lelani

Haven't had it either...

Another big hug coming your way lonelygirl...and listen to Lively sis ;-) Our thoughts are sooooooo powerful and its hard to believe, when you are in the negative habit (and yes I have been there too) that you can actually change your thoughts to positive ones. The point where you don't expect the worst to happen is when you get it that its not your circumstances but the way you think about them that creates your world. I love Lively's affirmation, you need to say this every day at least fifty times (stopping at lights, while cleaning your teeth, before you go to sleep at night...get the picture?!) Remember that what you think about expands... You are worthy, and when you expect the best there will be no more men leaving like they have because you will choose different men....ones who are worthy too :-) x

Kaandee you deserve a medal for being brave enough to let go of a destructive relationship. And good on you for recognising the why's of your choices and wanting to improve things for you and your little boy. I went through the same...left my husband, pregnant and with a 4 year old, trying to study, feeling awful about my future. I decided to get priorities sorted...first I had to be healthy so I changed my diet and excercised every day (figured I had control over that one). I put my children first in everything, and no matter how painful every custody decision was I made thieir best interest my priority (a heap of compromise and sucking it in on my part!!!!). I couldn't cope with study having two little ones (and no car) so I put that on hold for a while (grieved alot about that but looking back it sent me on a whole new and better journey). H is a small part of what you are going through right now so put in in the back seat. Don't even think about another relationship, you don't need it right now. Savour this time with your child becasue you don't get it back again. Some of my most special times were alone with my kids, loving them without distraction and my way. If you are still studying something you hate STOP! Find something you love...its all about you now and don't waste your life doing something you hate. And as for future relationships...honestly so many things can be deal breakers and H is only one. I have had relationships end because of distance, and ex coming back on the scene, cheating...each one had made me stronger and more independent. So get fit, do something you love and focus on your son...everthing will work out. As for the ex...be thankful its over and you can create your own positive future. :-)

Hey well said flygal...normal guy, herpes will help you sort out what is important, what is fake and will challenge you to live with integrity. Herpes won't trap you in a relationship but force you to look at it honestly, and if you don't like what you see or experience in it and cannot resolve it then its best to move on - it just means that relationship isn't in your best interest...and then ultimately not in your partners either. And experiencing the world is WAY more that having sex with someone so yes you go on experience the world...and the amazing connnections you can make with people. It does get better and you will find peace within yourself if you work on it and not let herpes determine your level of happiness.

Such an awesome post Emily...I wish you both every good thing :-) :-) :-) I willingly took the risk with my boyfriend who I contracted it from and still see in him more than the risk. We aren't together now...circumstance and timing. I don't regret my choice and being one who made the choice too I know your man really really loves you :-).

Yay!!! Hey its such a good feeling aye to overcome that fear and do it! I'm really happy for you SBS and however the relationship goes you are stronger for it and started it with honesty and integrity and strength. It felt great reading this...I know your courage will make a difference for someone. I wish you every good thing with this man :-)

Great Post Carlos!!!!!! and yeah there is always some other thing...you just tend to forget about the cellulite when H is diagnosed lol! And I agree with your doctor will scold you like a mother ;-)...quit smoking!...NOW! :-)

You go girls...don't settle for less and if your spirit is not being nourished and you aren't being cherished...do what it takes to give that to yourself. I am happily single and only have small twinges of wanting a relationship now...they pass pretty quickly (it'll happen when it happens!). Be lovingly selfish and nurturing... you don't need a significant other to do that for yourself...actually its often easier when you are on your own ( you have heaps of extra time and no guilt)! And I found it's easier to deal with my kids on my own too... yours will mirror your positive changes! I wish you both the very best... :-)

I totally got this Virgo Girl and love how you wrote it...I have been thrown into the hurricane many times and wondered how I could hold on too. I left a message for Adrial about this very thing today...that there is no coming into consciousness without pain. I don't ask 'why?' any more but 'bring it on'...I have learned that you can create your own light out of darkness. And all of life is art...how you get out of bed in the morning, the clothes you wear, how you love others and yourself, what you eat and how you make it...and how you work through the dark times. you can still paint a picture when the paint has spilled, it's a bit messier and you have to do a bit of cleaning up but you can still make something beautiful :-) I have been contemplating my last year too...is it a birthday thing ;-)? This time last year I didn't know I had H...and now I look back on the diagnosis, just after my birthday, and my journey to accepting it. I am in a totally different place for this birthday..no more crying, feeling ashamed, wondering how I will be loved again (well I still wonder that sometimes). I am thankful, for those who do love me, for learning to love myself more and for being able to celebrate being single and independent and loving my life. I have become a better friend, mother, daughter and have made such deeper connections with people through H. I have thrown myself into projects and things that I love to do and stepped out of my comfort zone in so many ways. So we both made it another year and yes...its great to be alive. So dry your tears...thing about creating instead of expecting. A huge hug for you my fellow Virgo girl. x

You are right Crissy. Thirty years ago when I was dying I started a gratitude journal and I I am still in the habit of finding 20 things to be thankful for every night before I sleep. Changes your world when you look for things to be thankful for instead of what is wrong. And yeah life can always be harder...I like your post :-)

Thank you so much for these beautiful words...to touch someone's heart, lift their spirit or to let them know they are valued brings me so much joy. I celebrate every birthday with gratitude because at one time I was so close to not being here...that I still am is my biggest gift. i love life and wish that for everyone...H has made me dig deeper into myself and make deeper connections with others. I wish I could meet you all because you are all so positive too...your posts have inspired me and touched me, made me cry and made me laugh. I wish you all the biggest lives...lived without fear and with celebration. I love it that we are overcoming fears and using our real names ... Adrial you started that ;-) I love it that we can share without reservation, being open and real with our anger, our fears, our questions, our knowledge and our caring. Thank you from my heart. <3 And yay the same birthday (across the world) VirgoGirl!!! Hope you had the best day too :-)

I am soooo happy for you :-) :-) :-) you deserve to have this wonderful man! Hope all is going well for you too Virgo Girl.

I talked to one of my kids today....about this very thing. Adrial...you gave me the courage :-). She loves that I am open with her and that we can talk about it...yet she isn't so comfortable with me being open with random people - because we are so well known. I have to respect her need for privacy when we have been so public. I'm in NZ lively...and Alexa don't worry about your Mom's hesitancy, I have always told my kids the truth about life and myself. It's recently helped one of my daughters who's partner was diagnosed with HPV...they were able to come to me for knowledge and support to deal with it. It was a real gift for me to be able to do that for them. So Adrial there is nothing to forgive...more like something to celebrate! My arms are stretching from the bottom of the world to give you another hug lol! :-)

I totally agree with you about the general self acceptance...and its only challenged when you have something about you that you find unacceptable. I had thought of that approach with my kids too...yes they know and how I got it - it's challenged some of their knowledge and beliefs about it. I know they would be supportive...its just our situation is different from most people as we are nationally known through television. If it was just me I would be out there...but once you are a mama its no longer just about you. And then I think of all the kids who's parents don't talk about any of this...yeah its a dilemma! But you are right, its about peeling back the layers and this layer of my kids accepting this part of me and then being comfortable supporting me helping others to accept themselves is just another. You just have to work at it aye? :-)

Love this Blog Adrial...and calling you Adrial instead of Hopp ;-) and yeah I checked out your company website lol. Everything you said is so true and we are only held back by our fears. I am struggling with wanting to start a support group in my city...my fear is that I am very well known and I don't want it impacting on my kids. They are amazing beautiful adults...yet I want to protect them from criticism and judgement too, not have people be thinking of their mother as 'that woman with herpes'. Or is this just another 'good reason' for me to hold back from doing something because of fear? As for my name...I actually like Lelani better than Janice ;-) maybe I'll hold on to it here...:-) The biggest hug Adrial...thank you for this site and for your courage and commitment to bring about positive change, you have made a difference for me. x

Big hug JoR...you sound like me - sensible and logical but caught up in the emotion and dilemmas of a dishonest ex (and yes he is an asshole if he dropped his status on you like that) who gifted us something we would rather not have and affects our health and our relationship with ourselves and others who we are intimate with. The thrush...yes I had the same. I think I actually got it from a boyfriend who did disclose to me...but then I used to have thrush regularly through my marriage (and caught genital warts from him being unfaithful in that time) so I will never know. Why now?...I think you answered that with long term lack of intimacy with your man, a stressful job and a difficult teen - those three are pretty tough all at once. If your man is amazing...yes stay and work it out to recapture that intimacy. When you are feeling ill and are stressed its easy to feel like the relationship isn't working, when really its under pressure. Find ways to nurture yourself ... sounds like you are doing that. And the teen...been there too and its a phase. Plus I would add that you are in the pre menopausal years and hormones are a trigger for herpes ... I had my first episode last year just after I had my last period, I had had thrush often in the months before hand. You will feel better soon and you have so much to be lucky for...yes herpes is just tiny part of it really and you have a man who loves you enough to accept this part of you too. Glad you came on here...:-)

Hi Sad Woman...and I can see you are really sad....actually mad. And yes its understandable to be mad, so mad you want revenge. But The Hopp is right...your biggest revenge is living well and choosing happiness. And what will happen then is that your H episodes will go away too...anger and revenge fuels adrenalin and if that keeps floating about in your body you can't heal. Forgiveness is your only option if you want to be happy. And you can choose it by focussing you yourself and healing rather than hanging on to being angry at him. You won't be a nun, unless you choose to be. And disclosing is a gift to give someone, the gift of honesty, real love and the gift of your best self (what they do with it is about their ability (or lack of) to give those things too. So use this as an opportunity to give of you best self - H really just makes you have to find what that is and practice it...what you get back is true connection with yourself and others - what we all want and the best feeling in the world. You have the added challenge of your mother not being there for you and it's isolating when those close to you who you go to for support cannot be there for you. I'm sorry you didn't' get that. I'm a mother and I put my kids first in everything if they need me...it must be hard not to get the same from your mother. I am sending you a big mama hug...I do understand. Forgiving doesn't happen straight away, its a process. You have to consciously work on letting go of the anger, replacing those thoughts with forgiving ones - even if you have to tell yourself over and over again... affirmations are good to use for this. You won't believe them but stick with it and they definitely help and eventually your brain believes them. Google affirmations on forgiveness and pick one or two to try. I'm glad you were able to let it all out on here...we all have compassion for how you are feeling...we have been there. x

Hi, I had to do the same with someone I had been seeing for a couple of months. I had my first outbreak and felt like I had to tell him straight away...the elephant in the room was a worse thought for me that just getting it out there. I asked him around and said I needed to talk to him...he knew something was wrong as soon as he arrived - I was still distraught from my diagnosis. He was amazing and there was no blame, he actually thought it was going to be something worse - H he could deal with! I couldn't deal with it so asked that we be just friends while I sort out all the emotional and physical stuff...and I had constant episodes for months and it was easier dealing with it outside of a relationship. He and I are still really good friends and he has so much respect for me. It's worth it to tell her and really, she needs to get tested too - you just may have contracted it from her. Being honest and sharing this is all about your integrity and if your intention is good no matter what happens you have been the best person you can be...and if she is the same she will see that and respond with love. If she doesn't then H may be a blessing down the track. Good luck :-)

Aren't stigma's stupid...and this one comes from old Christian Victorian religious beliefs- and therefore just goes to show how immoral and sinful we are...if we believe it, and I don't. That's why I contribute to this site and why I am open about it when the opportunity arises - I don't go telling everyone but if it helps support someone, kindly challenges a negative comment or promotes understanding for someone or for me I just go for it. I now don't feel so isolated and don't feel I have to hide it or that it's such a stigma or that I am shunned...it's all how I think and feel about H. And you are so right...its not terminal and I've been there too and healed. It's all a process and getting this challenges you to deal with all the negative thoughts you carry around that don't surface when the going is good. But having excema, psorisis or any other skin condition can make people feel really unattractive and not want to get naked...H isn't the only thing that brings up these feelings. Be kind to yourself and yes it becomes less of an issue over time - with setbacks along the way but they also aren't so bad. :-)

Hi SingBlueS...ramble all you like.. we need to do it when we feel like this and I so know what you mean. I understand how you feel you are being punished while knowing its not really true. I know about missing sex and wanting to express being sexy and also about being open but not sharing. It is all so mixed up when you first have this and it takes a while to find some balance again. Its all new for you and believe me it gets better...I have had H it almost a year and it set of the genital warts I got nearly thirty years ago. I had learned to deal with the warts...and now this too. But I have learned to deal with missing sex and the H's have taught me so much more about life and connection with people...what love really is and how I can love myself and be sexy again. Today I bought some clothes that are sooo sexy, I figure if I am not getting sex then I'll damn well dress like I am getting heaps ;-) I learned to dance (the originaly 'dirty dancing') and now get to be downright sexy several times a week for hours with gorgeous guys. Have to say I feel sexier now than years ago...and no hassles coz it all happens on the dancefloor and I can leave it there. I don't miss sex so much as long as i dance. I am not short of men...I just know I have to be selective and very honest. It has meant finding some amazing friendships with men that I would not have had without H...there are definite boundaries and alot of respect and caring. Maybe you could share with your friends - selected ones. It's isolating if you can't and yes you are then being an advocate and helping others to understand and be aware of H. So many people don't know...I didn't know the full facts either. I have taken that path and am pretty open about it. I have been surprised at the respect and support I have got from those I have told...including all my adult kids. I think you sound like a pretty cool woman who is repsonsible, cares and depsite grappling with the emotional rollercoaster right now wants to be positive. The biggest hug...bad days don't last but they suck when you are having them. Thanks for sharing and I hope you feel better tomorrow. :-)

You are so so welcome..I am sure I will be in the same place sometime and I know you would do the same for me. Each disclosure is different and each time you are in different place emotionally...but the bottom line is acting with integrity so you know you have been the best person you can be no matter what the outcome. And I love this forum because we can support each other to do that.

Rlady...yeah words are truly powerful...I have ditched outbreak and am now using episode too after reading your post...I wonder who thought up all these unattractive and aggressive sounding words for those arts of us that bring such amazing sensations and connections..I mean vagina and penis...nothing soft or neutral about those words either...can't figure out why they weren't called simple words like hand, arm or eye?! I like my own nicknames for them ;-) As for Herpes..I now just call it H...haven't managed to come up with anything for my HPV though so together they are the 'two H's'.

So looking forward to hear all about it! I love what you said "it's scary as hell but the process of preparing myself led to a lot of growth"...your integrity shines :-)

I love this thread and I think the practice of blessing whoever you are resentful towards is on of the best pieces of life advice EVER for ANYTHING! I used to say 'bless you' now I will add heart...its lovely. I had a family meeting this week to confront my parents for their resentment towards my ex (yes he did a lot of things that hurt me only I chose forgiveness) as its affecting their relationship with my kids. Only they don't get it...somehow their anger is still justified so they keep on feeling it...I pointed out that its not about the ex...its about them showing the best they can be and choosing healthy emotions. No matter what, it is about choice...our givers were just part of our life stage and have given us the opportunity to grow our character to something strong and light. It really is our choice...and forgiveness is what gives you power. Thanks Hopp :-) x and inspired I am so happy you sound lighter and are practicing blessing :-)

Yayayayayayayayay!!!!!!I'm so proud of you too..the biggest hug all the way from the bottom of the world Rlady. You were brave, acted with integrity and he is worth it :-) I am smiling :-) :-) :-) x