how soon is too soon when it comes to 'the talk'?

[alexandraheather87]

Curious to see what everyone's opinions are on this. I met someone months ago.. We hit it off and it seemed like there was real potential for us to become more but I had so much anxiety about having the talk that I just wanted to get it off my chest asap. I told him, he thanked me for letting him know but he slowly backed away from the situation saying he wasn't ready for it but "maybe in the future"..blah, blah, blah... I only waited about two weeks into us seeing eachother to tell him. How soon is too soon? Do you wait until feelings are invested or tell them right off the bat so if there is rejection, it's easier to get over? I don't want to feel like I'm cheating someone by not being 100% truthful from the beginning though. This is a tough pickle to be in.

[willow]

Sorry to hear he backed off, its such a stupid reason to walk away from someone for!

 

But, alas we are human... and everyone is different.

some people wait untill they are enotionally invested,

I on the other hand told the guy im with now on our second date.

months ago ... i think febuary, i told a guy i had known for months, were only seeing eachother 1 month, and damn well effd off faster than the road runner. In feb. Tho i was still emotuonal. In june when i met my now bf, i tried the whole "hey so i have h, yada yada statistics blahblah blah. " i attemped the "its no biggy" attitude... and he accepted it just fine.

i truly beloeve its HOW u say it, not WHEN....

thats my experience

[whitedaisies]

Willow, you are so good with the whole h thing. So impressive!

[Yadira]

I told my (now boyfriend) the same week that we met. We had a super connection and I felt that I needed to be completely transparent with him. No secrets. He had no hesitation because he felt our connection as well. It's been about a year and we are careful and he is still H negative. Learn to listen to that little voice inside of you. It will tell you if a man is worthy of knowing this personal information about you. I don't think there is a right or wrong time but I would suggest doing it in person. So you can see his reaction and you can share your vulnerability with him.

[WCSDancer2010]

@alexandraheather87

 

I wrote a whole thing and lost it ... but these two blogs that I wrote about says it all:

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/when-should-i-disclose/

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

 

Bottom line: Do it when you are ready. There is no "right time, except when it's right for YOU ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[alexandraheather87]

Thanks all :) I'm so happy to hear that you guys have found love despite having 'h'. It gives me hope. Next time I'll try to approach the talk in a 'no biggy' way. I was a little emotional when I was telling him.. so that probably didn't make him feel better or more comfortable with it. I was still dealing with the fact that I just got H and felt pretty much worthless and undateable at the time. In the end though, I was a little upset with myself that I disclosed that bit of information about me after only a few dates. Next time, I'm going to take it SLOW and really get to know someone before I let them know.

 

First, I need to figure out how to knock down these walls I've built after being rejected. I keep telling myself (and everyone else) that I don't need/want a man but the truth is I'm scared shitless of disclosing that information again so I just try to avoid dating completely. I'm still trying to accept that this is my life now.

 

 

[whitedaisies]

Yes, acceptance is very difficult indeed. It's the new you now! And believe it or not, you're probably an even better you!! You have more empathy for people now I am sure, you realize how important love is and likely won't take it for granted....probably a million other things.

 

On another post just tonight, I wrote about the "inner voice". All of us women have it but sometimes we choose to ignore it or defy it...lol.....so I think a good suggestion would be when you are in a situation that you feel like you might want to disclose, that you kind of meditate on it a bit, still your mind and heart and listen to your inner voice. Mine is always right, that b*tch but I choose not to listen sometimes and I hate her when she says "I told you so!". Oh sorry,.....got ugly there....working on acceptance myself.

 

So cut yourself a break, emotion is good if it's the right guy; you want someone who is empathetic when they see someone being vulnerable too; but you also don't want to show them you are a basketcase LOL!

 

I am one of those people that like to be truthful all the time, but sometimes it's not about truth, it is about protecting yourself. So don't think of it as something you are keeping from someone and you are lying; think of it as "I am protecting myself til my inner voice guides me". It's all how you look at it.

 

GOod luck.

[WCSDancer2010]

@alexandraheather87

 

Again, there is no "right" way ... we've had people on here who are a blubbering mess when they disclose and others who are very straightforward and pragmatic ... neither one seems to have a full "advantage".

 

Some men, for instance, will want to come to your "rescue" if they see you upset ... seeing that vulnerable side of you helps to soften the "blow" for them because if they really like you that much, it will hurt them to see you hurting and they will pause long enough (if there is any doubt for them about the virus) to get educated and really think about how much you mean to them. For others, they will read the crying as a sign that it's a horrible thing that you wouldn't want to be near with a 10 ft pole.

 

I think the most important thing is being properly educated and prepared so that when you come up for air, you can answer their questions honestly and straightforwardly. Have the handouts and maybe even bring this website up on your phone to show them the facts if they ask for info. Make sure to tell them to NOT go on Google images (if they need to see a photo we have one here) because the first photos to come up are "worst case scenarios", and I have to admit they are pretty scary. Tell them that you are new to this and this forum can answer any questions they may have (we even have a section just for the partners of people with H to ask questions.).

 

First, I need to figure out how to knock down these walls I've built after being rejected. I keep telling myself (and everyone else) that I don't need/want a man but the truth is I'm scared shitless of disclosing that information again so I just try to avoid dating completely.

 

So here's the thing. The Rejection Reaction is a totally normal, very primal thing. I'm overdue for another Blog and I think my next one will be about Rejection, but for the moment, here are 2 links (including a blog by Adrial) on Rejection that may help you to understand it better.. I'll come back with my link in awhile when the blog is up ;)

 

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

((HUGS))

[mr_hopp]

Here's one of the first videos I ever recorded ... still holds up (an oldie, but goodie). ;)

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

And my Blog (hot off the press!) on Rejection:

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/

[alexandraheather87]

I watched your video last night, @Adrial! it was just what I needed to hear. When I was disclosing for the first time, it went badly because I spoke out of fear and shame. It kinda went like, "uhh this sucks but I have something to tell you and you might not want to continue this but I have to be honest with you..." while I had tears in my eyes. It took a while for me to even say the word. He didn't really even know what it was.. I tried to explain it the best I could but my approach made him uncomfortable and pretty much erased all of my good points. If I had just told him in a calmer, more confident way then maybe there would have been a better outcome. But I can't really think about the 'what ifs' because it's already done. It didn't work out. He couldn't handle it. Which is fine.. because really the only reason I told him so soon was because I felt rushed. He had already been making passes at me and even when I told him I wanted to wait to really get to know him before we had sex, he was still trying. And boy, am I sick of just being wanted/wined and dined for sex. So good riddance to him. I see now that's what he wanted. I've got more to offer than sex. Someday, someone will see that. Someday I'll see that ;) After getting h, I've realized how much of an emphasis I've put on sex in relationships. It's only part of a relationship. It's most definitely not the most important! I want a relationship based on all the right reasons, so h will definitely help me weed out the douchers and I'll be able to have that type of relationship eventually.

 

 

Thank you for all of your helpful advice. This site and all of you are truly a blessing.

[mr_hopp]

Awesome. I'm glad the video helped. I assume you've already downloaded the e-book and handouts, too?

Download them here: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

There's so much here for you to have many successful talks for years to come. ;)

 

[WCSDancer2010]

It didn't work out. He couldn't handle it. Which is fine.. because really the only reason I told him so soon was because I felt rushed. He had already been making passes at me and even when I told him I wanted to wait to really get to know him before we had sex, he was still trying. And boy, am I sick of just being wanted/wined and dined for sex. So good riddance to him. I see now that's what he wanted. I've got more to offer than sex. Someday, someone will see that.

 

Tell me about it sister! He wan't into you... he just wanted to GET into you ;)

 

(((HUGS)))