I just need a space to vent/share

[Dragalien]

There is no need to respond to this post, I just needed some place where I could talk/vent without worrying about the people in my life hearing who don't know.

 

It has been a little over 3 months since my first outbreak and discovering I have genital HSV-1.

 

I have gotten over the depression and anxiety I fell into which caused my social life and school grades to capsize.

 

I have the most amazing boyfriend ever. Despite me testing positive and him testing negative, he still wants to be with me. Till I discovered a way to pay pay for my suppressive therapy, he was researching day and night on topics and insurance plans for me. He even talked to me about running to the courthouse and getting married so I could be on his insurance plan to pay for it. He bugs me constantly, wanting to chip in for my medication. I can't believe at times how lucky I am.

 

I still wake up occasionally and start crying. I get moments of depression during sex when we can't do something we used to because of hsv-1. I am terrified of spreading it to him.

 

But those moments are getting fewer and fewer in occurrence.

 

The only people who know about this are my boyfriend, my OB/Gyn, and my pharmacist. I do not plan on telling my family or friends anytime soon. Maybe even never.

 

I have had to pay out of pocket till I found a RX savings plan for acyclovir. I do have insurance, but am terrified of my parents finding out about the acyclovir. Both of them are seasoned RNs, and my mother has always had a habit of accusing me of being pregnant when I vomit, or of having a STI/D when used I come to her about something unusual down below. I can't imagine her reaction finding out about it.

 

I hate keeping secrets from them, but I am not ready for them to know, specially my mother.

 

 

I want to thank this forum for being here, for being a place I can talk about this to not just 3 people, and feel safe and not judged.

[mr_hopp]

Welcome, dragalien!

 

I don't know you yet, but I'd assume it has little to do with luck and a lot more to do with who you are to this man that has him wanting to be with you in the way he has been. Notice the tendency to discount it by saying it's luck; it's someone loving you for you. And that's awesome. We talk about this a lot on these forums: That once the herpes talk is given and there is acceptance, then there is no longer the burden of you having to be paranoid around every turn of passing herpes to him. In a way, that's actually keeping you from being able to truly connect to the love that is there for you. Both of you have taken on the risk together, and both of you are doing your best to keep him from getting herpes. That is one part of partnership. But no amount of paranoia will help keep him that much more safe. :) Keep it in perspective, be as careful as you need to be and allow yourself to ENJOY the rest. That's what I'm wanting for you, at least.

 

And about not wanting to tell anyone else, that's totally up to you. Some people find that it's freeing to disclose to as many people as possible, to let the "secret" out takes all the power away. While to others, it's an intensely personal thing that only the people who absolutely NEED to know actually deserve to know. It's totally up to you where you fall in that spectrum. Whatever feels most healthy to you. And it sounds like you're finding that out for yourself through this.

 

I'm glad you're here, speaking about what you need to get out. We're all here for you.

[WCSDancer2010]

Dragalien

 

Are you aware of the "Discount Rx cards" that you can get to keep your costs down for prescriptions? (Sometimes called Discount Prescription cards). I use one because I'm not insured and my costs for my acyclovir is really cheap (if you are on Valtrex you may want to switch because of the cost - Acyclovir is out of trademark whereas Valtrex isn't so it costs more.)

 

Between shopping around (call all the pharmacies in the area and ask for their cost - you'd be surprised at the difference in pricing) and cards like this one http://rxreliefcard.com/ you can save 60-70% over the regular cost. Or contact the Pharmaceutical company (go to their site) ...they often have help for people who can't afford their prescriptions...

[Lostintranslation]

I paid only $18 at winn dixie. It was the same price at cvs, walgreens and wAlmart if you have any of those Around you.

I feel the same way about telljng people. I tell my mom everything Nd when I got on the phone with her this week it killed me not to break down and let it out. I feel like I'm bottling it up but I don't want Abyone to know. It's not a death sentence, but if I'm taking it this badly And I'm the one who has to live with it how is everyone else going to take it?

Ione day maybe it won't seem like such a burden.

[WCSDancer2010]

It's not a death sentence, but if I'm taking it this badly And I'm the one who has to live with it how is everyone else going to take it?

 

It's funny how people beat themselves up over things that everyone else either doesn't notice or doesn't care about either way. I have a friend who is drop dead gorgeous who berates her looks all the time and we all want to strangle her! My mother had a stroke and had to be pushed around in a wheelchair ... she was always saying how embarrassed she was that she had to be pushed around in a wheelchair and for us, it was totally not a big deal... So just because YOU are beating yourself up doesn't mean everyone else will.

 

I came out on FB - to over 1000 people. I've had 100% support from all my friends. I've told many of my clients, and other friends. NOT ONE of my friends has been negative/ugly. The only person to cut me off is the guy I had been on a few dates with immediately prior to me coming out. Whatever. I've even come out on my dating profile ( http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2406/disclosing-on-the-regular-online-dating-sites#Item_3 ) and I'm getting plenty of interest from H- guys ;)

 

 

[victoriaxxx]

This is great.. It's not a death sentence.

 

Exactly if you put your own negativity into something, then I believe that everyone else is going to put their negativity in. I remember having a conversation about how you act if you have a positive outlook and a positive vibe then most others around you will have a positive outlook on those things..

 

I remember always talking about my weight.. Because on TV you always see these super super skinny girls, and then I realized I am healthy. I am me. I am just the way I am supposed to be.. So are you !

[Dragalien]

Sorry for the late reply, I didn't expect anyone to comment and have been busy getting back to school.

 

Adrial - Thanks again, but I can't help worrying about passing it on to him. I know he wants to be with me, but that can always change and I don't want to make it difficult for him by giving him HSV-1. As for telling people, I got pretty drunk at a party and told my younger sister while bawling my eyes out. The fact that she accepted it and is ok with it blows my mind. Other than her though, I don't really plan on telling anyone else.

 

Dancer- I do actually have one of those cards now, and it has been a lifesaver. My rx now only costs around $10 a month instead of $160. I also like the fact that I can use it for my pets and entire family too.

 

Lost - My main pharmacy is a Walgreens, and I talked to usual techs there. Because I have insurance there, the system would automatically put it to that, sending the info to my parents.

[Orngpeelmafia]

Don't spend 99% of your time worrying about a 1% risk. :) that's a saying Adrial said a while back that stuck with me. It's hard to look past what seems to be the end of the world but herpes only has as much power as you let it. There are plenty of people on this forum who have been in relationships with an H- partner and some of us are in one now :) I've had a few partners be negative when they started seeing me and remained negative through our relationship. Open communication and knowing your body will help.

 

@HerryTheHerp time for some of those amazing stats you know!!!!!!

[WCSDancer2010]

Dragalien

 

Just as a reality check, there are MANY people who are willing to accept you and your H+ status. Just look at all these success stories from the last month or so:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2384/successful-herpes-disclosure#Item_2 Bookworm_21

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2386/ive-been-gone-for-too-long

klopz

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2390/update-on-my-for-my-h-opp-peeps#Item_2 nic4897

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2445/my-success-story simplyme24

 

and a bunch of slightly older ones:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2162/a-bit-about-me-and-my-successful-herpes-disclosures

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2022/successful-herpes-disclosure-thanks-to-this-site#Item_7

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1793/i-did-it-i-had-the-herpes-talk#Item_7

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2166/first-herpes-disclosure-tonight-so-nervous-#Item_16

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2229/self-sabotage-i-seriously-need-to-put-my-brain-on-pause-lol

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2302/disclosed-herpes-to-someone-i-didnt-even-really-know-totally-inspiration

 

You act like your sister is unusual in her acceptance of your H+ status. Honey - I came out to THOUSANDS and also men I don't know on the dating sites and I am getting MORE support for my goals and aspirations then ever. You are allowing the stigma to run your life. When you can really honestly SEE that, Herpes will suddenly become a non-issue for you :)

 

Your BF is a big boy. Let HIM decide what his risk tolerance is. As long as he has the facts, he should be able to CHOOSE to stay with you and love you and it is not fair to him to continually take responsibility for his choice. You do what you need to in order to protect him, let him worry about the rest. I doubt that you worry about dying every time you get in your car, yet the risk of having an accident and possible DEATH is about the same as his risk of getting herpes from you. So are you going to stop him from driving? Think about it ;)

 

Don't spend 99% of your time worrying about a 1% risk.

 

LOVE THIS!!!! Stealing it for future use :D