Help! My herpes "giver" wants to meet

[Tryingtoheal]

So, from my first post, I had already addressed the issue of my "giver". He and I have had practically no communication since I was diagnosed, and today he asked if he could come see me tomorrow because he has something he needs to say to me.

 

There is a huge part of me that is ANGRY, incredibly angry. Just for a little history lesson, he and I have been in a monogamous (at least on my behalf) sexual relationship for over a year. I upheld my end of the bargain by going to get tested, in fact, I was just tested 6 months ago. And I SPECIFICALLY requested the herpes blood test. Everything came back clean.

 

When I got the phone call on December 3rd from my doctor, the cut on my lady parts tested positive for herpes type 2 but my blood work tested positive for herpes type 1. Add that to the wacky blood count and the awful flu like symptoms, my doctor was able to tell this was a recent exposure. This is NEW. Oh, and on top of that, I'd tested positive for trichomonis. Before this, I've never had an STD. I've always been a bit of a germophobe. Now, I'm eating Valtrex for dinner.

 

And now, he has something he wants to say. I've been crying myself to sleep. Waking up in tears every day. I don't feel like me anymore. I don't know if it is a good idea to meet with him. What do you guys think?

[mr_hopp]

Do you feel like it would be healing and/or beneficial to your process to meet with him or will it just make things harder for you? Are you holding on to this anger or will it help to share this frustration with him? It's really up to you and feeling into what feels healthy. And I totally feel your frustration and anger. I've felt that before. Make sure you're taking care of yourself through this process. Being emotionally and mentally healthy is just as important as keeping yourself physically healthy. Much love, Tryingtoheal ... Keep us in the loop on how this goes.

[Tryingtoheal]

Adrial-

Maybe I am holding on to this anger. That is highly possible. I'm not completely sure. I just feel so LET DOWN. To add insult to injury, he actually tried to tell me that he went to the doctor and they tested him for EVERYTHING and he tested clean. Oh! An that they have him all of his results before he left the visit. Uuuuugh! I don't want to hear any more lies. Not only is my heart broken, but I have this thing in my body that is never going to go away. This is why I don't know if I want to meet him. The lies are too much for me when I know the truth. Does this make sense?

[mr_hopp]

Right off the bat, it sounds like it might be more of a battle if you meet him than an honest conversation between two adults. If you can't trust him to even be honest with you, then it doesn't sound like it's worth it to pursue talking with him. And this talk he's suggesting MAY just be him turning over a new leaf to be honest with you.

 

And I imagine for him this has been a difficult path, too. Some people handle this with honesty and facing it directly, others with denial and avoidance (and everything in between). I know I went through the denial and avoidance path for a bit before giving in and admitting to myself and others that I hadn't been totally honest. I was scared about what it would mean to own up to the fact that I had herpes. And interestingly enough, it was going through that suffering of how I impacted others with my dishonesty when I first got herpes that has actually strengthened my resolve for transparency and honesty since then.

 

In short, follow your gut. Maybe instead of meeting with him in person, have an initial phone call to hear him out? If he is still in the space of defending and he still seems dishonest, that'll be a cue for you to not meet. If it feels like there's something there for the two of you to process with each other, then a meeting might be best after all. Just my 2c. Does that help?

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

JustTrying,

 

I responded to your PM. I am here.

 

If I were you...and this is just me...I'd ask him to show you proof of his Dr. visit. You are sharing very personal information with him. If he is coming from a caring place, he will be happy to show you. If he can feel your pain even a little, he will be willing to be that honest. If not, you don't meet.

 

You have shared the most intimate thing two people can share. If he can't go there with you, prove to you he has seen a doctor, then I wouldn't bother. You won't believe what he says anyway. It will keep you stuck in this cycle on confusion and questioning and what you really need to do right now is begin to heal. More lies won't help you in that process.

 

But again, this is just me. My giver wasn't even willing to talk to me. I never spoke to him. If he would have wanted to I would have wanted to know in advance he was prepared to be completely honest. I was more interested in taking care of me.

 

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

And I agree with Adrial on his thoughts about your giver.

 

I know you are angry with him. You have a right to be angry, but the healthier choice for YOU is to let him go. Free yourself from your anger. He is likely feeling ashamed and scared or completely shut down and defensive, unable to share honestly. If he is in that place, he will not be able to be present for you in a way that supports your recovery.

 

((((JustTryingToHeal)))

[Domo2012]

Totally agree with all of the comments above- do this for YOU. Lord knows what I wold do and say if my giver was to contact me again. I would almost welcome the chance to say something to him. Good luck to you :)

[JC81]

How can a doctor tell its a new exposure? I don't get it

[Tryingtoheal]

The culture tested positive for type 2 but the blood test tested positive for type 1. She said because it was new my body is not recognizing it for what it is (type 2). Plus, I had all of the other symptoms of a primary outbreak (swollen glands in my pelvic area, fever, chills, aching joints, headache, backache ). I just didn't know at the time that was what was happening. I went to the doctor because I thought I had an infection from a cut from shaving. I thought it was a staph infection or something.

[mr_hopp]

IgG tests measure the amount of antibodies in the blood stream. On average, based on what I've read, it takes 4-6 weeks after initial exposure for the blood stream to read at proper levels to test positive for herpes. So depending on the levels of antibodies, there can be a guesstimate on how early the initial herpes exposure has taken place.

[NotAlone (previously Alone]

So if the culture say type 2, and the bloodtest say 1, you allways have type 2?

[JC81]

 

I believe I got the virus recently because the math doesn't add up to me.

I wasn't with anyone for 4 years until this current boyfriend. I don't think he's ever done a blood test for it and has never had any symptoms of the virus... YET I'm getting everything a month after being with him. I don't bring this up with him cause he's accepting in every way, yet I feel annoyed by how I think I got it from him. Maybe I'm wrong. But I was also never told it was recent by the clinic either. I saw the results and it only said positive and I never saw any levels for the test. But in any case, I wish you the best of luck and we're all in this together.

[mr_hopp]

NotAlone — You can have both HSV1 and HSV2. If I had to guess, sounds like you've had 1 and just recently got 2 since it was definitely cultured as 2 but the antibodies aren't showing up in your bloodstream yet. Does that make sense?

[mr_hopp]

JC81 — consider that you also could have had herpes for the 4 years and it just recently surfaced. I had herpes for many years before having my first outbreak. It's not always an immediate thing, which is why trying to pin down how and when we got it precisely can be so difficult! ;)

[NotAlone (previously Alone]

I have only taken a culture and it came back positive for type 2.. I got my first OB just 5 days after beeing with my giver..

[Tryingtoheal]

That's what happened to me. We were together on Monday November 19th and by that Saturday, I was having my first OB. Haven't had one since but I've been taking the Valtrex. Trying to get this thing under control.