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Need serious help! I didn't have the herpes talk and need to tell him!

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Hello everyone. I am finally joining after referencing this forum for personal help and knowledge since my diagnosis 4 months ago.


As a short back story, I was dating a man and after 2 weeks we had sex. He used a condom, but I contracted HSV2 from him. He did not tell me, but we had a fall out and went out separate ways. Wasn't meant to be..


Since then, I haven't been with anyone sexually. And have kind of called off dating all together! This was huge to me and I took it as a sign from God that I should be focusing on loving myself.


Before I go into details, please do not curse me or give me a hard time. Trust me, I have been crying for the past 2 days because I realize what a huge mistake I made! I haven't even been able to eat. I'm really beating myself up enough, so please only positive and educating comments! This is a first for me!!


My current situation is that I went on a date this past weekend. One thing led to another and while I had every intention of heading home after we had a few drinks.. His friends and their dates met up with us.. We all were drinking and having a good time. Suddenly, I got kind of black out drunk.. Nothing terrible.. But I don't remember anything. Waking up in his bed in the morning and I knew immediately that we had sex the night before. As I woke up, I was in a sort of trance or just still drunk.. We ended up having sex 2 more times! There were no condoms, although I am on daily suppressive therapy. This was a person decision, not because I am sexually active.. It's more peace of mind for me.


I know that the right thing to do would be to call and tell him. I just am a very honest person and it feels right - why would I ever put someone at risk like my ex did?! But there's the other side of the story, how do I know he doesn't have it?! How do I know if we will ever see each other again?! And how do I know this man cares the least about me to even know something so intimate and personal about myself?! Im so back and forth with the subject.


I'm aware that because I was not having an outbreak and am on Valtrex that the risk is about 2% for him to contract it.. Right?!


But since we did hit it off, and he has texted me last night just to chat, he may want to see me again. The longer I wait and if we do become something.. I refuse to build a relationship on lies!! I feel like the longer I wait the more betrayed he will feel. So, should I call him today to tell him, or should I wait until we see each other a few more times but with NO SEX THATS FOR SURE!?


This would be the first time I've been on a date since diagnosis and the first time I've slept with someone, so needless to say I'm a nervous wreck and just about crying every time I think of what I did!


So anyone, please help.. Suggest... Educate me.. Opinions? They are all welcome, just don't rub it in anymore please! I might have a breakdown!!


Thanks and love & light to you all.


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First - it's all ok - yes you know what you should have done but I aknowledge you for coming here to ask for help with making things right ... ok :)


Unfortunately, alcohol makes people do dumb shit ... especially if they get to black-out stage.... so just take this experience as a good warning to know what your cut-off should be or have a buddy system set up in future, please!!! Something FAR worse could have happened ... ya know?


So - how to deal with the situation. Hate to say it but ya got toput on the Big Girl Panties my friend and tell him sooner rather than later. Personally, I would say he's just as much to blame as you ... if he was the *least bit* in charge of his faculties (which guys usually have to be to be able to have sex when they are drunk because, well, we all know what alcohol does to their nether regions :p ) then he *should* have realized that you were in no fit state to have "consensual" sex .... IE: he took advantage of the situation. So how he reacts will show you if he's a man who takes responsibility for his actions or not .... that he very likely had sex without talking to you about whether you were on birth control and the STD talk .... so he brought this on as much or more than you did :(


To be honest I'm concerned for YOUR exual health because if he's a "Ladies Man" and doesn't use condoms that's not a good thing for you..... so I suggest you get to a Dr sooner rather than later and check for Chlamydia and all the other things now and again in 3-4 months, please?


So - I suggest you call and ask to see him... better to do it in person. I'd open with the point that things got WAY ahead of themselves that night and that you had no intention of having sex... and that if you hadn't been black-out drunk, you would have stopped things before they got out of hand. That will hopefully get him to realize that he went too far. Then I'd say that you like him, and if you are going to continue to see him that you need to start on a foundation of honesty about a few things. You can say that you hope that the conversation will go no further whichever way the friendship/relationship goes... and then tell him that one of the reasons you go slow (besides it being who you are anyway) is that you recently were given herpes by someone you were in a relationship with.... and that *normally* you would go slow and get to know the person first and then disclose BEFORE sex.... but given the situation, you wanted to make sure he knows ... you will want to ask if he's specifically ASKED for a herpes test in his past because if not the odds are he could well have it already anyway ... especially as he doesn't seem to use condoms..... and I would urge him to get tested NOW (no matter what) because if he comes out H+ now, then you didn't give it to him (it will take 3-4 months to show up on a test).... you can explain you are on Valtrex to control it and tell him the odds (and that is per year, not per sex act). And then you just have to see what he says... but if he's a real MAN he will take responsibility for having put himself in the situation as well......


We are all human beings, being human. We all f*ck up once in awhile. What matters is whether we learn and grow from it and how we clean up the mess we made.... so get out the BGP's and start to cleaning it up!


I'll post the link to a handout you can give him and the video that explains a lot that you can give to him... and tell him to stay the hell off of Google ... if he needs info, send him here :)




Handouts + disclosure e-book:




Herpes facts video
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I've got to say, you were so right! I was back and fourth with myself on the situation. This was a first time for me, so it was a big leap. Not because what I have is awful, but I do fear rejection just like anyone, H positive or not!


I did make the phone call, although I would have preferred in person! I was nervous, but he seemed to take it okay. We know we both are guilty of this and know it wasn't a smart choice. We both took equal risk!


I'm not sure if he will want to see me again, and I wouldn't blame him. I know it will be difficult for me to find true love with my condition.


But more importantly, I did the right thing. And hopefully, that will send some good karma my way!


Thanks again and I look forward to learning more from this community!

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I have one correction for you... it will be EASIER to find TRUE love with H.... because generally you will (usually!) slow things down and forego sex longer than you might have in the past and actually get to KNOW someone... I mean, think about it really ... do you want to date a guy who has sex with a girl he just met who is blind drunk? Or do you want a guy who is concerned for you, who will hold you when you have taken things too far, and who will get up in the morning and make you something to help you feel better before he even *attempts* to have sex with you again????


Think about it friend!






http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )



Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial
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Thank you!! You are very right, I know I will find someone. It's all about timing!


I've learned a lot from this experience. It's definitley put into perspective the type of men that I want in my life. Frankly, someone who is interested in sex on the first date isn't someone worth investing in for the long run!!


Not only have I not heard back from him after my dissolute phone call to talk, he hasn't updated me if he's gotten a STD test .. Or if he is even making it a priority. It seems like he may be one of those people who think they are unable to get an STD.. HA, if there was only a way.


I find myself getting quite upset at times, feeling so used and like garbage how someone could treat me like this!! It really makes me feel awful!!


Now I am mostly concerned about contracting something more serious, like HIV or even HPV. Do you have any knowedle or resources that I can learn about the risk for this? I doubt that I am at high risk for HIV... But you never know these things!! Call me overly paranoid :)


Thanks so much again!!!

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Hey there. I just shared my similar story as well. I didn't disclose till after a certain amount of time. I know exactly the feeling you are going through but coming out clean was the best. Just have to own up to it but be safe at the same time. There are amazing people on here to have your back and help you through these life lessons. Hope you feel better.

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I wouldn't worry about this status. You informed him of yours and what he does with that information is not your responsibility.


It sounds to me like you both had a fun date and sex. It doesn't sound like you two really got the chance to get to know each other. Then you disclosed, which probably/hopefully gave him a wake up call about fun dates that lead to sex without protection with someone you really don't know.


And to this comment "I doubt that I'm at high risk for HIV".. I've read that those with herpes are 2 to 3 times MORE likely to get HIV than those without. I'm sure someone will pop up with some numbers or statistics on that. I'm not trying to scare you, but the risk is there.


I didn't reply originally because you were beating yourself up for your mistake. I don't quite have the talent wcsdancer has to make people feel better. So keep that in mind before reading the rest of this. I don't mean to point fingers at you, but maybe this will help you in the future. Own your mistake. You messed up, you're human. Don't put yourself in the victim role. (I drank to much, I was in a fog, I feel used, etc). Own it and learn from it for next time, because there will be a next time.

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I'm loving this thread. I've been in turmoil all week after giving it to a guy I was dating accidentally- momentary contact..I was so drunk. I told him I had herpes the next week and he accepted it but after that sexual encounter so still wrong way round.Then he got ill and we just knew he'd caught it. So now he hates me. I hadn't considered his role in having unprotected contact with a very drunk girl on a first date. We were really attracted to one another, but that means nothing to him now. Just that he's infected now too and must blame someone. Entirely me. :-(

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ok, im gonna chime in hear and I know it may be taken wrong so please bear with me. I tend to just say things as I find being "politically correct" to exhausting.


first, yes both due to open sore AND some odd attractor cell phenomenon people with hsv are 2-4 times more likely to get HIV. its NOT just about the sores. however. no sores, condoms and your talking 2-4 x more than a fairly low number. even if a health care worker pricks themselves with an infected needle its still only 1-250 they will get hiv. so A the person has to have HIV, B they need the appropriate viral load, C there has to be body fluid exchange and on and on.


now on to the part that will get me in trouble. why does drinking absolve a woman of her responsibility of her actions yet make the man she is drinking with MORE responsible for his? I understand drinking and I understand "no means no" but when is it ok for 2 people to drink together and person A is absolved of their decision making abilities yet person B s not only NOT absolved but is responsible for reading the other persons ability to make decisions? either both are as irresponsible or both are culpable. does a woman drinking who then hits a person while driving get a pass on her inability to consent to driving? at what point does it become a he said she said thing?


I know this will get lost in all this, I am not speaking of anyone in general I am asking a question about a subject that seemingly comes up a lot around here and as someone who actually believes in equality that means everyone is the same and equally responsible or not under the same circumstances.


and one more thing, there is a difference in responsibility and fault. I know that's not greatly understood in our oprah culture. if person A drives to work and gets into an accident, person A is responsible for putting themselves into that place. ie, they chose the route, what time they left for work, etc. they may not be at fault for the accident. so while someone may get too drunk to be at fault for some of the events that occur, they damned well are responsible for putting themselves in the position for them to occur.

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Well, @seeker, I love reading your posts, btw… No, you are not going to get in trouble! I hear you about "what's wrong with two people drinking together" but… but… but...in these two gal's cases… they seem to have been MUCH more drunk than the guys in question. The shy gal was "blackout drunk", yet they still managed to get back to the guy's house somehow… the guy wasn't too drunk to get it up, so it seems like she was WAY more drunk… In Miss Cleopatra's case, he had to assure her that a condom was used, because she does't seem to have any memory of what happened… he was able to perform, put on a condom, remember what took place… When I first read these posts, my first thought was… I actually wanted to ask these women if they were absolutely sure if they were just really drunk… or if something had been slipped into their drinks! Shy gal seemed to be drunk so "suddenly", after all, and woke up "in a trance"… sounds like someone who could have gotten blackout drunk, also sounds like someone who could have been drugged. If two people are equally drunk, ok, both equally responsible, I guess, but I thought that most guys couldn't get much of an erection in the first place!

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The topic of HIV was well covered already ... yes, our odds increase of getting it but the numbers are still low. Now, regarding HPV... according to the CDC anyone who is secually active is likely to get at least one of the 40ish types of HPV. The majority wreak havoc and scare the bejeasus out of people (if they are detected at all) then dissappear and go dormant. 2 types cause warts and they can be frozen off and then they go dormant. About 4-6 can cause cancer. If you had the HPV vaccine you should be covered for them anyway. And if you get regular pap smears/hpv testing then they should get it early and deal with it before it becomes cancerous.... So I wouldn't sweat it.




why does drinking absolve a woman of her responsibility of her actions yet make the man she is drinking with MORE responsible for his?


I NEVER said the guy was MORE responsible... what I said was that the guy does have SOME repsonsibility if he makes no attempt to have an STD talk and/or use condoms... but I WILL add that IF he has sex with a woman who is black-out drunk then IMO that is walking a fine line for rape..especially if she is passed out. And as mentioned, who knows if they had something slipped in their drinks. Sorry but I have 2 daughters and I know they have been blackout drunk and thankfully most of the time they had good friends around to look after them but it scares the shit out of me to think of what might have happened to them.


I saw a program recently where an actress acted really drunk at a bar and they filmed how people reacted ... a number of guys zoned right in on her and tried to talk her into "coming back to their room to sober up" ... a SCARY number of them for that matter ... and thankfully most of the time bystanders stepped up to try to get the girl to stay till she "sobered up"... but like it or not a lot of men DO see a drunk girl and see that as their opportunity to "get lucky"... in which case IMO, they are equally as responsible for anything that happens (including pregnancy!) as a result of their actions.


Think about it. If you are with a person who is black-out drunk:


1) would you take advantage of the situation?


2) would you really TRUST anything they said if you DID have an STD talk?


3) would you ride bareback on a gal you don't know who likely isn't in a fit state to tell you if she has an STD (she probably can't even tell you where she lives, never mind something that has a stigma attached to it....)


Any time you have casual sex, you run a risk of an STD... period. Add to that taking advantage of someone who is incapacitated and you just plain need to take ownership for putting yourself at risk of an STD ... again ... not to say that it absolves the person who drank but again, they may have had something slipped in the drink and they may be like my daughters ... who literally go from 1 tequila to floor ... usually before the 4th shot... (they obviously didn't get their mother's tolerance for alcohol ;) ) .... And I've seen it happen once with one daughter. Talking perfectly fine one moment and barely able to get her from the subway to the train the next...and passed out as soon as her ass hit the train seat ... scary shit my friend... :(



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Currently on phone so its tough to respond easily. A person is responsible for getting black out drunk as they kept buying the drinks and putting them in their mouths. Also, i in no way condone slipping someone the mickey but its SOP to be diligent about ones drink in a bar. Mine never leaves my sight or the sight of a friend.

Again its become personal. Im not talking blacked out.

Remember joe millionaire? I guess all women are gold diggers based on that show.

For myself i tend to err on the side of caution, maybe too much as i dont trust that morning after regret wont make some chick decide to claim she was blacked out drunk and i wouldnt have proof w/o a signed consent form.

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@Seeker -I had the same questions. These kind of posts are popping up a lot lately and (this is NOT directed to anyone specifically, but to a future reader) it makes me worry that if you state your drunk its okay that you didn't disclose. Or even worse, their fault that you had sex before disclosing.


So, I have to agree with seeker. There is a certain amount of responsibility you take when you put yourself in a situation where sex may happen. And..I would like to think I wouldn't do anything drunk that I never thought about doing sober. I actually read an article on drinking that stated alcohol doesn't make you behave badly, it just makes you care less about the repercussions.


The situations we are talking about are a little different but I didn't get the I got raped vibe from these posts. I got the I screwed up vibe.



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Well i hope its understood i wasn't speaking about the OP nor others here. I wasnt there and dont know the circumstances. I was speaking about the abdication of responsibility. And trust me i kniw alcohol can make you do some less than stellar things. Ive driven home, went to bed and woke the next day feeling so bad that i know i should not have been behind the wheel.

Im mainly reading, " I drank, made bad choices and now have to own it" here.


As a man i know i need to protect myself, i dont go into a womans condo at work alone, i dont babysit GFs kids for some time, i dont get flirty on their kids phones when they ask me too, i want nothing to do with an overly inebriated woman,etc. All it takes is one false allegation and im pooched. Hell taylor swift has a video trashing a guys stuff, think that would fly from a male singer? Yea right. Hell hath no wrath and its ok because she is a woman.

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OK... ONCE AGAIN I am NOT absolving the H+ person for not disclosing... I am saying that there is a SHARED responsibility in these situations and that by not asking/discussing STD's ... *even if the person isn't drunk* ... the H- person has *SOME* responsibility too. ..and sorry but I have NO tollerance for guys who take advantage of a drunk girl ... maybe if you had a daughter you would feel differently :(


And remember, you were young once. I expect you got blackout drunk *at least* once ... now, guys are in a better position in this case because the worst thing that will happen to them is they will wake up in the morning covered in shaving cream (because roaring drunk guys are not sexy and odds are they couldn't get it up even if a girl tried to "take advantage" of them) and on Youtube.. and for the ladies many just plain got lucky and nothing happened or their friends took them home but it's also how many received their H buddy. Unless you have never, ever been blackout drunk, (or had some grave error of judgement) I feel that telling someone they shouldn't get themselves into that situation is a *little* hypocritical... and there are some like my daughters (and ex-hubby for that matter :p ) who really have a VERY fine line between being clear headed and out cold.


My point when I say this is that we are ALL responsible for our sexual health. Most of us here got H because *we* didn't ask (I'm one of them and I take FULL responsibility for getting H) and I always point to those people that *they* should take responsibility for not having an adult conversation about STD's ...I hold those people accountable as well.

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Hell taylor swift has a video trashing a guys stuff, think that would fly from a male singer?


Really? You forget that male singers demean women All.The.Time.


Bitches Ain't Shit But Hoes And Tricks by Dre, Snoop:


Wildflower by Ghostface Killah:


U.O.E.N.O by Rick Ross condones rape ...


I can find you dozens more :(


Sorry but men have been trashing women and their vaginas in songs for quite awhile now... :(

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I will admit although I've been staggering/slurring drunk, I've never been black out drunk, so I don't quite understand what it's like. Sorry if I seemed judgmental/hypocritical.


@ dancer, haven't heard the "Bitches Aint Shit But Hoes and Tricks" song in ages but the refrain is running through my head now! :))

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while I don't condone the lyrics, its words versus actions. those hip hop stars are saying unpleasant things ( and I don't watch videos in general, my info on them comes from my son showing me them occasionally) buy ms swift is stabbing his clothes and trashing his car. words while bad are not worse than actions. my point was if a man made a video doing those things he would get lambasted.


and no I don't condone taking advantage of anyone. but thank you for assuming I do.


no I don't have a daughter I have a son and all my friends who have both in his age bracket tell me the girls are worse about trying crap with the boys, their boys and that I need to keep a close eye on them. this is coming from woman with both gender teens.

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@ MMissouri, I once drank a bottle of vodka in 4 shots, didn't even get drunk just passed out. luckily I didn't get alcohol poisoning. puked all over the house ( also lucky I didn't aspirate some and die) and no one took advantage of me, thankfully. but that was the last time ( I was in late teens and am old enough to have legally drank at 19 and back in those days teens often drank at parties that PARENTS thru. the idea was they were gonna do it anyway might as well keep them as safe as possible. then MADD and some lawyers started suing cause little Susie got drunk and maybe hurt herself or such) I ever drank like that or blacked out. yes ive come home and fell asleep. hell I slept in my car last night for a couple hours before driving home. usually touching a hot burner teaches one a better understanding of "hot" than being told not to.

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and no I don't condone taking advantage of anyone. but thank you for assuming I do.


Never EVER assumed you did ... for one thing, I've learned never to assume anything because in doing so that makes an ASS out of U and ME and I also think I know you well enough from on here to know you would never support that :/


Again ... the whole point of everything I said was that while *we* need to be responsible for disclosing,


1) we are all human and make mistakes




2) Everyone is responsible for their own sexual health and IMO any time you have sex with someone without discussing things like STDs (and discusing isn't really enough, but it's at least an *attempt* to get information that might affect your decision to have sex... because if we are ASKED, then we have no real excuse to not tell)... AS WELL AS birth control issues, monogamy (or not), and expectations of what having sex "means" to another ... so anyone who doesn't do this and get's an STD, or makes a baby, or gets hurt because they *thought* having sex make you their S.O. should, IMO, realize that they are just as much at fault for not looking after THEIR OWN health and welfare :)






like I said, I've seen my daughter go from perfectly fine/able to walk 10 blocks down NYC to the subway to passed out in a railway car in the 30 minutes AFTER we left the bar... so it can sneak up on certain people ... and young people often haven't learned their "warning signs" ;)

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Sorry, I am chiming I a bit late here. I appreciate all the input, especially the different point of views.


This has been a big learning expirrence for me, and even more after reading the comments above. So I do appreciate even some *harsh* comments because it is true.


I take 100% responsibility for my actions, which of that I could control. Like, why did I not just meet him out rather than have him pick me up for a date? Also, I should have said after dinner that j wanted to go home, rather than go hangout with his friends. I mean, what kind of guy takes a girl on a first date to meet his guy friends at a bar?? That was a red flag right there.


Now, it's not in my character to make decisions that lead me to the point of going home with a stranger. Although, I am aware NOW that drinking leads me to make really poor decisions and not having a guy call me a cab or an uber to take my drunk ass home - was a bad idea. I should have known better than to think I would be 'safe' going home with a drunk, horny guy!!


On another note, im not trying to point the finger at some guy to take the heat off myself. I was there, I rememeber barley anything.. But I remember him and his demeanor even the next morning. He was perfectly happy about the situation, even calling me later that night after the bar to hangout (before I disosed). He knew perfectly well what happened. So while it's not right for me to point the finger and yell RAPE... He clearly took advantage of the 'situation' that night. Hey, it happens. Some guys are just jerks who want to add a knotch to the belt, not all of them.. But this one was.


After the disclosure phone call, he thanked me. And even told me 'wow good job, I'm proud of you', saying that he doesn't know if he would ever be able to do what I did. He knew we were both at fault and apologized for taking advantage of the situation. Since then, I haven't heard a word from him. No worries, it's for the best.


Moral of my story is.. And maybe someone can learn from me too..

1 - My 'easy going', spontaneous demeanor doesnt benefit me in a dating situation. Sure, every one wants to go out and go with the moments to have fun... But I wasn't aware that that attitude probably gave him the wrong idea of me. Although, I'm not EASY at all.. all he saw was an opportunity. And when it boiled down to it, he took advantage of me. I trust people too easy, as most women do. We want to think every man is our prince charming. And for me to TRUST that he was either going to get me home safe or keep his hands to himself was a poor judgment call on my part!!!


2 - If I'm going on a date, I need to be more clear about why I'm going on it and what the plan is. And that I intend on going home alone. I mean, I think back like.. Why did I go out with him anyway? Was I doing my friend a favor (the one who hooked is up?) Was I expecting him to be something that he wasn't? I don't know but it was an awakening that I need to be more clear about why I want to go out with someone, why they want to go out with me, and what eachother is expecting from the date. Maybe it's overly protective of myself but if I'm not strong for myself and make the decisions.. Then someone is going to take advantage of my outgoing, bubbly, loving demeanor!!


3 - own up to my mistakes was a big lesson here! Even in my day to day life, I run away from a lot of my issues (not relating to sexual health). I hate confrontation and frankly hate to hurt people's felings!! But, I knew in my heart that I had to own up no matter how much it hurt or embarrassed me! I feel confident for making the call because at the end of the day... I am not that person to sleep around and keep my H a secret.. Because we know those people are out there!


There's something to learn from all of this and even though I'd give the world to go back in time to say no to the date, I have to be grateful for the hard lesson and also thankful for each and every one of your comments! They are all valid and I thank everyone for their perspective.

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Honey - you are one smart chick. It takes a lot to be able to read this kind of thread and take the lessons from ALL the perspectives .... I promise you, it shows that you are the kind of girl that most "real" men (not the one's looking for that notch on their conquest counter) are looking for... and that attitude of accountability and integrity (which includes cleaning up messes when you make them, no matter how awkward/painful it may be) won't go unnoticed.... I'm sure there's a guy out there searching for you right now ;)


(((HUGS))) and well done!

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