Should I see this man again? After herpes comment!

[Feelingblue]

Hi all, 

looking for dating advice! 

I broke up with my long term partner recently and it seems now is time to get on the wagon again (dread)!

i went on a date the other day with a lovely guy, works in the medical field actually. Anyway, I don’t really recall how the conversation started, a joke about dancing for money I believe, but anyway, he came out and said the following:

”well most of us in the medical field are really phobic, always been careful not to catch herpes”

anyway, I don’t know if it was an off the cuff remark, a joke or that he’d have a serious issue with it. I didn’t feel comfertable telling him my status on a first date, so I didn’t mention it. But I don’t know if seeing him again would be wasting my time. Any experience of jokes, phobics?

background, I was diagnosed accidentally by blood test, I don’t get symptoms that I know of. So in some levels of my mind it’s entirely unfair that I shouldn’t even know but have to announce it. I also have no issue with my status and it is just a skin condition, I get people don’t want to catch it, but it’s not like a serious illness!

thank you! Love to all! 

[Feelingblue]

Any comments would be appreciated. It’s the first person I’ve met since my long term boyfriend when I found out about h. So it’s essentially my first and I’m nervous 

[Findingmyself]

I guess I wouldn’t continue to see him after he said something like that. It was pretty insensitive. You could come out and tell him that you found out that you have it and he responds. It seems like something that he’s subconsciously paranoid of so he jokes about. 

[Feelingblue]

Hm, yes that’s what I’m thinking. It’s a shame because we seem a good match. And I find it strange someone in the medical field is so paranoid about a skin condition. Oh well! 

[Feelingblue]

Maybe I should just tell him before we meet again?

[Findingmyself]

I recently watched a Ted talk with Ella Dawson and something similar happened to her. She said she met a guy at a party and he hit on her by making a joke about how he didn’t have herpes. She came back and said to him that you shouldn’t make fun of people who have that because she did. She said he actually apologized and she ended up dating him for a long time after. I guess if you tell him, the worst thing he can do is back off. If you think there is real chance with him, why not just tell him? Just keep in mind that he may back off or he may actually decide that you are worth the risk and want to date you. I’m trying to put myself back out there right now but, I’m dealing with the same fears of how do I tell someone that I now have this? What’s the worst thing that can happen? If it doesn’t go in your favor, at least it will be practice.

[Feelingblue]

You’re very right what’s the worst that can happen. I think my mind was always made up that I’d tell them when I chose to and I’d probably get to know them a bit first. 3 or 4 dates maybe? That’s what I did with my ex. But because a comment was made it’s kind of thrown me. I don’t want to waste my time. But I’ve only met him once, I don’t feel ready to disclose yet. We’re supposed to go for dinner next. So I can’t really announce it on a second date eating dinner. Maybe an email afterwards or before? Also I feel really guilty letting a man buy me dinner when he doesn’t know, like I’m deceiving him!

[Elle27]

You don’t owe him anything by going to dinner with him. See how dinner goes and go from there, if it feels right tell him then. Feel it out and do whatever feels best to you. 

[MissGuided]

Curious to see how he takes it, keep us posted! I pray that he is kind, and maybe something positive will come out of this, especially if you’re into him!

[Feelingblue]

I will keep you all posted. I’m actually thinking of going to dinner and then sending an email the day after if it goes well. As I think it will probably not go great, I don’t want to do it face to face. Thanks all 🙂

[Anonymous88]

@Feelingblue Just wondered how it all went whether you told him and how he reacted after making that comment?

[Covergirl360]

So I’m a nurse and I had that societal stigma around herpes when I was fists diagnosed. Unless he is kissing or having sex with his patients he shouldn’t be so worried about it. My only fear would be getting an outbreak on my hand which obviously you can wear gloves and what not but I wouldn’t want to inadvertently transmit to a patient or co-worker. I don’t even want my co-workers to know I have it . I think it would be a great opportunity to teach him about it. After all it is so common and he’s probably come in contact with patients who have it in their med history. He could of been referring to the rare cases in which herpes can cause encephalopathy. I’ve worked on a neuro floor for 3 years now though and the result for HSV as a cause in these patients that I have have always come back negative  for HSV 

[Ms. Congeniality]

I work as a surgical technologist on a labor and delivery unit. I was diagnosed last summer with HSV2. With as common as STDs have become, the unit will make comments about “the herp” quite frequently. Sad but true. I try to keep my head down. But one day I was actually able to educate a few nurses about herpes without disclosing I even had it. It was a freeing feeling. And last night a friend was asking me about sex and condoms, if I used them etc. I used that opportunity to educate her about protection. And was able to again successfully do so without disclosing I had it. So if you did decide to see that guy again, try educating. Describe to him, exactly what you said...it’s a skin condition! Not a death sentence! I feel like it’s a very therapeutic way to release stress from the comments and questions. 

[Dave]

Anyone in the medical community that makes a statement like that, is someone you should run from.  The ignorance from many working in that field astounds me.