help! I'm such a bad person what can I do to put this right?!

[Geminij]

I'm out of control. It's official, my ex has moved on. And I'm losing control more and more as time goes on.

I'm getting sooooo drunk- that I'm completely out of control and doing things that I'm waking up and regretting. I had sex (unprotected) with a sore on me.

 

Disgusted with myself.

 

Of course the poor guy didn't/ doesn't know. I drunkenly made him stay 'away' from that area. (We did behind position). I said no but it happened. I'm not saying that it happened against my will. But more because I was so drunk and floppy that I just couldn't stand by my decision of saying no and it happened. I just did it.

 

I'm mortified and don't even want to leave the house. Having nightmares about him calling me and telling me I gave him H. Like the dude that gave it to me.

 

I'm absolutely ashamed of myself and don't know what to do. Help! I've never felt this bad I know I'm a bad person

[hippyherpy]

It sounds like you are angry and taking out on other people. It will only create a feedback loop. First of all, sober up. Take a break from drinking.

[Geminij]

I'm not taking it out on innocent people! I'm just having sec like I did before I got H

[Sil88]

At this stage, you just need to make sure it doesn't happen again. By addressing the hurt caused by the situation with your ex, and avoiding alcohol for a while. It's good that you feel mortified, and let's hope it was a one-off. You didn't convince me he was completely innocent in this though. I mean, you shouldn't have to force a 'no' through, so long as it's audible. Agree with HH - sober up, sleep it off. How long ago did it happen?

[hippyherpy]

She said it didn't happen against her will.

[Sil88]

You can infer lots of things from the post. "I said no but it happened".

 

I'm not calling for his head, but it would make me feel less personally responsible for any unfortunate results. Depends how exactly it happened.

[Katidid]

Def sober up, get on anti viral and carry condoms with you if you are going to continue to have sex like you always did. At least you recognize what you did was wrong, so it's not all bad. Maybe you can call the guy and give him a heads up. You would feel better about yourself and he will learn a valuable lesson.... to practice safe sex.

[Geminij]

It wasn't against my will. That's not what I'm saying here. I don't feel violated by him. It shouldn't have happened. I just feel really bad and know I'll beat myself up about this for a long time...

[Bambina3]

So the bottom line is you feel bad for not disclosing?

That is an issue I also struggle with

Have you considered telling him, even though it's after the fact?

 

Drinking does not help anything, it's like a temporary bandaid in my opinion, once you sober up everything is still there, only with a headache

[desertlove]

You aren't a bad person, learn from this and never do it again. Let him know. It's the right thing to do.

[Geminij]

I can't! I just can't! I absolutely can not trust this guy. Which is why j shouldn't have slept with him in the first place. He's already told half the town that it happened...

 

I've just really messed up and I feel terrible I just wish I could go back in time and un do everything. I'm just going to be alone forever and I need to accept that i might never find love again and et over the fact that my ex has. It just feels so un-just. I know my depression is creeping up on me because I slept till 4pm on Sunday and then went back to sleep at 11.30pm and slept through till 7am for work this morning and I struggled to wake up- I just want to go home and go back to bed. All I do is sleep to try an escape feeling like this.

 

 

[Geminij]

Is what I've done illegal?! Omg this makes me feel sick

[WCSDancer2010]

@Geminij

 

OK friend..... BREATHE!!!! There's a number of things here that need to be addressed:

 

1) You are not a bad person. If you were, you wouldn't give a shit about what just happened. You sound like you are dealing with a DEEP depression and self medicating with alcohol. It's easy for people to say "just stop drinking" but it seems there's a LOT more here to deal with. I STRONGLY suggest that you get medical help for the depression.

 

In the meantime, don't let yourself get into situations where you might be tempted to drink. (ie, don't go to bars, or parties where drinking is likely to be the main focus). You are unlikely to make good decisions around that right now...so it's just best to avoid those situations where you might do something you will regret later.... (When I'm craving chips I refuse to allow them in the house because I *KNOW* I will eat them all in 1-2 sittings.... so I get how easy it is to "give in" when we are in a weak point in our lives)

 

2) STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR THE GUY!. Yes, you shouldn't have gotten into the situation. But you said, " I said no but it happened...I was so drunk and floppy that I just couldn't stand by my decision of saying no and it happened. I just did it. ". If you said no at all, then NO MEANS NO. I'm going to include a link to a video that explains the issue of "No" better than I can, but technically it sounds like you could call him out for date rape. If not, it's darned close.

 

3) On top of that, it sounds like he did nothing to try to protect himself with a condom, or to ask you about STD's or whatever. In that part, HE has some accountability in all this. Yes, you should have stopped him but it sounds like you were in no fit state to do so.

 

4) Personally, I believe you do have a responsibility to tell him. I know that likely scares the crap out of you given that he's telling everyone... but I'd approach it this way. I'd tell him that if he doesn't stop spreading crap, you are going to charge him with date rape because you were darned near black out drunk. Let him know that HE put you both into a compromising situation in several ways by taking advantage of your inebriated state.... then tell him that he needs to get tested because you are H+. You said no. You tried to stop him. He didn't stop. With all that in mind, you are BOTH responsible for the situation regarding his potential exposure to the H virus. Make it clear to him that if he tells ONE person that you have Herpes you will be seeing him in court with a date rape charge....I don't like having to get ugly like this but he sounds like a douch bag and this is likely the only way he will respect your privacy.

 

If you don't tell him and he comes up with H, odds are he will spread that around, so I'd be proactive if I was you over this.

 

Have you don't something illegal? In a handful of states, it's possible he could take you to court. But it's unlikely. ESPECIALLY if you let him know that if he thinks about it, he will have a counter-suit against him for date rape. To be honest, most people won't pursue a possible case in the states where the law allows it simply because THEIR sexual past will get put all over the table by your lawyers. And if the fact that you were shit faced drunk and said no came into the court, the case would get thrown out. So I wouldn't worry about that.

 

So - try to find a way to pull him aside, be prepared to stand up to him and let him know that you won't let him bully you or treat you with disrespect. To be honest, that right there would help to empower you to start working on your healing regarding to H and your depression.

 

And finally, you said iI just wish I could go back in time and un do everything. I'm just going to be alone forever and I need to accept that i might never find love again

 

We ALL have things we wish we could get a do-over with... and... HOW YOU ACT FROM THIS POINT FORWARD is what is important. Take it from someone who got HSV1 as a child (orally) and HSV2 on her first sexual experience (at 17).... you CAN and WILL find love ... but you have to learn to love YOURSELF first! I had a 20 yr marriage, and two 3 yr relationships since then ... Herpes wasn't an issue in any of those relationships. If anything H will help you pick BETTER men, but only once you stop the self destructive behaviors that are helping you to "prove" to yourself all those things you are beating yourself up over.

 

So please, get professional help for the depression. As for Herpes, @Adrial is a kick-ass coach around that stuff. He also has made some awesome Lifestyle guides if you would rather go at your own speed. There are 4 total and I can give you codes to get 25-50% off ... just put them into the coupon code box at checkout.

 

Here's the full page on the lifestyle guides:

https://herpesopportunity.com/lifestyle-guides.html

 

... and here are short descriptions of each guide:

 

Guide #1 Self Care and Self Image: shows you how to not only feel better about yourself and your future, but shift into a empowered and realistic mindset.

 

Guide #2 Dating and Relationships: is all about discovering how to make dating fun and free again (actually, even better than it was before H!).

 

Guide #3 Having “The Talk”: covers disclosing in a way that makes “the talk” something that brings you closer together instead of being a dealbreaker.

 

Guide #4 Sex and Intimacy: fulfills your desire to still have true, deep and profound connections (and shows you how).

 

Coupon codes: P25 is for 25% off and P50 is for 50% off their entire order.

 

I'm going to give you a few more links below as well that I hope will give you something to pull you up a bit for now.... but you sound like you need a bit more help than that... so I hope you will reach out for professional help as well...

 

(((HUGS)))

[WCSDancer2010]

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

Shame

 

Shame

 

Consent - this is VERY important for you to get that you did NOT consent to have sex with this guy...

 

[hippyherpy]

If I were you, I wouldn't go saying he raped me if, like you mentioned in your opening, that it wasn't against your will. You said here "I just did it" which implies that even though you were drunk, you had some agency and are taking some responsibility with regards to this as something you did instead of having had done to you.

 

In almost every situation, no definitely does mean no, but context is also very important. I don't think we are getting the full picture of what happened from your description.

 

"It wasn't against my will. That's not what I'm saying here. I don't feel violated by him."

 

I will give an extreme example of where actions seem to contradict spoken words: Imagine you are a guy, and there's a girl saying "no" while simultaneously guiding your penis into her vagina with her hand. Is that rape? Does no mean no there?

 

The way you describe it, and then re-described it a few posts later, it sounds like there was consent, even regardless of you saying "no". When did you say "no"? Was it earlier? Did you change your mind? Consent can be non-verbal. There are countless instances of people saying things like "we are not having sex" and then soon after they consent to sex non-verbally.

 

Were you saying "no" to him to tell him to stop or were you saying "no" thinking out loud about your own actions of having sex with this guy without telling him you have herpes?

 

Also, I don't think date rape charges should be used as a threat. If someone gets raped, they need to tell the authorities and not try to use it as some kind of leverage in a manipulative game. You don't hide rape charges "up your sleeve" like some some kind of trick card. Rape is a serious crime, and if someone rapes someone else, it is imperative for the person who got raped to contact the authorities, if anything, to help prevent it from happening to another person.

 

 

[Geminij]

Did he rape me? No.

Was I too drunk to give consent? ... I think so...

It shouldn't have happened. I'm not going to threaten or cry rape because I had sex with him. I wasn't physically forced I just kind of... Lay there and let it happen. I've never had sex with someone without a condom before unless they've been my long term boyfriend. I can vaguely remember me saying 'no way you have no condom' and then him saying are you on the pill to which I said no I'm not but somehow it happened??? I'm so disgusted with myself for getting so drunk. It's my fault. I have the implant contraceptive which means I can't get pregnant. The situation is that I don't feel that he raped me. I allowed myself to be in a situation. It's my fault. And ive probably given him H.

 

I've not been to work since. And I'm just going to stay under the duvet for a few more days till this shame passes... Maybe two weeks then if I've not heard from him I'll feel like I got away with it. I didn't pass it. I'll deal with the rest..

[Sil88]

I was only mentioning the 'no' thing to remind you that you weren't entirely responsible for what may happen. Everyone has an opinion, and I know it goes against the forum stance.. but I think you're right not to speak up. If he's quite active, he may not be able to pinpoint who or when, and he seems to enjoy kiss and tell.. so I wouldn't trust him with that information. If it was anything more than a drunken night out, it'd be different.

[hippyherpy]

It's either one or the other. If he slipped you a roofie without you knowing and you were too drunk or screwed up to consent because of that, then that's considered rape.

 

If it was just a drunken hook-up, which happens all the time, that's different.

 

Here are some definitions of what defines rape under the law. I believe it is different state by state, but this for NY:

 

http://www.svfreenyc.org/survivors_legal.html

 

with regards to "no means no":

· Used to prosecute situations where lack of consent is clearly communicated by forcible compulsion is absent

· Applied to sex acts where the victim expressed that he or she did not consent to the sex act in such a way that a reasonable person would have understood those words or acts as expressing lack of consent

 

Mentally incapacitated:

Person is rendered temporarily incapable of understanding or controlling his or her conduct or communicating consent due to the influence of narcotic or an intoxicating substance administered without the person’s consent.

 

 

 

Anyway, from the way you've been talking about it across multiple posts, it sounds like you were ok with the act of having sex with him, and aren't even interested in taking him to court.

 

The guy doesn't sound too educated about the risk of STDs or just doesn't care. For all you know, he might have herpes already.

 

If I were you, I'd be more worried about my own health after hooking up with someone like that and then go and get screened for STDS. If you caught something lie HIV from him, then I think you'd have a good reason to go to court and should actually do that.

 

In the future, tell people. Don't be afraid to do it. I've disclosed successfully multiple times in the last half a year. Hell, I had two successful disclosures this last weekend. If I can do it, you can do it.

 

Also, who cares if you get rejected? I don't mean this in a "your feelings don't matter" kind of way, but rejection is a totally natural and expected part of life regardless of herpes- people get rejected all the time for myriad reasons. Just accept rejection as a possibility out come and be cool with that. There are always other fish in the sea to try it with. I'm not saying this about you, but I believe a lot of people these days are brought up in a bubble and don't what it's like to experience adversity and rejection in real life. Then when it hits, it's like the bubble has been burst.

 

But that's all that it ever was- a bubble. Rejection is good. Rolling with the punches builds character and can make you stronger. You will learn to see each rejection as a little drop of harmless rain instead of a lethal tidal wave.

[Sil88]

I think we've gotten sidetracked.. the point of the thread was dealing with the aftermath and feelings of guilt.

 

***nevermind, half of post was missing

[Geminij]

I'm feeling completely judged if I'm honest.

 

I've asked him if he put something in my drink. (He's a party guy). He said no I would never do that. He didn't seem too upset that if asked him. I'm not here to talk about whether i was or I wasn't able to consent- and I feel like this is what this topic Has turned into and I've clearly stated that is not what I'm here to talk about.

 

[Geminij]

I'm also in the uk. So state stuff is different for me

[hippyherpy]

What's done is done. I'd say focus on the future and disclose.

 

If you are in England, I think there are actual laws about not disclosing. I read an article about how some guy got locked up for a year because he didn't disclose in England. To me, that's crazy.

[Geminij]

Omg is that true?! Fuck this I don't even wanna deal anymore.

[Geminij]

Please please please can someone who is facts help me with this???? Please?! ;-(

[Sil88]

Hippy did post an article a while back, but I think it's less likely to be an issue here in the UK. People sue anyone for anything in the US.

 

When you think there were 32,000 new cases of GH last year, its very rare that it goes to court.