However, I still have my moments where I wish I could travel back in time to when I didn't have herpes and make a few different choices. However, I can't...so life moves on! Today as I am preparing for work I started to think about people I know that engage in risky behaviors and how it's not fair that I have herpes.

 

I have an old college friend that is in an open relationship that has sex with many different partners...I don't know if they have herpes...but I know I do!

 

I know people that have had several affairs...I don't know if they have herpes...but I know I do!

 

I know people that have had many one night stands...I don't know if they have herpes...but I know I do!

 

I can go on and on!! I am just having a moment. I hope that I have gotten that off my chest I can move on!

 

Some days are much better than others...I am REALLY trying to do better, but I have my moments!!!

 

I guess I am still dealing with the fact that "this was not supposed to happen to ME!!!" :(

[WCSDancer2010]

Perhaps this is a great time for you to talk to those people - to make sure they are properly informed about the risks they are taking. You may find that it is healing to talk to others, because you will find that some have it, but may not understand the ramifications of their behaviors on others (ie, they are not bothered by it if they have it but they don't know how devastating it can be for someone when they get diagnosed). Others may have no clue (VERY likely) that their STD testing likely doesn't include Herpes. Others will not know that HSV 1 (Oral) can be transferred to the genitals. Etc Etc.

 

Everything happens for a reason. All you have to do now is figure out YOUR reason :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[mr_hopp]

Hey TCBL!

 

I hear ya. This is such a normal part of the process. Have you read up on the stages of healing? (See links below.) Sounds like you're vacillating through denial/anger/bargaining. And again, this is something that everyone goes through across the board. And not just with herpes, but with any grief-related experience in life. Sometimes it helps to just know that you aren't crazy for feeling what you're feeling right now. And you're not alone in feeling what you're feeling. I've gone through ALL of that through my process. It's all part of your own healing process. And everyone's process is different while also having a lot of similarities, too. Allow yourself to feel all of these feelings. The KEY is to treat yourself with love and respect throughout. For example, if you feel angry, be angry. Beat pillows if you want to. Get a foam noodle and smack the shit out of your bed. Get it out! That is a healthy way to process anger! But don't take your anger out on yourself or others. Don't hurt yourself, either physically or mentally. Continue to take care of yourSELF through this process of healing while also experiencing whatever is coming up fully. Don't wallow in it, just allow it to come and go and be aware of it for what it is.

 

Here are some articles that might help you out. Know that we continue to be here for you. Know that you are certainly not alone. Know that everything you're feeling is normal. How perfectly human of you! ;)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-healing-process-the-5-stages/

http://herpeslife.com/the-herpes-self-acceptance-process/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-help-one-magic-phrase/

http://herpeslife.com/4-things-you-can-say-to-yourself-right-now-to-begin-to-heal-your-negative-association-with-herpes/

[joyus89]

I hear you. I kind of wish that I never would have found out. I was asymptomatic for a while. There are lots of people who have it and never know. There's this weird stigma too, that people with herpes are dirty and gross. I used to feel this way. I though people that got herpes had to be really promiscuous to get it and I wasn't like "them."

 

There are also people who like more open kinds of sexual experiences; people that have multiple partners. There's nothing wrong with those kind of experiences either or people. Some people aren't wired to be in a monogamous relationship or because of their age want to experience sex with different people. I suppose it would require people to be honest with all their partners to be responsible. Even more casual experiences can be intimate which requires honesty and trust. Adrial mentioned to me the option of suppressive therapy to decrease risk. It might be an option for you since it decreases the risk a lot even without the use of condoms.

 

I'm not saying people shouldn't use condoms, but I understand the desire to want to be latex free, even with less permanent relationships. Also, the idea of having to be restricted to a long term monogamous relationship is oppressive for some people. I'm still new to this whole thing too and am hoping it's not the big deal some people make of it.

[Equanimous]

Hey TCBL,

 

I feel you! Herpes is not supposed to happen to anyone! But...shit happens...to almost everyone (in one form or the other)....

 

The thing that separates ailments such as herpes though is that you cannot conquer the virus. It remains..I was telling a friend recently about how herpes is like the Himalayas...immovable and looming..

 

But we have two options, we can either climb and conquer the motherfucker...or we can admit defeat and never try. In both the mountain still remains. But in one we have mastery over it while in the other it looms over us..casting a long shadow over the rest of our lives.

 

And in a way, herpes presents us with a unique opportunity. We have been dropped right in front of that mountain and it does look threatening. But all we need to do is start climbing. Small steps everyday. And the thing about mountains is that they begin to feel smaller the moment we start climbing. Soon.. as our legs get used to it, we'll see that its not a big deal. Herpes is a piece of cake!

 

So don't give up! We are at our noblest when we strive. And by the end..we'd all be grateful that we got an opportunity to climb. I mean.. imagine the view from the top and those solid calf muscles (from all the climbing) that are to die for. You'd be so much more stronger to face anything that life throws at you... positive, courageous and happy.. a fortress of love and happiness.

 

Granted there will be meh days when we fall into the... why me? or God! I wish I were a Physicist so that I could invent a time machine and go back to before it happened....(most of mine revolve around some version of "I am never having sex again!") and granted, there is even a certain pleasure to be had from self-pity...shaking your fists at the implacable gods of destiny. But in the end, self-pity is futile and counter productive.

 

No one can change the fact that we have H-man to give us company for the rest of our lives. And what we need to do is accept him and let him be a friend instead of shunning him. Using him as a spotting partner to climb all the other mountains from our past that we have run from and those that we are yet to face in the future.

 

Anyways...I am making myself puke with all the analogies..But here are a few things that have helped me the last couple of weeks since I found out.

 

1) Use herpes as a rallying cry: Each time I am faced with a high pressure situation I tell myself, "You have herpes and you are going to conquer it". By acknowledging that I don't bow down before bigger problems I make smaller day to day things look trivial.

 

2) Recognize signs of self-pity, loathing, or any negativity: Negativity breeds negativity. Each time I catch myself having a negative thought, I acknowledge its presence and then make a concerted effort not to react and to let it pass without multiplying... Keep your focus on climbing and not on running away! (I meditate regularly..and it helps a lot with observing myself more calmly).

 

3)Imagining where I want to be: Create a picture of how you want to feel about you with herpes. This is the view from the top of the mountain. Are you confident? Honest? Open? Stronger? etc.. Its focused on the positives and how I deal with the negatives. I have set myself a goal: Soon I want to be able to stand in front of a large audience and narrate my story of how I struggled with herpes and conquered it. beat it to pulp. Not sure if any of you follow the Moth (its a storytelling organization), where people tell stories from their lives..

 

4) (Forgot about this one) Joke about herpes: When I tell friends, I try and throw in a few jokes about herpes. I poke fun at H-man and it makes him seem more likable and approachable. It also keeps me from going down the self-pity path when I talk about it. A bit of levity goes a long way!

 

Anyhow.... Not sure if this made much sense. But this post is getting way too long and I have to stop!

 

Stay strong and keep climbing!

 

Cheers!

 

[hope75]

Equanimous

I love your analogies. You are so positive, I need a small version of you to carry around in my pocket for when my self destructive gremlin takes over my mind !

[SheWillBLoved]

ikr hope!!! lol :x