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Can't get over his lie. Said he was clean, then gave me HSV-2


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Hi all, my first post here. Maybe I should share my story but im on my phone so i will try to write it in short (and please excuse me for bad English its not my mother tounge). I want to start with that i was virgin until 20years of age and had 2 boyfriends i had sex with. One also virgin, second std free the second i thought was the one but he had issues so when it ended i was heartbroken a year before i entered the dating arena again and unlucky met my hsv-2 giver which i dated a year ago and on the last date I asked if he was tested/clean - he replied calming "YES EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT :)" kind of... and i wanted to trust him + i didn't know by that time condom won't help, that 1/3 adults in my country has hsv and that they don't must tell new sexpartners about it according to std law.

 

So we had sex with condom like 15 minutes. Other dates he thanked for but not this last one... so i called 4 days later asking what's up with this and in short i realised he was just a player. I moved on and got contact with a guy in my class at university but just as it stared go really great with him (about 2-3 weeks after sex with last guy) I STARTED HAVE THIS HUGE PAIN DOWN THERE. Peeing was almost unbearable torturing and i felt likened had flue. Just that time i had to go on trips with class and the new guy for 4 days IN THE MIDDLE OF MY FIRST OUTBREAK I was diagnosed for just before trip

I got acyclovir and during whole "vacation" i had to be tough and ride through the storm, eating 5pills a day, sleep in same room as my new love interest and 2 others...it wasn't easy. My first ob was extreme, inside of my labias were covered with ulcers and seriously if all obs would be like that id comsuicide long time ago...

 

I called my giver up and he confessed he didn't told me about His hsv-2 because he hadn't had an outbreak for 10 years... he also tried to tell me i might have contracted it from somebody else but i was and still am damn sure it was him. I recorded phobecall where he claimed he lied and gave the police but they said they couldn't prove anything and since that std isn't under a law where you must disclose like HIV he couldn't be punished.

 

I was devastated but tried to live on... dating guy in class whole semester and finally diacolsed to him. He seemed to take it well first but then said he had to think and got quiet a couple of weeks to finally break it of... it was the ultimate dismissal and i went in depression, not dating anyone a half year. I even then called my giver and telling him how much he destroyed and that i get outbreaks 1-2 times a month and that i think if he couldn't be honest back then he should take responsibility now and pay my medicine and healthcare + psychiatrician at least but he replied "I dont think i am a bad person i sleep good at night, next girl i dated after you u disclosed to and she slept with me with and without condom. Herpes is not a disaster a flight crash with hockey players was and ny lenses cost more the medicine. Shit happens" - totally random. Btw he is a CEO with money, I student and i also must buy contact lenses... i felt like i wanted to kill him. Especially when he kept hunting my dreams where i chopped if his trout with a knife for his lie/douche behavior but i tried to focus on my life and how to get better instead. I've been thinking about revenge but dont wanna end up in jail myself.

 

I tried everything: lysine, propolis, royal gelly, garlicpills, zinc, all sorts of vitamins, tea tree oil and veggies but nothing worked. Still got outbreaks every month at same spot next to my "hole". I know it may be due to lack of sleep + study stress sometimes but it goes along with being a student.

 

I have dated some guys last weeks but it was just enotional roller coaster and energy draining so i realise i should stop it until maybe the really right one come along...

 

I am so sick and tired of genital herpes. I feel I've read everything about it many times yet here i am and can't accept its a part of me, i don't want it to be and now my anger have gone from the giver to the research donator givers/government who i know don't want to find a cure, rather making money on medicine. I can understand that cause it brings economic income plus the ones who decided that are probably rich powerful men and men got like 1/10 of the problems women get from herpes. I mean men can see the bumps, women have to take mirror. Men wear lose pants we women often tight cause panties pants and stockings are supposed to be tight on us. And we got period which is even more worse when we get outbreak during it cause we have to wear what's it called... leak protection on our panties which scratch against the herpes wounds -aouch. And ye there is tampoons but im to sensitive to wear them... the men got testosterone which promotes healing whlie women got eostrogene which is not good for healing (that's why for example wisdom teeth shouldn't be extracted during ouvulation when eostrogene levels are highest = bigger risk of dry socket syndrome). Then men got more serotonine in brains making it more hard to cry or get stressed/depressed which women tend to, plus men don't have to think about giving birth trough ceasean suction to eliminate risk of passing herpes on to baby, and the facts can go on and on...

 

Finally im angry that in highschool books /teachers in sex classes didn't informed condoms ain't protection against all stds or that herpes was pretty common so i feel angry at them too not giving proper information. Instead it feels like they want people to get herpes so we pay medicine and other stuff around it.

 

My longest dream was to become oldest women in world cause i got good genes (no cancer in my father and mother relatives for instance) but now with this disease since im 22 i feel it won't happen cause diseases can mutate dna + make it show in face as assymmetry when one is sick... and body is always fighting to surpass herpes from replicate. If we got a cold its like two viruses to fight against not just one. And as old people we will have worse immune system as youngsters so you can calculate what im saying...

 

Anyway, in spite of the above I dont want to disclose again but then I am afraid of rumours! A friend to me who btw have slept protected with over 50 guys but only got chlamydia twice no herpes told me her friend was called like "herpes -sara" when rumor spread. And ironically she would have probably contracted hsv from my giver cause they met before me and changed number but he didn't called her...

 

Seriously i wouldn't sleep with anyone with this disease so i understand people who dismiss after disclosure. But at least i would like that a guy cared about me enough to tell. So if its true that my giver told his next girl about it then contracts to her but i still am angry i didn't get that opportunity especially when i asked.if he was tested/had any std before we had sex.

 

Lastly i just have to say I've been through many bad stuff this year like my stepfather cheating at mother who when i told her about hsv didn't gaver me a hug just yelled i exaggerating and.should stop crying + not tell anyone - well easier said then done!

 

Ok Sorry this post got long. I just hope to get some compassion and perhaps tips i haven't tried yet of how to minimize frequency of outbreaks and deal with anger i feel against especially that there.won't be a.cure in our lifetime. I know forgiveness is important so I've worked with that and don't feel as angy on my giver anymore. Rather sad... just sad easier said the done! to not being able.to.just go with it and have sex early some.time. Now always have to disclose or live like a nun. Sorry for all the misspellings, this is like a long sms and i can't barely see what im writing.

 

I.appriciate any answers .

/sad woman

Love and light to you all.

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  • 1 month later...

Hi sad_woman,

 

There's a lot here. I understand why you would want revenge. I'm sorry that this guy lied about something so important. I'm sorry that he didn't respect you and your health. I'm sorry he did you wrong. No integrity. Anytime someone lies to us and we are affected by that lie by getting a lifelong STD, anger and vengeful thoughts make sense. I was cheated on by my girlfriend years ago who then gave me herpes. I know the feeling. And there is a certain amount of anger that is healthy. Once anger turns to hate, it becomes unhealthy for us, not the person being hated. Being angry with someone else for what they did to us is like ingesting poison and expecting the other person to die. It just doesn't work over the longterm.

 

So how to get over it without killing someone? Forgiveness. Forgive yourself, forgive him. For your own good. The more you fantasize about hurting him, how much you hate him, how horrible he is, how horrible your life is going to be because of him, etc., the more suffering you put yourself through. Ultimately, what's done is done. And that is not to minimize what this guy has done. This is not to say that what he did is okay in any way. And now that you have herpes, you can't change that part. It is now a part of you. It doesn't define you, however, unless you let it. The sooner you can learn to love yourself with herpes and be happy, the sooner you will move on.

 

Much love, sad_woman. You deserve to take care of yourself and forgive. All that energy that is going into anger and hatred can be refocused into your healing and inspiration in life. That's the biggest revenge you can possibly take on him. To move on and be happy.

 

Here's a helpful post that you can read up on:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-help-one-magic-phrase/

Notes:

  • My mother is now in hospice with end-stage cancer, so I am at her house a lot these days helping where I can until she passes. Thank you in advance for understanding if I am not as quick to respond as I normally would be. This is a precious and bittersweet time …
  • This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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Hi Sad Woman...and I can see you are really sad....actually mad. And yes its understandable to be mad, so mad you want revenge. But The Hopp is right...your biggest revenge is living well and choosing happiness. And what will happen then is that your H episodes will go away too...anger and revenge fuels adrenalin and if that keeps floating about in your body you can't heal.

 

Forgiveness is your only option if you want to be happy. And you can choose it by focussing you yourself and healing rather than hanging on to being angry at him. You won't be a nun, unless you choose to be. And disclosing is a gift to give someone, the gift of honesty, real love and the gift of your best self (what they do with it is about their ability (or lack of) to give those things too. So use this as an opportunity to give of you best self - H really just makes you have to find what that is and practice it...what you get back is true connection with yourself and others - what we all want and the best feeling in the world.

 

You have the added challenge of your mother not being there for you and it's isolating when those close to you who you go to for support cannot be there for you. I'm sorry you didn't' get that. I'm a mother and I put my kids first in everything if they need me...it must be hard not to get the same from your mother. I am sending you a big mama hug...I do understand.

 

Forgiving doesn't happen straight away, its a process. You have to consciously work on letting go of the anger, replacing those thoughts with forgiving ones - even if you have to tell yourself over and over again... affirmations are good to use for this. You won't believe them but stick with it and they definitely help and eventually your brain believes them. Google affirmations on forgiveness and pick one or two to try.

 

I'm glad you were able to let it all out on here...we all have compassion for how you are feeling...we have been there. x

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  • 1 year later...

Herpes is a pain in the early months but consider the fact that herpes is very common and most people that have it that are single will not admit to it unless asked directly. I got it in the eighties and the joke going around then was that it was one of the three biggest lies of the eighties. People would always ask before a date if you had herpes.The person who had would take that to mean "do I have any open sores?". The power of great sex makes people even lie to themselves.

 

Herpes is very contagious but the meds avail now are much better then when I got it. And when I got it I was pissed I wanted to call every fricking female out there a number of very unattractive words, One thing to remember though is that nobody wants herpes or tries to get it. Another thing you could also count on whoever gave it to you felt exactly the same way as you do now . And trust me its not the lying(Lying is part of the whole dating game anyway) that is the issue its the fact you got it. Time heals all though. After about three years the outbreaks stopped happening and it only came out under extreme stress. At the end of the day there are many worse things than herpes such as mental illness, cancer, financial ruin, violent crime, etc. Hopefully you will be spared those evils. There are a lot of good men out there who have herpes and would find it a relief to meet a gal who had the same issue so it becomes no issue at all.

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Sad woman.

Everyeone here can relate and understand frustration and anger. i got HSV 2 from my ex.I was recently diagnosed in November this year. He knew for years he had HSV1 and HSV 2 and has never told a single woman he knew he had it before becoming intimate with them. I didnt see where you said you were from but in my stae, Louisiana and 36 other states it is a crime. The law here is that if someone has a communicable disease that is spread through sexual contact, they must tell potiential partners before hand. It does not matter whether the person they expose becomes infected or not, its a crime. A person only has to prove that other person had prior knowlesge of their disease(s):

there are not enough words to describe my anger but even with all the new twists in my story that fuels my anger, i realize this, It wont change what he has done but holding accountable is what i can do. This is what i am doing. He and i are going to civil court. He is and will be paying any and all medical care relating to this and any other medical issues that could be incurred from this. Along with counseling. This will go on for the rest of my natural life. If he dies before me, his estate will continue care. Negotiations are still on going.he has already started paying me back for exspenses so far.

I know many here disagree with the court thing and that ok. If your curious what the law is where yyou from, research it. Many are not aware. My ob/gyn who is addiment I have it didn't know about Louisiana law.

Im Not pursuing court for revenge. For me, its about responsibility and accountability. Any one can get this at any time, its doesn't discriminate. I happen to know it was him and that he knew he has been having it. He took my right of choice away. It has permanently altered my life. If by taking him to court, I can stop him from putting at one woman at risk without her knowledge, then besides providing for my care, I have accomplished some positive out of it.

Spreading it to people knowingly is worse than not knowing someone has hsv. If he didn't know he had it would be different story.

Although i feel he is mainly responsible, there is a level of resonsibilty from me. I should have made him show me test results and/or get tested and show me. I didn't. Why? Because he is 26yr member of a police force and 20yrs Air Force. As an Air Force veteran myself, i believed tha t because he wears those uniforms that he lived by the loyal, intergrity, and honor that both organizations push and instill in a person. It is a mistake iI will never make again.

Counseling will help you and this site will help you as well. I agree with Adrial, at some point forgiveness has to come into play in someway. I will say this, i will never be able to forgive him for what he did or myself but moving forward is the key. For me;, forgiveness on this matter will be just as my counsel said, Forgiveness is giving up on the hope that the past can be anything different. My lifes' journey has a new direction to take. Where it goes, how I get there? Well that's mystery to solve.

There is a song that I listen a lot lately when find all the crazy, emotions of frustration, anger, and sadness starts to over come me. Its called "So Small" by Carrie Underwood. My favorite line in the song is " Sometimes that mountian you.ve been climbing is just a grain of sand." Dealing/coping with this at times seems like climbing a never ending a mountian, like a moutnian range sometimes. But I know that some point in time, it will be that grain of sand.

I hope i have something that helpful for you. We are all on the same journey which brings comfort in that you, me, we are not alone. Everyone is at different levels in their journey which makes giving support more enriched.

 

 

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I wanted to add this thought. To him, this was like a game. His reasons for not telling before was "he was scared. Didn't think I would love him, didn't think I would stay with him" and then the recent twist in mu story with him, his reason is "if I ended up with it, I would have to be with him because no one would want me and also too if he can't have me, no one else can"

so ifI taje his logic or game,about this, the way I see it. I have. Ways to play this. 1. Sit back, spend the rest of my life in denial, disbelief, anger,and some form of depression about it or 2. I show him (for myself) that try as he might to destroy me, my self-worth is more than he could ever be and/or destroy. I can show him isthat despite him, I will do, experience, and see more than he ever will. The right person for will come into my life when its the right time.

So from his "game" point of view, if I chose ,choice 1, he wins. But choice 2, I WIN!!!! I will be dammifif he wins!!!

 

the truth is if he would have given me the chance to make an informed decision, and not knowing now that he is liar and a life long cheater, I might have choose to stay with him.

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I know of many other undesirable things that can happen with bad choices. A year ago a friend of my daughter at seventeen accidently ran over and killed an 8 year old girl who didn't wait for a stop light to cross the street. The driver should have been more cautious but so should the young girl. Now both families are forever scared by the tragedy. Of course it goes to court and the insurance companies lawyers eagerly battle over money but it doesn't change the past.

 

Speaking of songs that remind me of this situation

 

The Eagles "get over it"

referring to feeling better by getting money for pain and suffering in a car accident. They also said we should do what Shakespeare said and "kill all the lawyers kill em tonight"

 

and Jimmy Buffet

Permanant reminder of a temporary feeling

 

In the song he used Tatoos, unplanned births, and an Elvis wedding in Las Vegas to be funny. If he used Herpes he would have probably been accused of having it himself which with his lifestyle he probably has.

 

I myself have had some very sad tragedies in the last few years including losing 2 mil in one day in the stock market which turned out to be a ponzi scheme like Madoff. Now whose fault is the Madoff deal anyway. The investors who lost should have known it was too good to be true but didn't bother to do their homework. I should of, could of, would of sold my shares the day before but I was hoping to have the stock go up a little higher.

My father died of cancer. The surgery actually did it but it was also his fault cause he waited too long for treatment and ate the wrong food most of his life. He died of infection within 24 hours of surgery to have a feeding tube put in. He had had this fatal stomach cancer for over six months before he told us about it. Too proud.

 

Then my wife tells me that if I don't buy a big 2 mil dollar house at the top of the market in 2006 she will leave me and take my two daughters with her. I buy our fourth house against my natural biz sense and get my ass kicked in the real estate crash but she blames it all on me for letting her talk me into it.

 

Accountability and responsibility is a two way street.

 

Herpes is nothing. Let it go. Go ahead and tell yourself that its not revenge {but it is}.

Jesus said He/She that has not sinned cast the first stone or I may use the expression Hell has no fury like that of a women scorned or been given Herpes.

 

Go ahead blame it on the man but you can also blame it on the woman who gave it to him.

Just like Adam blames Eve for giving him the apple

 

 

Lets face it You F**ked up you trusted him. And there isn't any pill for being gullible.

 

Understand when I say this I am also describing myself.

 

Good Luck Aimmee.

 

Sorry about the long posts but yours are long too so its your fault.

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tjones,

i can tell for sure we disagree. im sorry i dont see how comparing a death, which horribly tragic and an accident and the death of your father to cancer to this. what my ex did was cold, calculated, and malice. which is also illustrated in the 2nd part o f my story in the "twisted part wthell " post. when i had sex with him, i agreed to have sex not agreed to be maliciuos exposed to an incureable virus. In my case, I know it was him who gave it to me

BTW, I lost 500,000.00 in the market crash. I lost bith my grandmothers, my grandfather, and great aunt to cancer. my best friend who is only 36 has breast cancer. My other best friend who is 40 with a new husband, a toddler , 2 other kids, a grandson,and a granddaughter due any day just tested positive for a cancer that killed her mother 4 months ago. When i was 19 and 20 i lost my 2 good friends who were twin sisters to a drunk drivers that killed them 1 year to the day of the 1st twin at the same intersection. youmarried the wrong woman, guess whati married the wrong man in my 20's who cost me 1000's and 1000's of dollars. You clearly have some serious issues u need to work through and i hope you do. funny, I didnt read where you said you have herpes. what right do u have to tell me to get over it and minimize what i am going through. You know we disagree and thats ok. None of those tragic experiences have anything to due with this and have no bearing what my ex has done to me.

i wont get rich from any settlement he and i agree too. He is definetly liable. i am showing him mercy when he in no way shape or form deserves any. i am only 1 of many, many women to he didnt tell he had herpes before sleeping with them. im the reason the Da is holdiing off on pressing charges on him until he sees the suit even though my mom ,who is very politically connected is urging him. i just dnt see where losing his 26yr police career and 20yr military, serving prison time, paying a fine, and being put on the sex offender registary would be benificial. he does have a 12yr old son he supports. His son should not to suffer because his father is neglent, careless, and reckless in his personal life.

Like i said before, my ex is 99% responsible in this and should be resonsible for providing any and/all care relating to this. . heres my part, i should have made him show his tests results and/or retest. but i didnt i believed because he put police and military uniform that he lived by the loyality, intregity, and honor instilled by both organizations. Being a veteran myself, i understand the meaning and value of those 3 things.

I will never beleive that there is ever a good reason to not tell someone about having a communicable disease before intimacy.its immoral and in my state and 36 others its illegal. That is how i feel right,wrong, indifferent about that.

i do hope you work through the issues that plague so you can find a peaceful place in life. i know in time, i will find my peace and happiness for myself and for simple reason that he thought that deliberatley doing this to me would make me be with him and keep anyone else from wanting me. Thanks, Aimee

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got it

 

as usual I assumed a different situation before reading your whole story.

For myself I am in SF CA. STD capital of the US and got it back in 87

which curtailed my very active sex life dramatically and forced me to rethink my relationships. Got angry depressed etc. but then I was too busy competing for the Olympics and making money to worry about it too much. Most of my friends got it too and also their wives. Met the wife in 88. Wife had it too so no big deal. As far as the virus for me it started ebbing away after a couple of years and now only shows up under extreme stress for about three days and that hasn't happened for almost 4 years. If its the lying that bothers you so much then maybe this might explain a few things.

 

What is the difference between women and men? Cut and paste the link and see how uncomplicated we men are.

 

http://vivas.fi/what-is-the-difference-between-women-and-men-3/

 

 

Tesla believed that in the future women would be running an ever more complex world and I believe it.

 

 

IMOH

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Jones,

so you do have it, you had not disclosed you have It. To me, It doesn't matter if you are a man or woman, no one has the right to take another person right of choice away. It would be a different story if he truly didn't know he had.

What I don't get is even after you read my "new twist"thread, you were still a jerk about it. Just because it maybe "no big deal" to you and other people. You have to recognize to many others it IS A BIG DEAL!!! For me,it is a big deal and has alter my whole life and stripping me of having what iI believe to be a normal life forever. There are many others who feel the same way. In time, maybe my view will change and maybe it won't.

I do know that i won't let him succeed in stripping anything else from me and my life.

The attitude that herpes cant kill you, whats the big deal that my ex and others have is appaulling. There are other medical conditions that can complicate herpes virus and vice versa. there are auto immune responses from herpes that lead to cancer

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You are somebody I would not want for an enemy so I can imagine you will make him pay big time

 

But if he makes you lose your sense of humor then we all lose. There is nothing you can do to change the past no matter how hard we try.

 

and

 

If you have any of those complications you speak there could be many other factors

 

There is radiation from Japan killing the pacific ocean that will lead to thousands of new cases of cancer for those that depend on it etc. Japan is lying about it. We should sue them for that.

 

I have been lied too about herpes, boyfriends, financial stuff etc. Yes I get angry too but Herpes as far as my experience is only an issue for a couple of years and then it starts fading away.

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Tjones,

again thats your experience, you have to recognize that this effects everyone differently and are at different levels in process/steps of healing coping etc.The comment about when you are sleeping with someone, you are sleeping with everyone they have been with is down right cruel and insenitive.

although we are all entilted to our belief, opinions, i think there should more compassion for others on how they feel about herpes and where they stand in the process.

i have made no secret that to me, there is no excuse to ever not disclose to potiential partners. I have an understand the fear, devestattion, and anxiety many have over disclosing because i will have to do when i am ready to date. Its heart breaking to hear when people dont disclose first because i know what it feels like. if i want people to be understand,and learn from me , i have to be willing to do the same with them: which can lead to growth and healing.

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Remember when Jack Nicholson said in "a few good men" "you cant handle the truth!"

well that's because the truth can be very cruel and insensitive. Truth is there may be other viruses being passed around from people you slept with we don't know about.

 

Truth is we murder millions of animals everyday for food. Our Gov murders innocent people every day without a trial because somebody says they are terrorists. The very rich pay very little or no taxes. The prisons are filled with guys who commited crimes that are considered legal in other states or countries. The medical profession is filled with fraudulent kickbacks to doctors to prescribe drugs that do more damage than good, etc etc

 

Until we get personnally hurt or benefit from injustice most of us don't really give a damn enough to do more than just talk about it at the dinner table. Not trying to be negative just honest.

 

and BTW I know you don't give a crap about me since I am just some guy with an alias who has pressed some of your emotional buttons.

 

but

 

You seem like a smart lady and I have enjoyed our little chit chat. Smart women like you are very sexy in my opinion. I have two beautiful young daughters in college and I would kick the shit out of any guy who gave them herpes, But I would do it in a back alley so I didn't have to deal with the frickin lawyers and courts.

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TJones,

the buttons you pushed are you inability to have compassion and such insensivity. Bringing up all kind of things to try to compare to herpes, etc is appalling and has no bearing/ meaning etc on herpes, how people are affected, cope/deal with it. This is not some movie, but its people, the,life's and emotions.

For your punch at who slept with and what they carry or not. I'm 39yrs and have only been with 8 men. I am far from being someone who sleeps around (just like many others here). In fact, I don't believe in one stands, friends with benefits. If its not a relationship, I'm not giving it up. I have been clean and negative my whole life until Nov. Who are u to imply I'm anything else. You know this is what my ex does. This is what sociopaths do. Keep doing and saying things to push buttons and keep things.going

i am better than that to give you that power. Have a great night

 

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Who are you to call me a sociopath you self-righteous b#### er I mean hypocrit. You think you are the only one to get herpes while intoxicated. I got herpes from some C@@@ that did not want to tell me she had it even though I asked her. I was 25 then and I learned my lesson so I stopped taking those kind of risks. Another time I was drugged before a business deal so I stopped accepting drinks unless I saw where it came from and so on and so forth. I was raised a strict catholic and therefore did not believe in the idea of sex without the eventual plan of getting married etc. Once I realized the predatory nature of certain women my guard went up against them. Since this board seems to filled with primarily women raging about crappy men I thought that a mans experience in the reverse would be usefull.

If you are only want opinions that agree with yours then you should open an invitation only board and you can allow in only people that agree with you.

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Again, I refer you to what was said in this previous post. Please. I don't want this kind of energy on these forums. It doesn't help anyone. This is a support forum. Let's honor it as such.

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2076/an-unbelievable-wthell-twist-to-my-story#Item_29

Notes:

  • My mother is now in hospice with end-stage cancer, so I am at her house a lot these days helping where I can until she passes. Thank you in advance for understanding if I am not as quick to respond as I normally would be. This is a precious and bittersweet time …
  • This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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Woah now y'all.

 

This is a support community, and while it is comprised of very different and opinionated people among whom some civilized disagreement is healthy and breeds good discussion, there is no room for name-calling or ad hominem attacks. We don't do that here. Any one of us might be wrong sometimes but we should all expect respectful conversation from each other.

 

Let's refocus this thread on sad_woman's story, and lay off on the victim-blaming and woman-blaming. I think everyone here can agree that all of us who have herpes have done enough self-punishment already, and reminders that accountability and responsibility are a two-way street are both self-evident and redundant. Regardless of whether the source partner was a man or a woman, if that person knowingly exposed someone else to any communicable condition without disclosing, he OR she should be more accountable. The fact that someone intentionally did not disclose herpes is common to all three stories here (sad_woman, Aimee, and tjones) - this is a shared anger, and while the desire to blame and seek revenge can last for decades, the ultimate purpose of all of this is our shared healing.

 

It is natural and sometimes justified to blame a certain person, especially in the aforementioned cases in which there was intentional deception or sexual abuse. But it is an over-extension to indefinitely seek revenge on the entire opposite sex through our words and attitudes. @tjones, I understand you want to bring a man's perspective to a forum you perceive to be predominated by "women raging about crappy men", but with all due respect, it really is not appropriate to meet people's stories about specific men in their lives with blanket statements preferentially blaming women.

And while you'll say the link you posted above about the difference between men and women was "tongue in cheek", it also does not suffice to jokingly write a woman off as "too complicated" or "over-reacting" if she is offended by something you write.

 

A recent post about the difference between Empathy and Sympathy: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2068/empathy-versus-sympathy#Item_3

The punchline: Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with "at least". At least it's not cancer. At least you didn't marry him. At least nobody died tragically and senselessly. That all might be true, but it doesn't make anything better for the person hearing it. What does help is sharing in that person's space. Sharing similar experiences, or telling our own stories, of both the initial pain and the eventual okay-ness of it all. I believe that's what both @Aimee and @tjones started out doing in response to this post. Yes, keeping herpes in perspective is important, but there is a fine line between that and dismissing someone's current pain as insignificant.

 

Since we're on the topic of the difference between men and women, maybe we can discuss sad_woman's observations that women can sometimes have a more difficult experience dealing with herpes for societal reasons. While it's true that both women and men can have "predatory natures", it's commonly acknowledged that sexual assault of women is more common, and as in sad_woman's experience, an unequal power differential can (sometimes, of course not always) cause the woman to suffer disproportionate social consequences. Although we would all like to believe that sexism no longer exists, and although we are not here to bash one sex or the other, the fact remains that as long as there are social inequities, this issue and many others will ALSO be women's rights issues. And yes, more women (~20%) than men (~11%) have herpes for anatomical reasons - it was true in the 80's and it's true now. Men are more likely to transmit herpes to women (10% per year in a monogamous relationship with no protection or medication) than the other way around (4% per year). This is just a fact - it doesn't mean we should blame or fear the other sex for being more likely to either have or transmit herpes, respectively. It just means that men and women have to stand together to educate everyone, and support everyone going through this, instead of bickering across the line. Also, the fact that differences exist in how herpes or societal perceptions affect each sex does not in any way minimize the experience of men with herpes, or men who have been burned by women who did not disclose (so tjones, I'm not trying to discount your opinion. Because it is slightly less common for men to have herpes, and there are some social stigmas that may make it harder for men to feel comfortable sharing, there are fewer male voices on this forum. Your voice is valuable, and when civil, as valid as anyone else's. I would just like to respectfully urge to you support the storytellers over categorically defending the men in the stories.)

 

Ultimately our job right now is to relate to and care for @sad_woman. Her feelings of unfairness and anger are feelings that we can all identify with. So let's go back to that. What are your stories about finding forgiveness for yourself or for the person you contracted herpes from?

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Wscdancer2010,

ok, I said it can cause auto immune responses in some cases that can cause/lead to cancer. Yes, I know HPV can as well.

 

Herpes does NOT cause cancer or any immune response that can cause cancer - period. So it's not a matter of HPV causing cancer "as well". Just want to clarify that.... don't know where you got the idea that HSV causes cancer but I promise you that one is incorrect ;)

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sad_woman

 

Sorry your thread got hijacked. Occasionally emotions get triggered on here and things get side-tracked. We are back on track now. Please know we are here for YOU.

 

The best thing you can do right now is go back and read a lot of the posts on here. Go and read thisisgoingtobeokay (previously defeatedbuttrying)'s post here for starters

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it-#Item_21

 

go back and read some of her posts from when she joined. Like this one:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1911/bad-day-bad-day-need-inspiration-fast-before-i-lose-it-#Item_32

 

Honest, she was every bit as convinced her love and sex life were over. She is living proof that we can convince ourselves that our lives are "over" because of a particular situation when in fact, we just need to get a change of perspective. One experience and she finally "gets" everything we have said to her all along ;)

 

I promise, it WILL get better with time.

 

(((HUGS)))

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