lelani

The hugest hug for you...you are not on your own and while it seems like your life is ending it isn't. I remember my first outbreak too and I spent days crying and thinking my life was over, it didn't help that I physically felt so bad too. Now 7 months down the track I realise my life is not over and I have made some really close friends because of H. I decided to be open about it and in turn people have revealed really private things about themselves because they feel a connection and won't be judged. This is a real lesson in being kind to yourself, H just brings out the fears and negative stuff we have already....for us to really deal with and start loving ourselves. I love what Hopp says about striving to live bigger than you are now - it is sooooo true. Whenever you have a negative thought or feeling...think about how you can be bigger than it choose to be that. Think of how you can help other people by being non judgemental and supportive, in turn you help yourself be more of that. This is a painful thing to go through and is a very lonely place to be...I am so glad you reached out too because we all care, we understand how you feel and also know it gets better. Trust that it gets better and that you are a worthwhile and deserving person - this is just a challenge for you to show that person to the world, to those your life touches. Its about being a light and shining when it is dark..take little steps, keep in touch with us and know that you can say anything here and we will accept you and understand. So kick those voices in the ass, they are not you :-)

You both sound just gorgeous - I won't go into details about my herpes story, you can check out my other posts...I just understand the difficulties we all face with herpes. The more accepting and open you can be about this the more you will find others responding to it and your connections getting deeper with people. You will find someone special and you just have to be more discerning and truthful...both good things. This really is a test of integrity and those tests are never easy... Regardless of herpes, you are still charismatic, funny, intelligent and adventurous...and you will find those parts of you again. Don't let herpes stop you, I haven't. Just remember its a process and some of the steps go backwards at times...just choose to be who you really are and don't let herpes determine that. You are worth more :-)

Yes I did and they settled into a constant cycle until about 2 months ago...I thought it would go on forever....and then suddenly they stopped almost overnight, I think mhy body finally got a handle on it. I don't take medication, just eat a very alkaline diet, take barley grass powder morning and night, exercise daily and actively practice keeping positive...accepting, forgiving, letting go of unimportant stuff and negative people, finding things to laugh about and enjoy every day...creating my life so I love it. When I feel myself slipping, herpes has a way of making sure I get in balance again - my life has been better and my challenge is to stay healthy and form deeper connections with people. I agree with Hopp...what we have is less important than who we are.

I understand what both of you are going through...I contracted HPV from my now unfaithful and ex husband and HSV2 from another man I loved who had been given wrong information from his doctor and thought he was ok as he hadn't had an outbreak for 20 years. We aren't together now but not because of H (circumstances) and we are still good friends. I have had HPV for 26 years and HSV2 for 7 months...I know what it is life to have to disclose and to accept what I have, and I come two for one! It has not stopped me from having relationships or sex...although I am careful and creative. I have learned that disclosing is a test of my character and integrity more than anything else. I have a gorgeous friend with benefits at the moment who I do not go all the way with...I am just very creative. He accepts me and enjoys my creativity - he would like to go further as we used to (he is a lover from a few years ago before H) but allows me to go as far as I want... You will be accepted and I've found it gets easier to talk about the more i do it. I don't feel any stigma now (I soooo did at the beginning and did all the crying too). Just as you have said, H weeds out the crappy me who aren't worth it...like yours Cas - he isn't worth your time or energy. My best friendships have developed since H as I am open and honest with people, they appreciate it and we connect at a deeper level - it has been surprising what others have told me about their lives...H is n't the worst believe me! I had 5 months of constant outbreak and have worked hard on my thoughts, diet, time management and forgiveness - no no symptoms for the last two months at all. H will be a blessing to keep me healthy in every area of my life - if I get out of balance I know it will kick me into finding it again. You will grow stronger and the connections you have will be deeper...and we are not victims at all unless we choose to be. Choose integrity, openness and acceptance - forgive your giver and yourself and life will be good, I promise you :-)

I have had a month of no symptoms except maybe a prodome for a day - still not sure of that though. It feels amazing to feel ';normal'. I have had sex in the last month with an ex lover and its beeb great - he knows and is accpeting, is ok about me not going all the way if i feel its not safe (and likes the creativity of not going all the way!) and I make sure he showers afterwards each time (and he asks me to shower with him the love!). I don't feel quite so hopeless now but when he goes away overseas again...sigh...not sure how I will feel about a new lover. Like you I fear passing this on..I have HPV too from my ex husbands unfaithfulness. It's hard to tell someone you are the two for one girl! Maybe I need to write a lullaby for that too ;-)

I love your writing Dom.. Love the line about H lying contentedly asleep...my thoughts and affirmations every day focus on it sleeping - and after 6 months of it being very awake and intrusive it is sleeping for now, I hope a long time. Every line I could identify with and I thank you for sharing your words, your thoughts, your emotion. Lelani x

you are so right Elle...the awful times pass and there are always wonderful things around the corner. From wondering how anyone would want me again I have just spent another afternoon with my recently returned ex lover (I didn't have H when we were together) , who accepts and loves being with me - we are not each others 'one', we just enjoy each other and are lucky enough to be able to spend some time together before he goes overseas . He is teaching me to enjoy my body again and feel ok about having H - for that reason he will always be special to me. I accepted H in a boyfriend and got it, now someone is accepting me - we are out there...people who are not afraid, who take worthwhile risks and truly love. And those who cannot be like this aren't worth having in your life H or no H - H just weeds them out quicker! All my support back elle :-)

Yes welcome to the family, lovely. I have to say this little H family here is gorgeous and I love checking in to see who has written. Everyone is so open and positive (even when ranting – sometimes it's good to do it and we all understand). I have had a longggggggg series of outbreaks since last September and have finally had three weeks of feeling normal again. It was a bit depressing at times thinking it would go on forever. I am not on medication, just eating healthy (cut out sugar and eat mostly raw foods, and take lysine, vitamin C, zinc and olive leaf extract) . Every day I smooth a pure virgin coconut oil around my vagina and with an outbreak I add Manuka oil to it for healing. I do things I love and concentrate on my family and friends and being the best person I can be. Make sure you pamper yourself and do things that make you happy. There are so many other awful things we could have that make our lives challenging. Your body will start to get a grip on H soon, stay positive and imagine every day that you are healthy. I say affirmations every day and really feel in my heart that I am healed when I say them.... "My body is powerful and its healing powers keep my viruses dormant" (I have both HSV2 and high risk HPV) "I am strong and healthy and I enjoy my sexuality" I think saying these everyday really helps – makes me focus on being healthy and trusting my body to heal itself. I was given 6 months to live when I was 23 and used affirmations to help me heal. Against all odds and using only natural therapies I got well – I know i can do it again and we all can with the right attitude and being kind to ourselves. It does get better and you have us to help you whenever you need it. ElleMN you have such a great attitude too - have loved reading your comments! A hug to you both :-). xx

Well....He's told me I was amazing last night and asked me if he was good... aawhh...I thought that was so nice. He was worried about the same thing and was more concerned about performing himself and making me happy that he didn't even think of herpes. I had to be creative seeing I didn't want to overdo it...and that's a good thing! OMG I can't believe I am writing this stuff...but I also think we all need to be more real and this is life, this is how it is for me and hopefully it might help someone else with herpes...to be more real, brave about saying who they are and their truth and know that we can create our experience when something happens to us. And that here you can say what you think. And right now I am being pathetically ultra observant about any outbreak starting...so I have made Plum sauce, Plum jam and now onto a dessert - plum pudding...the things you do for distraction!!!!

I want to say...go you!!!!! Yes you are dealing with some hefty stuff and yes shit happens...and it happens to us all - I had serious shit at the same age that I literally didn't think I would live through. I agree with Hop (sorry mate...its easy to type :-) ) that its not what happens to us its how we react to that determines how we feel and work through it. I want to give you another hug...you are on the way and I think you have softened too...maybe it was because you could just spit it out on here and let some of the anger go. I am glad you did because I can feel that you are working through all this and seeing the lessons. So glad you found a better doctor...the medication will help you over this hump. And that is all it is, your life is not going to be like this forever and you are already seeing it differently, and that means things will change. We only see what we believe. So keep reading and learning about life and yourself...illness kicks us in the ass to do that! The woods don't sound so dark now and you may get lost a bit again but its all part of it and you will soon be over the worst. I'll keep a look out for you on here and will never judge you - might challenge you a bit but its only how I have challenged myself to get better and be happy. Yes look after yourself...rest and eat well...and let your fiance look after you too. x

hahah I laughed out loud too just thinking about it. Well I worked it ;-) and it was lovely. No fireworks for me (though he was VERY happy! ) but the earth shook a little bit lol. He was tender and totally accepting...and that was worth more than anything to me. I realise I am just getting back on the bike - a different bike, bit wobbly to start with - have to learn how to use the new gears and brakes but I'll be flying along soon :-)! Thanks for your support H Opp and love your sense of humour...life is so much easier when we can laugh at ourselves aye? x

Gosh tonight's the night...I am feeling very healthy and no sign of symptoms or any pre-symptoms, so that's good. He's sooooo looking forward to seeing me...I am soooo looking forward to seeing him. But god I feel nervous....will having sex set off an outbreak? Is it going to feel different? Actually I feel the same as the first time I ever did it and then it was...will I get pregnant? Will I know how to do it? Same feelings, just different triggers! Okay, I'm off to get ready...!

Ouch - I know it can be so painful the first outbreak and I feel for you solbird. Not much you can do about the running until you feel better - glad the medication is kicking in. I doubt your future outbreaks will be so bad so having to stop exercise won't be a problem - right now your body if fighting an unknown virus and its doing alot of work - you need to rest hand heal. I drink lots of filtered water - Vit C 1000mgs 3x a day. Take 2000mgs lysine and get some zinc tablets as well. Water is a big thing - you need to flush out your system. Lots of fruit and fresh vegetables...cut back on bread, sugar and no alcohol. Just being healthy really. For the sores - organic virgin coconut oil with tea tree oil in it (make it up yourself) its soothing and healing. Dabbing them with organic cider vinegar is good (dilute half and half) - hurts but heals fast. A bath with epsom salts can help too - add one cup. Soak 20 minutes and then apply the coconut/tea tree oil. Its great you have a supportive boyfriend as that really helps. I am on my own and its a bit harder to deal with it sometimes. Your doctor isn't totally correct - suppressive medication only reduces the transmission rate by about 50%. I will take it only if I am dating someone HSV negative (only because I like using natural stuff to heal my body before I resort to drugs). Your boyfriend needs to get tested asap - if he is positive no problem and no need for suppressives (which can, but not always reduce outbreaks) and if he is negative then you need to talk about going on them reduce the chances of him getting it. If you have had at least one other sexual partner then you could have contracted it from them - the virus can lay dormant for lengths of time (took me 6 months to have my first OB from being exposed). This virus makes you care for your body to stay healthy and to be very aware of it- not a bad thing. Learn all you can - there are heaps of natural health sites for herpes. Be wary of 'wonder' treatments...good old natural stuff that is cheaper can be just as effective. And Bree you are welcome...we are all in this together and its a privilege for me to share my experience with you. Lelani :-) x

Thanks you guys...I feel so much better and I am so glad you have worked through it and love your wisdom! II just needed this kind positive input from those who have gone before! You are right it does slow you down and I love that. It also makes you more honest and that creates intimacy too. I have always massaged people (not for a job but learned and use it to help those I care about). At the moment I get to see three of my guy friends naked several times a week - am on a shoulder fixing crusade lol. They are getting better and I get to touch men naked without worrying about H hehe! I also dance (Ceroc..modern swing) and get to be hot and sexy several times a week with many men - and just leave it on the dance floor. There are so many ways to express intimacy and sexuality - somehow we have been conditioned to think the only way is a 'shag' (pardon the kiwi expression!). I have to say that dancing like that has been my saving grace - think more people should try it! So thanks again..I'll keep you posted on how it all goes ;-) And the blindfold thing...

Ok I am really positive about herpes...only the odd pity party that doesn't last long, even in the middle of an outbreak ... now it's the fear of sex to deal with. Not sex itself because I love it and miss it. But the whole 'will it set off an herpes outbreak?'..."what if he catches herpes?'..'will I be able to relax and get into it without worrying?' He's a gorgeous lover from a couple of years ago who is moving back — both of us are single and have stayed friends (he's a bit younger and no kids but wants them — I'm older and had all my kids — get the picture of why we aren't still together?). Anyway, both of us would love to be intimate again, and I have had the herpes talk and he was totally accepting, agreed that him being tested beforehand was a good idea and is looking forward to us getting together again. He is prepared to wait going all the way until i feel okay about it and understands that I may have to be 'creative' in the meantime. This is the perfect disclosure scenario and I am very thankful...just a tad nervous I won't be able to relax — well at least we have talked about it and if I freak out a bit he knows he's in for a good massage....and he will be happy with that. I would appreciate any feedback on how the first time went with anyone else...any tips on making it easier? God, I feel like it's really the first time, lol!

Love your words Ty - just how I think too and so refreshing to hear those words again from some else..positive, healing and so real. I can feel the authenticity in your words and know that you would be someone I would love to meet and get to know because of that, pleased to meet you!

I read your post leslie and am sorry you are going through this. I have recently had the same thing happen abruptly with someone who I thought would be forever...you wonder how the universe can be so cruel after you have been so brave and the response has been one filled with such promise. You soooo can consider it a success, for having integrity and the courage to be honest.

Fml you aren't being rude at all and I do know how you are feeling, I have been there and not just with H. I contracted genital warts from my husband being unfaithful to me when I was 23 (I had to be tested for AIDS too as one of the women he was with had been exposed). And around that time I had a baby and was given 6 months to live. I do know what it is like to feel like life is over, to feel dirty and that no one will love you...and that I wasn't even special enough faithful to. But I lived through all that and learned that I am more than what happens to me and the darkest times have eventually brought the best times. I have been angry and understand how awful betrayal feels...and being angry doesn't mean you are a bitter asshole, it just means you are grieving. But as long as you are chronically holding onto that anger it is hard for your body to heal. The correlation is that if you are angry and unforgiving you create chronic tension and adrenalin in your body - both of which block healing. I agree with H Opp in that just allow yourself to feel it and don't judge yourself...just know that you do have the power to move on and find love, for yourself and with someone else...there is another way and it is a choice and yes you do have control over it if you want it. I am sending you love and good thoughts with all my heart.

I just want to give you a big hug...I know how it is to feel like this..only I let it go in a couple of months. I have constant herpes outbreaks too — am menopausal and this triggers outbreaks. I have looked at it as a spiritual lesson ... I am not religious, I have just faced dying in my life and learned with that that everything is a lesson, everything is an opportunity to grow and feel a deeper connection with yourself and life. The thing that jumps out at me from your post is anger, resentment and self loathing — my heart goes out to you as these beliefs are what are destroying your enjoyment of life and not the H. Somehow these beliefs and the thoughts they create have to be changed: thoughts create emotions and the only way to change that is to change how you think. Forgiveness, acceptance and loving yourself is needed to heal as well as eating right and exercising. If i told you that to reduce your outbreaks dramatically and enjoy life you would have to forgive your giver, would you? And if you wouldn't, why not? Don't you want to be happy? Forgiving your giver (he may not have known, and his former promiscuity has nothing to do with it — many people have got it with one committed partner). Your resentment is eating away at you and destroying the quality of your life. I also have genital warts from an unfaithful husband, and he also put me in debt. I could be angry and bitter but I choose not to be. I want to be happy because I know how short life can be. But if you want revenge then the best revenge is living well and being happy. Be an inspiration to others ... and love yourself. Your attitude doesn't suck and I think we have all been there, and return there sometimes ... it just isn't working for you and you are unhappy. It's all a process and doesn't happen overnight. Try rewriting your post as if you are counselling someone else who you love and who you don't want to see so unhappy ... It is a great exercise and very healing. <3

My mother inadvertently judged me when i told her about a woman i knew who contracted it as a 16 year old and how sad it is that she has not coped with it and is now unhappy, isolated and alone at 30....despite knowing about me she said 'well she shouldn't have put herself in that position in the first place'. Whoa! But instead of getting defensive I asked my mother a series of questions (she has only ever been with my father from 16 yrs old)..."so you think we should get punished by loving someone mum?" "do you think we should be celibate forever and not enjoy a loving relationship?"...neither question could she answer yes too and the conversation went onto other things, knowing I made my point. I did feel judged but how people behave and what they say is about them and their set of beliefs. It's not wrong in that context and based on their beliefs they are right. I think something different and have experienced it so my beliefs are different again... maybe more compassionate and understanding - you can't make people 'get it' but by sensitively challenging them and not taking it personally they either shut up or make a positive shift in their understanding - that's what I want to achieve if someone judges me. And I think CONGRATULATIONS too Athena and congratulations the H Opp - wish I could meet you as I love your posts, you have great empathy and understanding. A hug for you both :-)

Yeah I know we aren't and its been really interesting that our age group have such little knowledge of this. Both men I have been involved with who have it were diagnosed 25+ years ago and thought that they were only contagious when they had OB's - that is what they were told by their doctors. And not having to go back for treatment since...both had very few OB's and didn't need to see a doctor about it or research it and they therefore didn't know any different. I think it is a big problem with our age group if people were diagnosed years ago. I have contacted my city's sexual health clinic and they weren't very helpful and then the national Herpes organisation and by both email and leaving them a message to call me...they were keen but no one has got back to me - slack!!! So I will just do it myself and then contact them to say its available - I used to teach childbirth classes and teach special courses in highschools so I have experience in adult education and support - and have set up new groups before. I'll let you know how I get on - am thinking I would like to teach sexual health in schools now - they do such a bad job of it here. Maybe I can be the change that is needed...

Thank you so much for posting Athena - it is so uplifting to hear how others are dealing with herpes and to share experiences. I am 51 so you may not be old enough to be my mother, lol. Like you I made a conscious decision to be with the man who I contracted herpes from..he was the first man who disclosed to me...before that, it was always me disclosing about my genital warts and dealing with it - what a relief to be with someone who had an STI, too! He had had it for 26 years and the risk was low - but i still got it. There are no support groups where I live and I am wanting to start one - I agree with you about giving back . I am very well known and it is a big step for me to do it, hence why i have told friends and family, good practice and they then also won't hear it from anyone else. I am glad your first disclosure was so positive...I would love to see that for everyone - the only way it can happen is to be more open about it, the more we hide it the longer the stigma lasts and the stronger it is. So I am hoping that soon i will be helping others with events and meetings to support them with herpes ... thanks Athena and much love to you too. x

You are so welcome - I think you are handling it well. It is such a big thing to disclose to someone and you can only do it when it feels right. And...you will always care about this, it is always part of you - not sure if you ever get to the stage that it doesn't feel like that. I have genital warts too - my husband was unfaithful to me years ago and I got that at 23. I left him 7 years ago and didn't date anyone for over 5 years because I felt like damaged goods...now I have contracted HSV (from another man I loved who was honest and I took the risk - we are now just friends). Really unlucky...! 'I have had to disclose both to several men I was dating and have been amazed at their positive responses. It's been good practice - I am not having a sexual relationship with any of them - by my choice because I have to get my head around having both and am still having lots of outbreaks. They have all been lovely to me and are less worried about it than I am and said that who I am is more important. But...I am staying just friends with them - I need to wait and feel more comfortable about the possibility of passing it on. I'm not worried about them telling anyone else now...I am proud of having the courage to do it...I wish that for you too. If you need to chat anytime just post on here and I will keep in touch.

Hi inspired, I have had HSV2 for a few months. I really feel for you as I know how hard it is to tell someone - and harder for you as you are still at college and it is easy for information to get passed on as everyone is in the same place day after day. I am a lot older and my friends have maturity and aren't all in the same social or business circles. I know you say you are over the burden of herpes but with having to keep such a secret you aren't...secrets that you feel afraid of sharing are burdens, it doesn't matter what they are. I have chosen (while being scared) to share with my friends....it has lifted the burden and I don't feel so isolated — the plus is that they have admired my courage and integrity (I told them I was really scared of sharing with them and they feel privileged). Now if someone finds out I will hold my head up and try and be an inspiration. It's not about if it is the best thing or not to tell...its about you being able to feel connected with someone and not isolated — even if it's just one you choose to tell. Not telling is not lying...but telling someone you trust can bring you closer together. And if you keep lying, then you aren't living with integrity and that will eventually be worse to live with than any "gossip." I am so glad you feel like you have forgiven your giver. That is a huge step...now forgive yourself and be honest — that is the biggest gift you can give yourself. Love yourself enough to tell someone you feel like you can trust. I have told most of my friends (and my adult kids — believe me, THAT is the hardest thing!!!) and it has been amazing the deeper level of friendship, discussion and connection we have experienced. It is scary but then most of the amazing things that ever happen in life are. Share your burden...it really is worth it.

Hi everyone, I just found this site and love the positive vibe it has ... I had my first herpes outbreak about 5 months ago. (I took a responsible risk with a herpes-positive man who I I thought was "the one," but we broke up due to other circumstances and are still friends.) I was, like everyone, devastated and couldn't stop crying. I wondered if anyone would want me again. ONLY I knew it would pass because I also have genital warts, which I contracted from my unfaithful husband 25 years ago (left him 7 years ago after another cheating drama!). I learned to accept that over time and now I am two for one ... It's taken these 5 months to be able to say that and not cry! I had the genital warts burned off originally. They never came back until my first HSV2 outbreak. So it felt like double whammy. How could anyone want me with two incurable STI's??? Well, 5 months down the track, and I have had a short relationship with a man who is also herpes-positive, and we broke up at christmas ... and I have had the herpes talk with several others who I have dated or are friends with. All have been positive and appreciated my courage and honesty. I have chosen not to be sexual with anyone (hard to even think of with so many outbreaks!) and instead work on building my immunity and accepting this virus. So I am eating super healthy, taking supplements, meditating, exercising — and while it doesn't seem to be helping physically yet, it is helping emotionally. I am connecting with friends on a deeper level with disclosing this and am committing myself to living with both viruses the best way I can with the best attitude. I would rather others see me as an inspiration than drag them down with a constant pity party ... and it's working! I feel better about myself and others are inspired. The moral of my story: yeah, it sucks having these viruses, but they are just another lesson in learning to connect with myself and others at a deeper level. A big hug to everyone new — it feels awful and I felt that way too — but how you feel months down the track is not about herpes, it's about you. Be an inspiration to others and your self esteem will blossom.