How did you find peace with herpes?

[hope24]

This is my first time posting on this board. I am glad that I have somewhere to talk about something that's really private. I have been feeling pretty emotional lately and tired of not being able to cope with these issues, so I think it's time to share my feelings and ask for help. Sorry it's long but I'm going to put it all on the table.

 

I found out that I have genital herpes over a year ago (May 2013). I was in a horrible relationship and shortly after split up with my (now) ex-boyfriend, who gave me the virus. It has been a long time and I am still having struggling with a lot of different emotions:

 

I struggle with self-acceptance. I sometimes feel disgusted with my body when I have an outbreak. I feel like that part of my body isn't as beautiful or valuable (for lack of a better word, not talking money currency here) now that it's been tainted with this virus. I feel a lot of shame and haven't been able to feel sexual at all since I found out I had it. I feel like my worth as a woman and partner has depreciated.

 

I also have a hard time accepting the choices that I made in the past. I knew that my ex had herpes, and we always had protected sex, with the exception of two times. At the time, I was misinformed about the virus and thought that the Valtrex medication he was taking was enough to keep the virus from spreading to me. Not only is that untrue, but he had stopped taking the Valtrex because he had an allergic reaction to it, and didn't tell me. That's how I got it. I often beat myself up for this because I feel like I shouldn't have trusted him, should have taken more precautions to protect myself, maybe even should never have dated him after what a jerk he turned out to be. It's very hard to accept that I knew my partner had it and I didn't do enough to prevent it. I blame myself and put myself down a lot for it because it could have been prevented.

 

I know that it's a cliché issue, but I also worry a lot that I'm not going to find someone who is okay with my having herpes. I worry about rejection a lot. I have always been somewhat insecure about my body to begin with, and this virus definitely adds fire to the flame. I am afraid to actually go for potential interests because I think that "someone as healthy as that smiling guy over there would never risk his health to be with me." I am afraid that having herpes is going to make me settle for partners who aren't as good as I otherwise would feel I deserve.

 

Can anyone relate to these feelings? Does anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with these emotions and worries? How long did it take you to find peace with this virus?

[Unbroken]

First off, you seem to have posted this twice, hopefully the site admin can merge the comments into one post.

 

Back to your post :) I can for sure and probably many others. I too got it from a partner who had stopped taking suppressive therapy and absolutely did not discuss it with me beforehand. She was my wife at the time and I was a much different person then. I started all kinds of stupid rationalizations like "We'll always be married, so it doesn't matter if I get it" and things like that. Suffice to say, we are no longer married and it does matter that I got it. I should have started using condoms that day or walked out entirely, but I didn't. I struggled for a long time with how angry I was over her doing that to me. (H isn't the reason we divorced by the way, we were a terrible match all around). So I found myself divorced, 40 and with a case herpes. Fantastic, you can imagine how desirable I felt.

 

It does take time to find peace with the condition. I can offer up some ideas that have helped me. First, the physical outbreaks, in my case and from what I read, in most cases, they get less frequent and less painful each time. I've had it 6 years and at this point, I break out once year, if that, and I don't feel any pain at all anymore. Second, such large portion of the population has some form of HSV and you've really got to get your head around that. Use the material on this site, get very educated - you're not going to have to settle for anybody. Between how many people have this condition and how many rational human beings without it are willing to manage it with people they care about, there's no reason to think like that. I've turned down multiple partners, some with H, some without, simply because I don't feel the person is the one I'm waiting for.

 

Third and this is biggie, you're going to have to get over the fear of rejection. I personally sought some mental health counselling and it was a huge help. You might consider it. Support groups are fantastic as well. You've got to get to the point where you feel normal with H, not abnormal. Reality is, rejection is a problem with the person rejection you, not you. I live by the mantra, life is simply too short to let a fear of rejection determine my actions. You'll notice my face is displayed proudly here, it does not bother me any longer if people know I have H. There is life after rejection.

 

Now I'll share a really advanced one with you. Save it for later if you must, but hopefully you'll get where I'm coming from (I can take no credit for it) - If you so choose, revealing this to someone, very casually and the appropriate time, in that 6 second time span, you will learn more about that person's personality, maturity level, and true motivations than you could have learned spending WEEKS trying to get to know that person. If they go "eek, get away from me" or the like, you don't want to know that person anyway. Anytime someone freaks out when they hear it from me, I have to chuckle a bit as if to say "You just saved me COUNTLESS hours of my life that I would have wasted getting to know you better, that I could have never gotten back." If they show sincere concern, not a pity party, not a woe is you, but sincere concern and a desire to learn more about it, that is a person you want to know.

 

Welcome. Again, become a sponge, use the site. Watch this, read everything else:

 

http://herpeslife.com/video-herpes-facts/

 

 

[whitedaisies]

Great advice and great post!!!!

[Athena]

Great thread! I see quite often on this site that a large number of people got it either by someone who didn't tell them they had it, didn't know they had it or something of the like. I, like the two of you, was told by my partner that he had it. We went and got educated together about it and learned all that we could and decided after some time that since he was on suppressive therapy that condoms weren't necessary any longer...... He didn't know that he had to take his pill every day and he neglected to tell me that he had gone a week without taking it...I often feel stupid for trusting and not using condoms. It was a definite error in judgment on my part. But I figured that we had been together for 8 months without a condom and he was on the pill, what could go wrong, right? -_- I wonder how many others like me will willingly take the chance and moreover, how will I not be ridden with guilt if someone wants to go there with me? I was in their shoes and I still got it.

@Unbroken I love your post!! Thank you so much for that insight! Truly needed and appreciated <3

[WCSDancer2010]

First - everything you said here has been said 1,000 times before on here (really!) and likely millions of times around the world my people who are recently diagnosed with H. And by people who have been disfigured in an accident. And by victims of rape. And by people who have weight issues. We all have our demons and it doesn't take a lot to let them come out in full force ... and Herpes tends to act as a magnifying glass on our wounded souls.

 

I sometimes feel disgusted with my body when I have an outbreak. I feel like that part of my body isn't as beautiful or valuable (for lack of a better word, not talking money currency here) now that it's been tainted with this virus. I feel a lot of shame and haven't been able to feel sexual at all since I found out I had it. I feel like my worth as a woman and partner has depreciated.

 

So if you see someone with burn on their face, do you see them as less of a person? Do you see a man like Nick Vujicic* (see video below) as unlovable because he has no arms or legs? Certainly it may take a special kind of person to fall in love with someone who has some kind of "difference", illness, or disease ... but those people ARE out there and if anything, when we find them, and they find us, we will know that this person truly IS in love with our SOUL and not the physical manifestation of who we are. Your worth as a woman and a partner has NOTHING to do with this virus ... and the person who truly loves YOU will see that.

 

I also have a hard time accepting the choices that I made in the past. ......I was misinformed about the virus and thought that the Valtrex medication he was taking was enough to keep the virus from spreading to me. Not only is that untrue, but he had stopped taking the Valtrex because he had an allergic reaction to it, and didn't tell me. That's how I got it.

 

Well, here's the deal. While Valtrex isn't a guarantee that you won't get H, it cut's the risk down to such a minimal number (with condoms, the number isn't much higher than your risk of getting pregnant on BC or you risk of dying in a car accident in your lifetime) that in many ways I would say we are safer because at least we KNOW to be attentive to our bodies and avoid sex with an OB. And in the end, the Valtrex DIDN'T fail you. Your BF's dishonesty did. So why are you getting down on the drug ,.... and yourself? Neither you nor the drug are to blame. You were lied to by someone you entrusted with your health, likely because he was afraid of losing you if he told you the truth. So please ... this is nothing to do with your past choices ... you just plain got the short end of the stick. And believe me, you gotta get good at living with the curve balls that life throws you because we can't control everything that comes at us. We have to sometimes just go on faith and trust ... knowing that sometimes we will be betrayed. Because to do otherwise we will just EXIST ... and *I* for one don't want to exist... I want to LIVE.

 

I also worry a lot that I'm not going to find someone who is okay with my having herpes. I worry about rejection a lot. I have always been somewhat insecure about my body to begin with, and this virus definitely adds fire to the flame.

 

Just read your way through the Success Stories. There's a whole category devoted to them (and many more have been published under the regular categories because they started as a plea for help with disclosing and turned into a success story!) I'll give you a few below ... and some info on the Rejection response (which I got a good dose of myself this weekend from someone I dated who went into radio silence ... even though I know that odds are it was because he met me too soon into his sobriety process and he likely freaked and ran ... but it STILL hurts even though it's not about ME to be rejected).

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Rejection:

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

A few Success Stories to get you started:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said-thisisgoingtobeok

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville (male) (READ TO THE END!!)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3983/successful-disclosure-male-to-female xrcb 8/12

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3453/proper-vocabulary-i-have-herpes-vs-im-a-carrier-of-hsv blueeyes… ending 8 yr dry spell from terror to elation

 

Brene Brown - vulnerability and shame

 

 

Nick Vujicic

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@Unbroken

 

Now I'll share a really advanced one with you. Save it for later if you must, but hopefully you'll get where I'm coming from (I can take no credit for it) - If you so choose, revealing this to someone, very casually and the appropriate time, in that 6 second time span, you will learn more about that person's personality, maturity level, and true motivations than you could have learned spending WEEKS trying to get to know that person. If they go "eek, get away from me" or the like, you don't want to know that person anyway. Anytime someone freaks out when they hear it from me, I have to chuckle a bit as if to say "You just saved me COUNTLESS hours of my life that I would have wasted getting to know you better, that I could have never gotten back." If they show sincere concern, not a pity party, not a woe is you, but sincere concern and a desire to learn more about it, that is a person you want to know.

 

That's the Herpes Wingman I tell people about all the time... and you are sooo sooo right about how it helps you remove anyone from your life who doesn't deserve to be there ;)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

[diversgirl]

Yes, the wingman! Good stuff :)

 

[Unbroken]

Great thread!

[lovingmyself2014]

Unbroken--thank you! I am two months post-diagnosis and am struggling in the same area as hope24. Thank you for your words. I am truly loving the support and non-judgemental environment on this forum. You guys rock!

[Unbroken]

You got this. We all do. No fear :)

[j_avalon]

@WCSDancer2010 thank you for those links on rejection i absolutely needed them. just posted on here for the first time today because i felt so terrible about just being rejected. this was a really big help! the tears have stopped through reading these posts and links and i fell somewhat sane and stable again :)

[WCSDancer2010]

I just posted the rejection links to your post (working my way through all the posts ... there's a LOT today!) ... glad they helped.

 

The "science" of rejection is pretty new ... or at least, this information is pretty new ... and it's really cool stuff. I know that as soon as I read that, my whole outlook on it changed. Rejection has been a big trigger for me for most of my life .... and I had a really traumatic breakup years ago when I was in full blown menopause that really rocked my world for years. So for me, understanding that I'm not crazy when I go through the physiological and psychological stuff associated with rejection ... that it's JUST AN AUTOMATIC PRIMAL RESPONSE ... changed my world.

 

Now, well, rejection still hurts ... but I know that I just need to take a few deep breathes when the stomach starts to knot (that helps the Vagus nerve to cause a relaxation response in the heart and stomach BTW) and the majority of the physical feeling goes away ... and I know I just have to ride out the feelings of disappointment and sadness. I've even got to a point where I can allow myself to wallow in my pity party, have a good cry, dry the tears and re-do the make-up and go out and do something to distract myself for awhile ... and I allow myself to cycle through that until I'm cried out and it passes a LOT faster now ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[sjj238]

@Unbroken your post really stuck out to me. Needed that :)

 

@WCSDancer2010 your paragraph about living and not just existing, and how we have to get good at dealing with the curveballs life throws at us. That stuck out to me as well. Been feeling really down about having to disclose at some point now that I'm in a relationship, but your post cheered me up a bit :)