A year on...and with every goodbye you learn.

[lelani]

Ok so it's a year since I was going through the crazy time of being sick, being diagnosed and working out how I would deal with having H in my life. I had to tell the guy I got if from, we were (still are) friends but had been apart for several months. I had to tell the new guy I was dating..we ended it but stayed good friends. I also ended up disclosing to a new man because as much as I was blown away with a chance meeting and falling for him I couldn't cope...turned out he had it too! I ended up saying goodbye to him after a couple of months as he wasn't over his ex...ran hot and cold when she said she wanted him back... and I was devastated when he went back to her.

 

So three men and three goodbyes in the space of 6 months of contracting H. I chose to be with the man who gave it to me...people have been surprised that I chose the risk. I wasn't, I had already had HPV so there was no judgement and I had already dealt with so much having that. Funny thing is that now, even though I am proof that people choose the person over H and I know others intimately who have it, I still go through all those feelings that no one will want me now. I often hold back from connecting with men as I feel like I am tricking them about who I am. In my head I know its not a big deal...but for today, having an episode after none for 6 months makes it feel like it is (even though its such a minor one!).

 

H only really surfaces in my thoughts when I have to disclose or have an episode, or when I am feeling alone (in those 'not wanting to be' phases). Today I have been thinking about what H has meant to me over the last year with the goodbyes and times of feeling I will always be alone, and I found this:

 

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning, and company doesn't mean security.

You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

You learn to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,

with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring your flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you are really strong

and you really have worth

and you learn and learn...

With every goodbye you learn..."

 

I am very comfortable on my own, enjoying my own company and feeling very fulfilled in my life, and I am really thankful I have learned that sadness passes and I do have the power to change things with my thoughts. It has taken a lot of personal work to get to this point and that really never stops. H does deal us a few goodbyes but maybe that's the opportunity... to plant our own garden and decorate our soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring us "flowers" (love, belonging, nurturing...). And when we do get some flowers we will know more, feel stronger, and understand that happiness starts with us, whatever we are dealt.

 

So this is like my H birthday...and that quote was my gift for today. It's not expensive and shiny and fun...its one of those hidden ones that mean more and are actually priceless (like a lot of H's gifts!). And tomorrow (or the next day ;-) ) I will feel happy again...because I've learned that I can choose to be.

 

 

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

Love you, Lelani. This is hard stuff...but you are so strong. So glad you are my friend.

 

Kristin

[Alyssa (formerly abby83)]

Thank you for this post, Lelani. I'm in the midst of my first outbreak in almost 8 months and, as optimistic and accepting as I've become about this, it's still so hard when the little bugger rears its ugly head. And being single and having to think about disclosing in the future makes it that much more difficult. I've felt the same fear of connecting with men because I don't want them to feel tricked. Though I'm comfortable and okay being single, I don't want to be forever and right now I can't help but feel like I will be because I'm so afraid to get close to someone and be rejected So it's been a tough day. I know I will be okay but I have to keep reminding myself. And this post was a helpful reminder and I appreciate it, and you.

[lelani]

Thanks Kristin - love you back :-)!

 

Alyssa...I know just how you are feeling - yep when it wakes up again its hard to ignore and brings out all those alone kind of emotions. The tough days don't last although this time it has got to me a bit...didn't realise until I felt sad this afternoon so decided to go crazy and hard out weed the garden.

 

I found a whole lot of snails in the lillies and burst into tears when I realised heaps of them were mating (yeah full on snail shagging!). Even the snails are getting some loving!!!

 

But i know this will pass I will feel fine again in a few days. H is only one of the many things we are challenged with in life and I have had worse...and I know that how you feel about it changes like the seasons, and changes with your thoughts. My affirmation this last week is "I now attract a healthy and fulfilling relationship with a man I respect and adore"...I thought that was the most positive one I could use to counteract my negative ones about feeling alone!

 

And as for the snails...they got dunked in a bucket of salt water!

 

Chin up honey ..we really are ok and we aren't tricking anyone, we are only thinking that. xx

[mr_hopp]

Powerful post, Lelani. I feel sooooo much when I read your words. I can't wait to one day meet you in person and hug you. That hug will last minutes ... It's amazing how much I can feel for someone I've never met, but who you are shows up so powerfully just through words that I'm continually blown away.

 

I am going through a similar pattern of grieving and wondering about the future. It's a good reminder that being single can be just as magical as being in relationship. Being nourishing to myself during my singlehood tills the soil of my garden so my own flowers can bloom. (Or I can beat myself up, remind myself how utterly worthless I am and make my own garden die and dry up. I like the sounds of the other option.) Maybe in the future, an amazing woman will bring her own beautiful array of flowers to my flower garden so we can have a brilliant bouquet together, but there's no guarantee. And there's no use in me worrying about whatever the future will bring. If anything, I might as well get excited about the future! It feels better that way and amazing things are just as likely to happen as anything else.

 

I'm reminded of all those times I've spent way longer worrying than actually living …

 

Whether it was worrying about a term paper in high school for months, then finally sitting my ass down to write it in a few hours and getting an A anyway.

 

Or when I worried myself to death for weeks about asking that girl out that one time, excruciatingly planning out all the words I was going to say so that she would like me … and then she ended up shyly asking me out instead.

 

Or that time for years when I had herpes and holed myself up in my house, crying, feeling so sorry for myself, beating myself up, believing that no one was going to love me. Ever. No way. And the second I decided to step out into the sunshine I was surprised to see how many people had been waiting for me the whole time with open arms.

 

We can spend so much time worrying about a time that may never come or we can spend our time living. I'm determined to live. And help others live as fully as possible while we're here. The quality of our life is being determined right now. In this moment. What are we contributing to that?

 

Thank you for your beautiful words and your tender heart, Lelani. Words cannot in the slightest express how much gratitude and love I feel for you being a part of our Herpes Opportunity community. You are the rocket fuel that keeps this forum running in such a beautiful way. You are a gift. And I love you.

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Thank you so much lelani and everyone. It sounds like we are all going through similar feelings. When you said you didn't want to feel like you are "tricking" men, Oh my GOD, that reasonated with me! That is why I disclose so quickly - I feel like such a fraud going along and having this herpes thing hanging over my head. I know in my head it's nothing more than a skin condition with a bad rap, but wow, when it comes time to meet someone, it's like some big dark smear on my soul that I am hiding from them. Logically, of course, I know it's not and when I reason it out, it's a minor inconvenience.

 

I am on my own again as well and my one year anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. It has been a rollercoaster ride to be sure. I have struggled, I have grown, I have met some amazing people, I have new opportunities in my life as a result, and I some days I struggle. Like you say lelani, we all have challenges in life and herpes is just one of them. I am so very grateful for everyone in this community for their love and support and I am SO looking forward to meeting some of you at the H Opportunity seminar in January and collecting hugs! :) I believe there are no accidents in life and I have herpes for a reason. I can either make the best of it and turn it into a blessing or I can use it as an excuse. It's all up to me.

 

Thanks so much everyone for sharing and being the amazing people you are. I am SO grateful to have met you and have you in my life!

 

Brenda xoxo

[OhHappyDay]

Thank you for all of the wonderful and honest posts here on this thread. Lelani what a beautiful quote!! I relate to it so well - going through a season of loss and death of a dream (having a marriage restored) to being alone again and dealing with H rearing itself in an aggressive manner after so many years of having it (26). That in itself has brought back the taunting that it owns me, that it defines me, that it controls me.... but I know better! Even though it is easy to relate to what Brenda said ... that it is a big dark smear on my soul ... exactly how it feels at times when it wreaks havoc and the future looms hopeful and yet unclear. Rebuilding me and living my truth as a never ending journey - there is a beautiful life still yet to be lived and shared!!! Powerful and inspiring words from you all... Thanks! :)

[lelani]

Thank you to all of you too...this site has been a godsend for me and it helps me clarify how I am feeling all the time. I don't have anyone I can talk freely with who has H ( only knew my giver and the guy who left me for his ex, and neither of them are exactly in position to chat with moving on with other partners) so its a blessing to have you to share with and get inspiration from.

 

Sending a group hug :-) x

 

 

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

Hi Lelani!

 

(Sister, I owe you a big ole' email.) I didn't mention it in my post before, but the poem you shared has been folded up in a book of my favorite poems since college. My aunt gave it to me back then when I thought no one would ever love me because I wasn't perfect.

 

It has been a year since I was diagnosed this week, and I've been looking over my old journal entries and reflecting on my journey this past year. Poems and quotes are woven in between my words. I was so broken. (I can even see the teardrops on the pages)

 

In one entry I wrote passages of another poem I have loved since college. It's by Rudyard Kipling...

 

If

 

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too:

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

 

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;

If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same:.

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings,

And never breathe a word about your loss:

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much:

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

 

Of course, I think it applies to being a woman as well.... (girl power...raised fist) :)

 

Love you all very much,

Kristin