Herpes for Christmas.

[Tylerrr]

So I'm not sure where to start. I'm a 29 year old male, have been in an exclusive relationship for over a year and was just diagnosed via a swab test receiving my results yesterday afternoon. After some rough unprotected sex with my partner I developed what I thought was just a "rug burn" type sore at the base/shaft. Thought nothing of it until a couple of "pimple" like sores in the same area. Devastated and worried I made an appointment at my local PPH for as soon as I could get it. My paranoid hypochondriac self feared the worse until the doctor saw me. Three days after my initial scare she was convinced it was nothing but a "rug burn" injury from my encounter. This put me at ease quite a bit but also knew I could be receiving a call with positive results, I of course didn't want to believe it actually could be H for I couldn't imagine how I could contract it. My girlfriend is very loyal and so am I. But then the call. How could this happen?? HSV2!? Really!? I'm devastated and lost and don't know where to begin.

 

Me and my S/O had sex Friday Saturday and Sunday unprotected while I was waiting for my results (tested weds, told I'd have an answer by Friday IF it was positive) come Friday night nothing so I took my doctors assurance that she was pretty positive it was not H. Monday afternoon comes around and bam. I got the call. How could this have happened?! I really doubt she's been unfaithful and I

know I haven't. Now I am so scared I have given this to her, or she's given it to me and doesn't know!? Could one of us have had HSV1 without knowing and transferred it oral/genitally to HSV2? I've been trying to educate myself but Im at a loss and have no idea what to do, how to approach her, etc. I just need some help from people in similar situations, experiences, anything. I know she's immediately going to think I've been unfaithful, she's going to be devastated, we've been through so much in this past year and were so looking forward to having a new year to start over, a fresh start. And now this. Merry effing Christmas

[Beachdude1984]

HSV 1 and 2 are two different distinct, albeit very similar, viruses. Unlikely that you contracted it via oral sex, as a very small (like 1-2%) percentage of oral herpes cases are HSV 2. She could have either transmitted it to you, or you may have had it from a previous sexual encounter. HSV can lie dormant for years with no symptoms. You have to broach this topic with her. She needs to be tested, and if she is negative you should strongly consider taking precautions to protect her (meds and/or condoms). Good luck.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Tylerrr

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Sounds like your GF has HSV2 genitally and doesn't know it - 80% of the population that has herpes doesn't know they have it because they don't get symptoms...and even when you ask for "everything" in a STD test, they don't test for Herpes unless you specifically ASK for it.

 

And no, HSV1 doesn't turn into HSV2 ... they are 2 different strains ... so if you get HSV1 genitally from oral sex it is still HSV1 .

 

The best thing to do is to print out the handouts from here, tell her that one of you has likely been carrying HSV2 asymptomatically and she needs to get tested so you know her status (so you know how to proceed - if you both have it then you really don't need to take any precautions outside of avoiding sex during an OB until you have had it for about 4-6 months ...

 

Just remember that 15-20% of the population has this - you are FAR from alone .... and you WILL be fine :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Herpes facts video

 

[WCSDancer2010]

You may also want to take her to the Dr with you if you think it will help so they can explain how Herpes works - but only if you feel your Dr is well informed... many are horridly out of date on their info so I would be a little cautious with that if you don't know your Dr well

[Tylerrr]

I just don't understand. So lost, so confused. So everything. I haven't slept with anyone else for over a year, closer to a year and a half or more. I took her word for it when she told me she hasn't either. Can it really lay dormant for so long?!!?? She's a very sexual person and I know about her past very well. Her sex drive is an addiction and this is going to devastate her even more so than she already is, ptsd, all the great life stress, relationship stress etc.. I don't know how to delicately break this news to her without it going terribly. Especially during Christmas/the new year we wanted and needed a fresh start so bad. She's said she's been tested before me but I guess if you don't specifically ask for the h test you don't get it? Should I be concerned she's been hiding this from me? Ugh. My head is so confused right now. Depression was already at an all time low and now this.

[WCSDancer2010]

I've had a client who had it for 35 years before her first outbreak - so yes... for many, they never know they have it because they either don't have an outbreak or don't realize that their "rash" is herpes ... I was one of those people ... gave it to my (now ex ...divorced for other reasons) husband about a year into our marriage :(

 

I can't tell you if she is hiding it from you, if she is in denial, or just doesn't know she has it ... AND ... she MAY not have it, and you may be the one who has been the silent carrier all this time and not known it.

 

Again, I would print out the items I gave you the link to and try to keep her off Google because there's a LOT of bad info out there. Get her on here .... we can help her understand ... and tell her to go to her OBGYN and specifically ask for the HSV IgG blood test ... sooner rather than later .. because if she is H- then you will want to discuss whether you go on antivirals and use condoms or not...

 

I know that right now you are not convinced that this doesn't have to be a huge deal ... and no doubt you and your GF will have to have a few really heartfelt conversations ... but in the end, this CAN bring you closer ... many on here find that their relationships are stronger because having Herpes makes you have to get ok with being honest and vulnerable.... which can create intimacy like you have never known is possible :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Tylerrr]

Thank you @WCSDancer2010. You've helped quite a bit. I've got a lot of figuring out to do I guess. I don't want the blame to fall anywhere, I just want it to feel better.. Emotionally I'm a mess. It sucks and it's a terrible time of year for all of this. How at risk will I be putting my son in this mess now? Avoid sharing drinks? Separate towels? I guess I have a lot of educating and figuring out to do. Any more links to information or personal knowledge is highly appreciated.

[WCSDancer2010]

Honey - you have GENITAL herpes ... so your son shouldn't be getting anywhere near anything that has the virus on it as long as you practice normal hygiene (IE, wash your hands after handling your junk ;) ) The virus dies very quickly outside the body ... when the virus gets on a towel not only is there unlikely enough of a viral load to establish in a new host also it will die as soon as the towel dries, if not before. So unless you are having a full on OB, I wouldn't worry .. and during an OB, just be a *little* more cautious about handling your junk and keeping things clean ;)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/toilets-towels-and-touching-oh-my/

 

Shame

Vulnerability

[Tylerrr]

I can assure you he won't be getting anywhere near there, thank you for putting a spin of humor on things. I guess I'm just really confused on how in the hell this happened. Uninformed and scared. My life changed and I have no idea how or where to go from here. Now I have to figure out how to "disclose" as its called

[Tylerrr]

Another stupid question maybe? Can genital hsv2 be transferred simply by kissing? I mean have I litterally lost out on any affectionate future with my partner iffff she is not infected as well?? Ugh. Pardon my ignorance and impatience on finding reliable information.

[WCSDancer2010]

Again... it's on your GENITALS, not your mouth ... so you can kiss till your heart's content. Herpes lives in the nerve ganglion in the area where you got it - it doesn't get in the blood or whatever so anything outside of the area that you have it is safe :)

 

and HSV2 really doesn't like the mouth area (only 1% of all oral herpes is H2) so when the time comes, you are reasonably safe for oral sex...just be sure to not play down there if you have an OB or when your partner has any kind of pimple/sore on the mouth and you should be fine :) :D

[ivoryrain]

You don't need to worry about spreading the virus to your son, as Dancer has already said. It would be very difficult to transfer it by sharing towels, etc. Personally, I'm much more worried about autoinoculating other parts of my body than transmitting it to someone else.

 

As for dormancy, my mother had the virus about 8 years before her first OB. I believe I had it for about 10-11 months before mine, and I even likely have a compromised immune system due to having narcolepsy. Basically what I'm saying is, whoever gave it to whom was likely not cheating, so do NOT accuse her of it lol.

 

I hope you find some solace here. H really isn't that bad after the initial shock :P

[Tylerrr]

That "initial shock" it's what's killing me.

[In_The_Same_Boat]

 

I understand... I came down with this two months ago, and I am still waiting for the "initial shock" to go away. I wish you and your girlfriend the best. Good luck with everything!

[Sil88]

Herpe Christmas! That sucks, but I'd say you'll be over the initial shock and worst of the symptoms by Easter.

[Tylerrr]

Not sure if that helps at all but alright.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Tylerrr

 

Here's the deal. Any life well lived involves at least *some* risky activities.... even just going out in your car is a risk - you have a 2% chance of dying in an accident in your lifetime ...and much higher risk of injury. Sports, some occupations, travel in some areas, etc - there are so many things we do where we could have a life-altering accident or whatever ... sex is no different ... and thanks to the CDC's policies on STD testing, even sex in a monogamous relationship comes with *some* risk unless both partners know how to get the testing you want (most don't).

 

So, you lost the crap shoot when it came to sex... but believe me, of all the things that can happen to you in the many "risky" things you do every day, herpes is a pretty minor blip int he grand scheme of things. I have a client whose husband broke his neck playing flag football ... he's in a wheelchair for life. Me? I'll take herpes any day over that, thanks ;)

 

I get it, this isn't something you wanted or believed could happen to you. But it has. So give yourself time to "grieve" and get through the shock ... know that you have to go through that so you can get used to the "new normal" ... which for the most part will end up feeling no different than before once the virus settles down .... you'll just have the occasional reminder from Mr H that you need to take care of yourself and your body because H is a really good First Responder when your mental and/or physical health need your attention, which ultimately may not be a bad thing :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Sil88]

Well I can't tell you there's a cure, and you said the initial shock is what's killing you. That'll wear off and you can't do much else except laugh. I realise it's a tough time, but at least you already had a kid/kids - you get to skip the main concern I have.

[Tylerrr]

@WCSDancer2010 that really helped put things into perspective. Thank you. And @Sill88 I know you didn't mean any harm. Just not in the best mood these days for obvious reasons.

[vanessayee]

This isn't your fault or anyone's fault. I too was uninformed that they do not test for H in the regular sti screening which is where my downfall came because before having unprotected sex with my partner I made sure we got tested and his came back all clear but he actually had it the whole time and was a symptomatic and showed no signs. As for me I had a violent reaction 1 week later which is a sign that I never was exposed to it before and had got it from him. Sigh for a long time I blamed myself for getting this but I gotta remind myself to be gentle and kind on myself because it is a sneaky virus and they don't even test for it so it's not entirely my fault. I was uninformed and didn't know one had to ask for H testing so my partner thought he got tested for everything too. Society judges but they don't realize how easy and misleading it is to catch. Merry Christmas and you are not alone. :)

[seeker]

tylerr, first off listen to the lovely ladies of Hopp!! as a fellow male I feel ya bro. we can be in short supply around here but I ask is it so bad to be surrounded by a bunch of hot sexy ladies such as these???

 

I have a son, 12 I had my first ob @ 1 and 1/3 years ago and was clueless as to what it was. splint and pill man thought it was mono. so I was not as careful as I could have been and had a bad fever to even better mess up my judgment and my kid doesn't have H anywhere to my knowledge. its really tough to transmit this to someone non sexually.

 

the lack of testing for herpes is in some ways a tell on how it should be viewed, since the cdc considers it untestworthy it cant be that big a deal. I mean they test for crap you cant get rid of with a shot and a pill yet are so unconcerned with herpes as to not mandate its inclusion in standard sti panels.

 

as a 5 month post diagnosis person I can say it does get better and you do stop thinking about it, it just takes some time and a lot of rational thinking.

[Tylerrr]

Well. I disclosed. And after a whole lot of tears on both parts and a lot of "who did you fuck/cheat on me with" "I don't understand" "I'm in shock" most of it boiled down to "it'll be okays" "I'm here with you's" "you mean so much more to me than that's" she still wanted to have sex with me. Protected this time of course. I couldn't bring myself to fully commit despite pleasing her,.. I just don't feel like I'm un deserving. Or incapable.. I feel like damaged goods. Yesterday's trash. Before it was so passionate and committed. Now, undeserving and dirty. Like I'm no good for anyone. Even the woman who still loves me and wants to figure things out and work with things. I thought it would make things easier disclosing, but now I have so much more on my plate

[Sil88]

If there's a blood test available where you live, get her to take the test. It's probably more likely that she has it too, asymptotically maybe. If so you will have no problem with commitment. Although this thing is permanent, I'd say only 20% of the bad news is permanent and 80% (anxiety, shock, worst symptoms, stigma and feeling of dirtiness) fades away after the first few months, and life can pretty much be normal again with a bit of confidence. Hope you two can find a few answers and put it behind you asap.

[forgivenessandpeace]

@Tylerrr I'm so sorry to hear about this not great news you've just received for Christmas this year. It's a really tough diagnosis to swallow, mostly because of the stigma. H is both a physical and and emotional challenge to overcome. Oh and of course throw in huge upheaval in your intimate relationship, worry and anxiety about your sexual future... it sucks right now. Take care of yourself first and foremost right now, physically and emotionally. And take it easy on yourself: you are absolutely deserving and desirable AND, provided you showered today, CLEAN!!

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@Tylerrr

 

Hate to say this but odds are very high you got it from your girlfriend ... if you were exclusive for a year, while it's possible that you have carried it silently all this time, odds are just as high or higher that you got it from her.

 

That's the thing .... herpes has NOTHING to do with you being dirty or damaged goods.... it's just a virus that is REALLY good at avoiding detection (and the CDC isn't helping with their non-testing policies) in the majority of people ... but unfortunately, about 20% of carriers have some kind of symptoms/outbreaks ... and you are in that group. However, your GF may well be in the 80% who don't know they have it ... so you need to get her to the Dr and get her blood tested ... both so you can be clear about that AND because if you both have it, then you can have all the wonderful sex you want without worrying about transmission (but don't EVER let that be a reason to stay in a relationship that isn't healthy for you!)

 

You most definitely are NOT yesterday's trash ... because if YOU are, so are the rest of us here ... so are the 1 in 5 or 6 of all your friends and family who have genital herpes (knowingly or otherwise) and even the 4 out of 5 people around you who have oral herpes (unless they never intend to have oral sex). That's a whole lot of "dirty" and "unworthy" people in the world ... and I think you will agree, most of those people are decent and certainly not undeserving of love.

 

This girl just showed you her true colors. That in spite of being delivered one heck of a scary piece of news, that she STILL loves you and wants to be with you. Now, you may need to be there for her, because if *she* comes up H+, then she will know she gave it to you. If you are acting like it's the end of the world, how do you think that will make her feel???

 

You next step is to get her tested. *If* she happens to be H-, well then thank your lucky stars that you have been shown what a great person you are with .... and you ARE worthy of her love ... obviously she has seen things in you that she loves UNCONDITIONALLY. That is a beautiful thing. Accept it graciously .... and return her love whole heatedly....

 

Again, remember, there are things that are FAR worse that can happen to you in your life. Go back and re-read what I wrote before ... whether you got it from your GF or elsewhere, you just plain got unlucky and in the grand scheme of things this is a pretty minor thing ... it's only your MIND that is making it to be something much worse ;)

 

(((HUGS)))