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Why suddenly on a man hunt after getting herpes

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Here is what I don't get.


Recently got out of a relationship and this was before I got H.

From the relationship my self esteem took a hit and I wanted to focus on myself and being happy with myself and by myself.


Then I get H and it's like all I think about is finding a guy to be with me and who will want to now that I have H.


This is so crazy because when I really think about it regardless of H I don't want to be in a relationship and I still have all the same things to work on and before H I was feeling better about myself and was enjoying being alone but still had a lot to achieve.


Wish I could stop thinking I need to find a guy ASAP because of H when really as a person I'm no different and still have the same things to work on and don't actually want a relationship.





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Sigh back...


Funny, I feel the exact same way. I think it's because we think that it is going to be a long road trying to find someone who will accept us with H....so we better get out there and start looking!!!!


I also find that since I had H, I have lots of feelings of loneliness b/c I can't just hop in bed with someone when I want.


We have to be strong and realize that the might man will come along when we are ready and not because we are on a mission!

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That's your brain f*cking with you. Tell it to shut the hell up ...LOL


I often see people needing to have it proven to them just once that a guy will still like them "even with herpes". We've had a number who have had one night stands (with disclosure mind you!) just to prove to themselves that they are still lovable, desirable, wanted, beautiful, whatever. I'll try to post a few links... you don't have to do it yourself but perhaps by reading of their experiences you can convince your brain that it's not being rational so it will pipe down, eh????


http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it thiisgoingtobeok


And her disclosure after to her now BF ;)




http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3271/first-disclosure-was-a-success-i-can-breathe-now- Rogue1313




Take your time to get to love YOU, but don't take 8 yrs like this one either ;)


http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3453/proper-vocabulary-i-have-herpes-vs-im-a-carrier-of-hsv blueeyes… ending 8 yr dry spell from terror to elation



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For me it's just so lonely getting H and having the relationship end. Probably why a part of me wants to try again. Being alone and new to H is a lot to handle when you don't have someone to hug and kiss you and cuddle you at night, tell you everything will be ok, we can get through this together.


So I'm just trying to focus on one day at a time, maybe that could help you too? I mean seriously, my focus is hourly sometimes, no more future than that. I think it's what keeping me sane.



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@diversgirl (and everyone else)


So I'm just trying to focus on one day at a time, maybe that could help you too? I mean seriously, my focus is hourly sometimes, no more future than that.


Honey, whether you realize it or not, this is the BIGGEST life lesson you will ever get... learning to live in the NOW, the PRESENT. Not projecting into the future (because it's a waste of time!), not living in the past (because it will only hold you back). But living moment to moment. Right now it feels weird and uncomfortable at times, but if you can try to stick with it and learn to embrace it, you will find yourself more free than you have EVER been. Promise ;)




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I feel like that too. The guy I was dating for 3 months seemed to accept me at first. He was confirmed H-. We had sex one time, with a condom then he washed himself off. After that he kept making excuses and blew me off. I understand him changing his mind and not wanting to take the risk but I wished he had talked to me face to face.


Now I'm constantly texting and talking to guys and trying to arrange dates, mostly with guys who's H status is unknown (never been tested) or claim they are "clean" and guys on Positive Singles (which they're aren't many where I live).


I'll make out and cuddle with them because I feel lonely and want to be physically close to someone. When they want to have sex I make some excuse to stop it from going further because I don't want to be rejected again. I'm getting to the point where I'm just trying to find a guy on PS to just have sex with. I feel like I think about men 24/7 and it's driving me crazy lol

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So friends... stop and think about this. You are looking to men for validation that you are still sexy and lovable.... and for many this is how we got H in the first place (points finger as self :( ). The lesson H can give you, (and I took 3 yrs off of dating a couple years back to get this message) is that you need to love YOU first and foremost. When you do, rejection doesn't hurt 1/10th as much (it may sting, but it doesn't floor you) because you know you don't NEED him to prove what a great person you are.


So try this - find something you can do to help others. Volunteer or get involved somewhere where you can give back. Also, if you have an interest that you have never pursued, do it now while you don't have some guy pissing and moaning that you are not there when HE wants you. I took up West Coast Swing dancing when I was getting divorced and it's a passion of mine now and I am soooo glad I took myself to that first dance 10 years ago. I've met a bunch of wonderful people and I get to express myself through dance several times a week. When I'm down and I dance, it helps get me back up.


The thing is, you really need to love yourself first before you can love someone else. So go out, have fun, and get to know YOU. You may be amazed at what a wonderful person you really are... and then you won't allow any guy who isn't worth being with you to get into your private world ;)

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I totally see where you ladies are coming from. Sometimes I have a voice that creeps into my head and tells me that if I could just get a guy to say "I'm ok with you having H" then I will know that everything will be ok. But the worry there is that you settle for the first guy that accepts the fact that you have H. If that's the case, you probably won't be very happy after all.


As Dancer said, focus on you first. Figure out what you like to do and freaking do that! It takes real work to get out of your own head after you've been there for so long but the result, as dancer said, is freedom. You've got one life and you're living it right now, so enjoy it, because when it comes down to it, it's just you and yourself. Of course, that is easier said than done, but if you can learn to live your life for you, you will attract someone you ACTUALLY LIKE! And you'll like them based on your interests and values rather than the fact that they accept that you have H.


I can tell you that it's going to happen for you. You're going to meet someone at some point in the future, so in the mean time live your life. Enjoy the people who are in it right now. And I know this is cliche but think about your past crushes/relationships. Did they come from an intense man hunt? Probably not. The best ones come around when you least expect it.

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Glad I'm not the only one.


Your all right of course.


I knew after my break up that no one could love me if I didn't love myself first - and that's even more true with having H.


Think it's time to just get back to basics thinking too far ahead has always been a problem of mine.

Truth is I actually want to learn to deal with and get used to having H alone, without any relationship/male issues.


Before H I was going to the gym 3/4 times a week plus playing 2 sports, I've not been to the gym because I'm afraid it'll cause an OB but I know that going to the gym made me happy and helped my moods stay constant.

Just going to have to man up and get back to the gym - so what if it causes and OB will just have to deal with it if it happens.


Can't class myself as "fragile" because of H otherwise that's what I will be.

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This was me when I first found out I had herpes . I was in pof & std dating sites . But after awhile stuff just got repeatative . I used ps alot & pof .I got tired of disclosing & being in fear of rejection . It seems like it's the end of the world but seriously there's 6.8 billion people in the world . Sorry if I got all cosmos lol .

There's always going to be someone for anyone . I threw myself into college & art .

There's always friends , hobbies just treat yourself . Spoil yourself & focus on what you really want

Even I had to learn & I'm still learning . Even now I'm a single mom with a newborn . I was like shit not only do I have herpes but I'm a single mom . I had my worries but once people found out the father wasn't involved its like I got hit on alot more . It's weird. . Looking back I wish I took things slow . Mainly for emotional reasons worrying about acceptance stressed me out & caused depression . Which caused frequent outbreaks .


But my opinion as a woman now days just love yourself & do what's best for you . Make sure you feel complete & amazing before anything .



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I think it's emotionally driven. I see people immediately start dating after separating from a boyfriend/girlfriend or divorcing. I think it's a sense of validation, needing to feel your value. Totally human nature, I think it's a defense mechanism to avoid having your self esteem implode.


There is nothing, NOTHING, wrong with dating after a herpes diagnosis.... we aren't ruined people, in many cases we become more enriched by it. You just have to keep in mind that you have to be open and honest with it about future partners.

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