I want to follow up with a disclosure

[val]

My first disclosure was obviously vulnerable and scary. I did the very best that I could and I'm proud of the way my first disclosure went. However I do know that some things could have went a lot smoother and I was wondering what opinion any of you would have on a follow up message. This guy is so nice and we have a close mutual friend. I really like him but my heart isn't set on him so seeing him in the future would be fine for me unless he never gives me an answer. I know it's not my job to do the right thing by me for him, but it was my job to make this informational bomb as easy to digest as possible. With that said I was thinking of messaging him this:

 

"If I told you--that because my disclosure to you was my first time disclosing to anyone, and because of that it could have gone exponentially smoother due to nerves and fears and insecurities. That if I had it to do over I wouldn't have made it such a serious thing for your benefit, because it was only a serious thing because I had never told someone who was trying to sleep with me before. That I could have presented it in a way where I was just telling you that I didn't think either one of us was ready for sex with each other yet and that I'd like it if we continued the dates and getting to know one another and that maybe after that we could come back to the serious part of it or that we could decide we would work better as friends--if I had told you all that, do you think that it would have taken away from all the pressure of it?

 

I'm really sorry, I really do understand that, the way I went about it was really messy and stressful. Like I said, first time, congrats on being so nice that I trusted you enough for that.

 

Anyways, I don't want this to be some big awkward choice or life decision, and I was so nervous that I made it into just that. If you'd like to pursue something with me that's not sexual for now, and really get to know me, and come back to all this later, I'd like that. If you'd like to be just friends I'd like that too. Just please don't feel pressured and please don't feel like you have to avoid me. I'm a big girl, there won't be any hard feelings."

 

The poor guy has never been faced with this and looking back I just know I put a lot of pressure on this conversation because I felt so much pressure to have to do it and to do it right. I was terrified, I'm sure he was scared. Anyways, I may have herpes, but I'm still just a young girl who over analyzes everything haha. I'll grow out of that one day right?

 

Opinions and suggestions appreciated!!

[jl13]

First of all, congrats on your first disclosure, even if you are still nervous about it. It's a big deal to us, and it's ok that you made it a big deal, because it is! You are trusting this guy that you like with sensitive information. So it's ok that you were nervous and scared and that's nothing you should apologize for.

 

As a girl who also overanalyzes everything, I understand you wanting to message him. My general opinion is if it will make you feel better to lay everything out on the line and know that you said what you wanted to say to him, then do it. If it gives you peace of mind then do it! BUT go through all the possible outcomes in your head and make sure you are ok with them. Best possible outcome is that he will say he just needed some time to think and would love to see you again. Another outcome is saying you are great but he doesn't think he wants to take the risk. Another outcome is just ignoring your message all together. I have had a lot of experience with the guy just not writing back for no apparent reason and it sucks every single time. The no response is the worst because then you are left thinking what happened and what did I do wrong. In this case, you might blame your diagnosis. But don't. If he doesn't want to be with you because you have HSV, then eventually he would have faded into the background anyways. Even the nice guys don't feel the need to provide the explanation that we sometimes need and while it doesn't tear them up, it tears us up.

 

So in general, if you think that it will make you feel better by messaging him, go for it. But if it doesn't work out, then as much as he seems worth it, he's not. You will find someone that is worth it. I know it seems impossible at times. I go through the my life is over, and I will never find anyone meltdowns in my head. I'm only a little less than a year into being officially diagnosed. I cope with it a little better now, but when it comes to dating, it still stresses me out. But it stressed me out before!! Good luck! Hopefully it works out!

[WCSDancer2010]

I personally think that is a beautiful follow up ... genuine and from the heart. If nothing else hopefully you will end up with a good friend who is far better informed about these things than he was before... and with luck, you may end up with someone who really values you enough to not care about the risks...

 

And if he doesn't respond to that, you will know he's just not capable of dealing with stressful issues and thus not someone for you to have in your inner circle anyways...

 

I'd send it.. :)

[2Legit2Quit]

How long has it been since you disclosed? Have you not heard from him? Is this why you're anxious and want to send a follow up message?

[val]

Thank you @jl13 and @wcsdancer2010 !! It sincerely means so much to be able ask people other than my H- friends.

 

@2legit2quit I disclosed Sunday. He has a busy job so I was going to give him a week before a follow up. But yes I suppose the amount of time that has passed has made me anxious but also, we have the same close friend and I talked to her last night. I know the way I did it, although I was proud, I think I kind of put him on the spot. I'm not even ready to sleep with him in general and after the disclosure, I basically said "you ready for a long term intimate relationship?" I mean I didn't really but looking back, I was so nervous and afraid of rejection, I didn't word that part well. I guess I want to follow up to let him know that I'm not saying I am expecting him to immediately sleep with me or be my boyfriend, just that I was disclosing the hsv and that we should take our time. I was just so nervous and sort of all over the place. Now that I've had a few dad to gather myself, I see that I put a lot of pressure on his side.

 

Honestly, after diagnoses, did yall find that it hsv forces you to take things slow, the way you should regardless of your sexual health? It's a weird, annoying blessing I guess.

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

It's such a scary thing to disclose!

 

I think what you wrote is really nice. The ONLY thing I can say is that if you feel like you put a ton of pressure on the disclosure, made it a "big" deal when you were just intending to inform him, the slightly more straightforward the follow up, the better (?) ..

 

I think your last paragraph is basically perfect. But that's not saying the rest of it isn't great too! Say what you want to say, but remember that all you really want to tell him is "hey made that disclosure seem like it was a decision time. it wasn't. i like you and want to keep seeing you, but this is your call!"

 

Good luck :)

[val]

@nothinggoodgetsaway you're right! That is so true. I will do some editing!

[2Legit2Quit]

I see and that makes sense. I think it's a good idea to explain yourself and things didn't come out quite how you'd hoped, due to nervousness and you just wanted to inform him, not out him on the spot to make a decision about a committed relationship now, etc. how long have you two been seeing one another before disclosure?

 

Yes, it diedoess force you to slow things down, but I think it's on the positive side in what we allow to come into our lives. Does it make you feel as if your sexual freedom is lost and you can't just jump in the sack w someone? Yes, but in the grand scheme of things, isn't it better we don't do that anyway, even w out H? Better for us physically and mentally, especially for most ladies.

[jl13]

@val - It def makes us slow things down! Which is like you said, an annoying blessing! I was seeing a guy (the first after being diagnosed) and it had been a few weeks, so I got a prescription for valtrex and did a ton of research so when I felt comfortable I could disclose to him and tell him I had all the bases covered and what not. There were a few times I could have slept with him, but I said I wasn't ready just yet, when really I just wasn't ready to tell him bc I didn't know how he would react and if he were dating only me. Things started to fade and turns out he met someone else and decided not to tell me and to just fade out without explanation. I found out he was dating someone else when they showed up at the same bar as me on New Years Eve. Awesome. So if I didn't have H and had slept with him, he would have stopped talking to me for her anyways. So while I liked him and wanted to sleep with him, I'm glad I didn't bc it would have sucked a whole lot more had I slept with him!

 

I think your follow up will ease your mind! So keep us posted on how it goes! :)

[val]

Ok! Final draft! @jl13 @2legit2quit @wcsdancer2010 @nothinggoodgetsaway

 

After an extra early morning, and the first one since disclosure that I haven't woken up and prayed for more sleep, I decided that I would reword my follow up. I like this guy in the chemical sense but I realized that if this is how he will handle issues in the future (to go off radar completely except for his funny memes he posts on Facebook daily) then I am not willing to pursue an intimate relationship. I am happy to give a man time and space to figure things out but not at my emotional expense. Thank yall so much for the advice and kindness. It's easy with H to feel like you are the only person in the world. That all being said, here is my final draft and I sent it out already. We will see!!

 

"I'm really sorry about the way I handled things last week. It was my first time telling anyone and I was so nervous because it was such a hard thing for me to do, I know I basically laid it out like it was this huge decision that needed to be made immediately. I really do understand that, the way I went about it was really messy and stressful. Like I said, first time, congrats on being so nice that I trusted you enough for that.

 

Anyways, I didn't mean for this to be some big awkward choice or life decision, and I was so nervous that I made it into just that. What I was trying to say way if you'd like to pursue something with me that's not sexual for now, and really get to know me, and come back to all this later, I'd like that. But that first conversation was scary for me so i managed to deliver it with too much pressure. I'm really sorry for that, please just understand that it was less about the pressure I was putting on you and more about what I was putting on myself.

 

Anyways, again I'm so sorry and I'd like to just be friends if you'd be interested."

[val]

Ok he answered and admitted that maybe he wasn't handling it very well and that he thought I did just fine. He took my out that I offered on being friends and didn't mention anything about dating. It's good practice I guess!!

[jl13]

@val - very good practice! i'm glad he answered you! he could have just ignored, so that's great! how are you feeling about it?

[fitgirl]

@val that was epic. You did exactly what your soul felt you should do. That's a victory. Feel good about that and be proud. I have always believed that over sharing is far better than under sharing. At least you leave it all on the table. Not every one will pick up what you are putting down but that is the reality of life.... its not even about herpes. This has been a huge learning experience for you, that is worth its weight in gold. Keep going, be proud.... you have done a stellar job being YOU.

[WCSDancer2010]

Sounds like you had the perfect ending ... for all involved. And you got your first disclosure out of the way, and got experience, and with someone you realized isn't someone you are worried about losing. Couldn't have been better, eh?

 

And yes, I tell people all the time that Herpes is your Wingman ... it makes you slow down and it forces others to show their true selves. Both of which will help you to be steered towards healthier relationships all around you :)

 

Well done friend! Proud of you!

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

 

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial