Advice?? Please!!!!

[Carrieanna88]

I don't really know where to begin but ill just go for it. This isn't a sympathy story I just need some real advice.

Ok so I have been diagnosed with herpes for about 8 months. My first outbreak was one sore.. That's it.... My second 4 months later was not bad but way worse!!!!! Then I had another one a month after but just one blister again.

Anyway that's not the reason for this discussion. A while ago I met a man that seemed very legit. He was a firefighter and seemed very decent. When I finally told her his response was "your an amazing woman" that night he came over and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another. I asked him to put on a condom and he insisted he was fine ( my stupidity I know ). After the fact he freaked a little so he promised that he would wear a condom from then on. I even told him I would be devastated if I passed it on to him.

A bit longer into the relationship I started noticing things, like he drank a lot, he was very aggressive, those sort of things. Anyway one night he got rough with my daughter! I noticed what was happening and grabbed her and got out of there as fast as I could!! How dare he!!! I stopped talking to him, cut off contact and everything. Then one night he emailed me and said he still had my shoes. I ignored it but the next day and tried to get them. He Lied and said he didn't have them... It doesn't really matter... But after I left he started writing me telling me that I have him herpes!!! I broke and have been totally depressed about that. Most of my friends are telling me that he is probably just saying that to get to me.. He is stalker status, called my work a bunch of times all that fun stuff.... And other friends who also have it are telling me that even if I did that I shouldn't feel bad because he hurt my kid and that I TOLD him and it was his choice.

But I do feel bad!!! I feel worse thinking I might of passed it on than I did when I got it!!!

[willow]

Why are you feeling bad for a man with no morals.

take a step back from your life for litterally 2 seconds here...

 

HE HURT YOUR DAUGHTER.

end of discussion.

 

I dont believe for one damn second this guy has herpes. He lied to you about shoes and you fell for it. Whats gonna happen next time you see him? You really think hes not gonna try something stupid again.?

 

This guy needs help, but it is NOT your job to help him.

 

 

 

 

[forgivenessandpeace]

You disclosed and he insisted on proceeding without even a condom. The guy sounds dangerous. And violent. Take care of yourself and your daughter!

[Carrieanna88]

Thank you. I have not had contact with him at all and blocked him from everything. I just feel like ill never find anyone that is loving and accepting. I don't want to worry about passing this on to anyone. Ever.

[seeker]

fuckstockings, A, you disclosed, end of story on that part.

 

B, he put his hands on your kid, total asshat move.

 

C, he is behaving badly in otherways.

 

the moral of the story, just because he is a fireman, lawyer or doctor doesn't mean he cant be an asshole. go blue collar, we love our women with our whole beings.

[Carrieanna88]

Lol!! Maybe I'll try that.

I'm feeling better about it. I won't say he deserves it because no one deserves it but regardless my child's safety as well as mine is way more important. Some days I'm fine being alone and others it sucks and having this just makes it worse.

You can't trust anyone anymore and it definitely makes me wonder why he was so ok with me having it. Obviously he has problems.

[willow]

Woah woah woah.... not true! Someone doesnt have to have problems to be accepting of a situation.

herpes. Hiv. Kids. Divorse. Stalker....

whatever issue You may have doesnt mean that only jerks will accept u.

 

@WCSDancer2010 has dated some very nice men in her life, and she has h and 2 kids!

 

I have a bf acceptive of me having h and anxiety. And we've been dating for 5 months now. He's not an ass. And doesn't have problems.

 

Problematic people dont have to date problematic people.

and so called "perfect people" dont have to date other "perfect people".

 

Keep an open mind! Some hansome hunk will swoop u up in no time!

 

[seeker]

willow my dear, you know I love you but we all need to chip in and get you a pc or tablet cause your killin me smalls with the typos. :)

[willow]

There i fixed it... sorry ;)

[FLNewH]

hahahaha omg I wish there was a "like" button for some of these comments :-)

[seeker]

Danke.

[willow]

Bita.

[seeker]

@ carrieanna, no one should ever hurt a kid so that for me is the clincher. takes a special kind of stupid to do that in my opinion. as a single dad one of my big worries was my ex and any BFs especially because when something is in the news its always the moms BF that did it. but thankfully she has been dating a decent guy, hell ive hung out with him and had a couple beers. he ever touched my kid id have to put a beatdown on him though.

[willow]

Ya i agree with @seeker,

I dont have kids... but ill happily go to jail for them..

cuz if something ever happend to em, id kill the s.o.b.

[Carrieanna88]

I have 2 kids as well. I have full custody of both of them. So my dating life is almost non existent. When I do date it's definitely hard. Most of the time I think that its way easier alone.

It took all my power not to freak out on him I just decided the best thing to do was break off all contact.

I think the main issue that I have with all this is the fact I may have passed it on. Makes things better that if I did then it's to him, but I refuse to be one of those people that doesn't care if they pass it or not.

[Carrieanna88]

I appreciate both of your advice though. Definitely helped out things in perspective. I've dealt with abuse in the past myself and refuse to put my kids through it. I will say I am thankful he showed his true colors early in our "relationship" rather than later.

[willow]

I get not wanting to pass it on...

but he accepted the risks.

and its not a life threatenig risk at that

[whitedaisies]

I don't get the not passing it on, sorry. It's ridiculous.

 

The guy is a total asshole. You owe him nothing. He's lucky all he got is herpes if even in fact he did. He should consider himself lucky. If any guy put one hand on one of my daughters I would go all mama bear on him. My kids drive me crazy as it is very emotional with 3 girls plus mom (one going thru puberty....one just about starting..and thank goodness for my little one....she's still relatively normal lol) but I would give my life to protect them.

 

You did the right thing. You got outta there. Don't go back not even for damn shoes. Buy another pair!

 

Men like that are manipulaters as u know and have already experienced.

 

Xo

[Carrieanna88]

Your right whitedaises, he is lucky I didn't put him in jail and ruin his career.

[whitedaisies]

Now u are feeling empowered and self assured. Good for you!

 

Xo

[WCSDancer2010]

@Carrieanna88

 

I agree 100% with everything above... one thing I would say is save every bit of evidence in case he doesn't back down ... he sounds dangerous.

 

Bottom line even without the other stuff: YOU disclosed ... HE elected to not use a condom. YOU gave him choice. HE turned it down .... he's an adult and you have to allow people to accept the "consequences" of their actions ... you did everything right ...

 

When you add all the other stuff, well, I think you are very fortunate to have seen that behavior early on... and you may have H to thank for that ;)

 

As for worrying about finding anyone, I strongly suggest that you check out all the Success stories that you can to see how many we have on here who are in loving relationships with H- people... and check these links out too:

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

 

(((HUGS)))

[Carrieanna88]

Thank you very much :)

[WCSDancer2010]

You can't trust anyone anymore and it definitely makes me wonder why he was so ok with me having it.

 

Just noticed this in your comments @Carrieanna88 (I was at my Father's with limited internet and trying to answer from my phone so I missed a lot of comments) and I wanted to address this.

 

1) About trust .... trust is EARNED. Which means you TAKE TIME to get to know the other person ... (and believe me, I have jumped into too many relationships myself so I am as guilty as the next there :p ). Steve Harvey has a 90 day rule. Not sure I can make it that long (my hormones and being alone for 5 years will be trying to convince me otherwise, I know!) but I definitely have slowed down my last 2 attempts at a relationship and I'm glad I did because BOTH turned out to not be a good deal (in fact, the first turns out he was arrested last year for Bank Robbery ... yet he was the most gentlemanly guy I have ever dated .... but one day he just disappeared and I Googled him and found the news article B-) ). The second admitted he was a recovering alcoholic ... told me to ask him anything. I just didn't know the questions to ask but over time I learned that while he was 15 months out, he hadn't got past Step 4, so had not done the REAL work of recovery... which ended up playing out in his behavior. Believe me, I had to battle the hormones there because there was a HUGE mutual attraction but I'm glad I did. It sucked when I had to finally throw in the towel but at least I didn't have my hormones yelling at me and making it harder to put the phone down and not text him once I decided I deserved someone who had enough integrity to not keep letting me down ;)

 

2) it definitely makes me wonder why he was so ok with me having it.

 

Uh - honey.... he was drinking and his hormones were in charge. Don't you know that a man's blood supply can only supply one head at a time? When the blood flow goes south, men fuck first and then worry about the consequences after. Add alcohol and all bets are off. Consider it a lesson for you (one I am FINALLY learning after 50+ years on the planet) ... YOU need to be the one that keeps control of things ... don't put yourself into a situation where things can get too frisky until YOU know that he is fully informed AND thinking clearly and being HONEST with you about what his intentions are. It shouldn't take Herpes to make us learn this but somehow many of us are slower learners... and H has a habit of fast tracking out learning process IF we are willing to learn the lessons :)

 

(((HUGS)))