optimist

This site has an infographic that speaks to this: http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/ As you can see, it shows 93% of people infected with HSV by their 40s and 95% by their 50s and 60s. In the U.S., autopsies indicate most people acquire HSV1 and about 40% acquire HSV2 at some point during life.

@sweet66 Roughly 80% of adults have HSV, so yes, the doctors are more likely to have it than not have it. Ditto for 80% of their patients.

A gynecologist is your best bet but I heard the exact same thing from mine. One said I didn't actually have it, I had only been "exposed," and the other said I could only transmit via an active ulcer (which I have never had). Both discouraged me from taking antivirals. One actually yelled at me when I asked.

"I want to believe that he's reacting like this because he's in shock and is consumed by the social stigma of H." Unless he has been testing himself between partners and expects all partners to test, that is likely what you're dealing with. I'm sorry. It shouldn't be like that. It should be taken in stride like cold sores. Hopefully it will change someday. My advice is to think of it this way: you never have to go through this again. In the future, you can always choose to disclose ahead of time.

If you have a history of cold sores, your wife has already shown tolerance for having an intimate partner with herpes. Oral HSV1 can be transmitted to an uninfected partner's genitals, causing genital herpes.

80-90% of people who contract HSV2 do not notice upon doing so. This is especially likely if they already had HSV1 before contracting HSV2. A minority have symptoms obvious enough to alert them to infection. So your wife may be among the 80-90% of people with HSV2 who don't notice symptoms, or she may not have contracted it. Yes, all my doctors have had the same attitude about HSV. It's a very common virus and doctors tend to focus on treating the minority who have oral or genital symptoms that detract from their quality of life, either due to severity of initial outbreak or frequency of recurrences. They are not focused on screening the general population for HSV which is very common both orally and genitally. I still don't understand the connection between your throat ailment and your decision to have a genital lesion swabbed as those things seem unconnected and it sounds like you'd had these genital lesions many years. I mention this only because you're asking how to share this news with your wife and I would personally find that explanation confusing.

She did write a blog post about her decision to retire from writing about herpes. It sounded to me like she was burned out and felt like it was time for other voices to be heard for a variety of reasons (diversity of backgrounds, experiences, etc.). Like you mentioned, it sounds like she was the target of a lot of slut-shaming. This happened after she began emphasizing she was not ashamed of having genital herpes. It seems many people are emotionally invested in others feeling ashamed. Considering Ella Dawson has HSV1, as most humans do, I can only assume the shaming is about contracting it in a place that allows others to infer she has engaged in sex as a single woman. She is also open about continuing to do so without shame and I'm grateful to her for being an example in that regard. It also sounded to me like she felt it was getting harder for her to be the compassionate person she is. I feel for her.

Were you diagnosed by having one of those "spots" swabbed? Assuming these are spots that come and go as herpes lesions might, maybe you could say "I have always had spots on my penis since becoming sexually active around 14/15 years old and never thought anything of it because I thought it was just ingrown hairs." Then better explain what led you to get tested (the part about the throat ailment is confusing). And tell her it turned out those spots are caused by HSV2. Explain that most people who have HSV2 are unaware they have it, either because they have no symptoms or symptoms that are very mild and mistaken for something else (ingrown hairs being a good example). Additionally, HSV testing is not standard in STI testing, even in pregnancy. Not sure what swabs you are referring to when you say she has been swabbed in the past. If you mean pap smears, that's not the same as a swab test for HSV. I think it's very likely she has never been tested for HSV. I personally found out after asking to be tested following divorce. I was 47 at the time and tested positive for HSV2. My doctor said I could've had it since I was a teen and just never realized it. I still have no idea how long I've had it. Considering I had it for at least some part of my marriage, if not for the entire marriage, it's likely I had it when I gave birth. For women with established infections, the risk of neonatal herpes is extremely low. Those at high risk are women who contract genital herpes type 1 or type 2 during the last few months of pregnancy.

I've disclosed quite a bit and I'd say about 75-80% of potential partners have been fine with it.

Personally, I'm glad I don't know how and when I got it. It helps me understand that it was simply a natural consequence of physical intimacy with other humans, many of whom likely had HSV2. Considering 7/8 of those with HSV2 don't know they have it, I'm glad not to feel an urge to blame a specific person who likely passed it on unknowingly. And because it's equally likely I had it some time before testing, I'm grateful nobody I'm aware of resents for me being intimate with them before I tested for HSV. I have absolutely had resentment toward the doctor who allowed me to get tested. I know that's unhealthy. I hope I can eventually let that go. The issue is not the doctor or the tests. The issue is the social stigma. So clearly my anger is misplaced. But I guess I'm grateful to be angry at a doctor rather than an intimate partner. It's probably easier in some ways.

Honestly, I think this is a poor match for you. It's obvious you care for him a great deal and you genuinely want to be accepting, but in the end there's still anxiety. It's not healthy for him to feel herpes is such a big factor in a relationship. And it's not healthy for you to be dwelling on this risk. You both deserve partners who are more compatible with each of you. You both deserve to have fulfilling sex that isn't significantly influenced by anxiety. My opinion only. But ask yourself how you would feel if a partner had anxiety about kissing you or receiving oral from you due to your HSV1 infection. How would it feel for you? I won't assume the answer but ask yourself this to gain clarity. You've probably already read that 80-90% of people who contract HSV2 don't notice. This is even more likely when the person already has HSV1. Autopsies indicate 40% of people in the U.S. die with HSV2 with only a minority ever realizing they had it during life. Clearly it's not a big for most people. But there are no guarantees which is what it seems to me you are hoping for. The guarantees can be made through celibacy and to a lesser but significant degree regular partner testing (only 5% of HSV IgG tests return false negatives for people who are actually HSV2+).

Statistically speaking, it is highly likely your mom has herpes. Maybe she knows this and has unresolved feelings, who knows. Regardless, I would suggest telling her that her comments have been insensitive and you'd like her to be more supportive. Then if she makes another insensitive comment, tell her the topic is off-limits and end any conversation when she makes a comment like this.

@j_avalon Most prospective partners have been fine with it. Because I disclose so early, I sometimes disclose even before I know if I'll want to become intimate with the person, so I've disclosed to way more people than I've ultimately become intimate with, but I'd guess 75-80% were fine with it. Those who were not fine with it were mostly polite in explaining that. One or two just stopped communicating but weren't mean.

@ehfar 100% concur with everything @annalove said. Especially this suggested approach: My suggestion would be to state the basic facts "I carry HSV-2 and I want you to know before things progress more between us sexually". I personally wouldn't even necessarily go into it apologizing for things having gotten physical because it is VERY VERY VERY unlikely he would contract HSV-2 orally. If he asks be honest it is possible but make sure you know the statistics about it. I once read an article that a herpes specialist had seen it one time in 30 years of practice. IIRC, Terri Warren said she had never personally seen a case of genital HSV2 being transferred to a partner's mouth in this way in something like 35 years but had one person write in to say they had experienced this and had read of a couple cases outside of her practice. She said she would describe it as "conceptually possible." She added that she did not feel it needed to be disclosed before oral sex from a risk perspective but that she felt it was a good idea to do so in anticipation of a partner possibly having a negative emotional reaction later upon disclosure before intercourse.

@secondchances My understanding is that if a genital swab is positive, that's a definitive positive. If negative, there is a possibility of false negative, often due to not enough virus being present to swab at that time.

I think some of this depends on what you're seeking in a partner and how soon you would otherwise want to be having sex with them. If you're looking for something romantic, committed and long-term, maybe it's not such a bad thing to weed out the guys who give up after not getting laid on the first or second date. Unless you *want* to be having sex with them on those dates and you feel like your method of disclosure is preventing you from enjoying that. For me, it's important that my partners are generally okay with me having HSV and that it isn't a situation where they are only taking the risk because they got to know me well but otherwise would not feel comfortable with HSV. That's because I'm in a casual dating phase of life, not seeking a life partner. So I choose to disclose very early. If it feels like a casual sex vibe, I often disclose even before meeting. If it feels like a dating thing, I usually disclose between the first and second date after I've determined whether there's chemistry and mutual interest from the first date. This is because often I'm not interested in a second date so it seems unnecessary to get into that before the first date.

Yes, that value for HSV2 may be a false positive. If you've had intimate contact within the last few months, you could test again in a month or two to see if the value increases. The Western Blot test is another option but has a greater testing window (meaning time from infection to accurate result). I think 12 weeks is recommend for IgG and 16 weeks for Western Blot. But Western Blot is more accurate.

Large studies in the U.S. indicate about 30% of pregnant women have HSV2. An additional unknown portion of the 66% of pregnant women with HSV1 have genital HSV1 (either types can cause genital herpes; one type does not turn into another based on location). Either type is high risk if contracted near the end of pregnancy. However, it's rare for established infections to cause any problems in pregnancy. Most of the pregnant women who are infected don't even realize they have genital HSV. I know the stigma sucks. I think the feelings you're experiencing now are very normal but will most likely pass with a little time or at least improve quite a bit. HSV2 is not a punishment for your lifestyle, it's a common virus. Autopsies indicate 40% of people in the U.S. contract it at some point during their lives and the vast majority were undiagnosed in life. While rates do increase with age and number of partners, lots of people with very limited sexual histories have HSV2. It's the stigma that is making you feel crappy and thinking of it in terms of a punishment. I think you've already figured that out to a degree because you mentioned it seems unfair oral HSV does not appear to share the same stigma as genital HSV, even when the infection is spread from the mouth to the genitals (and again, it does not turn into HSV2 in such a case, it is still HSV1, just in the genital region). I completely agree with you that this discrepancy is really unfortunate. When I was newly diagnosed with HSV2, sometimes I would substitute the word "cold sores" when having negative thoughts about herpes and it would always make me realize how much of my issue was about stigma. I kind of had to deprogram myself. As for finding the love of your life, I can tell you I have multiple friends with herpes who found love, married, had kids, etc. I know dating is already hard sometimes, so I don't mean to minimize that, but I want you to know it is not an issue for many people, just as you found with your male friends. I think it's great you're opening up about it to friends who you trust and that they are being supportive. AFAIK, antivirals, condoms, disclosure and avoiding sex during outbreaks are the only things scientifically proven to reduce transmission risk, but there are tons of posts on the site with anecdotal info you may find helpful about Lysine, etc.

It's my understanding that during this time when you're building antibodies, there is a small risk of acquiring it in a second location. Once you've got sufficient antibodies, which generally takes a few months, risk of acquiring it in a second location is rare. And oral HSV2 is especially uncommon. Even in HSV discordant relationships, risk of oral infection with HSV2 is very low.

@hippyherpy I agree the legal stuff is based primarily on stigma and misinformation. Not arguing that at all. It is also a disincentive to testing.

@hippyherpy A minority of people get sores but a majority of people (about 80% of adults) are capable of transmitting HSV to uninfected partners. By contrast, I'd guess about 4% of people fall into the category of a) having genital herpes of either type, and b) have been diagnosed with genital herpes of either type (a small subset of those who have genital herpes). It is that 4% that is expected by much of society to disclose their HSV status to partners.

One thing to keep in mind is that for every one of those friends and exes you know who *knows* they have HSV2, there are 7 others who have it but don't know it. Only 1/8 of those with HSV2 have been diagnosed. It most often goes unnoticed or mistaken for something else, as you have described and experienced yourself. Most of those 7/8 of people who have HSV2 and don't know it assume they don't have it, either because they think symptoms would be painfully obvious, or because they assume their regular STI testing includes HSV when it usually doesn't, even when they asked to be tested for everything, or they assume any past partner who had it would know it and alert them to it or it would be super obvious. In the U.S., among women of your age, gender and marital status, a majority have HSV2. It is more common to have it than not have it. Additionally, most of them have HSV1. Avoiding HSV, especially as we age, requires partner testing before sex with each new partner. Most people don't do that, they just assume they'd know if they had it. Or they treat it as they treat HPV, a risk that goes along with having sex. I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I'm a divorced woman in my late 40s and you're welcome to PM me if you need a listening ear. The stigma definitely threw me for a loop when I tested positive and I still have to work through my anger about it sometimes, but things did get significantly better after a little time.

The pictures thing is really interesting. If you type in "cold sores" or "oral herpes" or "genital herpes" you will see different visual representations of severity, even though they all should be the same. And of course most people don't have symptoms obvious enough to be captured in a picture anyway. The genital herpes pictures seem to represent primary outbreaks. And again, many people don't experience that. 80-90% of people with HSV2 do not experience a noticeable primary outbreak. I recently had an experience with an HSV2+ partner (we met by coincidence) who mentioned he had just started an outbreak but wanted to have sex anyway. He was asking if I was okay with that. I also have HSV2 and we'd been seeing each other off and on for a long time and this had never come up because I've never had a recognizable outbreak and he rarely has outbreaks. I hadn't really thought through how I would deal with this and didn't want to make a snap decision so I suggested a hand job. Even though he told me the outbreak was on his shaft, it was mild enough that I didn't see it or feel it, even though he told me it was there and I was positioned in such a way that I would have expected to see it clearly. It was also mild enough for him to want to engage in sex and have it be pleasurable. It was a good learning experience for me.

HSV2 largely protects from HSV1. HSV1 does not offer protection from HSV2.

My understanding is that it is very low risk but not impossible. In rare cases of transmission to the mouth, if a noticeable primary outbreak occurs, it would be visually indistinguishable from an outbreak of HSV1, but then it would be unlikely to recur and would shed virus significantly less often than oral HSV1. Additionally, after antibodies build, the oral infection would largely protect you from ever contracting it genitally. Terri Warren (a clinician who specializes in herpes) has described it as "akin to vaccination against genital HSV2."