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stepping out


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So you know how you test the waters, perhaps at the beach, lake or even a pool? You dip your toes in to test the temperature. Well that is what I have been doing since October. Since that fateful day I lay splayed open with a doctor between my legs telling me about my H bomb. I sincerely thought I'd turn into a hermit. Some days that's all I want to do especially with this cold weather. But life wouldn't just be life if I didn't dip my toes in the water.

 

I have always been a "social butterfly" with a packed calendar and many friends. I love dancing. I love laughing. I thought that was all over. Sometimes I still feel that way. When I shared with friend the same week I found out I had confirmed that I had H. I actually had been avoiding her texts for days. I was in my room, in the dark laying in bed. I called out of work for two days. I contemplated quitting work altogether. That week I imagined different. It was her birthday we were supposed to head out to San Diego and party and dance and we were taking my new car! I was so jazzed. Then this happened and everything sucked. I didn't want to wake up.

 

This friend just like many of my friends text back, it's ok. You're still you!! I still love you!! and I couldn't believe it. She said she would understand if I didn't go but that it would be good for me to go. I decided I would go. I had a lot of up and down moments on the way and during. I forced myself to curl my hair, dress up, put on heels. And I drank, probably not the best thing but I drank a little I danced. I danced with guys. I had so many guys asking me to dance.

 

It was surreal. I came home I broke down. If you knew me 3 months ago you knew my weekends consisted of fun. You could always find me out with my girlfriends out on the dancefloor. Since it's toned down a lot.

 

This was me dipping my first toe in the water, testing to see if it was safe. And I have continued testing the waters.

 

My life is semi back in full swing socially. I didn't want to celebrate my 29th birthday. I wanted to just charge through Christmas onto the new year without parties or anything but fortunately my mind changed. I celebrated. I dressed up. I was out and I was spoiled. Turns out the water is not so bad.

 

I have calmed down in checking my body for anything. The first two month and half I think the mirror was strapped to my hand. I couldn't work, I couldn't go out. I just wasn't living. I actually didn't want to live. But now I see that I can do this, it's tough some days but I just try to breathe and live and I put my toes in one at a time to feel the water before going in. Tonight I'm doing it again. I've been avoiding a guy friend ever since this happened.

 

He texts me and I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack. We have always been quite flirty. But now he is single. Now we are going to dinner to catch up. I told my coworker what do I do? Do I cancel like always? Do I keep avoiding him? And no. No is the answer. I have to face life. I don't necessarily have to disclose to him. If it gets to dating then yes I will eventually have to go there. But tonight I'm still me. I can still laugh I can still enjoy his company. And when and if the time comes I will put my toes in one at a time, feel the water. It might be too cold or it will be just right. Either way I'm living.

 

Some days are really hard with H. Some days are amazing. I've learned to care for myself and for people in a way I never thought I could. I'd like to think that it's getting better. No I believe it will be better.

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This is beautiful to read, domh ... Sounds like you're granting yourself the freedom you deserve. It's amazing how much we can make up around what herpes will mean in our lives. When we can let go of all those stories that only turn out being true if we believe them, then we allow ourselves to live our life as it actually is instead of how we fear it might possibly be.

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  • 4 weeks later...

You are so still you:-)!!!! I laughed at the mirror being strapped to your hand - oh god I remember those early days lol (not funny at the time but ya gotta laugh - I still do hog that mirror occasionally to confirm the 'is or isn't it?' feeling!).

 

Keep dancing..I do too! It's joyful and fun and sexy and H doesn't feature in it! Take it slow with this guy and you will know when the time is right to tell him. I just told someone very special and he'e into me anyway - and we are taking it slow too - and it's lovely.

 

Live life in a big way and H will only be a little part of it :-). Thanks for the post domh - sending a huge hug :-) xx

 

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