lelani

Welcome KB...yeah I love this site too because its so positive. I was hoping I would be one of the lucky ones when I was diagnosed too...but alas I had constant herpes outbreaks for the first 5 months. Then like magic they stopped and since then only a couple of minor ones that amount to next to nothing. And around your period...yes hormones can be a trigger. If you look after your body and your thoughts the outbreaks will decrease in time. And you will enjoy sex again and telling people becomes easier. Just remember that this is just a part of you...not all of you and doesn't define who you are. You define who you are by how you look after yourself and by what you think and your actions...so keep positive and have faith that while your sexual life may be different, it will be more honest and give you the opportunity to act with integrity - and that's a good feeling. And H has a way of getting rid of jerks anyway...like a little relationship insurance policy.

Good luck! I am sending the biggest best vibes for tomorrow! The e-book is great and it's how I disclose...and I have to say I haven't had a bad experience with that yet. I so know what you mean about separating the condition from the self when so many other scenarios have WAY bigger impact on day to day life with someone. I didn't run away when my herpes-giver disclosed to me...but then I had disclosed I had HPV too...I have had an STI my whole adult life so its been something I have had to deal with seems like forever. I was so relieved to find someone had something too! I think it is the lack of education, lack of talking openly about it and the reality that if you get it it is there forever and you have to deal with the consequences forever..like telling someone you have it. Maybe its dealing with having to be truly honest and vulnerable that is then the fear? He's crazy about you...then if he is the right one he'll work through herpes.

Hey Canadian Guy...I'm with Hopp on this and he has worded it much nicer than I would. I get that you are angry, I also get you are going through a dilemma where you are keeping secrets about herpes from the women you love. But don't come on here and ask a question of everyone and then get aggressive if their answer doesn't back up your need to be dishonest about having herpes. You can find any statistic in the world to back up anything you want to...but you can't find honesty and connection if you are keeping secrets from those you love or care about, secrets that affect their health and their lives. And if a girl has let loose enough to sit on your face, I doubt the fun stops there...and you don't see why you should disclose before she sits on your face? Regret, self pity and permanent misery doesn't come from herpes, it's living with dishonesty and not having the courage to be truthful that will cause that. Maybe it's time for you to get honest CG...?

OMG what a man....would even be celebate with you...I say thank God for H! I had to laugh about his race to the bathroom and frantic scrubbing...too funny! Pity you didn't have a scrubbing brush handy to offer him! I have a FWB who I care about a lot and he accepts me...we were having a thing before H and I stopped seeing him before I met my giver. Well my lovely FWB doesn't see the drama...its me who is overly careful. After sex we always shower...together...and its a nice ritual we have. He lets me wash him and it feels like a gift from me to him to help protect him...and he loves how relaxed and intimate that time is! Would i change to going back to 'carefree' sex? Sometimes I wish I could and miss it...actually right now I miss sex totally with being alone. But I am off out dirty dancing tonight with a hot 30 year old...and a couple of cute 20 somethings so I'll be damn sexy, say thankyou very much and go home without any drama! Thank god for dirty dancing I say lol! All the best for this weekend.x

I love your message and could have written it myself...I understand how you feel and am sending you huge vibes for this weekend. I'm 51 I have only had HSV2 for about 9 months, from a special man who I took the risk with. I have had HPV for 28 years (it only recurred with my firs H OB, from my ex husband (and I know exactly what you mean about the hypocrisy around that!). I know what its like to be happy and healthy...and have the H's...they are really, on the scale of things, just a small part of my life... until I have to disclose. I just try and remember people with all sorts of illnesses and conditions go through the same thing when they want to be intimate with someone so we aren't alone with these feelings, it just happens to be because of H and not something else. I was talking to a guy the other day who doesn't date because he's really short, been rejected and got hurt and now is too scared to ask a woman out...he can't unshort himself just like we can't unH ourselves. He's gorgeous and I would so date him ..but he won't take that risk of getting hurt again. Take that risk of telling your man. You took the risk, I took the risk and there are others like us who see past H. If he's truly right for you it will all go well, if he isn't H may save you alot of pain down the track. Stay present, trust all is going perfectly even if you can't see it. Big hug and let us know how it goes. x

Hey nmo..there was heaps I didn't know about HSV1&2 before I got H too...I didn't even know you could get HSV1 from oral sex...and I was married to someone for 25 years and never got it from him..and there was a serious amount of oral sex in that time! I though H2 you could only get if there were symptoms...so did my partner (we are older and that's what they used to think). There needs to be way better education, my kids now aren't being taught it either, sex education doesn't cover it at all!!! Crazy!

Hey Kev..I have been following you posts and being someone who contracted H from a partner knowingly taking the risk I get where you are coming from. It's been great reading your journey through this and I think you are a great guy to be so caring to find out about it and come on here. I chose to take the risk with my man as he was taking a risk with me having genital warts (from my unfaithful husband). I was unlucky to get H. Having said that, after the initial 5 months of constant outbreaks and feeling like crap it now doesn't feature much apart from the odd prodrome (I think!) and at times feeling down about the hassle of disclosing. You are taking responsibility for yourself and are trying to sort out your feelings for this woman...the sign of a good man. H makes you take it slow and I think its a good thing. Now that I have it I would give a man who was interested and attracted to me the time to work this out, and understand if he chooses not to be intimate with me. So just take it slow, there is no hurry. By being honest now and supporting each other to deal with this you set a great foundation if it is going further. You haven't said you are blown away by her and she is the one for you...so don't rush, it may not be H making you feel like you want to take it slow but something else you can't identify yet.

I love what you write nmo...straight up and truthful! Having had the odd period of being slutty...and happy with it...and not contracting anything from it (yes my gifts have been from my husband and a special lover who I was committed to) I am now having period of celibacy. That's only because I haven't met anyone I want to get naked with...after coming out of a 'who would want me' and 'I can't be bothered with the drama of disclosing' phase. So if you are a slut then so am I, just not a practicing one right now lol. Lifegoeson...if someone called me a slut I would just smile and say 'why yes I am' just to see their reaction and as for the jokes...I have heard them but just let it go. You only get targeted with stuff like that if you lack confidence, have friends who aren't good for you or are feeling really sensitive about yourself. So best thing to do whatever you need to increase your confidence in yourself, get on with life and get out out of your comfort zone, do things you love...and no one bothers to target you, because you have no reason to react!

Hey nmo...no judgements here...I too had an open relationship with my ex husband for several years (more open on his part but I gave it a go for a short time). I was just lucky I didn't get exposed to it way back then. Glad you have shared too...that's the good thing about being on here. If anyone did make a judgement you would have so many more supporting you, that one judgment would be a bit like a clothed person being on a nudist beach...like duh :-)!

You go girl!!!! See..H has made you take a path that is good for you, something you may not have pushed yourself to do if you didn't get it. You will love it, it will expand you and life will get bigger that H or being dumped. Yes you will get over him...and sooner than you think. And being dumped by text...he's not worth it and has shown you his true colours before you got in too deep..believe me you would have been hurt more by this man if you stayed with him. I was asked for a divorce by text...texting is a cowards way of dealing with something and a good way of knowing that person is not good for you! Hey...going through hell is all relative...how much a hell it is depends mostly on your choice of thoughts. I have learned to be thankful for all I have been through, it has made me stronger, more compassionate and I take life or people way less seriously..hence I laugh more and rarely get mad about anything or anyone...surely that's a better way to live than being sad or angry. Get out there and take every opportunity...and enjoy being single and going to college. I wanted to cheer when i read your words!!! And any time you need to vent or need support post on here and you will always find understanding..we are in this together! x

Sounds like it could be but maybe it isn't...the doctor should really do a swab to confirm whether you have it genitally, this is what I mean about the not knowing... you have every right to ask for swab to be done :-)

Hi yesyouwillbeok ;-)...I think that just by asking the question you want an answer and you doctor just 'inspecting' it doesn't do that for you...you are right to question trusting his judgement and I would insist on swab being done. If the sore is still there get back in and demand one. My doctor also did an inspection and said I didn't have HSV2...the swab I requested proved it. Seems kind of dumb to me to have someone come in with oral H complaining of a sore genitally and NOT to fully test for it. At least with a swab you will know and not be left wondering, which I think is worse.

Exactly Dee...remember that everytime you feel down or want to disclose to someone. When you tell someone you are giving them the opportunity to be more of who they are and if they can't they don't deserve you, because in the telling you are being the best you can be :-)

oops I meant don't hang in too long in a failing relationship...duh!

A big hug for you daisy...I so know that feeling when you think you have found 'the one' and you get dumped. Ironically after I was diagnosed I met someone who was H positive too and we fell madly in love...I thought I had found the one. Then his ex came back on the scene and he dumped me to go back with her! We get dumped for all sorts of reasons other than H...that taught me to remember that for the future. I was someone who was willing to love someone with H and I contracted it...I have lover who hasn't changed his mind since my diagnosis (we are just lovely FWB - he's younger, travels overseas a lot and eventually wants babies). I struggle with maybe passing it to him but he thinks its really no big deal and knows I do everything to reduce the risk. He has been a blessing to me. It will happen for you and in the meantime do things that you love...try new things and stepping out of your comfort zone with new people. Take the time to love being single. Give yourself some time to get over this man and know that he wasn't the one for you...H has sorted him out before you find there are other things that wouldn't be right for you with him. It may have eliminated some future pain with this man...I mean what would he do if you had a serious illness or accident if he runs with this? He may just need time to assimilate it so if he does let him have that, it is something he would need to think about. Take care of yourself and you can always come back for a chat ;-) there are so many here who understand.

My question is..if it's not a big deal but it could affect the health of someone you care about why wouldn't you tell them??? I was with my ex husband for 28 years, he had HSV1 orally and I never got it, despite enjoying oral sex from him for all that time. I didn't know I could get it genitally from him..not sure how I would have dealt with that if I had. He was unfaithful and gave me genital warts...very common but I contracted a high risk cancer strain...so abnormal smears for 10 years on and off, was scary. I know that HSV is not generally a health risk but the first 6 months for me were awful, I had constant OB's, felt ill and it cost me a lot of money to get on top of it. I knew the risk I was taking with my HSV2 positive partner, if he hadn't told me at the beginning I would have lost all trust with him like I did with my ex husband being so irresponsible and risking my health. I struggle with any suggestion you do not disclose..yes society has to rethink it and it does start with us being honest and caring enough about anyone we get naked with to tell them and educate them. I'm glad you are just calling bullshit on this one CGuy...might have been kinder to address the struggle Dee is going through though. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of that Dee, I'm glad you are happy you found this site, its pretty positive and I am glad I am here too. Don't hand too in a failing relationship if you think it is not good for you...and don't worry about anyone new yet. You need to grieve for your dad and the relationship. Get out and do things you love...try new things and when you meet someone you feel you need to disclose to...read the e book here and follow its advice - disclosing is never easy but it weeds out guys who won't be good for you. x

Hey Hopp no problem about responding...the fact you have set this site up and that it allows me to share and feel less isolated is awesome...I know you are floating around in the background somewhere ;-). I love this site because it is smaller (though growing all the time - very cool!) and I love you too...your connection, understanding and wisdom with everyone...so wish we could meet. I get inspired too every time I read your response to someone. It's one of the things about having H that is so amazing, it forces you to be vulnerable, scared and open...not easy but the connections that can come from that are priceless. Thank you for posting...I am over that sad phase and know it will come again, just have to ride it through and remember it can now be a short time before I lift myself out of it. I cried when I read your words, I never thought of myself as a wounded healer and my posts help me as much as I find it helps others. It was so special to receive support when I needed it. And it was just through words, I haven't met anyone on here but our words carry all the truth and emotion that we all feel in dealing with this. There is no support system around me in terms of anyone with H so thank you for sharing yourself with me, thank you to everyone for your stories and sharing...it helps me deal with having H in my life. And yes skype would be awesome...and so want to skype you all at the H seminar weekend too (I'd stay up for that...or set the alarm! ).xx ***and Blessed...thank you. You really are blessed :-) x

brinpdx I love how you put it...soooo true. I have learned the same through being vulnerable. I disclosed to someone this week who I am not involved with but I needed to be honest with..the best thing ever and he gets me more now and we are closer. Hard to do but was so worth it. Yeah keep on truckin :-)

HI Lisa...yeah I agree with Lion Eagle, you have to tell him...I have done the long distance thing too and its not conducive to real intimacy, hence this situation. It's so difficult, there is never the right time to say anything because you want the short times you have together to be special..so many things don't get said, or emotions truly expressed. This is the test of if you have a true love and real intimacy. I think face to face is best...but you have to be prepared to get straight back on a plane if he doesn't accept this and respond lovingly. I agree with th Hopp that you have to prepare for the worst and expect the best. There would be nothing worse that disclosing and it not going well...to have no plan to go home and be stuck there. Sending you good thoughts and just know if he reject you because of H it will be a blessing in disguise (read Lion Hearts story). Big hug. x

What an amazing story...To have such a history with this virus and be able to look back and see how it sent you down a better path than you might have chosen otherwise is awesome. So sad for you former friend Sue..she too may have contracted HIV unknowingly just like many of us with H. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have a long history with HPV from my husband and that actually influenced my choice to be with my giver (very special man) some 20 years later. We both had a contractible STI and both took the risk with each other...I was unlucky to contract his H. But I am glad that is all it was...I was tested for HIV when I contracted warts 26 years ago from my then husband, as it turned out his giver had been extremely promiscuous. Its really scary...more so back then when both treatment and prognosis were not so positive as today. Luckily my test was negative. Your story is such a strong witness to telling your truth and understanding that rejection is not a bad thing, it just sends you down a better path. Its having faith that this is what is happening...then each rejection means you are getting closer to the best right person for you rather than loosing the not so right ones along the way. Thanks Lion Eagle...I am so happy you found your special person and have a two beautiful daughters :-)

Hey UK girl I am from New Zealand and its not talked about at all...lots of misinformation and very few, if any support groups so I know how you feel! Oh the ex's...there's a reason why they become the ex. In the future herpes just moves things on a bit faster of they aren't the right one...almost like a little insurance policy for getting rid of guys who aren't good or right for you. Yes get informed and find another supportive doctor. I don't know what its like over there but doctors are slim pickings here and its hard to find a good one and get signed up as their patient. I'm lucky I have a good one but as far as herpes is concerned, she tested me, the nurse later phoned me the results and that was it...no advice...nothing! We really have to do the research ourselves and that's actually quite empowering. Good luck with a new doctor and I'm glad you found this site :-)

I have to say I am not 100% sure if I am sometimes having prodrome symptoms as I sometimes have slight irritation, if you can call it that, slight itchiness and maybe a teeny bit of redness but no breakout. Over the last two weeks I have been experiencing that on and off, wondering if it is from overheating with dancing or prodrome symptoms. It doesn't last long and I would have to be tested to really know...good thing I am single and not having to deal with telling someone "I'm not sure but...."

Nettles and edmanrck are right...he needs to get tested. That is always the dilemma we go through with this...he might leave. Yes he might, and if he does he's hardly the person you want around if you got any other illness or major challenge in your life. You know how you love him, enough to not leave if the circumstances were reversed, this is a test of both of your love..you have to love enough to tell and he will show whether he truly loves enough to accept. And that is not about you...that will show his personal capacity to truly love...this situation is just the test. Just be honest with like you have here with us. Sending you good thoughts.

Awh thanks college guy :-) You have some pretty good info yourself! hey I forgot to say...let go of angry and stressful thoughts and people who aren't good for you. Herpes has a way of making you deal with forgiveness and learning to be good to yourself..in every way. Thoughts are powerful things...

You are onto it, not anything else you can do...I agree on the medication, I would be taking it too if living healthy didn't work. I have been lucky as I am the same..weights, dancing, walking everyday and eating 80/20 raw food. I use organic coconut oil for cooking and as body moisturiser, take barley grass, vit C and garlic everyday. I also take Lysine and Olive leaf extract if I get an outbreak. There is a great herbal ointment I found here in NZ that works amazing on any irritated spots,heals blisters really fast and feels really soothing...it has Melissa, tea tree and peppermint oils in it - best stuff ever. Good luck with the Valtrex.