lelani

Oh and you are right....not a good idea to make drunk calls or texts lol...stay off the alcohol :-)

Isn't it so hard to go through all this shit...and it's not fault, it's just what we need to go through to learn. It's hared to let go of someone and we keep letting them in until we realise they really aren't good for us and we want better than that...and when we are strong enough to do it we can cut the ties. About telling her...it really is her responsibility to have the talk with him and then make her own decision, in saying that when I left my ex and we did the back and forth thing not being able to let go...I arranged for a counselling session with his mistress there - and told her then. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't inform her, because i had contracted HPV from him and didn't want some other woman (even though she was his mistress and he was still married to me) to go through the same thing. It's all about your intention and doing it kindly if you are going to inform someone. The woman I told came back to me about 10 years later (I went back to my ex and worked through it) and aplologised for her interference in my marriage and thanked me for being so kind through it all...blew me away. She had been in a bad space at the time and the result was getting involved with my husband. Most people probably wouldn't tell...I did and not only did it give me my power back, she got hers back too. Good luck, it's not easy. He doesn't deserve either of you.

I live in a country where there are no H dating sites...it actually would be nice to have one. I have dated both non H and H pos men...purely by chance when i disclosed to one and he told me he had it too. We went out for a while but he ended it...see its not always about H - he had unfinished business with his ex! But...I have to say it was nice being intimate with someone who had it too - no hassles and we both understood and supported each other. I have a lover who is H free and while he is accepting, understanding and lovely I always worry I could pass it to him so I am hyper vigilent about my body and possible symtoms. Would it stop me from dating someone H free in the future - no. I took the risk for someone special and am trusting that one day the right someone will do that for me too.

Hi Sen...yeah its a rough ride alright and you have only just hopped on the bike. It does get better and you learn to manage it. Yes Stress is a biggy so get rid of as much crap in your life as possible - for me that meant mostly negative people and reducing how much energy I gave to things i didn't need to - wasn't a bad thing! And eating well...yes just building up and maintaining a healthy immune system. H has a way of forcing you to do it and keep it up...that's a good thing too. It doesn't really matter who you got it from (as long as since then if you have had sex with anyone you let them know so they can get tested too), you have it like thousands of others like me. It just eats at you if you try and pin it on someone - and I mean we dont' worry about who gives us chickenpox, cold sores and mono are the same, same virus family and could've come from anyone (maybe we just don't sleep with quite so many people and we breathe with lol. Its just the stigma surrounding H that makes us try and determine who. I knew who, made and informed (but slightly ignorant) choice and voila! I was devastated to start with and still have times of sadness about it but 7 months down the track its not the worst thing that has happened to me so I am thankful. So start with yoga...its a great stress reliever, eat well - check in here for any support you need (I am dealing with it really well now and its always nice to give others a ray of sunshine when there doesn't seem to be any). You aren't alone and I'll be sending you good thoughts to get through these early days. :-)

64th...they aren't just kind words..they are the truth. Stop feeling guilty because all those people you have to talk to are just as responsible for their own sexual health. They are just as likely to have contracted it from someone else as from you, and if they decided to have sex with you without the talk or after it...they are responsible for the outcome, too. It is really hard to go back and tell people but integrity will feel better than guilt, no matter how hard it is to take that step. Break it down to one at a time. We all make mistakes...what we do after we realise we have made them is who we are. You are on the path to do what feeling right to you. Be kind to yourself. x

The biggest hug 64th :-) very cool that you could unload here, and with such clarity and intergrity. It is early days for you but I can feel the strength behind your words and I know you will be ok - it's such a rollercoaster of emotion and thoughts right now. You aren't alone, I've felt the same. It has got soooo much better and I can't believe how far I have come from the crying and lonely person I was months ago when i was diagnosed. Whatever the outcome with your man...you have been honest and acted with integrity with him..never be ashamed of yourself because of herpes as it has revealed the kind of person you truly are. You should be proud of yourself :-) another hug because i think you soooo deserve it. x

OMG melly girl that line is so true - i have used it myself - it's not you it's me...and it really is! I did have giggle about that. Funny thing is I have been with a guy who is HSV2 positive too - I disclosed first and was soooo releived when he said he had it too - but I was doing the it's not you it's me thing with him. The I had an ex lover come back into my life and had to tell him the same...and he totally accpeted me and made me feel beautiful again. We have all just been unlucky..only takes one person with herpes to get it no matter how many you have had sex with. And sometimes we are celebate, or in a commited relationship or just a bit slutty...it's all normal and I have caught both my STI's (HPV and HSV2) from committed realtionships - one a from a cheater and the other a responsible choice. My short time of trying out sluttyness I didn't catch anything! As for telling..I always tell and give them an out - they are't rejecting me, just the STI's and I can understand that. I am always prepared to just be friends...was hard at first, but now I have some amazing close friendships with guys and it was because i have said I need that. And yes, herpes is a great way to get rid of douche bag guys!!! Just over an outbreak that wasn't too bad, not feeling very sexy but that's ok - back into training (lifting weights) and creating art and feeling very productive. I look at my outbreaks as a time to get very nicely selfish now ;-). Let go fo the shame and do things that make you a better you, and ditch the douche bags ;-)

I'm sending you the biggest hugs laurap :-) I am so glad you feel accepted...always remember if someone calls you an ugly name or judges you it is about them and not you...if you are a forgiving and loving person you would never say anything negative or bad about someone esle let alone judge them. And sweetie we have all made mistakes...and that's what they are - we all do the best we can with what we know...if we don't know it we just don't get it! So I wish you every good thing...be the non judgemental and forgiving person you want others to be for you and you will find happiness and love...from lots of people :-) x

Oh honey you aren't dirty..but I know that feeling too. And I felt the same with my first outbreak (it lasted, or I had back to back, for 5 months!!!). When H is not showing symptoms you just get on with life and yes...if you aren't dating (me neither) there is so much time to do other stuff, get creative, get fit, meet friends - and not have any emotional drama. Big things like this do change us, it changed me and its not the first biggy i have had to deal with. You learn more each time and I think it gets easier because you learn that everything passes...an outbreak, feeling dirty, being angry, feeling sad...you think they won't but they do. I have just had another ob - first in 3 months, well I think it was one and treated it as if it was. But how cool...all the others I KNEW becasue the symptoms were so intrusive. This was an itch, a spot and thats about it. I feel totally differently about it, no big deal and am over it in a couple of days. You will feel good about your sexuality again...it takes time. I have a lover from the past I get to be intimate with sometimes and he has been wonderful, totally accepting me and helping me feel good about my body again. I dont' date at the moment- having a break from the emotional rollercoaster of it. I quite like it - having a great social life and have got out there and make new friends. Meelygirl and Emandrk...you both sound awesome and it was really good reading your experiences - I can totally relate :-)

I just want to give you a big hug and say i am so sorry this happened to you...you had no choice and have had to deal with the emotional aftermath. I know you feel like it is your fault....it so wasn't and I wish you could let go of that blame you dump on yourself. You were a child...and your trust was violated, your innocence taken away. I can understand why you put up emotional walls to protect yourself, you had to...and now you want to take them down. You totally deserve love and heaps of it...it's very sad you turned down your marriage proposal. Were you able to talk about the reasons why and did he understand? Do you still have contact with him, were you able to stay friends? I understand your frustration with therapy and church...they are outside things that help but it is your core belief that you are unworthy that is stopping you from healing. And you are worthy...your past is not you. It is something that happened to you and you did the best you could in the situation. I am glad you found this site...we all understand the feelings you have and everyone has a story about how H became part of their life. You can vent and question all you like on here :-) Big hug. x

Yeah i do know people who have herpes extriangle- my giver who is still friends with me and another man i dated. They have both been really supportive so I am very thankful for that. I have become very open about having herpes and as yet no one of my friends has said they have it. And dom...thanks for the encouragement. yes an alkaline diet really helps and means i dont' have to spend a fortune on supplements - great you are giving it a go too! The lous side is its awesome for staying really slim, having clear skin and sparkling eyes ;-) I mean now I am so gorgeous how could anyone resist me lol?

Hi Laurap...H_opp is right...get out there and do new things and you will meet new people. Get involved in things so people get to know you, join a club, volunteer for an organisation - people will value your contribution and H means nothing to them! I really feel for you too, the fear of disclosing is huge and unless you have it you CANNOT make a judgement - for me I have always disclose and i understand the fear and anxiety of tellling someone. Good thing you aren't with your old boyfriend who you got herpes from. Seems that he would have hurt you in other ways if you were still with him. And if your ex is angry, you cannot do anything about it. He has a right to feel how he does and I can also understand how he feels too. It is a hard lesson for you and I can promise you telling someone yourself is not half as bad! And you aren't a bad person so let go of beating yourself up..forgive yourself, your giver and your subsequent boyfriend. Everyone is doing the best that they can in any situation, if you don't the knowledge or experience it is easy to make mistakes...it's just how we learn. They will be learning lessons too. The best thing you can do if anyone says anything is that you forgive your giver and totally understand how your ex feels. If you knew what you know now you would have done things differently... So get out there laurap and start that new life...I did and it is sooooo much fun! Herpes is just a small part of it.

Hi dani - hope the outbreak's not too bad. I think i had it before I had an outbreak severe enough to go to the doctor. I had a couple of yeast infections in the months beforehand with a BV (bacterial vaginosis) infection with one of them - didn't think anything of it really as they weren't bad. Then i got small patches of a rash that looked like a heat rash next to my navel and on my tailbone...i thought that is what it was...then about 3 spots on the outer edge of my perinuem and the headaches started, felt like i had the flu, very tearful with a temperature. I had an awful weekend as i knew i had it, I cried until my eyes were so swollen I couldn't open them (not a good look!!!)...had been exposed (responsibly dammit!) with a partner about 6 months earlier. Went to the doctor and she said she didn't think it was H and wasn't going to test - I asked for the test and voila herpes! I didn't have a bad time with peeing or anything - just felt like i had the flu. After that i had constant outbreaks for about 7 months with the BV infection too - that I hated the most! I have been symptom free for about 3 months now and am eating an alkaline diet - mostly raw fruits and veges - minimal sugar and carbohydrates and drink lots of water. I take powdered barley grass every day but no other supplements (did the whole lysine, olive extract, zinc, vit C...was bloody expensive!). I am not on medication but if I am in am intimate with someone I do. Everyone is different, and different things work for each of us. Don't despair...it does get better and you have joined what I like to think of as an elite club. We know, unlike most others, that we have this and therefore we can deal with it, get healthier, and minimise the risk to any partners. This will take you on a journey of learning about yourself, your body, your thoughts and emotions and how you relate with others. It's not easy but nothing good ever is! Sending you love and healing :-)

Awesome post Iris...everyone needs to read this. Its true true true!!!! I would add too... 6) Herpes can make you healthier :-) because you become more aware of your body, what you put into it, do with it and what you think about yourself and life. We all want to reduce outbreaks and by eating super healthy, excercising, doing things you love, thinking positively, eliminating the shit in your life and connecting deeper with others through honesty and integrity life just gets better! Herpes is a good kick in the ass to look after yourself better and you get to reap the benefits. Because it's with us for life and can stop us from enjoying one of life's great pleasures there is more motivation to be healthy in every way!

Hi Diversity...yes I know what you mean by those random moments, wierd how H pops into your head like that. I look at it that I have random moments about all sorts of things, some easy and nice and some difficult and I wish they would go away. They aren't limited to H so I just accept H as another one and let it go like the others....my ex husband cheating on me all through my marriage, the HPV I got from him, the ex boyfriend who lied to me and went back to his ex, the difficult people i have to deal with...any number of negative thoughts that i let go of like H. Its part of us and yes will always be. When ever I think of it I say a little mantra "My body is strong and healthy and its healing power keeps my viruses sleeping" - I have both HSV2 and HPV (high risk strain). This helps me change the negative focus on my thoughts and replaces it with a thought that is much stronger and positive. It seemed silly at first but its now comforting and I have been symptom free for almost 3 months now after about 7 months of a constant first OB. We cannot controtl the fact we have this virus, we can start to control our thoughts about it and this takes constant practice. I have been very creative and found all sorts of positive thoughts to replace the negative and it has worked. That emptiness is with me when i don't have anything good to replace the dark thoughts about H and H...when i continually do it the emptiness disappears. But its like any skill - daily practice and I use my imagination about being strong and healthy and am grateful for it. I dont' want to sound like polyanna...it hasn't been easy but well worth the effort. In the meantime a hug for you and lots of healing energy is coming your way :-)

And love back to you honey...I feel for you and know every little thing you are going through. All those thoughts that race around in your head and the emotions that come up from those thoughts. I have always found that when you feel like you really need to disclose and can't stand it is when you need to say something - for the very reason that not saying it is worse and eats you up as much as not saying something. Have you read the e book on this site? Good advice and I have to say that I haven't been rejected yet - I have been the one to say I need to go slowly and can be 'creative', just not able to go all the way yet. Honestly I have found the men I have dated who i needed to tell to be understanding and supportive - one even said 'is that all?', he said he could deal with that better than emotional crap lol. Another I still get intimate with, an ex lover in pre herpes days who came back from overseas. He read up about it and said I am so lovely that he is prepared to take the small risk and knows that I will do everything to keep him safe. I was 'creative' with him until i felt comfortable enough to go all the way. I am nervous every time to tell, there is no getting around it. What it does though is make you braver, have integrity and be more sensitive to how someone else feels. They are all good things. Know your facts so you can answer questions, don't make it a big deal and really be true about allowing them to take the time to process it. I have always said that I understand if they do not want an intimate relationship with me but that i think they are very special and I would be friends with them anyway. We don't need to tell you what to do..when you are ready you will do what is right for you. It's usually when our elephant in the room gets too big to hide we usually do it lol. All the best and keep me posted?? I will send you some good energy to help :-)

I do know how you feel..I am very well known (have been on TV and sang in a well known band here in my city...amoungst other public stuff). I have been pretty open with my family and close friends (both men and women)...yet i am not actively dating anyone close to home. I have been amazed at the support from those I have told, even my adult kids (that was a tough one but i want them to be informed too and it was hard to hide how sick i kept getting for several months). I have discolsed to dates and it does get easier and the e book will help. I think different age groups have different difficulties with disclosing and definitely as you get older the more mature and accepting people are. But its getting it right with yourself first and accepting and loving yourself - that what I have found, I found myself again and then it got easier telling others. I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely...you aren't alone though and I am sending you good thoughts.

OMG he texted you that...then thank God for herpes in that it has stopped you from going too far and fast with such a jerk...literally or not it is better to stay away from this guy as he has just shown his true colours. Herpes would be the least of your problems if you were with him! You are right - he's a douche lol! And rant all you like - that's the nice thing about being on here...and I love checking in to see - especially if something I have said has helped and someone feels better :-) Yeah we can't change it - herpes is here to stay (we just have to try and keep it sleeping!), just like we can't change other things we don't like about our bodies or ourselves but have to accept. I mean if you write a list, there is more than herpes we are embarrased about, don't like or wish looked different! Yup dating is hard, even without herpes. And casual flings...I have let them go and you know, its not so bad, being less complicated lets me get on with other things. I still flirt and have fun, just keep men at a distance - crazy but they pursue more, maybe I seem like a mystery! Nice thing is i have way more friendships with men now than I did before herpes. Gotta go...nice chatting inspired :-)

I can't believe the ignorance within the medical community. I have had friends told the same thing when i have encouraged them to get tested - they have been told all sorts of misinformation. I am finding too that people over 40 who have it a long time are doing the same as your friend, they were told on diagnosis years ago that they won't pass it on without symptoms and of course they believe it - if they have had no symptoms they haven't needed to talk about it and still think that the advice is true. This is how i caught it...I was as ignorant as my partner even though we had each talked to our doctors. That's why I think this site and others like it are invaluable...we learn from each other and help each other do the right thing by ourselves and those we are intimate with. Thanks Hopp :-)

Yes your giver did you a favour...and actions speak louder than words. Both of them have demonstrated they are not worth your time and energy. Hold your head high and know that you were trying to act with integrity and sensitivity - and you will find a guy who can do the same. There are all sorts of things that can cause 'rejection' in a new relationship and most of them aren't herpes...lack of chemistry, not wanting to commit, not over their ex...anything! I dated someone with herpes and believe me, he ended up not being over his ex and it was more drama than having to disclose to someone who has herpes! Create your life so you are happy on your own, develop friendships first and just see where they go without expectation. You will find someone - i have met several and it was reasons other than herpes that the relationships didn't flourish romantically. I am friends with them now as they loved my honesty about herpes and have a lot of respect for me..and we became friends first. Let go of your giver and the friend....there are much better guys out there.

What a great thing to do! I have meditated for 20 years and live by buddhist principles - the healing, wisdom and self acceptance you gain from it will be invaluable. Good on you for taking a step to healing. Sending you good thoughts and healing tool. :-)

It's ok to be bummed out and have all those fears...you will be getting them now with the breakup. I have had it 7 months and have to say it was easier when i was dating someone with herpes than someone than without it. Breaking up with your boyfriend has kind of tipped you out of the safety net - being with him and being accepted meant you didn't have to think of those things...and now you do. We all do and you are being completely 'normal'. I think its wonderful that not only are you thinking of how to best deal with this yourself you are also reaching out to others...I have to say i think this is a gift of herpes. We all deal with it differently but I think have all gone through the same emotions and fears. And it is so ok to cry...I did so much of it at the beginning and now only now and then I feel sad and anxious about it. I have had so many other things in my life that have caused the same emotion, different circumstances same shit so to speak. Don't settle for someone...there are guys who will accept you. Right now I am not dating but had an ex lover (pre herpes) who has become a lover again...it's my fear and not his that holds me back but I have learned to be very creative lol. You don't have to have full sex to enjoy it...and he has learned that as well - herpes is teaching us both to be more open and definitely creative. He loves my honesty and I love his acceptance, not only of herpes but my fears about passing it on to him. Yes I still have those fears and don't know if they will truly go away, I know my body very well and do everything to minimise the risk so any partner is less at risk with me that if they have sex with someone else really. The only difference between being laid up and feeling awful and being contagious between the Flu and herpes is with herpes you have the stigma of it being 'down there' - the odd time I have got the flu theres been nothing passionate happening either and we don't freak out about getting the flu each year(I'm hoping now H will appear as often as I get the flu - hardly ever!). So a big hug, let yourself cry and know that yes you will be accepted again and you are worth it. x

That's awesome you are taking steps to strengthen your immune system... herpes has a way of making us do that! Cut out as much sugar as you can too, smoking and sugar make it hard for your body to heal itself. It does get easier and won't seem so awful...you become more aware of your body and realise that H is there to get you back on track to look after yourself. I like this forum too...it's nice having a small group of people who are dealing with this so positively. I don't know anyone who has herpes and to just be able to share with others who do is helpful. And now to be able to support others is really important to me.

Emma Lyn I posted you....it just wiped it..and it was a looooong one too!!! I said the same kind of things Hopp did too and I know what you are going through too - I am seven months down the track. Ihad the first 5 months with one constant OB and thought that would be my life. Now I have been two months free of symptoms woohoo! I cried, didn't want anyone to know, had to disclose, had a recurrance of HPV which I caught when I was young (from unfaithful ex husband)and thought no one would want me. Now i know I can get better, disclosing gets easier, I have no symptoms of either virus right now and I there are men who have wanted me...so life goes on and it gets better. I am glad you opened up and it is a privilege to read your words, so many I have thought too. It is a process and I still have times when I cry, when it is hard and when i think it sucks...but those times fewer the more open I am and accepting of this. I learned to do it with the HPV and so it isn't so hard this time, it's a bit difficult to tell potential partners they get two for one with me though! You are 19 and have so much to experience yet...you will find someone and maybe H is a good thing, it will make you more careful and discerning with men. And don't compare yourself to your friends with boyfriends and babies...there is so much more to life and you will get to experience it before being tied down to kids. Keeping men at a distance isn't a bad thing, you give yourself time to check them out and see how good a choice you are making. Believe me, any wrong choice can be worse than H! And you aren't pathetic or boring..you are very real and yes you have stepped onto another planet but it isn't so bad and there's some good people here :-) xx

Yes it is normal..I had a vaginal bacterial infection too and it went on for months - actually I think that was worse than anything. I had days in bed initially, headaches as well and felt awful (all the crying didn't help either!). Yes tough it out...there is a point and it is to make you tougher. I am seven months down the track now and after what seemed like one constant outbreak for 5 months all the symptoms suddenly stopped...have only had maybe slight tingling and redness a couple of times in the last two months. I feel so much better and am getting on with life. I have stepped up keeping healthy - exercising every day with walking and I dance three times a week, I eat REALLY healthy and do affirmations and meditation every day. I feel so healthy now and have H to thank for that, if I get more outbreaks I know I need to get some balance back in my life - its like a built in health check for me. I focus on being a good friend and volunteering helping out in the community - thinking of others and helping others is an awesome way of seeing that life is worth it, and letting you see that you are worth it too. And it's fun, I have met awesome people and made great friends. They don't care what I have, they care about me and how I contribute to their life. And about the voices..if you are thinking about them then they aren't you and you can control them, it takes practice but its worth it. Any questions...just keep firing away, we will answer them as best we can and you can always know we understand. Sending you love and healing and courage...x