Just found out...already have questions about disclosing herpes

[clementine]

I'm going to try to give the briefest rundown of my situation so that I can get to my primary question.

 

After being married to the person I still believe to be the love of my life for almost 6 years, we separated in February. Married at 20, he was 23, he was the only person I'd ever been with. I admit we had our issues, as any couple does, but the separation was really his idea. I didn't want him to leave, but he did, and very quickly decided that divorce was what he wanted. I'm just telling this part to give a little back story on the year I have had and how I have found myself on this site.

 

Needless to say, I was devastated. I loved my husband and being married. After a few months of being angry and hurt and lonely I decided to try going on some dates. I wasn't expecting anything serious, I just wanted to know what it was like. Well, a few dates here and there led to sleeping with several of these guys, and though we always used protection, I never discussed anything with any of them, and there was inevitably genital to genital contact. Apparently I'm very trusting...and easy. And now I have herpes.

 

I tested positive from the culture test, negative on the blood test, but the numbers were elevated. I'll be retaking the blood test next week to find out if it's 1 or 2. Lucky me, I was one of the rare people out there that DIDN'T have herpes 1 in my system already.

 

Though I have MANY questions, I need some advice about disclosing. You see, literally 2 days before I started having my first outbreak, I met a guy that I believe really has potential to be something. We talked, laughed, really had a wonderful time. We did end up back at his place, and fooled around, naked, and though we didn't have sex there was some very intimate contact. I'm not suggesting he's the one that gave it to me. That doesn't really matter honestly. A few days later, after I was tested, but before I got official results, we saw each other again. We had an amazing time. I spent the night with him, but we didn't do anything. I just told him I got my period. We kissed, cuddled on the couch watching movies, it was so nice to just be close to someone. Now I know for certain that I have herpes. We are going out again this Friday or Saturday. If it weren't for the herpes, and being worried about what he will think, I wouldn't really have any doubt that there is definite relationship potential. I don't know how to approach telling him. I'm new enough to the dating world as it is, and now I have to deal with this. I want to let him know that I see potential between us, but I don't want to come across as being clingy. I know I have to tell him about my diagnosis. I just don't know what to do.

[Sabrinalexandra]

I would start with reading all the links that you can find on here. These are the ones Adrial first provided to me:

 

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

"Rejection" talk:

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3

 

These are all very helpful. However, you first need to work on your attitude about this. I promise it feels like the end of the world, but it isn't. There will be guys that will ditch out the second they find out, just happened to me last Friday, but EVERYONE here is so supportive and understanding. It will make you realize that it will weed out a lot of jerks and it is a deal breaker for others. Even though my recent disclosure didn't go so well, I learned a ton on how I was presenting this virus. If you are afraid, ashamed, embarassed, or treat it like it is world ending, then it is going to be really hard for someone else to be accepting of it.

 

Here is my story, which is why I put myself down for years about it. I dated a guy for about 9months and guess what I got pregnant and we had an abortion (please hold judgment). Well that was one of the most depressing points in my life. My boyfriend was too busy golfing and playing video games with his friends to hold me and take care of me while I went through one of most physically and mentally painful things ever in my life. I became extremely depressed and had poor self-esteem, I wasn't getting the support I needed from my boyfriend. So, one day my college f*ck buddy calls me up and we meet for drinks and have sex. Which in hindsight he had been "sick" then after we have sex he is like I think I got a blister on my dick, as we both like it a little rough. I didn't think anything of it. Yeah, blister was him having an outbreak, apparently I wasn't the only girl he called while in town.Well I ended up having sex with my boyfriend like a week later (again feeling very worthless and not making good decisions) and was apparently in the early stages of my first outbreak, so now he has it too :( So, here I am cheating on my boyfriend and as low in self-esteem like no other time in my life and not only do I have herpes, but I have already passed it right along!! We broke up and got back together, even though we never should as there were many things broken about that relationship. I stayed in it so long because I felt like I owed him because of what I had done. I also thought that nobody would ever want me and I certainly couldn't tell them the story of how I got it.

 

5 long horrible years later (thank GOD he never asked me to marry him because I probably would have) and I am single and loving it! I have more positively received disclosures than negatively received ones. The negative ones SUCK, but it just means it wasn't meant to be. You will not be alone the rest of your life. Take care of yourself and most of all love yourself! Plus, you can always come here for support!

[WCSDancer2010]

clementine :

 

Welcome! Glad you found us! You have found the perfect place to answer your questions, where you can rant, cry, or celebrate as you go through your journey....

 

Sabrina gave you all the right links to start with - the disclosure handout is a great thing to have with you when you talk to your BF... do all you can to understand the risks and such - and just be up front - tell him you thought you had done all the right things (using condoms, etc), you just got diagnosed and you are still coming to understand it... that he as a:

 

4% chance of getting it normally -

2% if you go on antivirals(same chance as dying in a car accident), and

1% if you also use a condom (same risk as the possibility of getting pregnant on Birth Control)

 

AND that 80% of the population has Herpes and 80% don't know they have it...ie: he has likely been with plenty of women who at least have HSV1 and likely didn't know it. YOU now know it, you can take the anti-virals, and you will learn your prodrome (pre-breakout) symptoms and do everything you can to keep him from getting it. I tell guys I feel they are safer with me because I KNOW I have it and I can manage it.

 

Also, I'd highly recommend that he checks to see if he has been tested for Herpes already ... most people *think* they have been tested and in fact they have not because it's not normally in the SDT tests unless you specifically ASK for it. He could well be carrying it and not know it anyway....

 

If he is concerned, just say this might be a great chance for you to slow down the physical side while you get to know each other better. Besides the handouts you can direct him to this site too. Or have him talk to his doctor. My last BF totally freaked out when I told him...and it was his Dr that helped him really understand that H is not the big horrid thing people make it out to be.

 

Good luck...and keep us posted...

 

(((HUGS)))

[mr_hopp]

Hey clementine!

 

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! Woohoo! ;) It's so awesome to feel those tender butterflies of a budding romance, isn't it? Sometimes we forget to actually soak that up when first falling for someone. Don't let your imagination of the herpes talk in the future take you away from experiencing those beautiful waves of falling for him now. Enjoy it. And that's an order. ;)

 

First world problem: "I'm falling for this guy who is definitely relationship potential, but I have this skin condition to tell him about." :) Now, this isn't me minimizing your feelings and fears here, but just putting this into a more manageable perspective for you. It is important to keep him safe and to tell him because the stigma wall is very real in our culture (which is the same stigma wall we are breaking down brick by brick by disclosing the Herpes Opportunity way). :)

 

Just get knowledgeable about herpes by reading the handouts linked to above (thanks Sabrina!) and read the e-book on the Herpes Opportunity disclosure. Let yourself enjoy your time together without pressuring yourself to be intimate enough to put him at risk before disclosing to him. Taking things slow is certainly okay, and possibly even preferred in our culture of hooking up on the 2nd date. What ever happened to soaking it up and enjoying the process of getting to know someone? :)

[childofstars]

My personal rules for sexual contact and dating is wait 3 months. If he can wait 3 months to have sex then hes serious. But do not have anymore sexual cintact until he knows. You dont wanna fool around and have something go wrong. My boyfriend and i made out and rubbed genitals together with clothes on and when i told him i had herpes he was furious. IF YOU DO ANY CONTACT WITHOUT HIM KNOWING YOU HAVE HERPES FROM HERE ON OUT HE WILL NOT TRUST YOU. Wait, theres never anything wrong with waiting. Figure out if you want to be with him or not until then never do anything sexual witj someone who doesnt know you have herpes.

[OnTheBrightSide]

Hi there Clementine,

 

I have to say that for a person who's so recently diagnosed, you have a terrific clarity about things. I don't get the sense that you're distraught but more so confused. It's tough when you have your first disclosure and your diagnosis so closely together.

 

The hard part of disclosing before you've had a chance to process is that you don't really know enough yet to feel confident about what to say, how to say it, and how to respond to his questions or other reactions.

 

I recently had my first disclosure and while I was armed with facts, the thing that helped me the most, and helped him to be most receptive to the information is that I broke it down into 3 basic components. 1. I like you and I'm looking forward to being intimate with you and that's why I want to tell you something personal. 2. I don't know how much you know about H and what your feelings are, but I hope you'll take your cues from me, because I'm calm and collected because I have all the facts, and I'm confident that you'll be calm and collected once I tell you about those facts. And finally 3., I'm not telling you this because I'm ashamed. I'm telling you because I fundamentally respect your right to choose. And even if you aren't comfortable then you're going to walk away thinking "that was one honorable chick...man that must have been hard to tell me". (And if you walk away then you probably didn't see a future with me anyway so better to know now)

 

Now, it sounds like you really like his guy. So if you choose to tell him sooner rather than later, it's all about framing. You respect him and you hold his safety and feelings as more important than your desire to get naked, so you're risking rejection because you respect his right to choose. No one gave you a choice so it's honorable that you should give him one.

 

That being said, disclosing early is the same as telling someone anything intense in the first budding weeks of a relationship. Would you sit him down and tell him that you have a bipolar mother who lives with you? Probably would ease him into that one...

 

So consider waiting a bit longer for vaginal intimacy. Lots of women are worried that they won't be able to keep a guy's attention if they don't put out on the first date. False. Why would you want to be with a guy like that anyway? Also, Dancer is completely right, ask that he be tested with full blood work. Just because you are positive on H doesn't mean you should stop asking partner for testing! What if he caught HIV from someone 6 months ago and has no idea?

 

You can use that time to get more prepared. Plus...lots of oral stuff you can do in the meantime...

 

Let us know what you decide!

x

 

[WCSDancer2010]

*Clapping loudly over here*

 

Very well said!!!! Love your attitude to the disclosure talk!!

[clementine]

Thank you for all the support! I'm so glad I found this site. I actually saw the guy tonight. We are still having our actual date night on Friday, but he text me this morning asking if I wanted to just hang out tonight. So he came to my house and we just watched TV and talked. We started fooling around a little and I just told him I was still on my period. I wasn't even expecting to see him so I was DEFINITELY not ready to disclose.

 

I have been through so much this year. I mean, this time last year, I was happily married enjoying the Christmas season with my husband. Maybe this helps to give me some clarity. Finding out that my husband no longer wanted to be married to me was so much more devastating than finding out I have herpes. I do tend to be very level headed and self aware, but I am very confused. A mere 2 weeks ago I was dating casually, just trying to figure out what I want, not worrying if anything was serious or not. Yes, I do like this guy, but I feel like having H is forcing me to make a decision one way or another.

 

And on top of all of this, my husband (who has not officially filed for divorce) has been telling me he still loves me and doesn't think he'll ever get over me. I still love him and miss him. We are on good terms and talk often. I even believe one day we will end up back together. I felt though like I had time to experience dating because I never have before. I feel like there's never going to be any middle ground anymore with anyone I might meet. That's what I'm confused about more than anything. Dating alone is still such a new thing to me, I only had a couple of months to even enjoy it, and now herpes is just making it so much more complicated.

 

 

[clementine]

Oh, and there's the terrifying thought of having to disclose to my HUSBAND one day, that I contracted H in our time apart, should we ever end up back together. And call me crazy, but I feel like anything is possible with us.

[WCSDancer2010]

Dating alone is still such a new thing to me, I only had a couple of months to even enjoy it,

 

I think a LOT of the people who get herpes have been married/in a relationship for quite awhile, and when we come out of it we have no freaking clue about the "rules". One thing I know, the rules changed a LOT in the 20 years I had been married and they even changed after I had a 3 yr relationship (that was when I learned HSV1 could go down south...man did THAT put me back a bit in my mindset over H :p )

 

You know clementine - HE chose to leave. Perhaps if you are right and he really does love you and has started to have second thoughts, H will be the defining thing that lets you know if he is genuine or just feeling lonely or scared to be single again.

 

(((HUGS)))

[OnTheBrightSide]

Solid point Dancer! One of the things I really appreciate about H is that it let's me have a real acid test with a partner and it doesn't let me compromise (as sooooooo many women do) on my non-negotiables. He has non-negotiable, H might be one of them. But if he gets to have them, then SO DO I!

 

@Clementine

What I found most interesting about reading your post is:

"this time last year, I was happily married enjoying the Christmas season with my husband."

 

Whoa! You've barely been single a minute! Maybe what the H is signaling to you is that you should take some time to get to know yourself. It's funny because if you were a man, I would bet that you'd be single and focusing on your career right now. Men have this fantastic ability to be single-minded and compartmentalize their lives, while women try to have everything and often end with nothing...at least nothing worthwhile. We feel like if we're not CONSTANTLY looking for a man, we'll miss the perfect one. FALSE!

 

Bear with me, and please know I mean no insult, but maybe the divorce (considering you got married young) is the universe's way of giving you a chance to grow and get to know yourself as a single entity rather than as a part of a whole. Maybe the H was another signal (albeit a rough one) of the universe trying to tell you, hey, you just got a divorce...now you're dating again?..come on...off the horse...one way or another...I told you last year you needed some "Clementine-time", you didn't listen so....herpes!

 

I know this might all seem rather...hippie-like. But just to give you a small taste. I think H is one the best things that's every happened to me. Crazy right??

 

But I've had trouble relationships my whole life. I just hit 30, am fantastic on paper, look the best I ever have in my life, started getting all kinds of attention from the kinds of men women go all cow-eyed for...then BOOM...herpes.

 

Now I could look at it and say..really universe? not going to let me catch a break on this one? dirty 30 and all that?

 

And then I realized...I was about to unleash myself onto the dating scene...a hot 30 year old body (I have like 50 abs)...with a 12 year old's ability to negotiate with men and understand my self-worth.

 

Thanks to H, I will not waste my 30's with one unfulfilling bang after another. I get to focus on learning about me..and...low and behold..a man comes into my life who's helping me grow into myself. And it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't opened myself up to the vulnerability of everything that comes with H, and taken the time to process that without the influence of others.

 

You're confused because you haven't given yourself time to think it through. There's too many people pulling at you to make a decision you're simply not ready to make. One gal to another, fight the urge to go back to comfortable. He left for a reason and he has to work his A$$ off to get back into your good graces. You're not the kind of girl that a man can be wishy washy with...what if he does this again...and you have kids! It sounds like he didn't even try to work through it.

 

And this new guy, sweetheart there will always be a new guy. The scariest thing in the world is standing on your own two feet and being a reflection of only yourself.

 

H puts up a mirror and says...I dare not to passionately fall in love with what you see.

 

Go fall in love with yourself Clementine!

 

Sending you my admiration at your calmness and lovely presence.

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@OnTheBrightSide H puts up a mirror and says...I dare not to passionately fall in love with what you see.

 

OMG ... LOVE IT!

 

And BTW, I LOVE your profile pic!!! Brilliant!

[clementine]

the situation between me and my husband is extremely complicated. much more than could be conveyed through a few posts here. for the record, there will be no children, i'm adamantly against having kids....ever! i'm very independent, i take care of myself, i have my own life, i'm working on my degree, and moving away, i have goals. i'm not saying i'm completely self actualized or anything, but i have a pretty good head on my shoulders, and a lot going for me. i know this. i'm happy with who i am. but at the end of the day, sometimes i just want someone there with me. i miss that.

 

i realize i seem to be having more relationship problems than herpes problems. it still doesn't seem real, that this actually happened to me.

 

i am restarting taking yoga classes next week, and i started drawing again....anything that i can have that's just for me will help, i know.

[OnTheBrightSide]

Clementine,

 

Rock on! It sounds like you're on solid ground. (Probably why you sound so composed.) :) I understand about wanting someone around and about it not seeming real. Time help with both of those. Let us know how your disclosure goes, if you decided to go there.

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

i realize i seem to be having more relationship problems than herpes problems. it still doesn't seem real, that this actually happened to me.

 

What a great realization! Go YOU Clementine :)

[clementine]

my disclosure didn't go so well. he was just really quiet, hardly said anything, and i didn't want to sound like i was rambling. i felt so embarrassed, and after a few minutes of kind of awkward silence, i just said i better go. we were at his place, after going out to dinner and a movie and having a nice time. he said i could stay, but i felt like he was just saying that to be nice. he said he'd talk to me later, not sure if i actually will...but i guess we'll see.

 

i definitely don't know enough yet to talk about this with someone i just met.

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

If you're anything like me i can imagine you got super nervous and every statistic we've been learning about on here went out of your head. I used to do it with tests too just kinda blank out lol. I probably have no business giving u advice about this cuz i havnt been in a good enough place to date and disclose yet since getting it but i remember when i would like really strike out with really cute guys and all my witty luttle wisecracks would just fly out ghe window. but I've kinda figured out guys are like softball. you may strike out a bunch of times at first but eventually you gonna hit a homerun. Just gotta keep steppin up to the bat. I'm kinda a nerd in some ways. i learned real quick if i was nervous and had to use my asthma inhaler just go to the bathroom and use it cuz who wants to start dating the female version of freakin mikey from the goonies haha? Plus I'm no raving beauty so I've struck out a lot with those cuties lol.Yeah when we strike out it sucks. but the more we strike out the more we perfect what we've been doing wrong if that makes sense. And hey don't get down you may not have struck out with thus dude. He may just need some time to think about it. id give him the links to the liklihood of transmission from this site though so he had the opportunity to get educated about it. Sending love ypur way clementine and hoping it don't keep you down.

[WCSDancer2010]

@clementine...

 

First, I applaud you for taking that first disclosure talk. Remember that with anything, the first time is the most difficult. And to be honest, given your feelings about your ex-hubby, you didn't pick the easiest person to practice on... ;)

 

And Peachy is right, you gotta get out there and strike out a LOT to get the Home Run in any situation in life. Or as Michael Jordan said:

 

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.

 

You just took your first step out on the court ... the play didn't go as planned. But you got out there and TRIED. AND.... you never know, you might just get another chance, another shot with him. And if not, then what you learned in this first conversation will help you the next time you step on the court and disclose to the next person. One day you will get the slam dunk..... trust the process ... :)

 

(((BIG HUGS)))

 

[clementine]

thanks guys :)