New to genital herpes/ghsv-1. Introduction/rant/vent

[cacciato_]

First and foremost, hello everyone. Please bear with me on my first post. I'm generally not a very organized person and this new turn of events has my thoughts even more jumbled up than usual.

 

(on a total tangent, I had to look up whether to use bear or bare for "bear with me". in case you were curious, it's apparently bear. see, you might have learned something already!)

 

So, rewind about four weeks ago (insert movie flashback visual and sound effects). I returned from a fairly long year deployment to Afghanistan. Things went about as well as a deployment can. Had some tough days, but I was coming home in one piece. Like most good single soldiers, I had two things on my mind when I returned home: alcohol and women. I quickly found both. I found a nice young lady in the local area and we had protected sex twice. About three days after this encounter I noticed a few red bumps on the nether region. Spoke to the girl again and she assured me she had no symptoms and had recently had a STD test. Little did either of us know that HSV-1 could cause genital outbreaks.

 

Bumps didn't hurt, but wouldn't go away either. Went to Planned Parenthood and was none too happy to get swabbed. About a week later I learned that I did indeed have genital HSV-1. At this point I was more confused than anything. Based on my research (I feel like I should be awarded a genital herpes Ph.D), I learned that ghsv-1 is almost always transmitted through oral sex. Well, I didn't receive oral sex, but still got it. However, I did date a girl about three years ago who would get "cold sores" about twice a year. Theoretically, I guess the virus could have been dormant from her, but honestly it doesn't really matter who gave it to me. The glaring fact still stands that I have genital herpes. Still hard for me to even type that, but it is what it is.

 

So, I've gone through (and am still going through) the range of emotions. Anger, shame, despair, loneliness... Loneliness is probably the hardest. I went from an environment of being with "my guys" for a year. Living in a wood hut (a wooden fort is what we affectionately called it) with seven other soldiers who I trusted my life with. Like family, we didn't always get along, but they truly were brothers to me. Returning to living alone was not an easy transition. That, coupled with this annoying, excuse my language, really fucking annoying skin condition has made life pretty tough. I know it's still early in the process, but it has caused me quite a bit of mental anguish. I have spoken to Adrial about the shame aspect. At this point, it's hard not to feel shame because I blame myself for being an idiot.

 

I guess I just have the same concern that every person here does: who will ever want me again? Granted, I think that's a totally human emotion, but this infection has made life hard. I know it's not who I am, but that has been a struggle. I am fairly lucky to have ghsv-1 from the reading I have done, but I am terrified to reveal this to someone. I know I'm preaching to the choir, but the idea of telling a woman that, "I have genital herpes" is a scary one. The stigma surrounding the infection is pretty strong. Hell, I have the same exact virus that causes cold sores. Actually, my site of infection supposedly makes the symptoms less intense and the shedding less frequent. However, we all know how bad GENITAL HERPES sounds.

 

Oh well, I am just trying to put everything in perspective. Compared to the things I saw in the 'Stan, this infection is just not a big deal. I really like the vibe on this site and just wanted to introduce myself.

[Kath_R]

Ah, we're in the same boat, I'm at around 4 weeks too. Unfortunately, this doesn't give me much of a better perspective. But you know, I have more good days than not I'd say. It seems like most people on this site go for conventional dating, but I've been trying online dating on another herpes site. It's actually going pretty well. Even if it doesn't lead to a relationship, it lets you talk to other people in the same boat, reminds you that you aren't alone. Maybe you could try that?

[dhpink]

Hey cacciato. I completely understand the shame and "who would want me now" part. I also have genital HSV1 and its been just about 4 weeks for me as well... it does get easier.. even over the past few weeks. things slowly start going back to normal after your first break out... however now i think I might be facing my second breakout... that's the part that annoys me now.. its a guessing game from here for the next 1-2 years...

 

Its kinda funny and somehow oddly comforting that all 3 of us have been diagnosed about 4 weeks ago.... and i also recently broke up out of a 4 year relationship.. about 2-3 months ago.. so in terms of the loneliness on both this front and just being alone for the first time in a while i also hear you. you're not alone. xo

[GreenEyes727]

Hang in there guys and stick around here. Adrial is awesome! You will find that you don't have to be alone. I just met a guy from another website and he just dates girls with herpes. It doesn't seem like he has trouble getting a date. I wish I could go to the retreat at the end of this month but I don't think it's feasible as I'm not working. You guys should go if you can. I'm sure there's lots to learn.

[mr_hopp]

Hey cacciato! I saw you signed up for the seminar. Awesome. Looking forward to meeting you in person, bro.

 

And I hear you about the really fucking annoying skin condition (consider your french pardoned). And perhaps it's more fucking annoying in our heads than the physical manifestation of the virus. And if that's the case, then that means that if we change our mental perspective on it, we'll change our relationship to it. Understand that healing from this means changing your own stigma about herpes. Some people will reject herpes. Others will accept it wholeheartedly. Know that it will be a process of learning to love yourself first (I know, I know, sounds hokey). And it's true that every time someone who we're interested in turns us down that we can take it personally and have it affect our own opinion of ourselves OR just take that as part of the dating world. People go through this with herpes or not. Have you read the e-book yet? Good perspective-shifting stuff in there.

 

Looking forward to seeing you at the end of this month! You'll be a part of something awesome. :)

[mr_hopp]

Kath_R and GreenEyes, I hear you about dating within the herpes community. And I'm perfectly fine with that ... but it's when we SEGREGATE ourselves to only that community for the rest of our lives as if we're some sort of leper ... that's when I start getting protective of my fellow H-ers. Ultimately, going out and dating within the herpes community can be part of the healing process, to stay in the comfort zone of dating within your group. But ultimately, that's cutting you off from 84% of Americans who DON'T have herpes. And plenty of people who don't have herpes would happily date someone with herpes if it means being with an awesome person. In a way, dating only within the herpes community is pre-rejecting yourself from all of those people who don't have herpes.

[JanetD]

I agree with Adrial. It's fine for a while, and some people have met their life partners, but it's giving herpes way too much power over your life to only date within the herpes community.

[Lisa]

I understand about dating in and out of the H community... but i have had nothing but bad luck with non h'rs.... recently turned down again due to the H. I think it's easier to date with those who already have it... but finding that compatiable person is also a challenge! I could say so much more about this -but will hold for now....

[mr_hopp]

Hey Lisa! I'd love to hear your take on it, too. Always good to get a full understanding of the world of dating. And I get that if enough people reject us because of having herpes that it might feel like it means that we're not enough and turn to just dating in the herpes community. And in the same breath, rejection is a part of life. We're going to get rejected for all kinds of things in life: jobs, relationships, friends, winning the lottery ... So yes, there's the reality of if we put ourselves out there in the dating world at large, we will be facing more possibilities for rejection while we also open ourselves up to more possibility of finding the right match for us. It's a personal decision to make, for sure. My main point in saying all of this about dating is to bring it out in the light that we might be holding ourselves back because of fear of rejection. And rejection won't ever explicitly feel GOOD. But it's also a part of life. And it doesn't inherently mean anything about who we know ourselves to be.

[Carlos]

First of, welcome to the forum, CACCIATO... and THANKS--from the heart--for what you've done in the middle east in the name of this great, wonderful, yet sometimes nutty U.S. of A. Cheers, brother!

 

And I hear your frustration... be it HSV1 or HSV2, be it genital, oral, etc. stigma comes attached to it because most people who do not have (h) know zilch about it! Baffling, I know. But now that we stand--rather bare naked--with this virus; what choice do we have but to develop a deeper, lovelier connection to Number One (ourselves).

 

I find it a challenge, because we've been brainwashed on this side of the planet to think that being alone is being incomplete. Even before we were born, this perspective had its claws set deep into western society. (Thanks, HOLLYWOOD)

 

I recently found a quote by novelist William Gibson. It goes: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes."

 

The quote spoke volumes to me; not because there's value in demonizing and diminishing others in order to fluff up the ego--no--but because allowing another's ignorance to dictate how I should feel about my person is a trap. When someone rejects me, I remember the hundreds of auditions I've gone to that have not yielded a booking (I'm an actor in NYC). Bottom line, what's for me is for me and there ain't no virus that can cock-block fate. If someone I'm interested in won't accept me wholeheartedly with all my qualities and my flaws; that person--for sure--is no match.

 

Easier said than done, right? But worth the effort... One day at a time is how I do--sometimes tripping face first--but always getting back up.

 

Again, welcome to the Forum--you def not ALONE my man. Stay in touch!

 

Best,

Carlos

[hana1991]

Hello :)

As a girl who has been very sexually active in life, when i found out i had GHSV-1 well wanted to find the tallest building and jump ASAP. Luckily, my partner at the time helped me through it at first. However, we ended up breaking up a few months later and I was mortified that no one would want me anymore.

but you know what i found out...

Most of my former sex partners from before my relationship, (excuse my french) gave no fucks. In fact, several didn't even find it necessary to use a condom. I found this to be bewildering at the same time comforting. New partners however, seem more concerned about taking my word for it but honestly after getting out there and telling idk about a dozen people i had herpes and briefly explaining how type 1 is "not the scary kind" (no offense type 2's). I have not been rejected or turned down once. I believe it has almost been a blessing for me, no more are the days when I have to wait to see if a guy is only out for a fuck. Poof be gone time wasters. creepy guy hitting on you? uhhh i have herpes, go away. life gives you herpes, use herpes to get rid of creepy and assholes. :)

 

For the people who havent been as lucky....i really believe that it's how and when you present that information that makes all the difference.

1. dont tell everyone...if your on a first date...shhh keep it to yourself

when he wants you so bad its ripping your pants off or you just know...its about to go down. I find this is the best time... total mood killer i know but...

2. FUCKING OWN IT. you have herpes...so fucking what. you look that person straight in the eye and say it like it doesn't bother you one iota. you say it like it has not effected you AT ALL besides the usual "that sucks". this conveys to the other person that its not as bad as they probly think.

3. explain how type one is much more mild and throw out those low percent transmission rates. the numbers are on your side.

4. keep it quick...dont over explain them to death...they probly dont understand everything at this point so keep it quick and simple and truthful.

5. some readers might not agree...but i sugarcoat it a bit. I personally think that with a new partner they heard blah blah blah herpes blah blah "not the scary kind" "almost impossible for me to give it to you" blah blah. once again act like it aint no thing. people these days do not comprehend the fine details of our virus and they dont wana go into the logistics of it with you right before sex. they want to hear they will be safe. reassure them because even if they are not an expert. YOU know what YOU have to do to keep you both safe. see that its done.

 

this is just my experience in dealing with my diagnosis since July when i had my first outbreak. there's always going to be "that douche bag" the dude or girl who felt the need to make a nasty comment about my condition or not fully accept it because of ignorance.

those people suck anyways. herpes just let you know how much they sucked before you slept with them. hold your head high date whoever you want sleep with whoever you want. just use a condom now :) you should have been using a condom anyways, riiight.

anyways my whole point is...people loved you and wanted to sleep with you before herpes...dont let your attitude about having herpes change that person everyone wanted to bang ;)

 

Much Love

Hana

[WCSDancer2010]

@hana1991

 

Hello and Welcome ...

 

Glad to have a new face on the board who is coping well with the diagnosis. I generally agree with most of what you said ... but as an "old timer", I'd like to throw in a few comments ;)

 

type 1 is "not the scary kind" (no offense type 2's).

 

Well, I'd like to ask that we not try to make one "worse" than the other on here. Yes, H1 sheds less and doesn't transmit as easily on the genitals, but for many who have H1 (who have not adjusted as easily as you have) H1 is JUST as scary to THEM. I understand what you are saying (the risk is lower with H1) ... a better way would say that it's the same one as a cold sore in a different place and that it doesn't like it as much there, so it doesn't come out to play as much ;)

 

1. dont tell everyone...if your on a first date...shhh keep it to yourself

when he wants you so bad its ripping your pants off or you just know...its about to go down. I find this is the best time... total mood killer i know but...

 

I agree - don't tell on the first date ... but waiting until they are ripping your clothes off isn't a good idea either. We've had a number of people who did just this, and while they managed to have a great night of sex, for some their partner wasn't as "relaxed" about the whole thing the next day when they had time to think about it ... often alcohol was involved and certainly hormones were a-flowing.... so lets just say the wrong head was in charge. Not to say the person wouldn't have gone ahead with more warning, but the "cold shower" effect of waking up the next day and realizing they know nothing about Herpes has actually cost several people that relationship because it just plain got awkward.

 

What we generally suggest here is that when you know that the deed is likely going to happen soon, THAT is the time to sit your partner down and let them know what the deal is. As you say, if you own it, and you show that you are dealing with it and it's just a nuisance, that goes a long way. We also have Handouts on here that we suggest having on hand (not everyone feels comfortable with remembering the stats) and making sure you have resources like this place for anyone who wants to do their own due diligence (so you can keep them off of Google!)

 

Download the disclosure e-book + handouts here:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/when-should-i-disclose/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

When to have the H talk Adrial

 

As for sugar coating things, well, be careful with that. Good straight forward honesty should be enough to help you determine if the person (as you said) " is only out for a fuck." We maintain that Herpes is a great Wingman ... for just that reason ;)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

just use a condom now you should have been using a condom anyways, riiight.

 

Wellllll... most people get H1 from oral sex, and most people don't use condoms/barriers for that ... and just for any newbies that may read this, condoms are only 50% effective (and not at all if your OB area is in the boxer shorts area outside of where the condom covers) ... BUT, H1 does shed less and is less easy to pass on .... so the main thing is to just be VERY present with your body and if you think something may be happening, there's a whole lot of other ways to play ;)

 

(((HUGS)))