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Successful disclosure, but was then ghosted


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Hi to all,

I’ve had HSV2 since Feb 2020. 
 

I’m a single 44 yr old mom. Although I felt crushed when I initially found out I had contacted this virus, I have been pretty optimistic that things will turn out for me. I was rejected by one guy in the summer, even though he knew my status. He would’ve been ok with oral herpes but not genital herpes. Ouch. But I refused to let this get to me. So a few weeks ago I finally found someone who I thought had real long-term potential. Disclosed to him on our second date as things were getting a little more intimate. He reacted really positively, said he appreciated my honesty and didn’t view this as a dealbreaker. On our third date a couple of weeks after, we were having such a good time that we ended up sleeping together (with a condom and I’m also taking daily antivirals). Then, he told me that it hit him, during sex, that he could catch it and he didn’t know if he was comfortable with this (he doesn’t think he has herpes but was planning on getting tested). In the following days, I noticed a slight distance and change in his text messages. Five days ago, he wrote me a ‘normal’ message about his day, I replied and since then, nothing. He ghosted me. 
It’s hard to take because he said he valued honesty and that he had a lot of respect for me, especially because I disclosed to him my status. I’m sure he needed time to process this, but he could’ve said so instead of ghosting me. That’s the most hurtful part.

Does this happen a lot?? I’m curious to hear other people’s stories... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi All, I'm in a similar situation.

I've been positive since 2016.  I thought I'd never date again and this led to profound sadness.  I did date again, and disclosed when things were getting intimate.  He didn't seem to care but there were other issues so I ended up letting him go.

Two years later I took a chance and went out with a guy and we hit it off spectacularly!  We were so similar you'd think we were raised together, and we had the best fun.  After two or three weeks of dating we both wanted to be exclusive.  No sex yet, I did disclose.  He asked me if I was only contagious when I had outbreaks and I told him the truth -- there's a small chance of transmitting even with no symptoms.  I said I'd give him time to think and whatever he decided was okay.  We continued dating and making out and had GREAT fun together.  I don't think I ever dated someone I was so compatible with!  But I noticed small changes over the next weeks, he seemed to be pulling away one day but so warm and loving the next.  I asked him what his thoughts were about my status and he said he was still thinking.

The following day I went on a long hike and gave it some thought.  I came to the sad realization that he was uncomfortable taking our relationship to the next level (sexual intimacy). After the hike I stopped by his house and he was sooo happy to see me, a pleasant surprise!  But I wanted to have a sober talk and so we did.  I told him I felt his ambiguity about my situation and...it felt bad.  It was hard on me knowing I'm constantly being measured and evaluated as to whether I'm worth taking the risk of him getting infected. And at some point in the future when we'd inevitably get into a disagreement as people do, he may even wonder why he "settled" for a H+ woman. He held me so tight.  He kissed me.  then he held me tight again.  Asked if I wanted a little dinner.  Fixed my watch that broke right then and there.  Gave me vegies from his garden, etc.  But I left, and as I was leaving he kissed me again and said, "talk tomorrow?"  I agreed.

I haven't heard from him sense.  It's been 11 days.

Friends, I have never met a man who I felt more comfortable, more compatible with and I believe he felt the same. But I must face the truth, we are not compatible, because he did not want to get H from me.

Mixed feelings: Sadness in that a true friend that I cared for and who cared for me rejected me because of H.  Relief that it's over because ultimately I know that his fear of getting herpes would haunt our relationship forever, and I wouldn't be happy. Hopeless because now I feel no worthy man will want me. (This guy was high-quality and has so many options.  He's already back on the dating site that we met on)

I'm 57.  Look much younger.  I have a great social life, no debt or addictions, and zero problem attracting men. How many times will I put myself through this again, going out with someone, getting my hopes up just to be rejected again. It hurts so much.

Thank you for reading.

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  • 3 months later...

Thank you for sharing. It is a very harsh reality. For over 30 years I’ve lived with herpes. I was in my early 20s. I lived in denial for a long time, got married and it was during that time I admitted and accepted. I remained married for 16 years. No transmission. I left the marriage for many reasons but encountered having it thrown in my face during an argument unrelated to herpes. I have been divorced for 15 years I’ve dated disclosed and encountered both acceptance and rejection. Some because of herpes other because they didn’t want a commitment. I see myself as valuable, loving and good. Yet I am always cognizant that I might be rejected for any reason including herpes. That I could never become accustomed to. I’m still open to love still. 

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I’m newly diagnosed and these are hard but important real life stories for me to read. Thank you for sharing them. They are beautiful stories of real people living real lives and they fill me  with compassion. We’ve all had experiences of deep connection and then rejection for various reasons and no one needs an additional reason like herpes to be rejected by someone they feel a deep connection to. I am also filled with compassion for the people who may be too afraid to have a relationship with us because of herpes. From their perspective what if they get it and the relationship doesn’t last and they leave with a broken heart and a new life  with herpes. It’s just a sad and unfortunate situation for everyone We are all valuable human beings whether we have herpes or whether we don’t have it and are afraid of getting it. All we can do is love ourselves to the best of our ability and selflessly love others to the best of our ability and go on with life. A tear is forming in my eye as I write this. I’m New to this and looking for the “opportunity” in herpes and perhaps it is here in our humanity, in our love, in our sadness, and in our inner strength and acceptance of ourselves, others and life as it is. I’m struggling with it. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you for sharing these stories.  The truth is, some people will not be phased at all when we disclose having HSV and some will.  I had a long-term relationship where I responsibly disclosed results of a HSV-2 blood test (low positive) at the beginning of the relationship and they were perfectly ok with it.  We were careful, and enjoyed a long and rewarding relationship.  On another occasion, I was growing incredibly close to someone but found out during a casual conversation that they had absolutely no interest in dating someone with HSV.   While I was initially hurt by their statement, I decided right then and there that they were not right for me and I would just remain friends with them.   It's easy to feel stigma about HSV but I am 100%  confident (most of the time)  I will find the right person someday and HSV won't keep us apart.   I didn't come to that conclusion in a day or even a year.  It takes time.   It's important to remember that so many people have HSV (talk to a doctor about it and they'll say pretty much everyone has it) and still more people are totally up for dating, marrying and loving someone with HSV.   We'll get there.  Don't give up.   

Honestly, most of our anxiety comes from not knowing how we will respond to situations, but when we find out we are in fact, resilient, it's liberating.  And there are so many people willing to enter loving relationships where there are some unknowns.  Life is not certain.  Love is not certain.  That's what it is to be human.   Herpes doesn't change who you are.  Don't lose your sense of play, your love of life.  The right person is out there and they'll love all of you.  FYI, you don't have to believe this every day to know that it's true. 

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