Things i have come to realize in this community

[Strawberrygirl]

Now i feel more calm about herpes and all.

I have talked to 4 gynecologists and all of them told me it is impossible to spread when you have no symptoms (one of them said it is very rare viral shedding coz i brought it up).

I have been adviced by 8 people not to disclose, have a normal life, always use condom and maybe spermicide too without having to disclose to a partner until much later (maybe after being together for 2-3 years). Two of those people were doctors and also my psychologist agrees.

 

I do not think i am irresponsible as long as im careful and safe which i will be. And trust me im a compassionate person.

What i disagree with everything that is being said here:

 

You MUST disclose, give a choice to your partner yara yara yara.

 

What i really feel is behind these lines, you are pretty much stucked with an STD for the rest of your life that obviously no one wants. SO tell every future partner so he can run away and ensure this STD stops spreading.

 

Great, i truly feel like im in some sort of underclass/underhuman category right now. Because you all say how herpes is no big deal...well BULLSHIT. If its no big deal then why is it my obligation to disclose.

Disclosure wont lower the risks you people...

 

 

Im here just to say that i will go on with a normal happy life. I feel healthy. Didnt get an outbreak again. I eat super healthy (no sugar, just veggies and fruits) I take vitamins everyday.

 

I am not emotionally strong enough to disclose at any point in my life. Maybe after 2-3 years together sure might disclose. Sure, the guy may hate me, but if he truly loves me it shouldnt matter.

 

I intend to go on valtrex and condoms.

 

Dont you realize that only about 20 % of people who have hsv are symptomatic and therefore are the only ones who know they have it and who may choose to disclose?

 

 

The guy who gave me this, denied everything. Pretended he got tested and was negative. He now has a gf, and will most likely trasmit it to her coz im sure he wont use condoms.

 

You all have no idea how close ive been to suicide, my entire family was very worried.

They all approve my mature and responsible decision not to disclose until years later in a relationship as long as im safe.

 

I know i wont spread it, ill make sure of that. But i deserve a normal happy life too. Otherwise i might just go jump from a cliff.

 

 

I realize how harsh you all are on those who had sex without disclosing. Well let me announce to you all, that ill be one of those. The social stigma is way too strong.

 

Irony of life: today a guy friend told me how worried he is at the fact that his gf had unprotected sex with her ex before and how she lied about this info at the beginning of their relationship. He is big time Germophobe in general. He was telling me all of this. And honestly all i could think of was "why do i even bother living?".

 

 

I admire you all for doing what you do. Lets face it, hsv is pretty much just a skin condition.

I cant face rejection. Never will. So many men out there, dont give a fuck about their hsv and never disclose.

 

Why US women need to be so fucking caring towards others. I know what you'll say "if you really love someone bla bla and care about them you wont expose them to this risk without them knowing". FUCKING GREAT! :D coz u know what im 100 % sure is that, 4-5 months of relationship aint enough for a guy to fall in love with me. In fact they may never fall in love with me EVER, so HSV lowers this even more. In case you're wondering, YES i have self-esteem issues even before this hsv.

 

So yes Herrytheherp, victoria, WCSdancer. Please i beg u come tell me how much of a monster i am for the decision ive chosen. ;)

 

I wont change my mind ever. Im just here to say to all those hsv carriers out there, that you are NOT a monster for not disclosing as long as you take precautions.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

I am glad I read this. I have felt this way many times since my diagnosis. Had many arguments with girlfriends telling me HPV is different so they dont have to disclose, etc etc etc. I have been told by many people "you must disclose" but I have also had many on the other side "You don't have to until you are ready." I have been struggling with this battle in my heart for a long time on what to do, and it was cool to read someone who basically has put every thought I have ever had down into words when it comes to disclosing.

 

I don't know what I will do...when the time comes. Right now I am just trying to be alone and grow from all of this. But I can't say I haven't ever felt the way you do because to be honest, I flip flop with yes you need to or no you don't discussion in my mind EVERY DAY. You are brave to post this. I understand where you are coming from. I truly do.

 

I don't know what I will do when I am in that situation, things get too hot and I don't know what to do. I honestly don't know what I would do. I know I wouldn't want it done to me, but I can't stand the thought of a man leaving me for this. I can't handle that emotionally on top of everything else. Hence why I am single right now.

 

I want to think that I would disclose and be straightforward. But to be honest, you don't know until the situation happens. And I haven't had a true I am dating this person and I want to do it, so how do I tell him this experience yet. I just want you to know you aren't alone in these feelings, not saying anyone is right or wrong. It is your decision to make, just as it is mine and anyone elses. I just want you to know you aren't alone in thinking like this. I do it everyday. I just hope I can manage to disclose because I don't want to hurt someone. That is my biggest issue...I wouldn't want to do this to someone else. That is what I can't get past. That is my struggle.

[Strawberrygirl]

as long as you ALWAYS use condoms and take valtrex. Dont worry. Your transmission chances are basically NULL. ive read so many have had sex unprotected without taking valtrex for years...and their partner never got it. So if on top of that you are actually extra careful,no worries no need to tell. That is MY opinion. I dont believe this makes me a monster. I feel good about this decision.

[JustSmile]

Dont take this as a bash or an attack b/c i am asking these questions in a serious manner as someone who was not told. Just trying to see the other side of the playground here and understand your thoughts..

 

So you dont care if you give someone else herpes? b/c although condoms and valtrex LOWER the percentage it doesnt take it away completely. If it never happens.. thats super awesome and that is possible

 

but if that 1% chance (everytime you have sex) gets to your partner within the first few months... what is your plan of action when they have their OB?

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

You aren't a monster. Not in my eyes. You are a human. I just relate to this alot. It is a struggle I have been having myself. Luckily, I have managed to stay away from men the best I can since my diagnosis (except for 1) and the guy who gave it to me leaving me. That is part of my biggest problem is I don't want to have to tell a man so I rather just not date and be alone and be one of those career women who become some huge accountant (my degree is a BS in Accounting). But my heart longs for the other things I want out of life and don't want those things to never happen to me because of this. Fear is what it is for me, of the future. I relate, and I just want you to know I have the same thoughts.

[Strawberrygirl]

im completely optimistic about valtrex and condoms.

So im sure i wont give it.

But in that case, ill pretend i was asymptomatic and that i never experienced an OB.

which could have been completely the case...but at least i know and i can avoid the transmission.

[Strawberrygirl]

Justsmile...i see what you're doing there. of course i would care if i passed it on. But i know that wont happen

[Strawberrygirl]

btw Justsmile...the fact that im gonna take so many precautions PROVES I FUCKING CARE. ok? otherwise i wouldnt even bother to use any sort of protection. so stop with your judgmental questions..coz i know where you're going

[JustSmile]

Well Im glad you have it all figured out :-)

[JustSmile]

woah woah woah now. pipe down lady.

 

I was just ASKING you a question. I wasnt being judgement. Just wondering how you would handle it IF you ended up passing it on to someone you were sleeping with.

 

Youre the only one being judgemental here.

[Strawberrygirl]

and thisisgoingtobeokay, yes do focus on your hobbies, career. I encourage you to pursue your dreams and i know you will be very successful. Dont let this tiny thing destroy your love life. Get to know men very well, dont rush into a relationship. Make sure he is genuinely a nice, loving caring guy. Not because of the h, you deserve someone wonderful. Ive had 2 idiotic bfs in the past who didnt treat me well, wont ever let that happen again. Im super picky now.

When you start a relationship, dont have sex until you are sure you both are right for each other and make him wait for sex. That wait you'll know if he loves u for real or likes you enough to bother waiting. Once you start your sex life, carry valtrex pills separately in a small bag so he wnt see the brand. Take it twice a day, eat healthy, and use condoms.

[whatsallthehubbub]

I spent many years not disclosing,believing just what you two believe. I wont spread this,its my problem, i can control it.. and as long ad there is a 0% chance of me transmitting this.. it really is just my problem.. then i found out about viral shedding.. at it became a numbers game.. the number was no longer 0. It was at best going to be 2%. Still very low.. but not zero. So i understand putting those odds up against the huge odds of rejection.. and when the number changed so did the conversation. It becomes less about the odds and more about the truth.. do i love this person.. yes i do.. then anything other than zero is unacceptable. I disclosed .. and i got the happy ending... but here is the absolute truth.. if you love them.. your secret will become heavier and heavier as time goes by: that burden will eat you alive... with worry of transmission and discovery of your status. If that happens and no doctor can say it will not.. you will have only made your problem so much bigger than it needed to be. They will leave,not so much over herpes but over the lie and cover up. I disclosed.. and i have a connection with her i thought only existed in fairy tales... not disclosing will prove to be the harder choice in the end.. this i can swear to..with 14 years of denial. Good luck.. (((hugs))

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Only the future will tell what happens for me and my love life. I am just cool laying low right now. Figuring me out, thank you for the advice. Strawberry, let everyone post and see what they say. You are going to get some tough love on this discussion, there is no doubt, but I don't want it deleted because of arguing because I want to see what everyone says. I haven't been brave enough to post something like this, so I am interested in all answers from everyone. If you are at peace with this, what others post shouldn't get you angry. Just let it ride out, I NEED (yes, need) to see this discussion play out.

 

Everyone just please play nice when you post on this. There are some of us, who really want to get perspectives on this and see what everyone says. Stories of not telling, having sex, then later telling would help me personally.

[JustSmile]

Last thing ill say here. Since you dont want to hear my thoughts anyway... if I was with someone for years.. loved them shared a life with them only to find out they were lying to me. I'd leave. Herpes or not. A lie is a lie. Its a moral battle.

That would hurt more then rejection of the first few months of knowing a person but

Clearly your mind is made up and I wish you the best.

[Strawberrygirl]

whatsallthehubbub, im genuinely happy for you :)

no worries, my secret wont be heavy. im confident my precautions wont transmit anything. And hey...if i do transmit besides the drug and condom...i might post all about it years later ;)

 

Im so SURE many TONS MILLIONS of people with HSV think just like me.have normal lives without disclosing, never spread thanks to the drug...or may even reveal years later and guess what they are still loved. Ive read quite a few stories of ppl who only disclosed 9 years AFTER being married, guess what..ended well, still loved. Rather have that ending than trying after a few months "hey, guess what. i have herpes. BOO! RUN AWAY! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" LOL obv in my case i would reveal before getting married. or who knows maybe by then there will be a vaccine or a cure... ;)

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

@justsmile, I am not starting an argument, just want to throw it back the other way, so conversation, healthy conversation continues. As I said, I always hope that I will disclose when that time comes, but I have a question...just to ponder.

 

The guy you are with, you and him both have it from my understanding? And you two have chosen to stick together and be with each other. You got lucky. Many of us got left. Like myself. And the guy who gave it to me will not speak to me or check on me, ask me if I am okay. Nada, nothing, zilch. My question is...what if you got left and were dealing with this all alone, how would you feel? How do you know if you could disclose to someone? It is hard to say what you would do if you haven't walked that side of herpes. It is a hard ass road and the absolute most terrifying thing I have faced in my life. Falling in love with a man and him leaving me when I tell him my secret.

 

Please don't think I am attacking, I just want to throw out perspectives. I am not in anyway trying to attack or make anyone angry. I just want perspectives to be seen.

[Strawberrygirl]

really? so u think ur partner wouldnt be able to understand the shame, embarrassment that you carried and be comprehensive that you were very caring and careful as you took all precautions possible? I think a lie like that can be completely understood, and no i dont think a guy would run away coz i lied about something like that (especially knowing that i actually cared about his health through the drug and condoms).

[HerryTheHerp]

Well, it sounds like you've done some research. It's unfortunate that you've found the wrong answers. Now, keep in mind, you've dared me to come in and comment, so I've polished the boots up for a swift butt kicking. Read it all the way through, please. I promise I give you the courtesy of a reach around by the time I'm done.

 

Your gynecologists are wrong. They're very wrong and the snake oil they're selling you is very dangerous. It's one of the reasons this virus has infected 60 million Americans, and 540 million around the world. Viral shedding occurs between 5% and 20% of the year, more so during the first year of infection. Those are scientific facts that have been studied and reviewed. Here's a link to the findings of a fairly recent study:

 

http://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/news/20110412/genital-herpes-silent-spread

 

I used a condom. I took a shower. I contracted herpes. My partner didn't tell me she had it, even though she knew. She might have given me HIV, too. Don't know yet. But, I'll tell you this, using a condom with HSV2 is about as effective as a cheese cloth and comes with an estimated 4% risk of transfer. I can tell you this, it's going to be a very, very long time before I forgive her, or myself.

 

So, you're going to go on suppressives. That's great. You're going to use condoms? Great, too. Still only lowers the risk to about 2% with perfect usage. That's a fairly big risk to be gambling someone else's life and emotions with. You don't have that right. The only right you have is to give them a choice, and as with all things in life, sometimes they'll choose to say no, and that's their right that you should never take away from them. Remember, love doesn't take rights away, it gives rights.

 

So, you think it's bad to give your partners a choice? You'd rather avoid rejection and deal with the consequences of not telling them? Alright, that's a choice, but let me outline this for you in very simple to understand terminology: That's a crime. Yes, that's right. It's a crime. If you don't want to disclose because you're afraid of rejection, then be ready to put on an orange jumpsuit and give up your rights or be broke for the rest of your life. Go ahead, here's a link where you can look up your state's rules on the subject. Some limit that crime to HIV, while others are very, very broad in their definitions. Then call Robin Williams, Derek Jeter, and Michael Vick up and ask what happens and how much you can get sued for when you know and don't disclose the fact that you have herpes.

 

http://www.criminaldefenselawyer.com/resources/transmitting-std-criminal-laws-penalties.htm

 

Now, go look in the mirror. You're not the person who wrote this. The virus wrote this rant. The stigma wrote this. The pain and the hurt wrote this. The fear wrote this.

 

The woman looking back at you in the mirror right now isn't that person but you've let the virus take control of the woman you are and can be. Look in her eyes. She's begging you. She's pleading with you. She's telling you she loves you and that you can't do the things you say you are going to. She's telling you that she loves you so much and that she wants to help you. That's why she let the fear, stigma, and virus write this, because she knows that if she doesn't reach out for help, she isn't strong enough to take back control of her life.

 

We can all read in your words just how deeply you're hurting. You need to get in and see a professional counselor. We'll be your virtual back-up, but you've got to get in and see someone face to face and have a physical shoulder to cry on that you can see and touch. You need to build your support network up so strong so that you get the tough love, the gentle support, and the courage and guidance to do like we all do and just put one foot forward at a time, one day at a time, one choice at a time.

 

 

 

[Strawberrygirl]

Life is a spiritual journey. H is not sth im willing to share in any way.

If disclosure is a life lesson im supposed to learn in this lifetime, sorry god cant deal with this. If not disclosing (despite all precautions) is still bad karma for my next lives.then be it.

 

I talk and pray to god so that luck will be by my side and wont give it to anyone.

[Klopz]

@strawberrygirl i can see where you are coming from, but i have found a man who is negative and is still sticking with me. Not only do i have H but im a single mother. I disclosed to him on my first OB and he went to the doctor with me, and hasnt run for the hills. My biggest worry when i saw the bumps was "I know hes going to want to have sex tonight and if this is what i think i DONT want him to get it" that night i disclosed. I knew there was a HUGE chance of him leaving, but because i cared about him i was willing to take the chance. He has chosen to stick around not only because i believe he cares for me, but also because i have shown him exactly everything you have just said. i have showed him all the facts also ive shown him nothing about me has changed. Its pretty much everything you have said only including disclosure. Anywhoo Im not trying to start a fight and i completely understand where youre coming from. Just want you to know they wont all run.

[Strawberrygirl]

Well herrytheherp, guess what. If you pretend you are asymptomatic, you cant be sued.

That 2 % risk is incredibly low. Btw society has proved me that we ALL are selfish. Love is selfish, except true spiritual love (which very very few people experience).

NOBODY OR ANYTHING has the right to remove my possibilities for happiness and for love. Why do i have to be so caring for other's interests instead of mine?

 

Guess what ive met way too many guys in my life, 90 % are selfish bastard jerks.

Life is a bitch and then you die.

Ill try to have a healthy decent love life from now on, and be careful.

[JustSmile]

@strawberry.. I'm just sayimg how I'd react. I'd consider it as a lie. But you may find someone understanding. I hope that for you.

 

@thisisgoingtobeok..I know you are not attacking and if you have any other questions you can feel free to PM me. we are together still and I do know how lucky I am but I was mentally prepared for him to leaveand I knew at that point if he left left and I ever want to be with someone again I would have to tell them.I am very big on do to others as you would have them do to you and I know I would have wanted someone to tell me ..but the day I found out I did have to tell my boyfriend someone I already love and took the risk of him leaving instead of me keeping it to myself. . It was difficult and I cried for a long time trying to muster up the courage so I do kind of understandthe difficulty of having to tell ..I am truly very sorry that the guy you were with wouldn't accept it.

 

I just know I wouldn't take the 2 percent chance of passing it on every time someone without giving them the choice right owrong or indifferent that is my opinion

[Strawberrygirl]

Im selfish enough to not disclose in order to have a normal happy life. Doesnt make me a monster.

 

A monster is someone who knowginly spreads their STD so others suffer.

[Strawberrygirl]

Whatever you all tell me, will not change my mind.

To all hsv carriers, who may feel suicidal over this or may have been rejected multiple times. ITS OKAY. Move on. Have a normal life. Dnt tell if u dnt want to, just take those precautions.

 

I give you love and hugs. I wish you all the best. Please do NOT let this ruin your love life.

[HerryTheHerp]

Can't be sued, huh? You don't think that Valtrex prescription is logged and recorded? A simple subpoena is all it would take to end your little charade.

 

Yeah, I thought 4% was low. Love is selfish? Let me tell you something. Just after my little fling gave me this lifelong gift, I met an amazing woman. I'm 36 years old, and I'd been looking for her all my life. Fell head over heels. I disclosed because I cared about her. She won't return my emails or calls. I lost an amazing woman because someone took my right to choose away. I cried myself to sleep for weeks over that. I lost out on what could have been an amazing relationship because someone else thought love is selfish.

 

Love is not selfish. Love is giving. Love is healing. Love is sharing. Love is caring. Love is honesty. Love is integrity. Love is joyous. Love is risky. Love is powerful. Love always, always, always puts your partner above yourself. Love yourself by loving your partner even more and you'll discover just how strong a bond love can create.

 

What you're talking about isn't love, it's lust, and as a spiritual person, I don't need to remind you about the 7 deadly's.

 

You've let the men in your life make you bitter and angry. I don't like those kinds of men. Those are the kind of men who aren't men. They're boys. Men don't do those things to women. A real man respects a woman and brings out the best qualities in her. I'm sorry they hurt you.