The Unfairness of It All!

[livelifegolden]

Hey everyone, I'm fairly new to the forum and I thought my first post should be my story.

 

I was diagnosed with HSV2 in June. It all started when I decided to end my relationship with my then boyfriend of 2 years that December. I felt smothered and generally unhappy in the relationship, so when we broke up, I decided to throw caution to the wind and do what I wasn't free to do in that relationship. I am a 20 year old college student, so when summer came I started, going out more, drinking more, talking to a number of different guys.

 

It was this one guy though. My Bestfriend (well ex-bestfriend now) of 8 years actually. He had recently told me how he felt about me before my bf and I broke up and he kinda was that push I needed to re-evaluate that situation. Anyways, we started hanging out more and he eventual one thing lead to another. He became my second sex partner. I thought I could trust him, being that we were friends for so long but I was terribly wrong. He gave me H and I was not mad at him at first, I mean after all he seemed like he was unaware that he had it. I did get furious though by the way he handled the situation after I told him. He was not supportive at all. My best friend was not there for me. He left me high and dry. And I mean it wouldn't bother me as much if it was just some random dude but 8 years of friendship and he decided to leave me to deal with this on my own.

 

So now I have H. And I feel that its not fair. Its not fair that the second person I chose to sleep with gave me a forever disease. Its not fair that I was unsupported through my situation. Its not fair that my love life is going to be more complicated. Its not fair that every time I meet a guy I like the dreadful thought of disclosure crosses my mind.

 

Even though, like many of you, I was dealt the H card, I'm not going to let it consume my life. I'm trying everyday to be at peace with having H. And one day I pray that I can turn this into something positive and empowering. But today I'm just taking it one day at a time.

[2Legit2Quit]

So sorry, I can only imagine the betrayal being even worse since he was your best friend. Did he ever go get tested to validate? His behavior to the situation sounds a bit strange to me and kinda suspicious.. Alas, nothing can be changed now. I know how you feel and we all feel that way. On someone who can't control H, not even on daily meds, so it's even more complicated for me, but I realize after the things I've been through, there are so many worse things than H andbi have symptoms daily. Just be patient and deal w the things one day at a time like you said.

[livelifegolden]

He got tested a few days after I told him and the test came back positive. Which I knew it would because me and my ex was each other's first and there was no cheating on either our parts.

[2Legit2Quit]

So what was his reaction?

[livelifegolden]

Nothing really, I had to keep bugging him to get the results in the first place. I asked him and he sent me a plus sign in a text to tell me he was positive. After that conversation I never heard from him again. I found out about a week later that he had gotten back with his ex-girlfriend, who he swore he couldn't stand and didn't love. I never wanted a relationship with him because frankly we are on different levels in life but I did still want to be friends and be there to support each other like always. But he just dropped me like a bad habit after the test results.

[2Legit2Quit]

Sounds like he knew or at least suspected he had it all along and he doesn't want to deal w the guilt of being there to support you. He doesn't want to deal w his selfish consequencess a d bolted. He's not your friend. Be happy he's out your life.

[fyrefenyx]

I'm finding that H is a wingman in any situation: whether it be with friends/family or relationships. Yes, it hurts with the loss, feeling of rejection, and abandonment but 2 legit is right: you saw his true colors. **hugs*~~Tina

[hippyherpy]

Life is "unfair". We get old. We get cancer or things like that which are a lot worse than herpes. Don't whine about getting herpes. It's just a reminder that we aren't here forever and that you have to make the most if your time while you are alive.

 

Also, a lot of people have herpes. Probably a bunch of people you know have it but they haven't told you about it.

 

Do what you need to do to keep your partners as "safe" as possible and get on with your life.

[2Legit2Quit]

@hippyherpy bro, lol... You gotta learn to watch how you word things. You give advice to females very insensitively and it's not taken well. You can't tell people they're whining, we all feel things differently and that's shaming them, which we don't do here. Please be more conscious of your wording.

[hippyherpy]

@hippyherpy bro, lol... You gotta learn to watch how you word things. You give advice to females very insensitively and it's not taken well. You can't tell people they're whining, we all feel things differently and that's shaming them, which we don't do here. Please be more conscious of your wording.

 

I hear what you are saying and I'm not trying to shake ante. Sim more interested in moving forward in a positive way because there's nothing can be changed either herpes. What's done is done and it is a waste of time and energy to complain having gotten it.

 

There's no way to get past in then to just accept it and move on with life. I understand that it's new - it's still new for me. Life is just not fair in general. That's the point if my post.

[hippyherpy]

@hippyherpy bro, lol... You gotta learn to watch how you word things. You give advice to females very insensitively and it's not taken well. You can't tell people they're whining, we all feel things differently and that's shaming them, which we don't do here. Please be more conscious of your wording.

 

I hear what you are saying and I'm not trying to shame anyone. Sim more interested in moving forward in a positive way because there's nothing can be changed either herpes. What's done is done and it is a waste of time and energy to complain having gotten it.

 

There's no way to get past in then to just accept it and move on with life. I understand that it's new - it's still new for me. Life is just not fair in general. That's the point if my post.

[2Legit2Quit]

I get the point of your post, but you cannot tell others how to feel and to get over it, especially newly diagnosed.. You also forget that females tend to have severe primary obs, for those of us that have symptoms. Trust me, you have not experienced the physical pain the women do on their first OB. This is one of the driving factors to how it impacts them negatively. They fear like nobody's business the second OB. They fear all their obs are going to feel like that again. There are women on here who have had kids naturally, who have said they'd go through birth again, before an H OB. You have to allow newbies time to grieve. It doesn't mean they'll stay in this place forever, but w all due respect, you're a bit of an anomaly of the average male and females attitude is like. You can come off at times very polarising and don't use emotion from what I can tell in pretty much any area of life for the most part. That's unusual and females are very emotional. You just discussed this on another post about the difference between men and women. I think if it's hard to word things kindly, as much as your intentions may be good just refrain because you can be a trigger at times, even when you mean well for people. <3

[WCSDancer2010]

@hippyherpy

 

Please have some COMPASSION for others who are in their first weeks/months of dealing with this. I've had to curb others around their "judgements" concerning YOUR lifestyle on here, so I'm going to ask you to curb your "judgement" of someone who is struggling with their diagnosis.

 

I don't disagree with you that life "isn't fair". The only thing in life that is "fair" is my foundation...LOL ... BUT, to tell someone to basically suck it up and get over it is putting YOUR judgement on how they *should* be going through their experience. We all have to work through our diagnosis in the best way that we can, and I've found that I *generally* get better results with love, support, compassion, and patience than I do by telling someone to just get over it.

 

Now, I *have* occasionally dispensed my infamous "Tough Love" if someone is sitting in a pity party for a long time, but I'm a moderator and have been doing this for a long time....I think long and hard before I pull out the "Tough Love" card. Certainly a person's first post is NOT the time to tell them to get over it.

 

So, I'm going to respectfully ask that if you can't come on here from a place of compassion, support, and love, when someone is having a bad day.pity party/whatever, then perhaps it's best that you pass on commenting on that post. Please and thank you.

[hippyherpy]

I hear that. If the first outbreak is so bad, then doesn't that mean there is some validity to the stigma?

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

@livelifegolden You are not alone in this "the unfairness of it all!" I had a VERY similar situation - I'm almost 30, and spent 4 years with the man that was my first. I had a protected experience with someone, and then with a very good friend of mine had an unprotected experience. The "unfairness" comes in when we feel like we know all of these other people that have done the EXACT same thing as us, and didn't suffer any consequences.

 

I've told my story to nearly all of my girlfriends, and ALL of them have had unprotected encounters with someone that they trusted. They never got anything, and they've had far more partners than I have.

 

You're right, it's not fair. It sucks. But H doesn't come as a "punishment." It is not a something that you get because you had many many partners - it's something that you get because in that moment, on that day, the person you were with was either having an outbreak or shedding. And that is literal luck, and that is the definition of being unlucky.

 

It's not fair. And it's okay to feel that way. But there is a ton of unfairness in life, and this helped show me how lucky I was in other ways. The fact that I've had love, that I have a great job, amazing friends, and my whole family. Everyone I know has their health, including me (minus my little friend). I totally agree with you trying to find positivity out of this. Try to find all the things in your life that makes your life great, and cherish those things like you didn't have a chance to before.

 

I'm sorry that your friend is retreating back to his ex. It sounds like he's ashamed, embarrassed, and honestly probably afraid of his own diagnosis, so he's going back to the familiar (even though he knows it's not right).

[2Legit2Quit]

@hippyherpy yws, I would agree it dies add to it. As all descriptions in text book, state that they're painful sores. Usually that's mainly the primary OB that's that painful. I have one bump on the inside of my labia for the first time in like 7 months and it doesn't hurt, but is tender if I touch it. So after the primary it's not as painful, although I have symptoms daily... But yes... Those who get "classic symptoms" which are described in medical text, does say it's painful. So of Course it has worse of a stigma than HPV.

[hippyherpy]

Well then I'm getting mixed messages here. If herpes is really that bad, then it makes sense that people are going to stigmatize it. I'd be curious to know for how many people it is bad vs other number of people for which it is mild like mine was or Asymptomatic.

[2Legit2Quit]

Statistic's say 80% are asymptomatic and/or so mild, it's not noticeable. 20% of us are symptomatic. An even smaller percentage have major issues like myself.

[WCSDancer2010]

Well then I'm getting mixed messages here. If herpes is really that bad, then it makes sense that people are going to stigmatize it. I'd be curious to know for how many people it is bad vs other number of people for which it is mild like mine was or Asymptomatic.

 

We have always said the stigma is mostly around the IGNORANCE. The stigma is around FEAR. The stigma is around our sex-negative culture that is founded in our Puritanical Forefathers who have driven into our psyche that these things happen to us as "punishment" for being "dirty", "slutty", and "loose" .... so that even if someone gets it and they only had a couple lovers, they FEEL dirty, slutty, and like they are being punished.

 

And finally, the stigma is around the SILENCE. Silence produces FEAR, IGNORANCE, and a feeling that people are ALONE in their experience.

 

Just look at anyone with Psoriasis - many will look at someone with big plaques and pull away, cringe, and even avoid the person with it. The person themselves will hide the plaques with long sleeves and often will avoid going out in public. There is a stigma - even though it may not be the same as with Herpes - but it's there. And Psoriasis isn't even a transmittable condition!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But fear and ignorance makes people do a lot of really unkind and nasty things and there are TONS of things that have some kind of stigma attached to them.

[livelifegolden]

@hippyherpy Last time I checked this post was posted under the My herpes story discussion. This is my story, I have a right to post my truth and my feelings on the situation in whatever manner I choose. As for my title and the contents of this post, I was not in any way whining. I was expressing my feeling on MY situation. I am aware that life is indeed unfair and nothing in this post suggested that it should be. But when it comes to herpes and my story regarding it I FELT the need to STATE THE OBVIOUS. That herpes is unfair. That the fact that many of us TRUST our partners and their past decisions when we submit our bodies to them and we end up with this disease that has the power to make us feel LESS THAN. So please don't brush this off as a "life is unfair" and "so what you have herpes" kind of thing, because if it was that simple or that easy, this forum wouldn't be here and you would not be on it.

[livelifegolden]

@2Legit2Quit I appreciate your support and I realized that he isn't my friend and I have long since moved on :)

[2Legit2Quit]

@livelifegolden good response. I hope you're feeling better.

[WCSDancer2010]

@livelifegolden

 

Glad you came back, and great response :)

 

Unfortunately, a forum like this challenges people in many ways, and one of the OPPORTUNITIES for all of us is to learn how to support others in a positive manner, how to temper our judgements, and how to not take things personally.

 

The following is not just for you LLG - it's for anyone reading this because this is sooo important for people to get:

 

When someone talks to ME like HH did, I know that it is FAR more of a reflection of that person than it is about me. I tell people all the time: if someone responds negatively to you after disclosure, it shows you (depending on exactly how they respond) who THEY are in a way you often won't see for months or even years of dating. Same with friends: your good friends won't bat an eye and will be there for you 110%... those who pull away don't love you UNCONDITIONALLY and they are not your REAL friends.

 

Point being: When a person responds or approaches you in a negative way, or they tell you to "get over it" when you are struggling, or whatever.... it's easy to take that personally. Don't. That person is just showing you their own negative traits - lack of patience, "conditional" love (I will support you if you are *this* way), lack of empathy, intolerance, the need to be "right", etc etc etc. When you can GET this to your SOUL, life gets a whole lot nicer because you don't agonize or get hurt by the words of others.

 

AND

 

That doesn't mean that sometimes we don't need straight talk. Sometimes we *need* to be told to stop and consider how we are acting. But that generally should come from someone who KNOWS you and TRULY loves you or has worked with you (ie therapist) and who sees a pattern and wants to help you to break free from it. But if you get something like this from a stranger? Kick some dirt over that shit and move on. It's not YOUR shit coming out in that situation, it's THEIRS :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[hippyherpy]

I didn't mean what I said with malice. Maybe there is some communication lost over typing but essentially I was trying to say that, for me, the biggest problem with herpes so far has been the shock of getting it because I was completely wrong about the risks and didn't think I'd get it.

 

I understand that different people are going to react differently to the infection as far as symptoms go.

 

What I was trying to say was don't sweat the small stuff in life (if you have a similar physical reaction to what I've had so far), and it's OK to vent, but to not get bogged down in the negative aspect of finding out have herpes.

 

To me, nature in general doesn't care about fairness. The cognitive dissonance happens when think it's one way that is actually different from reality. That was what shocked me when I got my diagnosis. Then I looked at the numbers and realized that so many people have it, 1/4 in some areas of the country, that it wasn't out of the question for me to get it, especially considering how promiscuous I've been- I realized I should have gotten it a long time ago.

 

No hard feelings. I think it's important to focus energy into building something positive for the future, because we have limited time on this planet in general and have to make the most of it.

[2Legit2Quit]

@hippyherpy and that reply, is the type if stuff we're looking for from you! Well done!

 

So take it from someone who can be very brash and forward, has a hard time beating around the bush all in the name of political correctness. I have had to learn to curb myself a lot. Shit, I still have moments and @wcsdancer2010 has worked w me a lot to change how I've been. I think that this is a great learning opportunity for you, to learn to empathize more and be careful w the words you choose, just like I am learning. This forum allows for all sorts of growing opportunities, that apply outside of our diagnosis. Take advantage of that, as I have.