WhoopsiDaysi

Woo HOO!!! Awesome news!!!

Okay...update. He wrote me an email yesterday and explained how conflicted he was - afraid of getting the virus but missing being with me and all we were together. We are getting together to talk tonight. Who knows what will happen. I have tried to be as transparent as possible, tried to explain the risks as I understood them (4% without condoms, 2% with, 1% with Valtrex) and that I have had it for 9 years and to my knowledge never passed it along. I made my ex get tested and after 5 years together it came back negative. I told him he needed to decide for himself whether the risk was worth it or he could move on to door number 2 and date someone else, but to remember that I was honest and straighforward with him. I have had every STD test known to man done twice and I am managing my herpes. The next person he meets may not be so honest or even know. At the end of the day, he has to be comfortable with it and I can't force him to do anything he isn't comfortable with but sex is such a small part of what we have. Any suggestions for the chat? I am not used to this. Usually I disclose and they run off like their hair is on fire, never to be seen or heard from again.

Thanks pcvkak and lively. I ended up emailing him to see where he was at. I said I didn't want to assume anything but thought maybe he was either processing or had a change of heart. I sent him my blog and said that I had given him a lot to think about and that I had really enjoyed our time together but if he had decided to move on, well then I wished him all the best. He did write back: Brenda, Yes, I am processing info, yes I am stigmatized given my ex-wifes family history, and yes I will probably walk away. Missed chatting with you yesterday and truth be told I miss everything about you already. You are the best match, on several levels, for me, that I have encountered on this video dating thing. There is an ache, which started last night, because it all felt so right and now I know I can't do this. Read your blog and I had started researching herpes even after I left you the other night. Wish you all the best, enjoyed our time together. Andy, At least now I know. But you know what, I learned from that experience and I am now more encouraged to get out there and to be honest and straightforward about this. The right person will be able to see that I am so much more than a walking virus. I am a loving, intelligent, dynamic woman with so much to offer the right person. The right person will come along. I just have to work my way through the wrong ones and I am one more closer to the right one! :)

Thanks Dom. I LOVE Joel. I am not a "religious type" but his message of hope is so powerful. I actually listen to his sermons every morning as I am getting ready for work. There have been many many days where what he had to say spoke right to my heart and was exactly what I needed to get my thoughts moving in a positive direction. My girlfriend just got the book "I Declare" and she said it has really started to turn things around for her in her thinking. The "I Am" statement is very powerful. I love what you suggest and I challenge each of us to create an I Am statements. Maybe we can share them to inspire each other? I will start: I AM a once in a lifetime creation of God worthy of great love and devotion. I AM talented, creative, powerful and resilient. I AM enough just the way I am. :)

Bravo Just! I think what you say is valid and, from a woman's perspective, it would be great to hear how you guys feel about this experience. To know that as women we are not the only ones who are angry, fearful, ashamed, in denial, etc. To know that men feel that way or maybe see how their experience is different from our own. What I would love to have is feedback on how to have "The Talk" from a man's perspective. How can we as women approach it so that it may have a better chance of being received in a positive light. Thanks again for posting Just and I hope it brings the men out of the shadows and share the valuable insights they have as well. We all have a gift to offer each other.

Kristin, you are amazing on so many levels. I love the lessons for your kids with the toothpaste. That is brilliant!! And I am so glad to hear you made sure your son knew he did the right thing and sometimes doing the right thing isn't always easy. I loved your kind words to Ann as well. It's so true. We do deserve to be loved and cherished. We are amazing people who have a tough gig but do the right thing. We make the decision to be honest and forthright even though we know we may be rejected. We don't put other people in jeopardy for our own selfish needs. We are light years ahead of a lot of other people. Thanks Kristin for stating all of that wonderfully! And Ann, I am so very happy to hear you have found someone who loves and cherishes YOU and the wonderful person you are. He is a smart man and lucky to have you! :) Brenda

Well, if you're ever in Canada! :) Or maybe at the next Herpes Opportunity event. Hugs to you for all your support and kindness. :) xo

Thanks so much ladies. And yes, I am sure he is processing. He ended up sending a one liner saying he was off with his buddy, 5 bottles of wine later. At least he made contact. Man, those insecurities love to start screaming in my ear so fast. I don't know how this will all work out. I know it's a lot to process and I get that. I just need to breathe, take a step back and know I handled myself the best way I could, I was honest and transparent and the rest is up to him. If he is a smart man, he will see what he has. If not, well, then there's nothing I can do ... except hope he now compares every woman he meets to me! LOL I love that quote from The Help. The quote has run through my head so many times and, coincidentally, last night. Thanks again for your love and support breathe and lelani. Can I take a raincheque on the tea and chocolate? That sounds like fun! :) Brenda xoxo

So, met a great guy. We connected on every level - intellectually, values, humor, spirituality, views on life. Talked for hours, when we were together - magic. So, after a week and things are moving along very well, it's that time - The Talk. Had the talk, it seemed to go well however, today is radio silence. Ahhhhh, the virus wins again. Now, I know intellectually it's not personal. It's the virus that is being rejected, not me. However, it feels so personal right now. Ugh. I know in a day or two I will lick my wounds, put on a brave face and move on. Nothing else to do really. Maybe there are lessons in this. Maybe I could have handled it differently, maybe I need to handle it differently next time, maybe he's busy, maybe the Mayans are right and the world ends next month. Dunno. Anyway, it's not personal.......but it is because herpes and I are a package deal. And yes, it has definitely made me a better person, allowed me to meet amazing people, allowed me to grow. But wow, it's not an easy gig, not gonna lie.

Congratulations marii!! *high five* That is so awesome. I am so happy for you that he reacted so positively and so happy that you were able to have an honest and open conversation about something that we all know is so hard to talk about. I know all too well how hard it is to do. The more you like someone, the harder it gets to say because "what if". He is obviously a very smart man who knows a good thing and won't let a stupid virus get in the way of a wonderful thing. :) I wish you both many blessings!! Brenda

I think some sort of resource for doctors would be awesome. I have been thinking about this myself. I can't remember anyone who has been diagnosed that I talked to ever saying their doctor was knowledgeable about herpes. Even my own naturopath had limited knowledge. Kristin, you are so lucky to have found such an understanding OBGYN. How could you not fall in love with a man like that! LOL I am going to put my thoughts together. If you two don't mind, maybe we can create something together? I would be more than willing to pass it along to some of the caregivers and doctors I know. If we can help one person walk away feeling empowered instead of like the bottom just fell out of their world, it would be so worth it. I am thinking of also including resources for people to turn to in the local area and on the internet. Knowledge and community is huge in the healing process, as we all know.

Awesome blog Kristin. Thanks so much for sharing. I can totally relate to what you say about shutting down and trying to protect yourself from getting hurt and also loved (and will use) "who says". The referred pain concept also hit home as well. Herpes really does break us open. I know for myself, it has forced, or maybe gave me permission, to really look at my life, how I have been coping, what I deserve, what I believed I deserve. I have also looked to see what survival methods I had been using that just aren't serving me anymore. For the first time I am allowing myself to exist on this planet without feeling like I need permission to be myself or feeling like I need to apologize for taking up space or having any needs or dreams. And I am finally starting to see that I may have value just because I am on this planet - imperfections and all. And after all, isn't it our imperfections that make us truly human and interesting - once we stop beating ourselves up about them and embracing them for the wonderful gifts of learning that they are. Thanks again!!

Thanks Adrial. I needed to read that today. I may be in a position to have "The Talk" soon and I had forgotten the stats (it's been a while since I've had to know them!). It doesn't sound quite so impossible when I see the numbers. I had herpes for about 9 years without really knowing (but had an h+ partner back then so sort of suspected....ahhhhhh denial) so I was always pretty careful. I have never, to my knowledge, passed it on to anyone. I made my ex get tested when he and I split up (the stress of the break up gave me my fist OB and I wondered if he wasn't my donor) and it came back negative after 5 years of unprotected sex. Okay...the more I talk about this, the more confident I get. :) Thanks!!

I am out in the west as well but would love to attend a future seminar. I look forward to hearing all about it from you Adrial and those who attended. This is healing work that will continue to have healing effects long after it is over. Hugs and lots of love to you all! Brenda

Adrial, I watched Days 5 and 6 and could I ever relate to a lot of what you were saying. I have been on a very similar journey this past year and for the first time, I allowed myself to really stop and feel what I was going through. One of the gifts of having herpes because a month after my ex left, I got the diagnosis. Before that I was always quick to find someone else and start the process all over again, but with herpes in the picture, it allowed me the chance for the first time to just stop and deal with some of my feelings instead of trying to smother them with another relationship. That pull to find someone else right away is pretty strong though, so I totally got what you were talking about there. One thing I learned was to not fight the feelings, but just sit with them, feel them, let them flow through me and eventually they fade. It's like the water in the river - it just flows. I also took myself on dates and did things on my own that I had never done. It can be scary and awkward at first but eventually I really started to enjoy it. I still do. It's fun to have friends along, but sometimes it's just nice to be on your own and do whatever you feel like in that moment. It's a great way to reconnect with what you really like because, as you said, you sort of lose a part of yourself in a relationship. This gives you a chance to try things out and see what you really enjoy. I think by reconnecting with yourself and really living in the moment and sitting with your feelings and making friends with all of them, it helps you to heal, to grow and to ultimately make you a better partner to someone else. I know the videos may seem a bit like "work" but I have really gotten something out of sharing your journey. I hope you allow us to share a bit more of what you are working through, even if you go to a weekly update. I think we all grow by sharing. Thank you so much for being so transparent, so real and so authentic. Your healing is healing for all of us. Brenda

Thank you so much for your story. It's such a sneaky virus. You can never know when or how you got it and there is nothing to be gained by trying to figure it out. I am so sorry to hear how the medical staff handled telling you about it. The medical community really is not very knowledgeable or helpful, are they? I left my doctor with "you will give it to anyone you have sex with" and not so much as a pamphlet. I will look for the book you recommend. I have heard a few people say how helpful it was. Welcome to the site! :)

It's herpes for goodness sakes, not the plague. And the funny part is, he could have herpes and not know it. At any rate, you are better off without him. The ironic part is that he didn't have any discussion with you about yours or his sexual health but when you were honest and open about your situation, he freaked out. I always find it interesting when I am rejected for being open about herpes when they don't think that a discussion around sexual health is necessary. If I wasn't honest, they would never know what I had and so quite obviously they have never had that discussion with anyone else, which is worriesome. I think herpes actually makes us a safer bet because we do have those conversations and we do take precautions. The "runners" never stop to consider that and could be opening themselves up to something much worse than an annoying and non-life threatening virus that has been around since the dawn of man.

I think I contracted it about 9 years and I never got a firm diagnosis until last December. I had some discomfort a couple of times but nothing major. I was even tested once but it came back "inconclusive". For me, it made it's appearance during a particularly stressful time in my life. It's a sneaky virus who likes to play coy and shows up when we least expect (or want) it. Hang in there and try to stay calm. I find diet and stress both play a big part in how I feel and what the virus does. Peanuts are the worst offender for me. I got through peanut butter phases and the last time I did that, I realized I was "angering the beast". :) Once I stopped eating peanut butter, I felt a lot better.

Thanks Emily for sharing your story. It gives hope to all of us that we are more than this virus and that, given the chance to get to know us as people, we are very loveable and acceptable and worth the risk. :) Keep us posted!!

Hey, I am totally new to this site but would love to have an H Buddy. Male or female, just someone to chat with. I got the official diagnosis this past December but have suspected for many years (read: in denial). I think I got it from someone who told me he had it. Didn't really know what I was getting in to but it is what it is. Herpes has felt like the worst thing ever and has also been a huge blessing. I have met some amazing people as a result. I am 47 years old, divorced and my son is all grown up. Age is not an issue, just someone to connect with. I have HSV2.

Adrial, Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us and for being so open and vulnerable with all of us. Your willingness to be real and genuine is a gift to all of us. You asked me to repost my comments from your videos, so here they are: - I totally get this - judgment = fear for me. As soon as I try to push beyond my comfort zone, I go into judgment of myself and, as you say, if I don't catch myself, that judgment (fear) can stop me from moving forward. Thank you for my "aha" moment of the day. :) - Dating again with herpes adds another layer to the fear and the insecurity but all things happen for a reason and given the people I have met because of herpes, I am so grateful for the gift. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and thoughts. We can all relate. :) I look forward to watching your videos and sharing in your journey. We are all connected and your journey is our journey and by sharing and reaching out, we can all grow and become better for it. I, like you, tend to shut down and isolate myself when I am hurt but by reaching out, we can help to heal both ourselves and others. Thank you for reaching out and being an example to us all. Warm Regards, Brenda