optimist

@Username The cross reactivity issue applies to the IgM test, not the IgG test.

@JDH I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Terri Warren addresses this situation in her book, "The Good News about the Bad News." I'm going to PM you a link to the section of the book and hopefully you'll be able to read it. She covers possible disclosure responses, one of which is "long-term indecision." I know her experience as a clinician is that most partners are accepting. I've also seen informal studies that indicate most prospective partners are accepting following disclosure. My own personal experience has reflected this. I have four friends (2 male, 2 female) whose experience reflects this, as well. This is not to say it's never an issue, but most often it is not. Hang in there! (((((hugs)))))

@eimajk1 Because your doctor gave you incomplete information, it's impossible to know if either of your results fell into a category in which many false positive occur (values between 1.1 and 3.5). The CDC recommends that people who have results in that range do confirmatory testing, preferably by Western Blot, but I can't say if that makes sense for you since I don't know what the values were. Personally, in your position, I would ask the doctor for a copy of the test results to see for myself. If you're outside of the U.S., it may work differently, I don't know.

It's my impression that sometimes a primary oral herpes outbreak (usually caused by HSV1) can be in the mouth or throat, especially in adults. Then recurrences, if they occur, are typically on the edge of the lips (cold sores).

Some people find sex can trigger an outbreak, especially if the sex is particularly vigorous or a while has passed since last having sex, so it could be the sex triggered symptoms of a preexisting infection. However, IgG tests don't reach maximum accuracy for 12 weeks, so it's possible your sex partner in November was infected soon before you got together and hasn't tested positive yet. I don't know if it's possible for antibodies to reach a value of 6.68 after only 3 months. I've seen someone ask an expert if something similar was possible after a few weeks and she said it was not, but 3 months, I don't know. And different people build antibodies at different rates, so if he tests positive in a month, it will not necessarily mean you had it first, unless he did not have other sex partners in the couple months prior to your encounter. The virus sheds much more frequently when someone is newly infected, so I wouldn't rule out that scenario, but I think the preferred outcome will be that he is negative and you'll know you've had it a while and did not infect him.

@eimajk1 My story is similar. Divorced in my mid-40s after a 16 year relationship in which HSV2 was not on our radars. Did a full panel when I started dating again and was positive for HSV2. This type specific blood test wasn't even available when I was single before, so I might've had it for decades for all I know. My gynecologist included it in my panel and then my PCP told me I should never have tested. Additionally, my gynecologist was completely unaware that any potential dating partners would be concerned about this. The rate of HSV2 among women your age is very high and 80-90% of those infected are unaware. Similarly, 70% of those with HSV1 are unaware they are infected. In Terri Warren's book about herpes, she cited a study that indicated 47% of widowed spouses under the age of 50 were infected with HSV2. Having said that, if you haven't looked at the antibody levels, I'd recommend checking to see if the levels are at least 3.5. Values below 3.5 can be false positives while values above 3.5 are almost always true positives. Also, please know that most people *are* accepting. I did experience exactly what you are describing now with the person I was dating when I tested positive, but I've mostly encountered acceptance since then.

@FLGator25 Whoops, just noticed new studies have been released indicating a recent drop in both HSV1 and HSV2 rates, so I'd like to modify my above statement to say it's reasonable to assume about 1/4 of female partners have HSV2, most being unaware they are infected. Regardless, unless people are proactively getting tested with partners, it's reasonable for those who have had multiple sex partners to assume some of those previous partners had HSV2.

It's also possible you contracted a type that was not targeted by the vaccine. The older vaccine targeted 4 types while the newer vaccination (I think about 3 years old now) targets 9 types. If you've only had the older vaccine, you might want consider the newer vaccine.

@FLGator25 HSV2 is far more common than most people realize. If you're someone who has had multiple female partners, it's fair to assume about 1/3 of them had HSV2, most just didn't know it. Yet doctors do not recommend routine HSV screening and some even discourage testing in the absence of symptoms. So this is not a black and white situation as far as I'm concerned. However, she is likely unaware of these nuances, as most people are. Even being aware of all the facts, I personally would have been concerned about your Valtrex explanation as it would not have made sense to me. I would likely have assumed that was a lie and then wondered if lying was typical for you. The issue for me would be the dishonesty, not the lack of disclosing the HSV status of a former partner. 80% of adults have HSV, and about 1/3 of adult women (in the U.S.) have HSV2, and most of these people do not have the information required to know/disclose their status, so past "exposure" should really be assumed unless someone is proactively testing specifically for HSV with all partners and then avoiding partners who test positive.

Yes, some people have both genital HSV1 and HSV2, but everything you've said indicates your genital symptoms are caused by genital HSV1 and that you do not have genital HSV2. If you're concerned about contracting HPV, you may want to consider getting vaccinated against HPV.

I use a regular dating site and it usually works out fine in terms of disclosure. I've even had a couple people disclose back to me. I do consider it a bonus when that happens, but not something that is enough of a reason to specifically seek out others who know their status. As you said, that's quite limiting, partially because most people who have it don't know it. About 1 in 8 HSV2+ people are aware while 7 in 8 with HSV2 are not.

@PresentMoment @Adrial I've had really positive experiences disclosing over text. In some cases, it has sparked deeper conversations about vulnerabilities on both sides. I've also experienced people politely telling me over text that they were not interested in moving forward, as well as people who said they were fine with it but then disappeared. But those who proactively pursued me after I disclosed via text did not seem to have regrets later. That's one complication I've experienced when disclosing in person. I've disclosed four times in person. Three of those times, the guy really wanted to have sex that same day after I disclosed. I very strongly prefer for people to have a day to think things through before getting sexual which is the main reason I tend to text about it instead. In one of those cases, I did make out with the guy but did not have sex with him (my choice) and he majorly freaked out immediately after, imagining risk scenarios that did not exist. It's my opinion that someone with that level of anxiety about it would've opted out of meeting had I disclosed over text, and that's a preferable outcome to me. I do respect the approach of disclosing in person, but I don't think it's the only way.

I don't know where in the world you are, but I can tell you that in the U.S., studies indicate 77% of women who give birth have HSV. Only 23% are HSV-free. And this includes 30% with HSV2. I hope this will give you peace of mind, knowing how common this is among new mothers.

Everything you said makes sense. There is very little education about herpes and the fact that oral herpes is almost exclusively referred to (in the U.S., anyway) as cold sores adds to this confusion. Additionally, even people who are aware that cold sores = herpes tend to operate as you did, only mentioning it when symptoms occur, because there is lesser stigma associated with it and fewer prevention options (people are not going to use barriers for kissing, and rarely will they use them even for oral sex, so disclosure is less meaningful in that regard, except for when it is appropriate to abstain when symptoms are present). One thing for you to know is that it's possible to transmit HSV1 to a partner's mouth or genitals even when no symptoms are present. About 70% of HSV transmissions occur when no symptoms are present, often from people who have no idea they have it. As you mentioned, lots of people already have it by your age, usually orally. Only about 30% of people who have HSV1 ever have noticeable symptoms, so the fact that he hasn't had a cold sore doesn't mean he definitely doesn't have it. However, if he doesn't yet have it, he is vulnerable to contracting it orally or genitally. Perhaps his gynecologist mom clued him in to some of this and he figured everybody knows all this. I would hope she would also have explained how common it is, both orally and genitally, but who knows. My guess is that he panicked after having contact with you when you were symptomatic and his emotions are running the show right now. Or maybe he is in the minority of people who expect to be disclosed to upfront when a partner knows they have oral herpes. I can tell you that I've been kissing people for 35 years or so and nobody has ever disclosed this to me. Never once. OTOH, I have a friend who acquired it through oral sex and is still angry about it because she feels he should have told her upfront. I feel like there's a bit of wishful thinking there as it would require tremendous effort to avoid encountering it when the majority of adults have it and are unaware they have it, but this speaks to that emotional response that comes from known exposure. I'd say the best thing to do right now is give him space, and if he continues to feel this way about HSV1, consider it an unfortunate issue of incompatibility. He's reached an age where at least half of his peers have HSV, and this number will continue to climb, so he may either need to begin testing with partners before becoming intimate, or if it's more anxiety-based, he may need to be with someone who doesn't display symptoms, whether or not they actually have it and are capable of transmitting it. Also, just FYI, HSV1 is still HSV1 when transmitted to a partner's genitals. It doesn't turn into HSV2, but it is genital herpes.

Second what @Username said. 80% of adults have HSV. Most adults have at least 4 types of herpes. It's not unusual to have it. It's slightly unusual to know you have it. Maybe not unusual but much less common than simply not knowing and not caring. The stigma is very unfortunate.

I've seen posts from people here who noticed more regular tingling that felt similar to prodrome when taking an antiviral, whether Valtrex or something else. IIRC, some or all of them had better luck when they switched to another brand.

@RandomName A majority of people who contract HSV, especially HSV2, don't notice upon contracting it. Most often there are no symptoms or symptoms mild enough to be mistaken for something else such as jock itch, a pimple, razorburn, an ingrown hair. Not saying this is what you have, just that it is not at all uncommon to have symptoms that are not painful.

@MakingIT2017 Most people who have it simply don't know they have it. It is not a routine part of STI testing and causes obvious/noticeable symptoms in a minority of people who have it. I had the same experience when I tested positive but have found accepting partners since then, including a partner who happened to know he had it as well.

@Hurryupnwait First few months while antibodies are building. That's as much as I know. Sounds like you are close to 3 months post infection at this point which is the period of time I'm referring to.

@Hurryupnwait You can do what you want, but you should be aware that shedding rates are MUCH higher during the first few months following infection. There's typically another drop off in viral activity after a year and after two years but those differences are subtle compared to the difference during the first few months.

I don't think you'll ever know for sure unless you get swabbed in both locations. If you contracted it orally, you may never have symptoms again, so if you feel it's important to know, try getting swabbed now. Even your genital symptoms may never recur, though they are more likely to recur than oral symptoms, if they are indeed caused by HSV2. Oral HSV2 is visually indistinguishable from oral HSV1, it just sheds 25x less frequently on average and is much less likely to cause recurrences. If you happened to contract it ONLY orally, then you'd also be largely protected from contracting genital HSV2 in the future, though it sounds like you have experienced symptoms in both locations. Another thing to keep in mind is that HSV symptoms are often triggered by dips in the immune system. So it's possible you had some type of non-HSV throat related illness that triggered a genital outbreak and you are only infected genitally. Edit to add: IgG blood tests are negative for HSV during the weeks following infection because it takes time for antibodies to build, so if your result was positive (and above 3.5) very soon after that encounter, it points to a longer existing infection. However, if your result was < 3.5, this could indicate either a false positive or antibodies building from a newer infection.

I'm in my late 40s and started online dating at 47. I haven't been searching for a serious relationship but my ex did take that approach and I'd guess he was 42 and she was 44 when they started dating. So it certainly happens. I do understand the phenomenon you're experiencing online. Some of it is that many men your age are still married and some who are single seek younger women for a variety of reasons, including still wanting to have kids. I find things open up a bit more around 44 or so. I'd say most of my matches are in the 28-32 range and then jump to 44+ with not as many matches in between. But I have certainly heard of exceptions, as I noted with my ex and his girlfriend. As for the HSV thing, bear in mind infection rates climb with age. By 45, a majority of single and divorced women in the U.S. have HSV2. And some have genital HSV1. Of course, most guys aren't aware of this, and even most of the women who are infected aren't aware of this. But you are now in a decade of life in which 93% of all people your age (40s) have HSV.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Here's a link to statistics regarding HSV in Germany: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5500947/ As you can see, in your age group, about 85% of adult women have HSV1 (either oral or genital) and about 15% have HSV2. I mention both since you are unaware of which type you have. If you've never had a cold sore, either type is quite possible. They are visually indistinguishable by type. The stigma of genital herpes is very strong here in the U.S. while oral herpes has been mostly normalized. I had the same fears you are expressing when I tested positive for HSV2. It took a little time for me to work through that, but once I put myself back out there, I was mostly met with acceptance by partners. I hope you will have the same experience. I'm sorry your current partner is not being supportive. Hopefully he is just not sure of how to provide support right now and isn't actually pulling away. It can be an emotional time and some people don't know how to support partners in emotional turmoil.

Different people deal with this differently. I really like what @annalove had to say upthread. My personal approach was to first tell a few people in "seeking support mode" plus a partner that was in my life at that time. The way I was processing it then was very different from how I processed it even a few months later. It was very emotional and colored by the stigma. One that phase passed, I began opening up about it with friends as it came up naturally, and I began putting myself out there romantically again and disclosing to all prospective partners. I disclose early but do not put my status in my dating profile. That's just my own comfort level. Some people do list their status in their profiles and then there are people like Adrial and Ella Dawson who are even more public about it. In the case of Ella Dawson who has genital HSV1, I got the sense that she felt both empowered but later exhausted and burned out by the repercussions of being public to that degree. If you are at all uncertain about how open or public you should be, I'd hold off for a bit until you're feeling more certain, assuming you at least have an existing support network you can rely on for now.

I'm sorry you're feeling so scared. In answer to some of your questions, the cold sores you have seen were most likely all due to HSV1. Most oral herpes is caused by HSV1. It is most contagious just after it is acquired (first few months) and during outbreaks but can also be transmitted through kissing and oral sex when no symptoms are present. Of the various types/locations of herpes, oral herpes is contagious the most frequently (roughly 25% of the time). Most people who have it don't realize they have it because many people don't have symptoms (cold sores). Those who have cold sores typically just abstain from kissing and oral sex when having symptoms and live with the small risk of transmission at all other times. Oral HSV2 is uncommon and is, on average, contagious about 1% of the time. It looks exactly the same as oral HSV1 but tends to never recur after the first outbreak, if there is an outbreak at all. Genital herpes can be caused by HSV1 or HSV2. When caused by HSV1, it is typically less active and less frequently contagious than either oral HSV1 or genital HSV2. On average, it contagious about 5% of the time (vs. 25% percent of the time if it's oral). Genital HSV2, on average, is contagious about 14% of the time and appears identical to genital HSV1 if/when there are symptoms (most people have no symptoms or don't notice them). Most people with genital herpes don't know they have it. Those who have it usually abstain from sex during outbreaks and sometimes use condoms and/or take antivirals to reduce transmission risk. People who get frequent outbreaks of either oral or genital herpes also sometimes take antivirals to reduce or eliminate outbreaks. Genital HSV1 is more likely than genital HSV2 to cause a noticeable primary outbreak when it's contracted. By contrast, 80-90% of people don't notice when they contract genital HSV2. However, for those who do get outbreaks, genital HSV1 tends to recur much less frequently than genital HSV2. For many people with genital HSV1, they just get that first outbreak, or maybe get an outbreak once every year or two. With both types, people who get symptoms tend to have less frequent recurrences as time goes on. Condoms are suggested for reducing risk of genital herpes because it is an available resource that is proven to reduce risk. There is no equivalent barrier method available for kissing, so people with oral herpes tend to just abstain when symptoms are present. Often people with oral and/or genital herpes do not use barriers for oral sex either, so it really is just about weighing risks, benefits and quality of life, agreeing on a comfort level with your partner(s). Most adult humans have HSV and don't even know it or at least don't take extraordinary measures because of it. It is typically not included in standard STI testing. Yes, genital herpes is spread through skin-skin contact. Children often contract oral herpes but do not begin contracting genital herpes until they become sexual active. Your typical activities as a mom would not pose risk of transmitting your genital herpes to them. If you want to be exceedingly cautious, you could avoid sharing moist towels and lip balm which are the only items I've ever seen mentioned as having a brief theoretical transmission risk.