This can't be life...

[thiscantbelife]

Well... other than my doctor and God no one knows that I am dealing with (h). I need to get my story out and ask some questions of people that are going through or have gone through what I am currently experiencing. I am going to try to make a long story short.....here it goes....

 

I was in a relationship that I should have ended a long time ago, but I did not want to hurt his feelings so I stayed. One night while out with friends I met a man that I was instantly attracted to, enjoyed his conversation/company, and felt a connections to. We spent the next 12 hours together which included sex. I insisted on using a condom, which we did, but it popped...he got a new one...and we continued. The next day he called and we went out for dinner and spent time together to the wee hours of the morning (this time no sex was involved). During that dinner I found out he was also in a relationship, but I decided to proceed with getting to know him. Since then we have been together sexually a few more times (with and without a condom), of course reassuring each other that we are "clean". After our most recent encounter I decided to go to my doctor to double check. Of course I received a call from the doctor (so I knew bad news was on the way) and was told that I have HSV2. After that there was a lot of tears, depression, self hate, denial, and fear. As far as I know I was "clean".

 

My mind has been racing...does the other guy have (h)...if so, does he know? I don't think I got it from the person I was in a relationship with...or did I? The other issue is that I have had sex with the person that I was in a relationship with once between the first and most recent encounter with the new guy (who I THINK I got HSV2 from), so now I am worried that I have passed this along.

 

I am beginning to "deal" with the fact that I have HSV, but I still find that it occupies many of my thoughts. I PRAY daily that I have not messed up anyone's life like I have done my own.

 

I often look around when I am out and about and wonder if anyone else if dealing with this. If there are 3 other people in the room I know I am the 1 in 4 that has it :(

 

Does anyone have any suggestions to help me to better deal with this? I can't imagine having the disclosure conversation, and I play that in my head too...what will I say??? I don't know what to do...I feel like I am paralyzed!! I feel like I will never be in a relationship again. I feel like I have so much to ask but I just don't know where to begin...

 

Please help!!

[SheWillBLoved]

all I can really say is it will get better in time. you know what to do just listen to your heart and you begin at the beginning >:D<

 

feel whatever you need to feel but please be kind to yourself. think positively. I recently got diagnosed on Nov. 7 so I'm new to this but I know that somethings just don't help. stress isn't good for you. I passed hsv2 to two guys so I feel the guilt but my friend had to tell me I didn't know & if I had known I wouldn't have done it. he said I'm a great person and I didn't deserve this (which I believed was my punishment) and that the guilt was gonna kill me more than the initial feelings of having hsv2. we are not giving more than what we can handle be strong and know you're not alone sunshine :x

[WCSDancer2010]

The problem is that most people *think* they have been tested but in actuality have not...so until they either get symptoms or do as you did and insist on the full gamut of tests (and not just HIV, Syphilis/gonorrhea which is the typical tests that you are offered) they can be out there passing this around. You could have had it and it was dormant until some stressor brought it out, or one of them could have given it to you.

 

Your best bet is to get informed before you tell them. Tell them they need to be tested for EVERYTHING in the future and that you were in the 80% who did not know. Apologize for your ignorance (likely they are just as uninformed as you were at the time) but don't beat yourself up about it - but DO go out and make sure to let them know so they can get tested and do what they need to for their results.

 

(((HUGS))) and good luck in your *H* journey...

 

[hope75]

I often look around when I am out and about and wonder if anyone else if dealing with this. ..

 

I do this too x

 

[thiscantbelife]

Thanks ladies for the replies with your words of encouragement and information to help me go from here. This forum has helped me tremendously (since I have not shared this information with anyone yet). I am doing ALOT better than I did when I first found out (it will be a month next week). I just take things one day at a time...

[abc123]

I too look around-- everywhere I go--- and wonder if I am the only one in the room who has herpes. Ugh. I hate that feeling.

[WCSDancer2010]

abc - Uh - look at the statistics - 80% of people have herpes. I PROMISE you you are not the only one in the room with Herpes unless you are alone in the room ;)

[Xtina420]

It's funny you say that because I do the same thing. I'm like hmmmmm who has herpes in this store. And I'm sure at least someone does! It's ok all the feelings you're feeling, you're not alone in this. The stigma that has been made about herpes pisses me off. I hate when I hear on movies a joke about it. How rude!! If people were more aware of what H really is I'm sure it wouldn't be such a big deal. I'm trying each day to be positive. Some days are harder then others but life goes on. When I first found out I had it I told my fiancée and he didn't even care. But when i had 4 outbreaks this year i didn't tell him what was going on. When he wanted sex I would just say i wasn't in the mood. I have no idea why I kept it from him. When I know he already knew and didn't care. I'm having an outbreak now and this forum gave me the courage to tell him about it. And again, it wasn't a big deal to him. I think we beat ourselves up more about it then what it actually is. It's a skin condition! Not life threatening! Maybe we hit the jack pot with getting something that doesn't give us a death sentence. There's so much to life and a little soar down south shouldn't ruin our lives! So know you're soooo not alone in this! We're here for you!

Xoxo

[WCSDancer2010]

Actually, you talk about the jokes in movies and such - I bet if someone with HSV could put together a really GOOD stand-up comedy about it, you could actually get some great info out there. I mean, we all end up with our "drama stories" that can be hysterically funny.... and the best comedians get their ideas from real life. If we could show just how crazy/nuts out brains work when we are first diagnosed, maybe some people would get it that the disease doesn't deserve the stigma attached to it ;)

[Xtina420]

I bet you're right!! WCS!! Herpes comedy special, that's one show Id love to see haha

[emmz48]

I had my first OB in July and also have no idea where it came from as I've been with the same partner for 2 years. I am also still getting used to dealing with it and its so hard. You're definitely not on your own and I've found this site also to be so helpful - I only joined last night!

[tjones]

Herpes in a few years will be in your rear view mirror and you wont even think about it more than once or twice a year. I got it real bad in 85 and thought my life was over but it obviously wasn't.

[hopefull01]

I do the same thing. Walked around and wonder if people know that they might have herpes. =(

 

[tjones]

They might have a lot more than herpes. They might have a cancer gene waiting to wake up next week and give them leukemia then they would wish that all they had was herpes.

[WCSDancer2010]

That doesn't make everyone's experiences with the anger, fear, frustration, and confusion on here any less valid.... SMH

 

 

[tryingtosmile]

I too am in the same boat...I think i am experiencing my first outbreak and I don't know what to do or who to go to. I already saw a doctor and got tested but it will take a week to get the results back and i am 99.9% sure that i do have genital herpes. My mom is the only person who knows and she tells me to stop crying about it until I know for sure but i just can't help it. I feel disgusting. I don't even know who i got this from, I am a 20 year old single college student. I was considered desirable at my school. And now i feel disgusting and like no one will ever want me again unless I meet someone who already has this disease. I can't ever imagine telling a guy I like, I already have enough trouble finding love after my 3.5 year relationship ended and now it will be even more difficult. All I want is to be normal again. I know it isnt the worst thing in the world and that it is common but it would change my dating life forever and plus the discomfort is so bad! I can't even begin to get any treatment until my diagnosis comes back on friday and i fear the worst. Someone please help me cope with this. The only thing that makes me feel better at this point is trolling the internet on sites like this!!

[WCSDancer2010]

tryingtosmile:

 

First, welcome to the forum.... and glad you found us. I promise you, life DOES continue after Herpes.

 

The first thing you want to do is to read as much as you can on here... starting with the handouts and ebook.

 

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Then read about thisisgoingtobeokay (previously defeatedbuttrying)'s recent success....

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it-#Item_19

 

You see, you are no more disgusting today than you were before you got Herpes (assuming you are right). It's all in YOUR head, thanks to the stigma that we hve put on what is essentially a nuisance skin condition. You are no less desirable today - at least, not to anyone who REALLY matters in your life. And the physical pain WILL stop - over time you will learn to manage it...everyone is different but you will find lots of great info on here about how to soothe outbreaks and help keep them from coming back.

 

Just BREATHE for now.... and know you WILL be ok :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[tryingtosmile]

WCSDancer:

Thank you so much for the support and reassurance. I know I can live with this and will be ok, the initial shock is probably the hardest part. Maybe one day I can even see this as a good thing, although that seems hard to imagine right now.

[WCSDancer2010]

tryingtosmile:

 

So here's the thing. Science is proving over and over that we can trick our brains into all kinds of things just by changing our thoughts. The problem is we were never taught how to do this in school. So it's something that has to be practiced and it takes time to learn how to not get triggered by things, how to look for the positive side (of being positive.... ;) ) , etc. So perhaps you can start by seeing Herpes as being the thing that will help you learn to look for the message or lesson that it is bringing to you.

 

Ie: If you continually made poor choices about partners. Or how you take care of your health. Or stress. etc. Herpes will tell you when any of those things are out of balance.

 

Yes - you are in shock right now and that's ok. It's all part of the process. Once you are over that, it's up to YOU how you deal with it in the future :)

 

Peace

[tryingtosmile]

I suppose it is just a skin condition, and plenty of my friends have cold sores.....I just don't think they will understand that it is the same thing because I got it from having sex and they have probably had it (at a different site) since childhood. I feel like I am being punished, and I am not even a religious person.

[WCSDancer2010]

Again, that is just your story - only YOU are punishing yourself..... no other being or deity is involved in this.

 

I am sure your friends also make plenty of errors of judgement (I do remember most of my late teens/early 20's). So are they any dirtier, or any more deserving of this "punishment"? No. You just lost the Herpes/STD lottery, that's all. Just like folks in their late teens and early 20's often do stupid things in their cars ... most get away with it but many learn the hard lessons of the consequences of mixing speed/recklessness/texting/whatever with driving.

 

Your GOOD friends won't care - especially if you educate them. In fact, one thing you can do is use this as a way to tell them about the REAL facts about Herpes so that they can hopefully avoid getting it (or at least don't beat themselves up as much as you are IF they get unlucky and get it). I for one finally came completely out so I can openly educate people about the FACTS. And you know what? I haven't lost ONE friend over this ;)

[peterk]

At your young age this kind of thing is a much bigger deal then when you get a little older. At 23 I met a girl who had it on her lip and she got it from dating Huey Lewis. She was almost proud of it. But she had a good sense of humor about it and went on to start her own business and essentially was financially independent of the need to work. She bought a vineyard up north and had a great life. Herpes was just another one of her lifes stories to her.

[StillLearningInPacNW]

tryingtosmile: some semi-rambling thoughts that one of your posts inspired: I don't think I've ever felt that my “H-ness” rendered me “disgusting”. Terms such as “un-appealling” or “damaged goods”, now those are some self-recriminations I AM familiar with. In the same way that there are 1000's of other women who are struggling with the feelings you describe, so too are there 1000's of other men who echo my worries. What I'm clumsily attempting to point out is, try not to tell yourself that the waiter has suddenly refused to serve you. You don't have to quit dining, you just have to move from the lunch menu to the dinner menu. The selections are different, and the food is probably better prepared.

[WCSDancer2010]

try not to tell yourself that the waiter has suddenly refused to serve you. You don't have to quit dining, you just have to move from the lunch menu to the dinner menu. The selections are different, and the food is probably better prepared.

 

Love this :)