WhoopsiDaysi

Domo, I am so sorry to hear about his reaction to you being so very honest and upfront. If he asked about STDs (which most people never do) then it could be that he has issues of his own. I have run into a few people who have had bad experiences with H and so no matter how amazing I am, they will always have an issue with it. As Kristin said, it is about HIM, not you. But it hurts to feel so much for someone and to have that connection and then once they find out *poof* they are gone. We are all sending love and hugs your way and we are all so proud of you for telling your truth. You could have lied to him in that moment. A lot of people would have, but you didn't. His reaction is his choice but it doesn't mean it hurts any less. You can hold your head high because you did the right thing in that moment and that is all that counts. You are a woman of integrity and that will always be repaid. Hang in there my dear and know you are one closer to the right one!! Hugs, Brenda xoxo

So, if the outbreaks are not where the condom covers but not where anyone is ever going (again), what are the chances of transmission? This virus is so frustrating sometimes. I just wish there were absolutes so I could be sure of what I was exposing someone else to and how to deal with it. Not that it's really an issue at the moment. LOL It would be so much easier to find someone else with the same virus. Oh well. All things happen for a reason, right? Happy Friday all!! Brenda

VirgoGirl you ARE awesome and the fact that this is stressing out so much is a testament to how awesome you are. You are a woman of integrity and honesty and you have the capacity to care deeply. There is a risk to all of this and I get that feeling you may have - the more he tells you how amazing you are, the worse you feel. I know when I am in a similar situation I end up feeling like a fraud everytime I hear it and it just ramps up my stress level about disclosing. At the end of the day, this is a simple skin condition and it doesn't make you any less awesome, amazing, caring, beautiful or worthy of love. Just rip that bandaid off sister and the rest is up to him. If he is a smart man he will process, accept and love you even more for telling him. We are all here for you and will be there in spirit! xoxo

All the best VirgoGirl. Some great advice on here. Please let us know how it goes and I will send positive thoughts your way. It IS just a skin condition. If you had to tell him you had cold sores, how awful would it be? He'd probably look at you like you'd lost your mind. It's the same thing only a bit further south. It's a skin condition, not who you are. You will do well and, as has already been said, the rest is up to him. You cannot control how anyone reacts but I believe we all come together for a reason. You have seen what an awesome relationship looks like. If this one doesn't work out for whatever reason, you know it is possible and you are one guy closer to finding "The One". And maybe you are already there!! :)

Hey Shawn, welcome! And thank you for sharing and reaching out for help. That is such a positive step in healing. The more you can reach out and talk to others in the same boat, the more you realize that this herpes thing can actually be such a blessing. At first it feels like the bottom of your world just left you, but as you go on and reach out as you are, meeting people who can love and support you through this and help you love and accept yourself, you will see what an amazing journey herpes has offered you. You will never be the same again, but in a good way. You will become stronger, more accepting of others and in the process learn to love and accept yourself in ways you never would have been able to before. I encourage you to keep reaching out, sharing and finding people who you can really relate to on here and in your life. It is such a gift and a blessing to find that kind of friendship and turn what seems like the worst thing ever into something amazing.

When I am not taking Valtrex, before my monthly visitor, I get a tingling sort of sensation and sometimes like nerves exposed pain down my buttocks and sometimes right down my leg into my ankle. It can be really sensitive. Like Adrial said, it could be some sort of viral shedding thing. I got it for years but found when I take Valtrex, I don't get it. So, for me, it's affected by my hormones and my cycle. Fortunately I don't get an outbreak every time. It still freaks me out sometimes though. Maybe that is what is happening for you? It takes a while to get to know your body and know this little virus and how it takes residence in your body. You do figure it out eventually and can start to work with it.

Pro: I have had a chance to slow down, take some time to heal my heart and really examine my relationship patterns. I have weeded out a lot of losers and I have had some time to just be on my own. It has also made me a lot more understanding of others and I have met some amazing people as a result. I am a lot more open and transparent with people now and can form closer connections with others. Cons: The insecurity of having to tell a new partner and the outbreaks a few times a year. Just dealing with society's perception and my own insecurity about having herpes (which is sort of a pro, because it really does force to me to face my own insecurities on many issues, not just herpes, which has allowed me to grow emotionally and spiritually).

I end up getting the tingling down the back of my leg just before my period if I am not taking Valtrex. I find that pads sometimes irritate things for me but I have herpes on my butt and not anywhere else, so that could be why. I find hormones do affect the little virus though.

Thank you so much lelani and everyone. It sounds like we are all going through similar feelings. When you said you didn't want to feel like you are "tricking" men, Oh my GOD, that reasonated with me! That is why I disclose so quickly - I feel like such a fraud going along and having this herpes thing hanging over my head. I know in my head it's nothing more than a skin condition with a bad rap, but wow, when it comes time to meet someone, it's like some big dark smear on my soul that I am hiding from them. Logically, of course, I know it's not and when I reason it out, it's a minor inconvenience. I am on my own again as well and my one year anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. It has been a rollercoaster ride to be sure. I have struggled, I have grown, I have met some amazing people, I have new opportunities in my life as a result, and I some days I struggle. Like you say lelani, we all have challenges in life and herpes is just one of them. I am so very grateful for everyone in this community for their love and support and I am SO looking forward to meeting some of you at the H Opportunity seminar in January and collecting hugs! :) I believe there are no accidents in life and I have herpes for a reason. I can either make the best of it and turn it into a blessing or I can use it as an excuse. It's all up to me. Thanks so much everyone for sharing and being the amazing people you are. I am SO grateful to have met you and have you in my life! Brenda xoxo

I take Valtrex daily again. I am sort of on again, off again. I do take Lysine as well. I find that my diet affects how I feel. I had a OB last week because I was eating waaaaay too much sugar. I find foods like nuts (especially peanuts...found that out when I went through my peanut butter everyday phase), coffee, and red wine all can be triggers if I am tired or run down. If I keep myself well rested, watch my diet and work on my stress levels, I feel pretty good. Congratulations on all you are doing dom! Wow. I will be so glad when my knee heals (too much exercise, no stretching, over developed quads pulling my kneecaps off track) and I can get back to working out again. I feel so much better when I can.

Welcome JC! I am so glad you reached out. That is so awesome. You will find an amazing community of people who are here to love and support you through this. I have had herpes for about 9 years but only had the "diagnosis" a year ago. I felt just like you when I found out. It was like the bottom fell out of my world. But you know, a year later, things look a lot different. It's a simple skin condition, just like having a coldsore on your lip. Same thing but it's what we think about it that makes it so much worse. It will be a process for you to come to terms with what it is, what it means to you, how it will change you and change your life. I can tell you from my own experience, that far more good came out of it than negative. I have met so many amazing people, I have taken time for me that I never would have without the diagnosis, I have grown and become far more understanding and accepting of myself and others. I have broken open and come back together so much stronger. You will have good days and bad days, especially at the beginning, but as time goes on, you will realize it's a skin condition and it doesn't define you. Make a list of all the amazing qualities you have, the things you like about yourself. You had those before and after herpes. You are no less amazing. In fact, you are more amazing now. It all takes time. Just be patient with yourself and with the process. It's a grieving process and you can't rush it. But I can tell you that there is definitely good stuff on the other side once you get through that. Reach out as you are to everyone on here. We have all been where you are and are more than happy to hold your hand or cheer you on. :) Welcome to the best club ever!!

Hi Brenda! :) Nice to meet you. The Cain situation is never dull. Just when we think things are falling into place, the Universe loves to throw in a wrench or ten. It never ends, but I do adore him. Now his ex wife just called him to say she has stomach and ovarian cancer and needs to go for some operations and biopsies so she needs him home to look after their 7 years old son. Honestly, if we ever end up together, it will be a miracle of epic proportions. LOL This is how our relationship goes. One step forward, two steps backwards. Right now I am just going to relax and just see where things go. We are best friends, so at least we have a fabulous friendship and who knows what the future holds. Right now he'll need a friend more than anything and I am in no hurry. I have a great gig on my own and I am looking forward to a fantastic 2013. :) Starting with the H Opportunity Seminar!

Carlos, Thank you so much for your lovely reply. You are such a kindred spirit and a beautiful soul and oh my God, you so get me! And yes, you pegged it - rebound. Actually Andy was "Rebound Guy". Cain, the man who is "back" is someone I absolutely adore, and honestly, I can't see living without. The thought of him not being in my life has had me sobbing so many times. I was frustrated because I wanted him so bad but we had a discussion and we are so much alike, god, so I was pushing him away because I didn't want to get hurt by wanting him so much and so he didn't ask me to wait because he was getting himself sorted out so we can be together. It really is a romantic tragedy and comedy, all at once. I told him I didn't want to put my life on hold and he said I didn't have to instead of asking me to wait, which is why he came over in the first place.....it sounds really really crazy and maybe it is, but he is honestly the man I want to spend forever with. He will make me insane, he will piss me off and he will also adore me and make me feel like I am the most perfect woman in the world. He is my best friend, my confidante and the one person in this world who I can be myself with. My crazy insecure self, my happy joyful self, my inspired self....all of me. He is the first person I think to call whenever something happens in my life, even if we aren't together. I totally get what you say about the silence. I have a constant chatter in my head. I can be completely alone and yet the voices in my head sound like a city full of people. It never stops and I do the same as you - plug in to numb out. But I do also try to just force myself, like you, to walk in silence. I have tried to meditate, sit with a quiet mind and it's like trying to baptize cats. It's impossible. The monkey mind is chattering constantly. It's like Rainman in my head. "Have to be quiet. Definitely have to be quiet. Damn, I am thinking about not thinking. Okay.....silence the mind. This is really hard. Okay, focus on the breath...am I doing that right? Oh damn I'm thinking again..." And on it goes. I am so grateful that I have people like you to relate to here and for your support, understanding and friendship. Relationships are crazy enough but then throw in something like herpes and it's like putting a loud speaker on every insecurity, every anxiety. What I am learning though is to not self-abandon as much as I used to, to try to stay present and authentic and to allow myself to be honest and vulnerable. I am so quick to put myself out there, and then, like you RUN!!!!! before they can reject me. I don't even give them a chance to think about it. I just bolt or I give them an excuse to bolt. Pretty much write the speech for them. All they have to do is hit "send". :) I don't want to do that anymore. This year has been a year of reflection. Finding out I had herpes right after my ex left really gave me the space to take time I have never taken before and really examined my beliefs, what I thought I deserved, why I was reacting the way I was, etc. I am still, however, as you can see, a "work in progress". Rome wasn't built in a day. :) Thanks again Carlos for your insights and for showing me parts of myself. You are Amazing. :) Lots of love, Brenda

I talked to a lady in our local herpes group who went through the screening process, and it is fine. We can still donate blood.

Hey pcvkak. Well, haven't heard a word from Andy. No biggie though. I know we came together for a reason. I definitely pushed his comfort zones. :) He'll never be the same after meeting me! LOL There has been a new development in my life. An old flame - complicated situation to put it mildly, is back in my life.....he is my "soul mate" but we have had this soap opera relationship. I feel like our lives are like the Truman Show and I keep looking for the hidden cameras. We are on, we are off, we are on, we are off. Well, we are "on" again and this time I *hope* is the charm. We have committed to moving forward. He has committed to making the changes in his life he needs to make to move forward and I have committed to being patient and waiting and supporting him while he does what he needs to do. So........we'll see. He knows I have herpes. He was another one who had a really bad experience with herpes. His dad slept around a lot and cheated on his mom constantly (with her own mother even, two weeks after their wedding!!!) and he ended up with herpes, so to Cain, my friend, herpes is this dirty awful thing promiscuous people. Eventually, he came around and realized that his issues with herpes were his issues and that what we have is far more important than any virus. Anyway, only time will tell what will happen between us. I have my fingers crossed that it will all work out. If not, well, at least I know I opened my heart up enough to try. Stay tuned folks to "This is My Life". :) LOL

You know, sometimes you need to joke about it. It is healing. My herpster friends and I do joke about it when we are together. We are in a safe place and laughing about it takes away some of the discomfort and stigma and lets us take if far less seriously, even for that moment. :) Unfortunately, being in Canada, I don't have access to the link Alyssa. Darn! Have a fantastic day everyone!! Keep smilin.

I am so excited. Isn't it amazing how one simple viral skin condition can offer such a gift of community, personal growth and friendship? Wow. The Universe never fails to amaze me with the many gifts life has to offer if we have the eyes to see them.

How awesome is that!!! What an amazing gift Alyssa. :)

I am so happy for you Ann. You know, the more I come to terms with the fact that this is a skin condition, the more ridiculous all this anxiety and stigma seems to me. I am so glad you found a man who could see that Ann and who could see what a Freaking Goddess (thanks lelani!) you are. I like how you approached the whole thing. And lelani, you are the Freaking Goddess who makes this site so much fun!! Thanks so much for being the amazing you you are! xo

Hugs to you Rainbow. It feels like the end of the world, but honey, it's a skin condition. If you gave him a cold sore on his lip, would you feel like the world was ending? No, of course not. It's just a matter of location sweetie. It's a minor annoyance like the flu. It comes and then it's gone and life continues as normal. If your boyfriend is becoming abusive, then you really need to keep yourself safe first and foremost but don't beat yourself up. There are lessons in all of this. If you feel like you could have done something different in that situation (I am not sure if you knew or he knew ahead of time) then you take those lessons. What has happened has happened. No amount of self loathing or anxiety will change one second of the past. The great thing is you are reaching out to the group and that is so healthy!! You obviously have enough strength to know you need support. What a great first step!!

I sounds like it's shaping up to be a great party!! Too bad we can't Skype in some of the people who are "far and away" but I know you will be there in spirit!! :) New Zealand and Spain. Wow. That is a bit of a trip. :)

Where are you at lelani? I am on the ooooothhhhherrrrr side of the country and in Canada, but I I had a credit with United that I had to use up so it seemed like it was fate! :) I will let you know what it's like. I am so looking forward to it! I have never been to NC either, so that will be an adventure also.

Well, everything is booked so I am on my way!! :) Looking forward to it. Who else is coming to this life changing weekend?

It is annoying but I am with you Adrial, they just don't understand it. I think having herpes does make us realize how what we say, even as an offhand comment, can have a real effect on someone else. To us, it is nothing but to someone else it could be very hurtful. I think we need to have compassion for others, as you say, and realize they are coming from a place of ignorance and "it's not personal" and that yes, statistically, the ones throwing the comments around could very well unknowingly be in the same boat. The stigma does make me crazy though. They talk about every other herpes - shingles, chicken pox, mono, cold sores, like it's nothing. They have signs up at Safeway advertising shots for shingles. People walk around with cold sores, no problem. It's all a "skin condition" until you change the neighborhood, then everyone is all freaked out. Eeesh. So frustrating.

Thanks so much Adrial, pc and lelani. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. On/off/on. And yes, you are right - I need to take a good look at him and his "awesomeness" factor. I have sort of taken a step back and will let him come to me. I am not playing this on/off game. I get that it's not an easy thing to deal with but, in my mind anyway, at some point you're either in or you're out. And if he's not able to do that with this situation, we are going to have issues down the road. Who knows. I tend to pull back when I feel like I am going to get hurt but maybe that is just the part of me who is allowing me to take some time to really examine "what is" instead of "what I have projected". And really, why should he have to "accept" me. Yeah, I have herpes but I am a pretty awesome person as well. Perfect? Oh heck no! I can be insecure and impulsive and have moments of insanity. But that is balanced by the fact that I am a caring, loving and intelligent woman. We all come with baggage. The herpes just seems to take center stage at first. I am not going to spend my life apologizing or feeling less than for having herpes because it has made me the partner I am today. The right one will see that. And if he is the right one, well, at some point soon he'll get some perspective on this whole thing. One comment I did make to him is that living with herpes is no big deal. It's a minor annoyance like the flu. What is hard is dealing with people about it. But you know the really ironic thing about this is that I am more comfortable with it and am also looking forward to having to have the Talk again. LOL (Remind me of this when I am freaking out next time!) Hey, I had to have the talk with my optometrist. Geeze Louise. I went for an eye exam and he asked if I was on any meds and I said yes, Valtrex. Then he started asking what kind - coldsores, etc. SOOOO.... now he knows! Apparently the herpes virus can affect vision. There's a conversation I never expected to have but I survived!! :)