Yes I have herpes, and yes I still like/want sex.

[misskellyrenee]

A bit of a rant. Not in a bad mood or upset in the slightest. Just a bit inspired is all.

 

This isn’t for the faint of heart, the prudish or the idealist. This isn’t a love story. This is for the realist. This is about sex.

I will go out on a limb and tell you that it has been 7 months since I have been diagnosed with Herpes and 8 months since I have had sex, made out with someone, or been touched intimately by a man. That being said, you can imagine the things that go through my mind when I see an attractive man. “Hello, how are you?” meanwhile my brain fires off ‘take off your pants, take off your pants, oh my God please take off your pants.” If an even semi attractive guy made out with me and spoke to me in Spanish, that would be it. This is of course, all figurative and not literal. I have restraint and would hold back reasonably, but the thought is still there.

When I describe this to my friends who know that I have it, mostly all of them can sympathize because the best kinds of supportive people understand that I am still a sexual person regardless of having H, or they just don’t think about it.

Some of them use the opportunity to judge either out loud or silently. I get this feeling that when I describe my desire to someone, even jokingly, that I am being judged. Not that they are judging me for being a slut or being promiscuous. I think the judgement is more specific to “but you have herpes.” While no one has said that to me, I feel like that is the judgement behind many of these people’s “concerns.”

To them, how dare I have sexual desire or to be horny? I have HERPES for God’s sake. I should be desiring holding hands, a relationship and a marriage, not a sexy man in my bed to rock my world. I should be craving ‘I love you,” not “I want you.”

Don’t get me wrong, love is lovely. Holding hands is great and a relationship would be fantastic. But I am allowed to want sex and a relationship at the same time. I am allowed to want them from the same person but I am allowed to want one before the other. I am allowed to want just sex. Just because I have Herpes does not mean that I am some ruined woman who’s sex drive diminishes and only has the capacity to want a relationship. I am here to tell you that my sex drive is still very much here and very much kicking. It kicks like an overcaffeinated Beckham child.

I know this has everything to do with them and not me. I know this is the stigma talking and has to do with the idea that we somehow deserve getting herpes or that we got it from being promiscuous. I am not even upset as I write this. Just contemplative after a conversation with a friend. I know it is something all of us have gone through at some point and I just wanted to write about it.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

You are very right... just because we have H doesn't mean our sex life has to change and for many that makes for some challenges BUT we have success stories on here of people who have had casual sex after disclosure .... and there's nothing wrong with that.... the only thing is that you may have more rejection because the person is not emotionally invested in you. If you can deal with that, go for it!

 

Sex is a beautiful thing. We shouldn't let H change how we feel about it... it just re-defines how we enter into it with another person..... casual or otherwise ;)

[willow]

Miss kelly... i totaly hear ya girl!

I stopped seein a guy early september....

dec had a one nighter... (unfortuantly both of us drunk so it wasnt good)

Havent had any type of intamcy since..

its driving me nuts!!!

And i do as well have that judgment feeling from friends when i talk about sex..

Glad im not the only one feeling this

[Guest]

I agree with you.

[misskellyrenee]

I think it is important to remind people of this, because it is the last bit of stigma. We can erase a lot of stigma with education but things like this are deeply imbedded, and are the last part of stigma to disappear.

This is a challenge to that stigma.

[willow]

So how do we go about changing that aspect of the stigma? As you said education... but it only goes so far...

[newthings2014]

Of course you still want sex! A friend of mine reminds me that a lot of people suffer our fate so chances are decent that the hot guy whispering amore in your ear may have it too. Win! (Unless he wasn't going to tell you, then he's a jerk) And I totally agree about the stigma thing. We're not lepers! Still... I'm not exactly advertising it. A whopping 3 people know - the one who gave it to me, my best friend, and the guy I'm with. And yes, he and I are just having sex. We are not "in love". And that's totally fine.

[misskellyrenee]

I think it is about correcting it when we hear it. We don't have to state that we have it to correct it.

[WCSDancer2010]

AMEN @Misskelly!!!

 

If you want to CYA just say you figured you should get up to date on your STD info when you heard something new on the TV (lots of info coming out on HPV and HIV right now) and this is what you learned. That way it explains why you are so knowledgeable on Herpes.

 

The alternative is coming out to everyone you know (like I have) and being so ok with my control of my situation that no one questions my sexual relationship status because I've made it very clear that I know what to do to protect my partner and that given that most of the population doesn't know they have it, the applaud my honesty and integrity around it. I have to say that it's been very empowering because I don't allow any negative/ignorant space to be created by those around me....and now they come to ME for clarification if they hear something. ;)

 

It's not for everyone but I have to say, not having to whisper or worry about who I have told what, etc, is a really nice space to be in :)

[misskellyrenee]

Good for you @Dancer! Thats awesome!

[WCSDancer2010]

Dont' know if you know my back story, so here it is ...

 

Its not for everyone (tho Herry (see his "Fajita" story) and Cicily have followed in my footsteps ... with GREAT results!) but it DOES show how the stigma is sooo much more in our heads than reality as long as we are informed and confident enough in our knowledge to be able to educate those who might question us while not taking it personally. It's a beautiful thing to be able to see someone really get the reality of H (ie, that their coldsore is technically an STD, so they are part of the "club", or that H doesn't care about your socio-economic status) and see them go from ignorance to empathy ;)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1754/im-out-of-the-herpes-closet

[Sparklepony]

This made me laugh. I completely hear you though girl. Now if only I had the nerve to talk to the people I'm attracted to...

[jded_jada]

It's not even limited to finding the nerve to talk, its finding the nerve to put it out there that you are still desirable and you still enjoy that part of life. I've been talking to this guy n im starting to think all we will ever do is share hugs n kisses. Its so frustrating! I dont want any of that all i want is to relieve some tension n keep it moving. But herpes just kills the mood.

[WCSDancer2010]

@jded_jada

 

Herpes doesn't kill the mood my friend ... your buying into the stigma does ;)

 

Yes, we need to take a few more precautions around sex, maybe plan for it a little better, and sometimes find alternative ways to pleasure each other. But having children will do that to your love life as well...LOL

 

Keep getting educated about H. Keep reading other people's stories on here. Here are 2 about casual sex disclosures ...

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3271/first-disclosure-was-a-success-i-can-breathe-now-

 

As long as you believe that H is ruining your sex life, it will. When you let go of that belief, things will change. Or as the saying goes:

 

Whether you think you can

Or you think you can't

You are right ;)

 

(((HUGS)))