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girlafraid

I can't disclose... i simply can't.

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Your not selfish its terrifying. Such a totally personal and scary discussion to have with your lover...girl I feel for u. If its any comfort at all I was once with a man for twelve years took me six to tell him. It didn't change a thing between us. He also never contracted it from me. If u are aware of symptoms before and during an outbreak it way lessons his chance of catching it. Yes there is shedding but I gave never passed it on this way And ive had it for 15 years

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I'm just freaking out because we literally have plans this whole weekend and I can't stop crying I'm so depressed. I got over it for a while (i was diagnosed in march) but lately i've really just been hating myself over it. I'm miserable and don't know how to explain it to him....and what you said helps. I have yet to pass it to him in the 8 months i've had it, but then again I really think I got it from him so that could have something to do with it.

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Such a yucky feeling Ann I know...I have an outbreak and I have to lie for two weeks about w I can't get with my husband...how lame do I feel. Please don't cry ann.

.I have bad advice I could give of ways to get out of sex..but I doubt this would help u or make anything better

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What I said was "I personally do not understand". I said that "I" would be guilt-riden, I said "I" would be tore up. Because "I" would personally feel this way, because of THAT, yes, I do not understand how someone could have that kind of secret and be able to live with it. I never said disclosing was easy. I never said anyone was less of a person for not disclosing. You can read into my "essence" all you want, but you are misinterpreting what I am saying. Yes it has occurred to me that you do feel awful for living a lie. That is why I don't understand!!! I'm a nervous person to begin with. Holding something like that in would tear me apart. So, for me, me personally, I would rather try and disclose than live with the guilt, live with a lie. I hope you can work through it, I truly do, because nobody deserves to feel that way. Did it ever occur to you that you are being defensive with me because you do feel guilty? And the anger you are showing towards me is really because you are angry at yourself? Or angry at herpes? Did it also possibly occur to you that maybe I'm a bit pissed off for having this shit? Maybe I'm pissed that I had yellow/brown pus coming out of my vagina for two days? Maybe I'm pissed that I got my period right in the middle of this OB and couldn't even wipe for 3 days? Maybe I'm pissed off that I don't even know how long I've had this? That I don't know who I've gotten this from? That I don't know who I've possibly given this to? I didn't have a problem with the fact that the original poster was not disclosing. It get disclosing is no walk in the park. It was the attitude behind it. The fact that she DID NOT CARE is what I had issue with. She did not care that she was possibly passing this on to her boyfriend (who sleeps around) who could then be passing it on to other unsuspecting people. I've only dealt with this for 2 weeks as of tomorrow. I would hope that whoever gave it to me did not know they had it at the time. I hope they know now so they can do something about it. But, for me personally, I would look at it as a betrayal. If someone knew they had this disease and did not tell me to allow me the OPTION of not having sex I would feel betrayed.

 

Scroll up yourself. You were saying I was judging you only after a few comments and all I did was ask a few questions ... out of curiosity. I even said "just curios". That is what people do on here. You post something, people ask questions, people give opinions.

 

I did read his comment and I agree it is a wonderful post. But your implication is he was directing some hidden message to me. Possibly you as well should scroll up and read Dancer's comment:

 

**again, you came on here for opinions. You've asked for advice. if you came here expecting to be supported in your belief that it's okay to not disclose, you were on the wrong forum. We strongly believe on H Opp that the right thing to do is to disclose. I hope that when you calm down that you will understand where we are coming from.**

 

To be honest, I'm getting tired of having to defend why I would be upset and disagree with someone knowingly putting someone at risk and not telling them. I'm pretty much done with this particular post. I came to this site myself for support and, until being part of this post, I've had a wonderful experience. @adrial if you feel I'm in the wrong, then just delete my account cuz I'm over this. I've had many discussions with others on here where we may not have agreed, but there wasn't this kind of attack on opinions.

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Number one I was actually speaking to the girl who said its wrong to take someone's choice. Anyway u never got told to fuck off today for not being judgmental. I knew u would not c it that way...so as requested please don't respond to my posts. U shame others with your opinions. If u can't offer support or give comments from a loving place when your morals don't align don't comment

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Oh and no I didn't come here for options that r judgmental. I am not on the wrong forum thank you. Others here r struggling with disclosing and speaking with those people is healing or hearing positive disclosure story's is helpful to. U clearly don't know how to treat people very nice

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@jordenellisson

 

Hey there...

 

I personally am not reading judgement from anyone on here either. However, as I said to the OP @girlafraid , we DO support and encourage full disclosure on here for several reasons.

 

The vast majority of us here were not given that CHOICE to risk exposure and (assuming we stayed with them) working WITH them to avoid getting the virus from them. So we encourage people to disclose because as long as people continue to get Herpes from people who have not been honest (or who have not been tested and are unwitting carriers), the stigma will continue. People will continue to believe that those of us with Herpes have something to be ashamed of (and while it *does* cause shame, it ISN'T something to be ashamed of). People will continue to believe that only "bad" people have Herpes and that we are untrustworthy and that we sleep around. All these things just feed the stigma even further.

 

And to be honest, once you realize that Disclosure gives you a chance to really SEE the other person for who they REALLY are, you get that the disclosure experience can actually be empowering. I know it sounds crazy but after 35 yrs with H and a lot of good AND bad experiences, I can tell you that any of the guys who walked away were NOT someone I would want to be with.... not that they were *all* bad but the vast majority were not into ME ... they just wanted to GET INTO me. I have learned that "rejection" isn't about me, it's about the other person's right to CHOOSE who they want to be with and what "deal breakers" they have... so that even if a "good" guy chooses to not continue with me, I know it's because he would likely just not be a good fit for me.... that our values and beliefs are likely not as aligned as I originally thought. And that's ok. I'd rather find that out now than years down the road when I have a history with them.

 

I get it that you are afraid. I was once afraid too. I didn't disclose to one guy until we had had sex once, and when I told him, he freaked. I never want to have someone go through that again (or myself for that matter). *I* put him in that position and it took us a month of a lot of pain, tears, and upset for him to eventually calm down and understand the risks AND to CHOOSE to still be with me. We parted 3 years later for other reasons and he never got H... in part because I never had to worry about telling him that play time had to be in another area of the body that week.... in fact, we had a RICHER sex life because I could be honest and we just used that time to try other things.

 

The other thing is, that anyone who has a heart DOES agonize when they don't disclose (there ARE psychopaths who just plain don't care, but that is nothing to do with H ... they are mentally ill and have MUCH worse things that need treating than just H :( ). Sure, there are those that will give you many reasons for not disclosing (it's a one night stand, I'm not having an OB, he didn't ask what I have, etc) ... and many of those people are actually poorly informed/misinformed by their Doctors (some of whom tell their patients they don't have to disclose unless they are having an OB because they can't pass it on then, which totally ignores the asymptomatic shedding scientific data). But the minute someone *cares* for the other person, they begin to realize that they have opened a real can of worms. They realize that they have breached the TRUST of the other person. And then even MORE fear comes in because they have a LOT more to lose.

 

So we encourage people to disclose BEFORE they have sex simply because it really *is* the right thing to do. The facts are there that the vast majority of new cases of Herpes are NOT from someone who knows they are having an OB, but that they are mostly from ASYMPTOMATIC carriers or those who are between OB's. Once the disclosure is made, and assuming that the couple stays together, you now have TWO people who are working together to keep the H- free of the virus. The H+ person doesn't have to worry about finding excuses to not have sex during an OB ... Or when they have something happening that *may* be an OB. When I was with my partner, *ANY* time I had any little irritation or discomfort, I knew I could tell him and that we would find other things to do and *I* didn't have to carry the burden of worrying about him pushing for sex and then worrying if he got it.

 

AND - I *GET* it that once you are in the mess of having not disclosed, it's a pretty scary place to be. As I said, I've been there. But by continuing to not disclose, you keep yourself in that place of *hoping* they don't get it because you KNOW it won't be good if they do. Not only because they will have it, but you know that they will wonder what other things you have not been honest about. For *me*, I can't/don't want to live with that stress and anxiety. You said yourself that it's awful living that lie for four years. So why would you WANT to continue in that lie for any longer. It isn't going to get any better. The fear isn't going to go away.

 

I DO have to say I AM concerned by one thing you said.

 

I have been with my new man and father of my child for four years he is not an understanding gentle man..quite the opposite .

 

Are you fearful of what he may say or do if you tell him? More importantly, are you afraid he will do you or your child harm? If so, why do you stay? I am only asking because that raised a BIG red flag for me. If you are not telling him because you fear for your safety, I hope you will consider getting out and away because IF he gets H from you, it would likely be 10x worse than if you disclosed, and from what you wrote I am concerned for your safety even just with disclosure. If I am wrong please correct me, but DO know I have YOU and YOUR CHILDS best interest with this concern.

 

We ARE here to support you wherever you are at ... AND ... we stand by our beliefs regarding the disclosure conversation ... and while that may sometimes *feel* like judgement, it is not. One can have their own beliefs AND support someone who has another POV ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

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I don't appreciate your attacks. And, I will comment on any post I want. This isn't "your post" anyway. I have a right to ask questions and give opinions just like everyone else. It does show your maturity level by telling me to fuck off. Very nice.

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Nicely said wcsdancer! U see a lot and have a very good perspective...I don't feel judged by uvone bit and u have given me some hope and encouragement thank u thank u thank u

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@ann122

 

Hey there!

 

So you are pretty sure that your BF gave you HSV1 from oral sex? So why are you so worried about telling him? Your situation is very different from the other posters in that you sound like you are having your first OB and it's highly likely that your BF already has the virus ... even if he didn't give it to you, there's an 80% chance that he has HSV1 orally. 50% of new genital cases are HSV1 from oral sex ... so everything is lining up that you got it from him.

 

Hows about trying this. Sit him down, tell him you need to talk to him about your diagnosis. Explain to him that you are likely having a primary outbreak "down there" and that would mean that you got it from him, likely from oral sex.... and ask if he has *EVER* had cold sores. If he has, you very likely have your answer of where it came from AND the *good news* is that his already having it lessens his chance of getting it from you.

 

You really don't want to keep this in for years (as @jordan mentions, living the life for 4 years is NOT fun). Sorta like ripping off the band-aid... just do it, get it done, and while it may sting for awhile (while he gets informed ... make sure you have the handouts ... links below ... ready to show him the stats about asymptomatic shedding and HSV1 stats) hopefully he will get informed and realize that YOU have no reason to take any blame or shame over this. Take him to your OBGYN if you need to and have them explain the details to him.

 

BELIEVE me, 99% of the time, the FEAR of the disclosure is far worse than the outcome .. we have TONS of Success Stories on here and VERY few bad results. Read all the Success Stories that you can to help with your courage... and to get ideas of how to approach it... ok?

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Herpes facts video

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"... and while that may sometimes *feel* like judgement, it is not. One can have their own beliefs AND support someone who has another POV"

 

 

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LADIES! PLEASE!

 

TIME OUT!

 

Hows about we all go to bed and cool down and we can re-visit all this tomorrow... Please? I really need to get to the other conversations here and I don't want to play referee all evening!

 

Please and Thank You BOTH!

 

And ... (((HUGS))) to you both ;)

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I have been positive for 25 years. My fiancé passed on the virus to me. Whether or not he knew he had H doesn't matter. How he behaved after I was diagnosed should have been a huge red flag and I should have ran for my life. He refused to ever disclose any sexual history with me even when we were married. He refused to get tested himself then or later when I was diagnosed with HPV. I believe I also contracted H the first time I had sex. I believe the shame I felt from having H kept me from leaving him and I believed no one would ever want me again. Of course there were not forums or the level of information available in 1988.

 

I finally realized last year that I was married to an incredibly sick man and got the courage to leave. Some how I had only had my initial OB and had never experienced any other symptoms. I had convinced myself that maybe my initial diagnosis was a mistake and that I wouldn't be able to transmit the virus to any one else. Unfortunately I was wrong. I began another relationship and had some odd itching for the first time ever. It was at the doctor's office that they noticed a tiny sore. The test came back as herpes and I realized I would have to tell my lover of my status. He was tested and I am so sorry to say he was positive for H as well. Our relationship ended eventually due in large part to my lying to him through omission. He'd had numerous partners and unprotected sex over the years and he was able to realize that he could have easily contracted H earlier from risky behavior but didn't until now.

 

I had another relationship with a man and asked him to wear a condom. He didn't and after he entered me I told him he needed to wear a condom for his protection. In this case H really was my wingman as he flipped out and was screaming at me that I was "dirty". I learned from that experience that I needed to give full disclosure well before sex was initiated. I also learned I dodged a huge bullet because his reaction was abusive and ignorant.

 

I have met another man and I am getting ready to disclose to him fully before any sexual activity takes place. I have spent a good amount of time getting to know this man and have tried to keep the focus on what I can do that will be loving and kind towards him. I know it is a huge risk to disclose, but I am willing to loose him rather than not be honest with him.

 

I have also begun to come to a place of acceptance with H. It was my big secret and my shame. It doesn't need to be that. I've had to take a hard look at myself and realize a relationship won't fill the void in me. I need to love myself before anyone can love me.

 

I'm grateful for this forum and the values it promotes. We are all just sick people trying to get well, not perfect people judging others.

 

Peace Out!!

 

 

 

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@Cynthia

 

Thank you for sharing your story .. it really DOES shed light on the many aspects of the disclosure process and why we have the stand here that we do about disclosure.

 

AND .. goof for you for taking each of the lessons that you got with each experience. You sound like you have come to a healthy emotional place with Herpes .... and I'm guessing that if this guy isn't "Mr Right" , it won't be long before "he" finds you :)

 

((HUGS)))

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wow, just wow. whats with all this supposed "judgment" people are talking about? ive seen this in a couple of new members posts recently yet could see no judgment in the comments. maybe its cause im a male and we don't internalize every freakin thing, maybe its cause im from the south and we are a wee bit less sensitive than some, or maybe its because I grew up around southern Baptists who know how to judge people ( you haven't lived until you have seen a preacher turn beet red talking fire and brimstone......... AT A WEDDING!!!!!!) but fuckstockings, enough!

 

just because someone doesn't agree with someone or endorse some of their behaviors, its not being judgmental.

if anyone wants their own stuff parroted back to them they need to stand in front of a mirror cause its not going to happen here. we offer support yes but it can and often will be of the tough love type ( ive been smacked down once or twice myself).

 

a fair amount of people here got herpes because someone else didn't disclose, we have had people here who knew the giver and were so angry they wanted to kill. we understand if someone doesn't know and is an accidental transmitter, however a person who knows and just doesn't give a shit isn't going to be let off the hook, nor should they. everyone has their so called reasons and justifications for whatever they do, that doesn't make it right.

 

call me judgmental if you want, could care less. put on your grown up pants and move on. you want support for what you are going through with herpes, ill be there. you want me to tell you its ok to just give this virus to people ( luck of random non transmittance aside) because " im scared to tell someone but not too scared to sleep with them cause what I WANT MATTERS MORE THAN THE OTHER PERSON" fucking narcissism, aint happening with me.

 

ban me, put me on lockdown for a while, whatever.

 

yes this is a hot button issue with me, my ex use to say nasty things to me about something, go off on me and if I pointed out that SHE did the same thing I would get some shit like " how dare you judge me?!" "its different because "

 

everyone judges to some extant, those who are willfully not disclosing are judging that the person they are sleeping with is somehow less than worthy of normal human consideration.

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Well @seeker ... I'm going to tap you lightly on the wrist .... ;)

 

The problem is that fear is what runs MOST of our lives to one extent or another ... at least until we wake up and face it and say we will not allow ourselves to be manipulated by the voice in our head that says "If you do this, you may lose everything you have.... INCLUDING your life"... because that is what fear is all about .... keeping you "safe" wherever you are at... EVEN when where you are at is unsafe and toxic.... why do you think so many battered women stay in abusive relationships?

 

It's not narcissism, its the Reptilian and Limbic Brain Brothers running the show. That part of the brain deep down inside whose sole purpose is to keep YOU alive ... that part of the brain that can't see that where you are at is not where the real, "higher" you would be if you could shut it up. And for many, the mute button for that fear is hidden deep inside a room filled with self loathing, shame, unworthiness, and disgust, deep fried in a cauldron of sadness and depression.

 

The people who lash out are doing so because we are challenging their Fear and their Fear is running their mouth (well, keyboard in this instance). "Fear" was hoping we would say "Nah - it's ok, you don't have to disclose, it's all good" ... and when someone questions the motives, the thoughts, or the "rightness" of the poster, well, Fear is going to come out swinging. AND, I have found that if we can just remain calm and allow the person to process and consider and *try* our best to keep *our personal agenda* out of the conversation (it's hard, I know... I delete a LOT of things before I post many days!) *most* of the people start to understand where we are coming from. And you know, they didn't come here to be stroked.... at least, noone that lurked on here long enough to see where we are coming from. Odds are they *know* that some Tough Love will come out. But it has to be *Unconditional* Tough Love. We have to accept the EXACTLY where they are at right now .... because if we don't, they won't be open to *trying* to see where WE are at ... and it ends up in a slug-fest..

 

So, while I know this kind of conversation can push some MAJOR buttons for those who have been around awhile, or those who got H because someone knowingly didn't disclose, lets *TRY* to keep emotion out of the conversation and stay with Love and Acceptance for where each person is right now.... ok?

 

(((HUGS)) friend .... and a *kiss* for that wrist. ;)

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Why is it dancer is the only one that gets it. I never said support me not disclosing. I wanted support cause I'm scars to disclose. Show me how help me! Don't tell me how awful ud feel for not disclosing or how wrong u think it is or how I must be a narsististic..wtf how is this not judgmental why is dancer the only one with compassion and insight...I pretty much feel bullied and will probably b leaving this forum to struggle once again alone. Hey dancer u were bang on right about everything...wow feel like u got a crystal ball up here in Canada...

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Guys it can be really tough...we are told "oh you can still have an awesome life" then pretty much get told you can't ruin someone else's life....people say "anyone who loves you will accept this or they done deserve you" and then we think well they say they love me and want a future so of course they will and I don't want to tell.....we all know it's a hard place to be

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@jordenellisson

 

Don't leave..... the thing is it's easy to take things personally on BOTH sides.

 

Please remember, many on here got Herpes from someone who knowingly didn't disclose so for THEM this is a very hot topic. And even for those whose partners unknowingly passed it to them, not being given a choice is a frustrating part of their journey. So on your part, *try* to see that while *you* are feeling triggered, *so are they*.

 

The "Disclosure Discussion" is the hottest topic on ANY board that you will go on and while I know you feel "attacked" right now, I've still seen FAR more compassion here than you will get anywhere ... but everyone here is a Human Being, *TRYING* to be Human ... and that is a pretty difficult task for us when our triggers are being tripped ;)

 

This is the perfect place for ALL of us to work on meeting people exactly where they are at ... even if it's someplace that we don't like/don't agree with. It's the perfect place to learn to not take ANYTHING that someone else says personally... remembering that THEY are coming from their own experiences and pain and shame, and that THEY are also trying to work through the maze of emotions, personal and religious beliefs, family pressure, stigmatization, and the like.

 

I hope you will stay. We truly DO want to help you through this.

 

(((HUGS)))

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Please know – there is no anger as I write this. So, if you are angry or upset with me from our previous conversations, please leave that out as you are reading this, because I am not writing it with any kind of tone implied. And no, I’m not implying you are or was angry – I’m just letting you know where I am coming from.

 

We are all going through emotions right now. Some are angry, some are depressed, I’m pretty sure we are all scared. I’ve got to do some disclosing myself in the next week or so to some past relationships, so, ya, I do get it. My intention was never to make you feel ashamed or feel like you have no support. But some things you said struck a nerve with me personally. I’m still trying to shake off the shock of having herpes. I’ve only had 2 weeks (as of today) to process this. I won’t apologize for my “passion” but I will for allowing my “passion” to take over. I’m very much a newcomer – only two weeks strong on here – and have gotten AND given lots of support.

 

Some background, I have an ex-husband who was shooting up narcotics behind my back for 15 years (divorced his ass when I found out). I also found out he has HepB – and never told me. I’ve got an ex-boyfriend that told me he would be there for me during this time and then dropped me. So, I have trust issues. I feel betrayed. I feel used. I feel worthless. I feel like I give give give and get nothing back. I feel like I’m on the ground in the dirt being kicked to be 100% honest. And now, I get the best present of all: Herpes.

 

It is nobody’s intention on here to make anyone feel ashamed or like they cannot share and ask questions or ask for help. But, we are all emotional in some way or another and sometimes things get a bit heated. We all just need to learn to not step back, take some of the emotion out of it and not take it personal.

 

Regardless of your thought about this latest post of mine or about "me", I truly do hope you get the support you need and do not feel like you need to leave the forum. This is a great place with lots of great people – whether we agree with each other or not.

 

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