To Disclose or Not Disclose...That is the question

[D_Marie]

I can speak from both sides of the disclosure issue. I had someone recently disclose to me about their HSV 1 status after we've been dating for months. I freaked out, because I felt like they took no precautions to avoid infecting me. I felt betrayed and I did want to take legal action. I got tested and found out that I had both 1&2! It turned out that I may have been living with HSV2 for over 15 years and not known it. I'm asymptomatic. Now I'm in a position where I may have to disclose. I've come to the conclusion that if an H+ person has done everything that they can do to reduce the risk to <1% or less than the risk of dying in a car accident, then I feel disclosures are optional. HSV is not a deadly virus. We live in a world where we take "acceptable risks" everyday, throughout the day when you take any kind of medicine, drive in your car, eat store bought food, etc. without getting disclosures. Nothing is 100% safe. It would make us insane to have all risk communicated to us for all the things we do daily.  We would be  too afraid to do anything. I don't disclosure to people that there is a chance we may die, every time I drive someone in my car. Anyone that's having sex is accepting some level of risk that something unwanted may occur. So my position is that H+ people should do what is best for their mental health. If not disclosing causes you a lot of anguish and guilt, then disclose. If disclosing this personal information about yourself causes you an unhealthy level of anxiety then don't. 

At the end of the day, the pain caused HSV is 95% mental anguish because of being stigmatized and only 5% physically annoying. We as a society need to reframe how we approach this to start reducing those unnecessary mental effects.

[mr_hopp]

Hey @D_Marie! Your feelings and the pain you're going through are completely valid. I was super pissed off when my then-girlfriend cheated on me and then brought herpes into our relationship. I get it. I didn't get a choice in the matter to take the risk or not. It's a complex issue, and you're right that we all navigate risks daily without full disclosure or a full understanding. But when it comes to intimate relationships, transparency about HSV status allows partners to make informed choices together, which strengthens trust rather than undermine it. Not disclosing can kill a relationship's future before it even begins because eventually it will surface, then trust is damaged. I've coached so many people through this exact situation who are on the other side of not disclosing. It's not pretty. And it takes a whole lot more work to repair the trust that is broken than to have just disclosed to begin with. It basically comes down to 2 paths: 1) do the hard thing now (disclose) and reap the benefits long term ... or do the easy thing now (don't disclose) and reap the long term anxiety that I've seen come with that. Good relationships are based on sharing truth. While HSV might not be life-threatening, the emotional and psychological impacts are real and significant for many. And you know ... not disclosing doesn't lessen the stigma at all — quite the contrary — shame and stigma grow in hiding. Hiding it makes it a much bigger deal than it deserves to be and just makes it worse. So yes, because there is such a small possibility of passing herpes when the proper precautions are taken, let's disclose so we can help share that fact through data and knowledge — and that is what actually lessens the stigma. It's up to us, the folks with herpes, to normalize this and actually show that it's not a big deal. One disclosure at a time. 

[D_Marie]

Thank you @mr_hopp for the thoughtful response. You have a lot of really good points for me to think about and consider. When I face difficult problems my brain likes to try and put it into a neat logical formula, but that obviously can’t be done with disclosures, as you so eloquently showed. 

[Jespo]

On 3/26/2024 at 6:29 PM, D_Marie said:

I can speak from both sides of the disclosure issue. I had someone recently disclose to me about their HSV 1 status after we've been dating for months. I freaked out, because I felt like they took no precautions to avoid infecting me. I felt betrayed and I did want to take legal action. I got tested and found out that I had both 1&2! It turned out that I may have been living with HSV2 for over 15 years and not known it. I'm asymptomatic. Now I'm in a position where I may have to disclose. I've come to the conclusion that if an H+ person has done everything that they can do to reduce the risk to <1% or less than the risk of dying in a car accident, then I feel disclosures are optional. HSV is not a deadly virus. We live in a world where we take "acceptable risks" everyday, throughout the day when you take any kind of medicine, drive in your car, eat store bought food, etc. without getting disclosures. Nothing is 100% safe. It would make us insane to have all risk communicated to us for all the things we do daily.  We would be  too afraid to do anything. I don't disclosure to people that there is a chance we may die, every time I drive someone in my car. Anyone that's having sex is accepting some level of risk that something unwanted may occur. So my position is that H+ people should do what is best for their mental health. If not disclosing causes you a lot of anguish and guilt, then disclose. If disclosing this personal information about yourself causes you an unhealthy level of anxiety then don't. 

At the end of the day, the pain caused HSV is 95% mental anguish because of being stigmatized and only 5% physically annoying. We as a society need to reframe how we approach this to start reducing those unnecessary mental effects.


 

Thank you for this! This is the same conclusion I came to as well. After I disclosed, I lost the love of my life from being insanely in love with me to having contempt and disgust for me. I was always on my medication and told her before we became intimate. I did all the things you’re “supposed” to do. I always put her health and well-being first.

She accepted it at first (for 2 weeks) and we had sex a few times, which was amazing, but then she went on Google and freaked out and slowly started getting “too busy” and then said she couldn’t see things working out between us.

I tried to talk to her but she shut down and just didn’t want to risk even a “small chance”. She walked away and I slipped into depression and anxiety and financial loss (coaches and therapists aren’t cheap) for over a year and I’m still recovering from it. Been on over 50 dates in the last year and nobody came close to what we had so far. And I don’t do casual sex either btw. Before her, I hadn’t had sex in 4 years. And I haven’t had sex with anyone else either since that ended over a year ago. 
 

So I 100% agree with you. I’m choosing not to disclose from this point forward but staying on my medication. If you want more details about my story from the minute I met this girl to one-year-after, you can read my latest post. 

[mr_hopp]

On 3/27/2024 at 8:15 PM, D_Marie said:

Thank you @mr_hopp for the thoughtful response. You have a lot of really good points for me to think about and consider. When I face difficult problems my brain likes to try and put it into a neat logical formula, but that obviously can’t be done with disclosures, as you so eloquently showed. 

My pleasure, @D_Marie! Ultimately it's about asking yourself what kind of a relationship you want to have and attract ... If you want a relationship that's based on truth, authenticity, trust, and all those good things, then we need to lay that foundation. And like @Jespo shared, it doesn't always work out when you do the right thing, but it's vital to not let fear steal away our own integrity to then avoid having such important conversations with partners in the future. That is a recipe for even more pain in the future once a relationship is based on such shaky foundations.