Regrets

[kbean1818]

I found out a few days ago that outbreak and extreme pain I was in were in fact my worst nightmare! And all at once the feelings of regret, shame, and hurt all came to me and took me by storm. I wish I could go back and I wish there was so much I could change! From going to an 8 year relationship and being engaged to being betrayed and having to walk away from the most important relationship of my life to being single and lost! I just feel like my feeling of self worth and love for myself was no longer there! Now with this I feel even worse! I feel lost and like I will be unwanted for the rest of my life... I feel not good enough. It's been the longest weeks of my life and I don't even know what to do next or where to start!

[MMissouri]

First of all, anyone dealing with what you have mentioned would feel lost. Your feelings are normal. You've hinted at the situation but haven't really given the details, and this is much more than a herpes diagnosis, so I'm going to wing it here.

 

Something that stands out about your post is "having to walk away from the most important relationship of my life". Something I've learned on this forum is, the most important relationship of your life should be the relationship with yourself. So, you've left this relationship, for a good reason I'm thinking? And if that is so, then as much as it hurts, you know it was the right thing to do for you. That doesn't make it easier, I get that, but for whatever reason- it needed to be done.

 

As for the h diagnosis. Try looking at it from a different perspective. Your worst nightmare? Surely that isn't true? Think about that for a minute...really think about that. I can think of many worse things than H.

 

Like I said in the beginning, your feeling are normal. Where do you go from here? You heal. Life changes, don't regret the past- learn from it and move on. Unfortunately in life we lose people we love, it's just a part of the process. There are people out there to love and that will love you in return. You are not worthless and unwanted. You may not see that yet, but you will..

 

 

[PositivelyBeautiful]

MMissouri made a good assumption here... the pain you are feeling, 1- is normal, and 2- stems much deeper than the herpes diagnosis. Look, life is completely unpredictable, and we do the best that we can with what we know and believe at the time. You did your best, and it's not your fault that your relationship failed, that you were betrayed or that you ended up with this skin condition.

 

This probably feels like the lowest point in your life, but you know what? that means there is only up from here! It's ok to hurt, and cry and be angry, take the time to feel all those emotions... but don't get stuck there. Life is far too beautiful to dwell in a negative place. Find help if you need it, don't be scared to ask others for support, do what it takes to get yourself back in a place that gives you the opportunity to live and love fully. No one can help you make this pain go away, it's all up to you to work through the emotions, to forgive yourself for the decisions you made, to accept the reality of life today, and then choose to move forward by fully accepting and loving yourself as you are. I know it's almost impossible to understand, but you WILL become stronger, more empowered and gloriously more happy than you were ever before. There is a silver lining in this heartache, but it's probably too fresh for you to see it right now... You will find love, someone will tell you one day that you are an amazing person, and nothing will stop them from being with you. That is likely something you ex fiance never was able to give you. But right now, it's all about you.

 

Take time to heal... you can do this, and you will be ok. I promise. If nothing here helps you, know that the depths of our pains are equivalent to the heights of joys... that when you do get through this, thriving in life and feeling tremendously happy again, you will be supremely grateful... only because you have known this depth pain. Here are a few quotes for you.. sending you lots of love.

 

 

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

 

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

 

- Kahlil Gibran

 

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

 

- Kahlil Gibran

 

The Void

It's that place in our lives where what we've been hanging onto . . . clinging to for dear life . . . is stripped away. It's that place in us where we let go of what we know, what we think we know, and what we want and surrender to the unknown. It is the place of saying and meaning, 'I don't know.' It means standing there with our hands empty for a while, sometimes watching everything we wanted disappear; our self image, our definition of who we thought we should be, the clones we've created of ourselves, the people we thought we had to have, the things we thought were so important to collect and surround ourselves with, the job we were certain was ours, the place we thought we'd live in all our lives. . . Surrender control to the supreme wisdom and authority of the universe and to the divine in your soul. Step into the void with courage. Learn to say, I don't know. That's not blind faith. It's pure faith that will your spirit to lead you wherever your soul wants and needs to go.

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@kbean1818

 

Hello and Welcome friend!

 

Something that stands out about your post is "having to walk away from the most important relationship of my life". Something I've learned on this forum is, the most important relationship of your life should be the relationship with yourself. So, you've left this relationship, for a good reason I'm thinking? And if that is so, then as much as it hurts, you know it was the right thing to do for you. That doesn't make it easier, I get that, but for whatever reason- it needed to be done.

 

This totally nails it on the head. From what you said, this guy was a jerk and totally lacks integrity ... so why would you want to be with him. Yes, you feel betrayed. But also, be thankful that you don't have a kid with him that would tie you to him. Be thankful that you found out now, and not after you got married. Be thankful that he finally showed his colors and got out of your life. You see, life throws us all crap along the way. We have the CHOICE to either learn the lessons from each experience, or use that experience as an excuse for everything that goes wrong in the future.

 

And yes, right now you need to grieve. You need to FEEL all the feelings, acknowledge them, process them, and work through them. So right now, let the pain come out. Cry when you need to. Rant on here when you need to. Let this bring out all your stuffed down pain... because if you don't, it will always be there as a barrier to love and happiness in the future.

 

As for herpes? Well, yes, there's this stigma attached to it. But tell me, if your BEST friend came to you and told you they had it, would you suddenly label him/her as dirty, disgusting, unlovable, or anything that you are telling yourself that you are right now? Somehow I doubt it. So get in front of a mirror right now, and talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend. Tell that person in the mirror how wonderful she is. How beautiful she is. How she IS good enough. How herpes doesn't change WHO she is. Do that every day until you realize that the person staring back at you IS your best friend ;)

 

Yes... this may be the lowest point of your life ... but that means you have had a blessed life! Really, there are sooo many things that can happen to people in their life that challenge their faith.

 

Cancer. I have a 40 something yr old friend who had Non-hodgkins lymphoma ... went through the whole chemo Tx ... and one week before she would be declared in remission, they found a different cancer in her intestines and she had her whole large intestine removed. She's back teaching dance and loving every minute with her new grandbaby

.

Car accidents - or other accidents ... I have a client whose husband is a quadriplegic from a sports accident. I also lost a 32 yr old friend - one of the most amazingly funny and beautiful young women I've ever known, to a car accident and was there to help her aging mother through the grief process of losing her only daughter.

 

House Fires - my ex hubby lost almost everything 2 years ago to a house fire.... when he was in the middle of defending himself against an accusation that could have put him in jail and that, even tho he was found innocent, cost him his job.

 

Dealing with aging spouses/parents - my father nursed my mother for 8 yrs after she had a stroke until she died. He remarried, had 10 good years before my Step-mom had to be put in a dementia unit because of Alzheimers ... he in the meantime has dealt with a quadruple bypass, several stents, 2 pacemakers, and a lot of paranoia. I go down to see him every few months to make sure he's ok.

 

Get where I'm coming from? Life WILL have these low points. And it's up to us to be kind to ourselves while we grieve and process the pain, AND to get pick ourselves back up after an appropriate time and get back in the game of life. Because really, what other choice do we have? The other option is to remain miserable and cut off from others, and who wants that???

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/kintsukuroi-celebrating-in-your-brokenness/

[HotToddyNightMO]

I couldn't have said anything better... just wanted to echo what has already been said here. Perhaps the most important relationship in your life to this point... but life goes on, and YOU are your most important relationship.

 

The one harsh truth I learned in my 20's, and continue to tell everyone today (I'm just diagnosed with HSV-1 at 44 years old) is that the only person you can really depend on in life for your needs is YOURSELF. Everyone will let you down at some point. When you accept that, it's very freeing and empowering.

 

Take care of you.

[kbean1818]

Thank you everyone I guess that little bit has deffinately been an up and down roller coaster! I have some really bad days and days where I feel like I can do this I have been through so much worse and where I know I could at this point in my life have it way worse! It's just taking some time for me to let go of the hurt and anger and focus on myself! Thank you all for the advice it means a lot!

[WCSDancer2010]

Everyone will let you down at some point. When you accept that, it's very freeing and empowering.

 

 

Just want to address this @HotToddyNightMO

 

While you have definitely got on the right track here, this statement will keep you limited in your freedom and empowerment. You see, it's not necessarily true ... AND, the majority of the time, the reason that people "let you down" is you have expectations/attachments about who they "should" be, what they "should" do, and so on. Check this article out - I turn to it all the time when I am getting frustrated with how I believe things "should" be :)

 

http://zenhabits.net/zen-attachment/

[HotToddyNightMO]

@wcsdancer2010 no you're absolutely right. :-)

[fitgirl]

@wsdancer....nice to see you still in the trenches of this forum and always giving positive and heartwarming advice. Your patience and love for all of the souls you help is impressive. I want to reiterate your sentiments. Believing that you will be let down by others can become a self fulfilling prophecy. As you say, our expectations of others and our assumption that they will let us down becomes a barrier and will most certainly lead to disappointment. If we can stop projecting our fears and insecurities on others and open up enough to be vulnerable and accept unconditional love, we would be surprised how many people are actually supportive, loving and genuine human beings. It seems to me, there are a lot of those people on this forum......

[seeker]

better to have loved and lost....

 

than to have to live with that F-ing psycho for the rest of your life.