WhoopsiDaysi

You are already on the road to healing effemmell. The fact that you reached out here is huge. You are ready to move forward in wonderful ways. Baby steps my dear and patience with your beautiful self. I hope we can meet as well. Maybe at one of the H Opportunity weekends. :) Brenda xo

*high five* effemmell!! I am so happy for you and your courage. You have opened the door to self-acceptance and I am so happy for you! A whole new world has just opened up for you! Thanks so much for sharing. Brenda

I got my herpes from a partner who had herpes and disclosed to me. I didn't get any real symptoms for about 10 years though. I have had partners who did not have herpes and were okay with it. My ex husband and I were together 5 years and he never got herpes (I made him get tested when we broke up). Millions of people have herpes in some form, whether it is genital herpes, cold sores, shingles, chicken pox, mono. It's a virus and it has been around since the dawn of time. It is a skin condition and nothing more. I hear you that you are struggling but hanging on to the anger and upset is only hurting you. There is a saying that anger and grudges are like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It is only hurting you. The sooner you can find a way to forgive and accept "what is" and that is the fact that you have herpes, the sooner you can start to heal and come out the other side of this. Brenda

djames, once you see the doctor you will feel better. And hon, even if it's positive for herpes, trust me, it's not the end of the world. In many ways, it can be a blessing in disguise. Let us know what you find out. Brenda

effemmel, I get where you are coming from on using sex as a way to feel better, to feel wanted, validated, to feel like the only thing you have to offer that anyone would want is sex. I have been there and still struggle with it. I used to go from one relationship to the next, using the new relationship as a way to shut off the feelings from the last failed relationship. I have self-abandoned in so many way, I am ashamed to admit it. However, I can tell you that herpes has honestly been my savior. I have finally, for the first time in my adult like, taken the time to actually be on my own, to heal, to set boundaries, and to stop self-abandoning when it comes to men and sex. It hasn't been an easy road effemmel, but it has been one that has lead me to myself. I am still learning but I can now be in a relationship and not completely lose my mind and let my heart and my neediness for approval to run the show. I can take the time to really get to know someone and evaluate whether this person is actually good for me and, if he's not, to have the courage to walk away and not need to replace him immediately with someone else. I can sit with my feelings and I can take care of that scared little girl inside me. I get the sense that you are also on that same journey and I honor you for your courage to take that first step. You are reaching out to us, you are starting to honor yourself. You are not going to be perfect everytime. You will make mistakes. There will be lessons you thought you learned and then find yourself making the same mistakes or choices over again. Don't beat yourself up. The first step is the realization of what is happening. Once you have the realization, you can start to do something about it. There are all sorts of great resources, online courses, and forums out there. If you trust your counsellor, tell him or her you have herpes. Once you put it out there, honestly, it's not that bad. It's like the boogie monster under the bed. If you sit on your bed with our covers pulled up over your head, he seems enormous but the second you turn the light on and check to find nothing but dust bunnies, you realize it was no big deal. Keep reaching out my dear and be kind to yourself. None of us have this thing called life figured out. There are no manuals. You are doing the very best you can with what you know right now. As you grow and learn, you will make different choices. I am so happy for you that you are on the path to healing!! Keep us posted on your progress and reach out when you stumble. We are here to catch you. Much love, Brenda xo

The only way you are going to know for sure djames is to check with your doctor. Rather than making yourself crazy trying to figure it out, just get it checked and see what they say. I know that feeling though of being paranoid about every itch, tingle, pimple or mark and wondering....... It's crazy making.

Welcome!!! Thank you so much for reaching out happyreality. We are real and this site is as real as it gets my dear. There are tons of loving and supportive people on here. We are all sharing this same journey and are here to love and support each other and to celebrate each other's victories and joys. Jump in my dear. The water is warm! :) Much love, Brenda

effemmell. First sweetheart, breathe. Stop. Deep breath. Breathe. Don't make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings. I totally get where you are coming from but you are getting yourself into a tizzy and you are going down the rabbit hole. Stop. Herpes is a skin condition. No one jumped off a bridge because of a cold sore and this is no different. I know it feels different, but it's not. Now, first of all, the world will not treat you like a leper. Trust me. I have herpes. I have told half the free world. I will be on You Tube in a few days talking about it and the leper police have not come to my door. There are a ton of people who have herpes who function and have relationships and marriages and partners. I am divorced and the last two people I told were like "big deal. It's a skin condition". I can tell you, if YOU are freaked out about it and judgmental, then you are going to communicate that to whomever you are talking to. I was where you are at at the beginning. I thought if I told anyone, I would never have sex again and I would be celibate for the rest of my life. I was wrong. I have learned that having herpes is an opportunity in a relationship to be open and transparent and it slows things down so you can actually make better decisions. I have also learned that by having to have "the Talk" I create a space for open communication about sex, what he may have, what I have, our attitudes towards sex, our experience, what we want, don't want, what it means to us, etc. By revealing that you have herpes, you show your partner that (a) you value their health, (b) you trust them, © you are interested enough in them to move this relationship to the next level. It slows things down so it's not a casual fling. As an added bonus for you, you know that he is with you because he genuinely likes you and you are not just another notch on his belt. He will not forget you and he will most likely respect you more for your honesty, your integrity and your openess. I have had men comment on how they have never had those kinds of open conversations about sex before and how much they liked it. They said their past partners never wanted to even talk about sex. So right there, you stand out in a positive way. Don't beat yourself up about this. Take some time to heal and get better. If you are freaked out, it only makes the outbreak worse. Once you have yourself feeling better, then you can look at this situation in a different light and see how you could handle it or could have handled it differently. We are all here to love, accept and support you. Reach out to us and check out some of the other posts. You are absolutely not alone in what you are going through. There have been many people who, like you, just couldn't bear the chance of being rejected so they didn't tell and then felt horrible after having unprotected sex with someone. Adrial, I am sure, can probably find some posts for you to read along those lines. You will see there is a different way of looking at this and that you are not alone. Love yourself my sweet as we love you and know you will get through this. You are too beautiful of a spirit to risk your safety. If you need support, reach out to those who love you. It is a gift to others to allow them to help you in your time of need and despair. Tons of Hugs coming your way! Brenda xoxo

Congratulations CR_19!! I am so proud of you for taking that step. As the saying goes, even if you are making slow progress, you are much better off than those who are making no progress. Herpes really is a great opportunity. It doesn't feel like it at first, but as you are finding out, it brings up other stuff you have not dealt with to this point. It can be that one thing that pushes you to face some of the parts of yourself you haven't wanted to deal with. It can really be the thing that helps you to begin a growing and healing process that will make your life so much richer. You also have the wonderful opportunity of meeting so many amazing people along the way and you gain a new sense of compassion and understanding that you may not have had otherwise. Thank you so much for sharing your epiphany and for joining our family. :) Brenda

We have a group here in Calgary. We are actually meeting the Edmonton group in Red Deer this weekend for a bowling and dinner out get together which should be fun. It's so nice to hang out with people who you can talk about herpes with, laugh about it, joke about it or just not talk about it but not have to hide it. You can also be open with each other about how you are coping, which is such a relief. And yes, then there is the Herpes Opportunity weekend, which is AWESOME!! I went in January and I can hardly wait for July to get here so I can go again. It was the most amazing weekend of my life and it has forever changed me. In a good way. :) If you are thinking about going, I say do it! You will be so glad you did. Herpes is the reason we are all there, but what happens that weekend is SO much more than a "we all have herpes" weekend. It is not your usual seminar where you sit and learn about herpes and take notes. Trust me, it will rock your world. :) You won't have time for notes but you will want to somehow capture all that you have learned and discovered that weekend.

I agree with Adrial, in person is always better. What's the rush? I sounds like you had a great time together getting to know each other. Everyone has "stuff" and that gets shared as the intimacy develops in a relationship. It can be so easy to see herpes as a deal breaker but there are all sorts of dealbreakers. For some it's smoking or having children or having tattoos or whatever. Sharing that you have herpes can be a very intimate moment because you obviously want to move this relationship to the next step, so how awesome is that? Read the e-book because there is some awesome stuff in there. Know your facts and know that you are a person of integrity because you are taking the time to tell your partner about this and giving them the option to decide how they feel about this. It speaks volumes as to your character. If nothing else, maybe this gives you an excuse to enjoy some more of those cuddles before things move to the next stage. I don't know about you, but the cuddles are the best, so enjoy!! :) Hugs, Brenda

Kitcattat, this gift is a process. It's like anything we have an insecurity about. For me, herpes is just one thing to add to my list of stuff I need to accept and not be self conscious about - they join the list of being too tall, too heavy, not pretty enough, not capable, etc. So, yeah, it's going to be a trigger when I'm feeling insecure. On my stronger days it's just like, "meh" whatever. Herpes. It's a skin condition and just part of who I am. Don't beat yourself up. Just take it one day at a time and know how amazing you really are. There are a ton of people who would let this destroy them or who are not being authentic and honest and are not telling their partners. This is not life threatening. It's just a virus. Of all the things we COULD have, I would take herpes any day over diabetes or eczema or allergies. Thanks for being authentic and allowing us to see your humanity and, in turn, our own. :) xo

You are welcome cupcake. We have to make the best of what life hands to us. :)

I try to take care of myself. I look to see what my stress levels are like, how my diet has been and it is usually a reminder to myself that I need to take care of myself. It is a time to do some self-care for me. And yes, it can be a bit of an emotional time as well. I try to just be as patient with myself as I can and take care of myself. I know this too shall pass. I try to reach out as well, so this site is a great place to come to when you need some lovin and support through it. :) Can you make it a time where you do something special for yourself? Get a pedicure, new haircut, go somewhere you enjoy, invite friends out....something you love and can look forward to? Then when the manifestations hit, you actually have something to look forward to. It may change the energy around the issue. :) Brenda ox

Totally normal reaction kitcattat. Now, if he's saying mean and judgmental things to you, you need to be mindful of that. Just because you have herpes, does not make you any less loveable or worthy. It's a skin condition. Would you feel the same way if you have cold sores on your lip? Would you make it about being "less than" and worried that you are not acceptable? No. This is no different. It's a matter of location and nothing more. This is a test of HIS character. First of all, he has no right to judge you, if he is. Secondly, he has no idea unless he's been tested if he has herpes. Third, you are doing him a huge favor and showing your integrity by disclosing to him and being your true and authentic self, tears and all. I totally get your fears. I am pretty sure we have all been there and go back there from time to time. Know that you are a beautiful, caring, open, honest and wonderful person and if he is a smart man, he will realize what a gem he has in you. Put your head up my dear and know that you are worthy of all of life's blessings, and as time goes on and you learn to accept you - ALL of you (and this comes with age) this will all get easier. Herpes is like anything elese we are insecure about. Herpes is a great teacher in how to love ourselves and all the parts that we deem "unloveable". Once we are embrace our humanity and love all those parts of ourselves that we judge as "unloveable" or "unacceptable", we will see that others will also accept us and love us - all of us. And if they don't, it doesn't affect our love for ourselves. We also create a space for others to love and accept themselves, which is a huge gift. Hang in there. This gets easier. I promise. And we are all here to love and help you along your journey. I am so glad you are here and able to share with us. Sharing your story helps all of us heal, so thank you. Much love and Big Bear Hugs, Brenda xo

Great video Adrial. I find it interesting that even the medical profession has trouble dealing with this issue. One, they are uncomfortable talking about sex, which I find really odd, but I guess we are all human. Two, that there are no black and white answers on herpes and how to control it, prevent it or deal with it. There are guidelines but nothing that they can say "this is it". And no real research going into it as well. Something that is SO common and has been around since man started having sex and yet we know so very little and have really not come very far with dealing with it. Thank God for people like you Adrial who have stepped up to the plate and are getting people to have these conversations. Thanks for getting this information out there and creating the space for open and frank discussions. I really think this is a bigger issue than just herpes. Herpes is a fantastic opportunity for us to be open and honest and authentic about ourselves, about our sexuality, our health and really make authentic connections with people. You know, if I had a choice now - do I want herpes and have the experiences I have had to this point or not have herpes, after all I have experienced, I would actually pick herpes. Maybe that sounds odd, but my life has opened up so much as a result. The Universe does have a bigger plan and I am so glad I could be open to it and, as a result, have met people like you Adrial and all the people you have inspired along the way. :)

Thanks so much Adrial and Ashley. I LOVED the video. Thanks so much for being authentic and for sharing your stories. I loved how you talked about the topic and made it fun! I have posted this on my Facebook. :)

I agree Adrial. Let's just be grateful. Comparison is just crazy making, at least for me. As you said, someone will always be better off or worse off. My life is what it is. It's a matter of choice - am I going to choose happiness or self-pity? And yes, there will be times when I will be sad or mad or whatever and I will try to sit with those emotions and not run from them as much as I used to. Do I still run? Yeah. I eat too much or have a glass of wine or two some days to cope. But overall I am trying to just allow whatever comes up for me to be okay. Feel it, acknowledge it and let it go. I am learning that it's all a choice - a matter of perspective. I spent the last couple months in a relationship with a man who did not have herpes and it absolutely wasn't an issue for us. For the first time since my diagnosis, I felt whole and "normal" when it came to a relationship. The relationship ultimately ended but I learned so much from that lovely experience and can move forward into life feeling okay with who I am. Herpes is just one more thing to add to the mix. I am smart, funny, stubborn at times, a bit of a drama queen at others, I have hay fever and, oh yeah, I have herpes too. This is who I am. :) This is who I really am. :)

Thanks Adrial. :) That whole talk with my optometrist sort of threw me off guard. I'd be okay with it now, but at the time I just wanted that conversation to end. Now. Please.

My optometrist mentioned spreading herpes to your eyes, which can be an issue. (Yes, I had to disclose to my optometrist. That's a discussion I never thought I'd have to have but he asked what meds I was on and....) Anyway, just something to keep in mind. I don't know all the details and I would be curious to know what information you have on this Adrial.

Thanks so much Adrial. Awesome job. It is to the point, easy to read and absorb and it puts the facts right out there. I have saved these gems and will be referring to them and passing them along. Thanks for helping us all to see the gift in this opportunity that Herpes is and also to empower us to get out there, LIVE joyfully, to educate and to realize how we can use this experience to connect, grow, heal and really become a better version of who we are! :) You rock my dear!

You know we love you Adrial. Thank you for all you are. I am looking so forward to the next "Opportunity" to see you and everyone and experience the magic. Take care!! Brenda :)

I am so grateful for you Adrial and this community that you have formed from the ashes of your grief. You are one of the most beautiful, caring, amazing men I have had the privilege of meeting and you attract to you amazing people as well. This site and this positive (and I mean that both ways. :) ) community is a testament to the kind of man you are. You made a choice from your own heartache to reach out and create something that is literally changing lives. You have had such a profound effect on my own life and I know for many others as well. We are all so very lucky to have met you and to have become part of this family you have created. I wish you many many blessings for this year and many years to come! Thank you for being so vulnerable, authentic, loving and real and for creating the space for the rest of us to do that same! Brenda xo

Lelani, I am SOOOOO happy for you!! I wish I could hug you, so consider yourself hugged from Canada. :) I have been away for a bit so I am thrilled to come back and hear you have found someone who recognizes the gift that you are. I wish you all of life's many blessings for an amazing life together. :) Hugs to both you!!! Brenda xoxo

Coffeepal, it's amazing. I have to say, it has changed my life for the better. If it's right for you, the Universe will make sure it happens. :) I hope you can make the next one! Still glowing from my experience. :) Thanks again Adrial. You are a gift to the world