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Late disclosure after oral sex. Can I be forgiven?

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Hello. I'm new to the forum. I have been diagnosed with HSV1 & HSV2 for close to 20 years. I've been great about disclosing...until recently. I became involved with a man who is separated but still married about 5-6 weeks ago and emotions escalated quickly. We fell in love, yet I was extremely insecure with the relationship due to his marital status and him not making efforts to resolve that. It was shaky ground to say the very least and I have spent the last month or so feeling anxious and overwhelmed as this is new territory for me.

He has lyme disease and doesn't deal with stress very well so I gave him allowances for not having pushed forward with the divorce.

So here it comes...this past week things started to get physical. We had oral sex a few times (NO intercourse). I've been struggling to hold him off until his divorce was final. I did not want to disclose my H until he was through that phase. Plus, I truly didn't want to have sex with a married man. I came clean shortly thereafter and he is so disappointed in me and angry. He says I have lied and put him at risk and that he feels like a fool and cannot trust that anything I've said is real. I don't know how on earth I let this happen. It is truly out of character for me. I try so hard to live with integrity. And I've failed and lost someone I have deep feelings for. I cannot imagine all the things we've talked about in hopes of our future together, disintegrating because of my ignorance. It is affecting me physically. Can't eat, wake up in a full body sweat, and my stomach is burning constantly. I don't know how to make this right. He has completely shut me out. Is there anyone out there who has been forgiven for such a thing? Is there hope? And how on earth do I forgive myself for ruining what could've been the best thing that has happened to me?

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im the biggest advocate of disclosing, but there are quite a few reasons why you can calm down.


1) I assume you have both hsv1 and 2 in the normal place. The chance he contracts 2 from performing oral on you is pretty much 0. The chance you gave him genital 1 from oral is REALLY low if you didn't have a cold sore


2) I'm guessing you're at least 40 and probably older than that based on above. The chance he already has hsv1 is like 75% or something like that. I don't know the exact number but it is real high.


3) sounds like he doesn't have any symptoms, right??


4) someone who is sleeping around while he's still married has other things to worry about. I know that's a personal judgment but it counts for something.


All in all, the chance you gave him anything is REALLY REALLY LOW.

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Someone asked a very similar question of a herpes expert in a public forum. I'm hesitant to post the link here but will PM it to you. In short, the clinician who specializes in herpes thinks disclosing HSV2 prior to receiving oral sex is unimportant from a risk perspective, but still a very good idea in order to avoid future freak outs such as you have described. She also thinks a partner who reacts in this way is not an appropriate partner. This does not address the HSV1 risk, just the HSV2 risk. I will PM the link in case you find the context helpful.


Edit to add: The HSV2+ female who asked the question was taking antiviral medication. I don't know if that was a factor in why the clinician felt the risk was so low as to not be a concern for oral sex.

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Thank you all for your comments and support. I do feel better after knowing the chances are extremely low that he would've gotten anything from me. He had asked me a time or two if I had any STD's and out of being racked with fear and the short time I'd known him I did say no. I'm disappointed in myself for that as well. But I wasn't ready. He's holding on to the way I handled it as his reason for backing up on me.

I wish there were a way to make this a more accepted and understood STI so that people who are uneducated about it won't freak out and make us feel like freaks. Maybe then it wouldn't be so hard to tell and risk getting labeled as a liar on top of feeling like a leper. No one ever minds kissing you if you have a cold/ or a cold sore. Even if they get it. No big deal right? But move that to a magic part of your body and it's a whole different story.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Up to 80% of the population has HSV1 and up to 25% has HSV2. Roughly 1 in 5 people have HSV and up to 90% of those people don't know they have it because they get little or no symptoms. Most people don't even know that 99% of cold sores is herpes, nor do they know that there are 8 types of herpes, 1 of which results in Chicken Pox and ultimately again in Shingles. The stigma associated with herpes is so unwarranted.


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  • 2 weeks later...



I have a quick question about disclosure.


I had oral sex and intercourse with someone a week ago without a condom and afterwards she told me she had type-2 Genital Herpes. I went to get checked and the results were negative however I know that it usually takes 3-4 weeks to show up in your blood.


The woman has not had an outbreak for two months and has been on Valtrex for the same amount of time.


My question is can I have sex with other people while using protection or should I refrain from sex for 3-4 weeks till I get a second blood test? If I can then what do I say to the partner? I may or may not have it?


Any advice is welcome. Thank you.



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It can take up to 16 weeks to develop enough antibodies to show up on a blood test. Some people make antibodies faster than others. As to whether or not you need to disclose in the meantime, I think that's a question that only you can answer. Something to consider as you make that choice might be how you felt when this woman told you about her status after the fact.


Statistically speaking, transmission from a one-time encounter is pretty low, but it absolutely happens. Moreover, you're most "contagious" (I hate that word) when you're newly infected--especially in the first year.

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Thank you so much for a reply I have been obsessing over this all week and I dont know what to do. I feel like I have to lock myself away for weeks until I can get tested again and know the results.


I apperciate your advice. I probably should wait even though I hate putting my life on hold. It wouldn't be fair to anyone else if I end up having it and I know I was really hurt that she told me after the fact.Thank you again.

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