The dreaded herpes disclosure tomorrow night

[cc123]

Hey all... After 3 weeks and 2 different doctors telling me my blister was an infected hair follicle (even after I insisted infected hair follicles don't burn and itch like crazy), I got the call today that my blood test results came back positive for HSV1. It's still not "conclusive" ((of course)) so I have to go back for more testing in 4 weeks.

 

Anyways, I've been avoiding hanging out with or hooking up with my current guy since I suspected something was wrong. I wanted to know for sure before I said anything. I know now that I can't put it off any longer and have to tell him. I'm so incredibly nervous and scared. I've been crying uncontrollably all night.. My biggest fears are that 1. He won't want anything to do with me anymore 2. He'll hate me if I accidentally passed it to him and 3. That he'll confide in one of his friends who might tell others (word travels so fast around here; once one person knows, everyone does). I know telling people is part of the whole movement to get rid of the H stigma, and I totally admire all of you who are "out of the closet" in that regard, but I am personally SO not there yet. It's too new, too fresh, and too terrifying.

 

I really really like this guy.. but he's 2 years younger than me (23) and I'm afraid the stigma will completely scare him away. Why be with me when he could be with some other beautiful girl without H? I've seen these fears over and over from others telling their disclosure stories, but it doesn't make it any easier :( Since I ended an awful destructive relationship 5 years ago, I've made it a point to heal and become strong and happy on my own before I get back into a romantic or even just a sexual relationship with anyone. Just within the last year and a half I've realized I'm ready to share myself again and find THAT person to spend the rest of my life with. And then H happened, and now I'm wondering whether it could ever happen for me. It was hard enough before, now it seems impossible.

 

Enough ranting on my part.. but if anyone has any advice for me before tomorrow night, I'd be so grateful. Xo

[abc123]

Ugh. Your story sounds like my story. I wish you the best of luck. It is not easy to tell someone you really care about. I will say a prayer for you tonight that it goes smoothly. Keep your head up. abc123

[nj0501]

Okay... I am by no means the expert in this department but I can tell you I've done SO much reading and researching for so long that I may have a bit of advice for you. Hopefully someone with more experience in 'the talk' will chime in here ;)

What I DO know is that HOW you deliver the news is huge. If you approach it with a negative attitude and shame, for example "I have some upsetting news, and you probably won't want me after this..." then that is how they will take the news. If you bring it up in a more positive light, "I have something to tell you that's very personal but I feel that we are very close and would like you to know this about me..." or something along those lines, it's better. It's hard not to reflect the attitude someone is projecting. So if you explain it as the relatively simple 'skin condition' that it is, they will take it as such. Be ready with facts if they're curious. Don't bury your head in your hands and cry in shame (if possible) and be matter of fact. I know the pamphlet you can download on here has some fantastic tips on disclosure. Let them have space afterwards if they need to think and remember that you are more than just herpes. It's one tiny facet of what makes you, you. And it's a really minor one! There are things you can do to protect your partner and make the risk of transmission ALMOST zero. There's always a risk, of course, but it's probably more likely or about AS likely as the risk of you getting pregnant using protection! Would he run screaming if you warned him you MIGHT get pregnant? Doubtful!!

Best of luck to you, I wish I had more advice, but look at that download on this page for tips on disclosing. It was amazingly helpful for me. Please let us all know how it goes!!!

 

FYI the first man I told I believe I did well, but I did show a lot of shame and embarassment and he was incredibly kind and accepting. He thanked me for telling me and acknowledged how very hard it was for me, the very next morning we met and he said if we were to continue seeing each other he simply asked that I start the once daily valtrex and we always use condoms. It was never brought up again and we had an amazing relationship and wonderful sex and he was relatively young too. A bit younger than me. He was 26. In man world that's pretty young ;) So young men can be just as unaffected as older ones. Be educated, be prepared and be confident!!! Your confidence will shine through!!

[mr_hopp]

Hey cc123!

 

First off, telling someone else you have herpes is not primarily to end the stigma. That is not why you are disclosing. You have it backwards. :) The movement starts with YOU. It starts with you accepting yourself to the degree that you can share something so vulnerable with someone you're about to have sex with. You're about to be sharing your body with him, so sharing your fears and your heart should come with that, too, right? It's a total package. From that self-acceptance branches out to more and more openness around who we are in general. That is the movement.

 

And if you're worried about disclosing to someone who you can't trust to keep their word, then you probably can't trust them to have sex and all the vulnerabilities that go with that, right? Disclosing to someone else is first and foremost only about you and him. That's it. The movement is about YOU being accepting and loving of yourself and sharing with him that self-love and whatever other fears about this that you have. You can even pre-frame everything before the word herpes even comes up! "I have something important to tell you, but I'm afraid you'll go telling everyone else about it. It's really scary for me, but I care about you and I hope that telling you will bring us closer together."

 

I'm assuming you've already read the e-book and handouts, right?

 

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Get educated about all of the things that he could ask and then get clear inside yourself about how you feel about having herpes. Do you love yourself? Do you accept yourself? You can't expect someone else to accept you if you don't accept yourself first. Sometimes that does happen that someone else will accept us even if we won't accept ourselves, but the relationship won't be able to flow with love. Why? Because the person who loves the person who doesn't love themselves won't be received. "You only accept the love you think you deserve." So the first thing is to check in with yourself and your own beliefs and thoughts about you having herpes. Write down all your wonderful qualities. Read through them. Let them sink into your heart. Those qualities are YOU. (And you're not writing these qualities down to tell him all about them, but to remind YOURSELF and own your awesomeness.) Herpes doesn't block him being able to see how wonderful you are unless you let it.

 

Good luck (as if you need it!). Give us an update afterwards. You so got this. ;)

[nj0501]

Agh!! Adrial your perspective, attitude and advice is just beautiful... Had to say that. haha

[mr_hopp]

Thanks nj! I love your perspective, too!

 

By the way, I love the point you made about running away screaming at the risk of getting pregnant. That's a powerful perspective-shifter. Pregnancy is for sure "sexually transmitted." ;)

[cc123]

Thank you @abc123 @nj0501 & @adrial. Your support means so much; I can't say that enough. I see where you guys are coming from with how important is to approach it in the right way but I'm nervous I'm going to start crying... I'm already a somewhat emotional person and H has me bursting into tears at random moments throughout the day, even when I'm just by myself. I hope I can hold it together.

 

I'll do my best. You guys give me strength. Xo

 

 

[mr_hopp]

Don't you see, though, that you crying is actually you being vulnerable? Don't you see that even now you're not accepting yourself as an emotional person? I think it's beautiful that you feel so deeply. There's nothing wrong with tears. You don't have to get to someplace where you are no longer a person who cries when you talk about things that are meaningful to you. If you are going to cry, cry from that vulnerable, self-accepting place, not from a shaming "I shouldn't be crying right now/this is wrong" place. From the outside, it might look like the same tears, but from the inside it's a totally different felt experience. And he will feel that, too. There is no "right" way that it should look beyond you being yourself and accepting whatever comes up. If you trust this man with your vulnerability, then you can trust him in holding you in being yourself.

[cc123]

I wish I could see things the way you do @adrial. You're so strong and so sure. I hope over time that'll come to me. I know this is awful but a part of me DOES feel ashamed. It's getting better every day but it's still there.. & I don't know if the shame comes from making bad choices sex/relationship-wise or if it comes from the H stigma. I think a little of both.

 

And to be honest, regardless of whether I trust this guy or not, I still have to tell him because I may have exposed him to H. That's another thing that's getting to me. I do trust him on certain levels, I know he cares about me and is respectful of me, but we simply haven't been seeing each other long enough to reach that deep down mutual love/trust place. Sigh. This is so hard.

[mr_hopp]

Yes, I forgot your specific story about having already been intimate with this man. That does mean that since you already have been physically intimate that there is also the intimacy that comes with telling someone a hard truth about where we messed up. And that can also bring you closer. Owning up to our mistakes takes guts and integrity. So bring yourself fully to the conversation, whatever that looks like. And maybe he won't forgive you and you can learn that much more about your integrity from this experience. Maybe he will forgive you. And if he does, something tells me that this conversation might be what actually has the relationship reach down to mutual trust. Don't try to plan this out too much. Go in there open to whatever outcome. That is true vulnerability.

[WCSDancer2010]

cc -

 

First, thank you for sharing yourself with us. I know others who are lurking are in exactly your shoes and knowing they are not alone is a HUGE help to many.

 

One thing that immediately occurred to me. Are you sure you exposed HIM to herpes, or could it be the other way around? If you have been with him awhile, it could be either way .... you could have been carrying it for some time and just not known (thanks to our current frickin CDC guidelines that recommend people NOT get tested) .... and conversely HE may have been asymptomatically shedding the HSV1 virus and you got it from him. He could be carrying genitally OR orally (has he ever had a cold sore EVER in his life??) and not know or not made the connection to some past "outbreak", especially with HSV1. Many people get it orally as kids and when they grow up they stop having outbreaks and never think about it again.

 

Anyhow, just a thought - Adrial has beautifully said everything else that I'd say - My thoughts and heart will be with you tonite. Be strong my friend....

 

(((HUGS)))

[cc123]

Thanks @wcsdancer2010.. those exact thoughts have crossed my mind. Going to try and clarify all of that tonight. I'll let you guys know how it goes X_X

[cc123]

ugh guys, having heart palpitations. might have to self medicate with wine to get me through this

[Cam]

You got this!

[peaceandlove]

Stay strong sister, you can do this! Sending love support and good vibes your way. :-bd

[inspired32]

cc123, I just disclosed for the first time to my current boyfriend and it ended well :) You can read my story on another thread, it may help or may not. I feel your anxiety- just remember it is something you are doing because you respect yourself and him so very much. it is all very positive and there is no wrong part about it because you are being honest and truthful and if he doesn't respect that about you then he may not be an honest person himself or want an honest relationship. in this case, herpes helps us weed away others who cannot deal with the very new vulnerable sides to us herpes folks :) I wish you the very best. Just know it is normal to feel extremely emotional you are NOT alone! I cried so hard after i disclosed because it was the "waiting" period. I cried so hard i hyperventilated, had a horrible stomachache, felt nauseous, and a pounding headache. I called my friend and her mom was in town they were staying in a hotel and she told me if i really can't be alone i can come sleep with them in their hotel! I felt awful because that was her moms time with her but I had no one else and no where to go and I couldn't breathe. The next day he accepted me over text and then when we hung out it was the most intimate wed been (emotionally). this is why i want you to feel strong and more excited than anything about what may come of this!! good luck! you are amazing !

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

I been keepin tabs on this thread and been rootin for you. Just came in for a bit to chexk it. I'm waiting to break out my celebratory peach yogurt for u.

[WCSDancer2010]

Putting positive vibes out there for you sweetie!

[cc123]

First off let me just say that you guys are the BEST. Your love & support is what is getting me through all this. Reading your words of encouragement makes me feel so amazing and accepted.

 

So here is the gyst of what happened...

 

Me: I have to tell you something.

Him: uh oh. What?

Me: can you finish your glass of wine first?

Him: takes a gulp of wine.

Me: silence.

Him: :|

Me: blurts out whole story of discovering the blister, going to multiple doctors, waiting for blood tests etc. tell him it's hsv 1, explain the type/how I could've gotten it / etc. (at this point I was so nervous I think I was throwing random facts and stats at him and stuff. what a rookie)

 

Him: silence....... So you're not pregnant?

Me: .....no? what???

Him: Next time start with that!

 

haha soooo long story short he took it fairly well. He said he's never gotten a cold sore in his entire life, even as a little kid, and that he's gotten tested before and really truly thinks he didn't give it to me. I told him he needs to get a blood test because there's a chance I've passed it to him, even though we have always used condoms. He was sorry I had such a miserable last couple of weeks but said he didn't get why I was so distraught about the whole thing. I explained even though the physical symptoms haven't been bad (so far), the psychological ones can be devastating. I could tell he was kind of freaked out about the whole situation but overall he responded well.

 

I do feel a lot better, like a weight has been lifted, but that doubt is slowly creeping in. I'm praying while mulling it over he doesn't decide I'm not worth it and stop talking to me. It would really crush me. I'll keep you guys updated. But no matter what happens, I'm so incredibly grateful for all of you, my new H family. I love you all and thank you again.

 

@inspired.. so happy for you :) thanks for sharing, you made me smile

 

@nj0501.. his pregnancy comment made me think of you and giggle lol

 

@peach I'm def getting some peach yogurt on my grocery trip today. cheers girlfriend

 

@cam, @peaceandlove, @wcs, @abc123, @adrial XOXOXO

[WCSDancer2010]

How awesome is that! So proud of you and so happy for you too. Yes - he may decide to not go forward but IMO that just means that he "wasn't that into you" .... so better to find that out sooner than later anyway.... but it really sounds like things are going in a "positive" direction. ... LOL I BET he was sweating so much about the pregnancy thing that he really WAS relieved....bahahahahah.

 

(((HUGS)))