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Do I have to tell that I have herpes?


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I recently found out I have HSV-2, much to my surprise. It was weird because my last 2 partners were negative. I had a partner for 9 years who never got it from me and I never knew I had it. My reason for posting and I know it's probably been discussed before, but is it so wrong to keep it a secret?

 

I've been reading all this stuff online about condoms and dental dams and stuff and honestly if I have to use a condom and a dental dam forever I would rather not have sex anymore. To me sex is about intimacy and the latex DOES put a barrier between the passion. People that say otherwise are kidding themselves. Especially a dental dam. Those aren't fun at all and really takes a lot of the pleasure away with oral sex. I really think that's unrealistic to expect someone to wrap themselves latex to have sex all the time, especially if you're serious about someone. If two people know they don't have anything fatal, and if certain precautions like not doing it when there is an outbreak, I think that's good enough.

 

Are we going to use dental dams to kiss too? And you can still catch it even if you use use all of these devices. Do people who get cold sores tell everyone? I don't think so. They don't even test people for herpes for std testing. You have to ask for a test.

 

My last 2 partners never caught it from me (this was without protection). So I just don't know about disclosing this all the time, especially considering it's not life threatening. I suppose if the person you were with was someone who you loved, it would be something to share. When you're in love, there's total trust an intimacy. But in love there's also risk. So I've decided that if someone really loves me, they won't make me wrap myself in latex and if they do then they weren't the right one. Maybe no one will every love me again, I don't know.

 

I am just so angry and I just think it's really unreasonable to expect people with herpes to always tell and always use latex. And there are no guarantees even so. I'm angry about the herpes and I'm angry at all these health sites that don't explore the non latex options. Why don't they say, hey herpes is a non life threatening skin condition that you're at risk of catching, regardless of the latex. Latex is a barrier between germs and also a barrier between true intimacy and love. To say otherwise in a delusion and a lie. I'm sick of that lie.

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Hi Joyus,

 

I feel you!

 

Dental dams do seem a bit extreme don't they? :) The pictures aren't sexy at all... its how I'd imagine sex with an over-zealous, germo-phobic dentist who insists on wearing latex gloves while we make out. (Apologies to all the dentists on the forum!).

 

I am new to this, and I share your fears about not being loved again. But I also know that herpes is irrelevant, and that if I am fearless and unapologetic, there are a lot of wonderful people out there who would love us regardless of our perceived imperfections...because we accept them and they accept us.

 

So while herpes is indeed a harmless and irrelevant condition, I feel it is still necessary that we are open about it..... because every partner has the right to know. And being open, vulnerable and honest about yourself is the first step towards being truly intimate. And hopefully with love there will come a point when a potential partner will be more than willing to tear off all barriers... including those of the latex variety.

 

Cheers!

H

 

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I get what you're saying about wanting someone to love us despite this non threatening yet contagious skin disease. However i didn't choose to sleep with a man who had herpes. I was lied to, tricked ,and manipulated into thinking i was having sex with a man who didnt have a life altering skin disease. I still get mad as hell when i think about how little respect he had for me or my sex life. So yes you should tell someone you're thinking of sleeping with.i didn't choose herpes through casual sex. it was sprung upon me through deceit and lies. I have more respect for men in general to do that to them unlike the fucked up man that did this to me. Am i completely blameless. No i accept i ws stupid and choose to have unprotected sex with this man even tgough i didnt love him. But he took the choice away from me to say no i just want to be friends don't worry i won't tell anyone. I feel mentally raped by his manipulation and if u don't want that 10 percent chance girl who or guy who could be ur ms. or mr. special to have these same feelings if hate for u i suggest u ne honest. and if u don't care about someone i suggest u at least have enough respect for them to tell them or not engage in sex with them at all. Herpes is not something i would have choosen to contract. If i loved someone with herpes mayne that would have been different. my point is it is wrong to take the choice away from them. I'm not judging you I'm in the same boat u are in and i understand not wanting to tell someone. but think about how u would feel if u didn't have herpes and someobe did that to you. treat people how u would want to ne treated. When u are disclosing to someone tell them what u told us. hey I've slept with people before and they didn't get it. and if ghey don't understand find someone who does and knows what a treasure u are for being honest and open about something like that. good luck and best of wishes

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You don't HAVE to do anything, but I agree with peachyogurt on this one. If the guy that gave it to me had being honest and open, then yes... maybe I wouldn't have slept with him that night. But honestly, I'd have been so flattered that he felt he could tell me that I'd have probably ended up falling in love with him and sleeping with him any way. Obviously this is in hindsight but I know what I'm like.Now.... I don't love him, but I certainly don't hate him. I feel sorry for him, because I wouldn't want to live with the guilt of passing this unwillingly on to anyone.

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I think it is probably better to disclose than not because true love and intimacy requires complete trust. That being said, there's a lot of propaganda out there that are really annoying to me, like claiming that dental dams (for fingers too!) and condoms are gonna be just as good. That's a bunch of crap. The facts are that these barriers do cut the intimacy in sex and they don't as good. And dental dams and condoms taste nasty!

 

How can it be expected that I am okay with this, feeling like a leper and accepting folks that want to stay in latex forever if we are dating. If I'm serious with someone I do expect the latex to come off at some point and I don't think that's unreasonable. If I had a deadly disease, that would be entirely different. I guess what I'm saying, is that at a certain point people are going to have be more open to catching herpes if they want to experience truly intimate sex. So many people have cold sores and I don't see a big push to get every one to disclose this.

 

There's a lot of stigma here and weird attitudes toward genital herpes that need to be explored instead of "just use a dental dam and valtrex." Genital herpes are cold sores down there. Some people don't even have outbreaks!

 

I just think a much better and more inclusive approach would be to get people to accept that there is risk in love and sex. Love and sex are very special experiences and no one should be deprived of those experiences. Sometimes it's worth catching herpes to experience sex and love. The perfect person that doesn't have herpes may not exist and the non-infected might be missing out on the love of their lives. Likewise, if people who do have herpes limit themselves to other hsv+ people they are also missing out on their possible soul mate (if something exists). Even if someone wants to have some casual fun, people are still missing out.

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Hey Joyus!

 

I hear your anger and frustration. Totally. And the antidote to shame is openness. Not avoidance and denial of what is. The fact is, there IS a stigma around this simple virus that doesn't deserve to have a stigma associated with it. :) And not telling potential partners will only help to grow said stigma; telling partners with all the simplicity and okayness that match the non-issue that this virus truly is deflates said stigma. And yes, we have a responsibility to spread okayness instead of shame. And that responsibility begins with us finding acceptance with ourselves first.

 

Look, a great way for the stigma to go away and for EVERYONE to recognize that this herpes thing is just a pesky little skin condition is for us to shed our own sexual shame and stigma so that disclosure conversations are straightup and no-nonsense. When we are in the open about having this virus (that yes, ultimately doesn't deserve to be a big deal), then we do our part to bringing it out of the shame closet and into the light of awareness and acceptance. That's what the Herpes Opportunity is all about ... shedding the shame and bringin' on the self-acceptance! Each one of us, in our own time and our own ways. :) Getting knowledgeable about herpes and ourselves allows us to continue to spread love, okayness and non-judgment instead of shame and stigma.

 

And I agree that sex is better and more intimate without the beloved latex layer (for sure). :) However, in my experience, the amount of intimacy involved is indirectly correlated to how much latex is between me and her, too (less intimacy/trust, more latex; more intimacy/trust, less latex). ;) Whether I had herpes or not, that layer of latex would be there anyway until we're in a committed, trusting relationship that would necessitate the latex getting out of the way! ;) I stay in latex regardless if I'm just dating someone (again, this is whether I had herpes or not!). It's just the world we live in. There are plenty of fun STDs out there floating around, so if there's casual fun, then I want to make sure we're both on the same page around what's on the table so we can then have fun in as safe a way as possible for both of us!

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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I should apologize as my post might have come across as as angry and judgmental. Sometimes i feel like I'm ok and accepted that i have this and I'm ok. and then something just triggers my anger all over again. What i should have said was u are worth someone that u can disclose too. If my post sounded mean i surely didn't mean it towards u. i w as just reliving someone not telling me all over again. And i may have come across as not being supportive of u and I'm sorry.

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Equanimous and Adrial, I agree with you. I just had someone break my heart and it's been very tough. I was rejected because I was honest. This guy was really awesome in most other ways, except he did not want the stigma of this and that was enough to scare him away. I felt so disgusting about myself and it was one of the worst feelings in the whole world. Oh well, I suppose. There are a lot of really great people out there who don't want the stigma and in a way I can't blame them. I can't blame him for doing this to me. And I don't blame people for not telling because of the stigma. I'm not going to judge them, after experiencing the pain of rejection. I also know that I can't have sex with latex forever, especially dental dams. Those are the worst. Sex is much more than a physical experience to me. In the past I've always had partners test for diseases, and I'd do the same and we'd be good.

 

Peachyogurtisawesome, no worries. I understand how you feel, because it's how I felt when I found out. I don't know who gave it to me and thinking back on it, I may have had this since highschool. I just don't know. I was asymptomatic for a really long time. My last 2 partners were negative. One of them I was with for 9 years, without condoms. So the herpes must have come from me and I must have had this for over 10 years not even knowing it.

 

I probably would tell someone again (even though my heart was ripped out of my chest recently for being honest) because if I have feelings for someone I couldn't lie about that. At the same time, I also expect that my next partner, if they truly have feelings for me, that they will take the risk to be with me. I am good enough for someone to take that risk.

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I've been hurt in the past, too. I feel you on that! It hurts when we're ready to open our heart and they're not willing to jump in. Big, tender hug goes out to your hurting heart ...

 

And if that's the kind of deep, connected and accepting relationship you're yearning for, then that is the relationship you will get. I promise you. There are plenty of quality men out there who will see the 2% chance of getting herpes from you as way worth the risk. The one who's right for you will accept it. The one you're not supposed to be with won't. (By the way, just for clarification that 2% chance of passing herpes is if you and your partner decide that you will take suppressive therapy and not use a condom; for comparison, there's a 1.81% chance of us dying in a car accident every time we drive.)

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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I am so glad I found this Forum! :)

 

I am 22 and still waiting the results of my tests for Herpes. I have been in a committed loving relationship for 6 months now and when I told him last week that I could possible have herpes he was very shocked, we both were. We have had a rough week and been dealing with this information in our own ways. But we have talked and I told him I was so concerned that he would leave me because of the stigma related to this skin condition. But non the less he told me if he didn't want to be with me becuase of this he would of told me by now, he also said "why are you getting so upset, you're not dying? I love you and plan to be with you a long time, so I'm not going anywhere".

 

People can be so hurtful but you just to need to look at the positives in your life and keep moving forward :)

 

Yes I am scared of passing this on to my partner and I told him there will also be a risk he could become infected, but he still remains with me, and I am so thankful.

 

Don't feel like youre the plague and need to be seperated from everyone without herpes. You deserve to live a life that you want, and find love. That person who will accept you for who you are is out there, sometimes you have to wait for the rain to stop to see the rainbow.

 

Hugs for everyone! :)

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@ Adrial " And not telling potential partners will only help to grow said stigma; "

 

B I N G O !

 

There are many layers to the "Closet" we are all living in with Herpes. While you may not choose to "come out" in the way I did (to my whole FB population of friends... all 1000+ of them!), I really feel we have to at least be open with anyone we are getting intimate with, because to lie only adds to the negativity that is thrown at us by the ignorant when they find out the truth. And I can't really blame them. Certainly, If I had known that the guy who gave me Herpes had it, I likely would have slowed things waaay down (and learned he was a total JERK before I got intimate with him...but I was 17 and flattered that he was "attracted" to me .. SMH... :P )

 

The stance I give now is that if they are concerned, then this is just a good reason for us to slow things down, really get to KNOW each other better so when we do get physical, we know it is for the right reasons. Funny thing is, I've now had 2 short-term partners who let their hormones get the better of them, who got physical and then decided that they just couldn't get over worrying about catching it. But at least they cannot say that we "herpes carriers" are a lying, conniving group of degenerates.... they WERE informed...they CHOSE to walk away....

 

In the end, for ME, it's all about Integrity. To start a relationship with a LIE is just asking for trouble. When I have been on dating sites, I state specifically that if anything is untrue in the other person's profile (age being the usual one) I ask that they come clean when they first contact me, because if they lie to me about a small thing like that, I wonder what else they will lie about. For me, I HAVE to tell them once we get beyond the first few dates... I guess technically I *should* tell them before we kiss (because I hit the jackpot and got both... ugh..) but given that 80% of the population has Oral herpes, I just make sure I am not having any symptoms before I go on the date.... that is definitely a more difficult call to be sure ... but for ME, the genital one is devastating enough when you are first diagnosed and I don't want to put anyone through that if I can avoid it...

 

 

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Hi joyus89, I totally , understand how you feel about about the difficulties of the HSV stigma. We don't want to be seen as just a disease and having to disclose to a new partner makes that a painful reality. Even if someone is willing to become involved, its difficult to feel truly loved and accepted when your partner is scared to touch you. But despite that it's always better to be honest. There is no way to start a lasting relationship when you're hiding something. You said "Do people with cold sores tell everyone?" They don't, I didn't but I wish I had. I found out after a new partner my oral HSV1 had become gential and I never knew. That converstion the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I think it would not have been so difficult if I had said something before. And while I haven't had to tell a new partner since (it's only been 4 days) I truly believe having the tough conversation before being intimate is better than having to explain yourself later. We are beautiful, amazing women and any man worth our time should see that!

 

Adrial- Thank you for the statistics about passing herpes to a partner with suppressive therepy, its great to know there are options other than just condoms especially for those of us who want to have a family someday.

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