My story

[duppystrangler]

I have so much to say but I’ll try to keep it short. I’m 22 living in a small town in NJ with my parents. I just got diagnosed about 3 weeks ago with genital HSV1 and this was the final straw this year. I’m a normal girl. Never had a problem with getting guys although I never even bothered. I’ve always kind of kept to myself. I’ve only had 3 legit boyfriends in my life and few sex partners. I’ve always been super careful to the point where I skeeved people. I have a shitty history when it comes to men. My dad neglected me growing up because he was too occupied with dictating and abusing my brother which I got to witness and which led my brother to rebel and become a drug user and abuse me. The cycle always continues and repeats from what I’ve experienced. I thought I found someone I could look up to in a man when I fell in love for the first time but he abandoned me without any explanation. My last relationship, which was this year, was the worst thing that could happen to me. I never thought I would find myself in an abusive relationship. Besides the physical abuse, there was mental and verbal. Having someone tell you you’re worthless and ugly and that no one likes you and talk shit on you after all you’ve done but good things for them, really messes with your psyche. After I broke up with him I rediscovered myself and put my soul back together since he robbed it from me. I’ve always been so self-aware and he made me feel like I didn’t even know myself anymore. After the summer ended I was really starting to find happiness amongst some other misfortunes I don’t feel like explaining, I reconnected with an old friend and that’s when it happened, I contracted this stupid stigmatized disease and pretty much lost myself again. For my 22nd Birthday my present from the world was herpes! All I’ve ever gotten from the male species was neglect, abandonment, abuse, and STDs. I like to believe I am intelligent, I’ve been through a lot and I’ve made it through because I am a strong person but this takes shit to a whole new level. Of course the question lingers “how could this happen to me?” Who am I? Every time I look in the mirror I recognize myself of course, but I see a different person at the same time, someone I’m upset with, someone I’m disappointed in. The angel on the one side of my shoulder is telling me to press on and things will be okay, and the devil on the other side is telling me everything is hopeless, give up already. This is just another thing to add to my baggage, not to mention I already have HPV which I got from that abusive demon. Once again, I find myself not knowing who I am. I am an honest and open person, but now I have a dark secret to hide. I am not promiscuous or a “slut” but now I’m looked at as one, and I’m not a dirty person but now I have something associated with being dirty. I have all the same fears, worries, and beliefs as I’ve been reading other people have that were diagnosed. I’m scared no one will ever be with me because of all of this. I am damaged goods. Not only am I fucked up from being abused, but I have two STDs I have to explain to a potential partner. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and I’ll probably connect all the dots one day and realize why this was destiny, but for right now I can’t help but to break down and cry and freak myself out every couple hours of each day. Every time I look at someone I think maybe they have it too! I’m always screaming “I have fucking herpes!” in my head. I shared a drink with a friend the other night and automatically thought “HERPES!” No one would ever imagine I would have this damn thing and two of my friends actually think I’m a lesbian at this point because I’m so introverted when it comes to men. Recently I saw one of my ex’s joke about Valtrex on his Instagram and my stomach dropped. Who knows maybe he has it too. I keep trying to tell myself it’s not a big deal but it will be when it complicates the next potential relationship I’m pursuing. Only my doctor, my mother, and the guy who gave it to me know about this. I feel so alone. I wish I could tell a friend but I can’t trust any of them enough and everyone knows everyone here, it would spread like wildfire. I don’t want people to know. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm a beautiful person or anything, I just want to relate to someone. When my doctor told me I had herpes I shouted in the examination room, “I’M FUCKED!!!”

[peaceandlove]

Hi duppystrangler, I'm 23 also living in a small town in NJ and you're story really hit me. I just.recently ended a 4 year unhealthy relationship from which I contracted HPV but when I found someone new who made me feel alive attractive and safe again, he didn't care. Sadly after we were intimate I was diagnosed with HSV1 genitally. Now I can't get in touch with him to talk to him or even just to tell him to get tested. I'm so hurt, I feel dirty and ashamed, but I know we're not. We are normal women worth love and respect and I want you to know you're not alone. It is so hard to get past the negative feelings, and if you need to talk I'm here.

[SheWillBLoved]

Big ginormous hugggggsss!

[SheWillBLoved]

>:D<

[NexisLexis]

Big Hugs

 

I'm 41 and I have been going through the that same thought pattern myself but reading here and learning everything I can on this has taken the fear and stigma away. though I think I'm getting paranoid about the next O.B.

 

You are with safe and good people who have walked ahead of us to guide and mentor us as we grapple with this skin disorder.

 

here is me in a outline form. none of it define who I am but it has shaped me to be who I am now. though horrible, I can see how the gold thread has weaved itself in and out of my life to make me a better person for my family, friends and those who I come in contact with.

 

I have been molested, raped, and sodomized, lost virginity at 14, married at 18, had two daughters who saved my life, I have been beaten and strangled was married for 19.75years, divorced which I represented myself in court. now I'm in a nasty custody battle with my ex who is using my daughters as pawns. and then I get herpes.....I have been to counselors to work out the past so it doesn't destroy my future and talking with a counselor has help me regain what was stolen from me. In fact these things that I went through has made me fearless and bold and to become more assertive and I also found myself who I really am.

 

the greatest thing that has happened this year is that I got married to man who loves me and my daughters. and he also has herpes to.

 

because I have gone through all of this I have great empathy, and love for my fellow man I have learned not to take life with a tight fist but to loosen my grip on life to enjoy it for what it is and to see the beauty around me so I can be a blessing to others. it may not all make sense now but it will someday. and your going to rise above all others because you have the skills and tools to do so. You are a strong and brilliant young women. and if you think NJ is small try living in Iowa. ; )

 

just wanted to reach out to you and to encourage also. I truly hope this helps.

 

hugs from the midwest.

[WCSDancer2010]

WOW Lexis ... what a story! I am moved and humbled. And so happy for you. So happy you found your man. Thank you for sharing :)

[duppystrangler]

Lexis, hearing how positive u are is uplifting to me. You are such a strong women. You're right, when u go through hard times if gives u such a sence of empathy and i like that about myself. Thank you for the support its greatly appreciated!

[NexisLexis]

Thank You. Hard as it may be we women must dig deep within ourselves to find our strength and when we do we can walk with our heads high and our backs straight without shame or condemnation. keep in touch and have a wonderful thanksgiving.

 

[duppystrangler]

Well said, Thank you very much you too!

[Orngpeelmafia]

Hey east coast love goin on here I'm 25 and chillin in Pa right across the river from jersey! I remember everyday when I hoped in the shower after I found out I cried. I felt dirty...I didn't know any better not to. The act of showering to clean myself...and knowing I would never be clean again...it turned into a depressing cycle. Wake up, hope in shower, cry my eyes out because the world as I know it is over, go about my day as an empty shell of what I used to be. One day I woke up and hopped in the shower and refused to cry. I couldn't keep putting myself through that anymore. And neither should you. We are not the events in our life...we are what we choose to be in spite of those events. <3 stay strong and stay proud

[WCSDancer2010]

Orngpeel ... Beautifully put! Thank you so much for sharing your "cleansing" experience. We are all perfect exactly as we are... we just have to find a way to believe it!

 

 

[duppystrangler]

well said, thanks for the encouragement

[hope75]

duppystrangler

when I read this there were many parts where I thought you were talking about me. You have overcome so many things and this makes you a strong person. You can conquer this skin condition too. And you just have to read some of the success story's on here of people finding true love after herpes. A more trusting deeper kind of love that herpes has strangely actually contributed to. When you have healed you will move on. You can and will overcome this and be happy. You have a future. In the meantime do what you have always done.. be strong like some of the other amazing women on here such as WCSDancer and Lexis ( that story is amazing, so proud of you Lexi )

You have support on here and can rant and vent and seek encouragement and love any time. big hugs

I posted this before but I love it and it helps me !! listen to the words and believe in them xxx

 

PM me any time xx

 

[duppystrangler]

thanks so much this song is really good! I love his dreads!

[Equanimous]

Respect!

[WCSDancer2010]

Wow - you guys all blow me away. I had a pretty decent childhood - not perfect, but I didn't come with instructions either... having been a parent, I have total respect for my parents...and parents in general.

 

It amazes me away though how many people come through horridly dysfunctional childhoods ... and come through as you all have..... cracked, but not broken. I'm speechless (or wordless in this case).... and it's not often I'm at a loss for word.

 

I hope this image comes through - its about Kintsukuroi...."To repair with gold"; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.

 

The Herpes Opportunity is all about becoming better through "having been broken". Bless you all. Thank you for sharing. We will ALL be better for this experience...

 

(((HUGS))) to you all

 

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/125467539591330793/

[Aerial2013]

@duppystrangler , it takes alot of courage to talk openly about things that just one generation back were unmentionable! BRAVO, lady! I am to be 44 soon, and learned to talk about my own childhood abuses, incest, rape and other horrific experiences long before my recent experiences w/this H journey. Though my recent experiences w/H are at best likened to a "blender" (as I like to call it), I am thankful to have had the opportunity to at least begin to see myself apart from all the "stuff" that happened TO me. I don't know what your experiences on this site will be like, but I can tell you that for me, I am thankful beyond words for a place to be THIS real! This is truly as real as it gets, and I have yet to find anything as refreshing!

 

I can tell you, though, that just when I thought I had truly come to terms with all the shit mentioned above, this H journey started taking me to even deeper vision. It has made me pause and look first and foremost at my view of myself in intimate relationships. My intimate relationships have always defined me somehow, almost like I lost myself once I was connected intimately to another human being (which, for me has been male). My deep attitudes toward men that were shaped by the men who hurt me as a child, and my absolute FEAR of being alone is what I now am looking closely at because of the last few months navigating H and the associated tests w/my dr.

 

I wanted to tell you of a woman named Lelani on this site who posted publicly her very inspirational story navigating what she called the "Two For One Special". I don't know if ordinary members are allowed to post internal links, but I'll try. You may not find hope in it yet, but please, from one survivor to another, don't give in to the idea that it's not at least possible, ok?!

 

Again, BRAVO, lady! It is my hope for you that you come to terms with the reality that you are "More than the choices that you've made, and MUCH more than the choices of others that tried to make you."

[Aerial2013]

Found it...and she didn't exactly call it "two for one special" but close...

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1132/herpes-can-find-you-the-right-partner/p1

Hope the link is allowed.

[duppystrangler]

Hope75, you are such a strong women to have gone through all that and talk to positively. Its funny you mentioned that book because I followed her story for years and was considering reading that book but wasn't sure if I could handle it. I'm def. going to read it now. People like us, including Aerial2013 and WCSdancer210, who have been through things and came out on the other side stronger human beings can def. have much empathy for people and I believe that is a great quality. Thank you so much for your support. I have already grown a lot from reading posts on here and living and coping with H! <3

[Aerial2013]

Hope75, we r kindred spirits on the belief that forgiveness frees us! Don't ever apologize for "sabotaging" a post! I LOVE reading what you write! MAN, this has been an awesome thread! Thank you, duppystrangler for letting us all into your journey!

[duppystrangler]

Thank you everyone! hugs!!!