Thought I was doing ok, now not so sure.

[Rj17]

First thank you for the site, this has been beyond helpful. Great info and everyone's uplifting tone is outstanding, I cant thank you enough for having this out there.

 

I'm a guy in his early 30ies, just out of a long term relationship. We both had STD tests before we started dating mine was honestly longer before than it should have been. Of course neither of us were tested for herpes then. I had just assumed the Doc says your good to go, that you are actual good to go... Doing the math it could have been either of us, I am honestly not sure if I ever was tested for it. That two responsible adults were so silly about this is the most maddening thing.

 

She left about a two months ago. So I decided to get back out there pretty quickly, dusted off the weights, comb my hair, buy some new threads ready to go. A few weeks ago an idea: Hey! Lets get an STD test!

 

Boom you have HSV-2. What. The. Hell. In hindsight paying some place so you get your Labcorp results online was not the best plan. Reading it on your phone at work in the coffee room was a worse plan.

 

Ok...call the Doc, Google Herpes 2...oh this is great...doom. Call her...she flips the f out. Great. More Doom. Flips out on herself convinced she gave it to me and is looking for some comfort, which I give but she cant stop saying how she will do awful things to herself if she was the one that ruined my life. Wait what? I'm ruined?, great thanks...Doom.

 

So i spend a few days comforting an ex, whom mind you is still waiting for results, no idea if she even has it. Was draining.

Went through a week of my life is over which was a blast. Few moments of why me pity. Never really mad, no one did this on purpose, there are a million things worse. Mostly depressed.

 

My issue is that I'm few weeks out from finding out about this and not doing as well as I thought. In some sort of denial or lack of acceptance I am not sure what, not of my status I get that. I decided early on that it wont stop me, its a gut punch but ill keep going, but Im not sure if i really believe that yet.

 

Decided that the best plan (I have awful plans) was to hurry up and meet someone because Im going to have to date around 30,000 women before I find one that is ok with this. Funny thing is I was never very good at it but all of a sudden getting numbers, online dating which i never tried is funny, great responses. Gone on a a few first dates, few second ones. But I caught myself yesterday thinking..wow I like her, she is very nice. I hope she does not call. Or I get a message and Im...oh why did you respond. Now im going to waste your time and drop a bomb on you if we really hit it off.

 

Guess I am not as accepting of this as I thought. Do these go away? Im so very tired of thinking about herpes. I want a cure from thinking about it. I dont even care that I have it at this point...just stop thinking about it. Lets get a salad...you have herpes....lets get gas..hey! yep! still have herpes. In a meeting...who else here has herpes...So very tiring.

 

This was way longer than I thought Ill post the med questions elsewhere. Sorry for the rant Needed to tell someone about this. Thanks for reading.

[ShaeShae]

I am in the SAME BOAT. Found out, disclosed, he dumped me. I have immediately thrown myself back into the world of dating though I am nowhere near emotionally ready to do so, except that it's going to take me about 10 million years to find a guy who won't be thoroughly disgusted at the thought of touching me. So the longer I go without trying to find him is completely wasted time. So you're not alone there.

 

funny enough H dominates my thoughts throughout normal everyday activities as well. Oh, I'm making a cup of coffee, and I have herpes. I'm driving in my car singing along to the radio, and I have herpes. I'm talking on the phone to my mom and I still have herpes. It is so unbelievably frustrating I just want to scream!!!

 

Let me know if you find out how to make all the nonsense stop.

 

 

 

 

[forgivenessandpeace]

I'm so stressed and anxious about something else in my life right now that being h+ feels like nothing. Coming up on my 2 year anniversary and beginning to come to terms. They physical symptoms, although ferocious with that never ending initial outbreak, have simmered down quite a bit (even in this super-stressful time right now no outbreak) I'm even beginning to adopt the attitude of fuck you stigma. The funny and inspirational stories on this site have helped me tremendously. I recommend spending some time in the success stories section.

[Ihaveittoo1975]

Guys, you are definitely not alone feeling this way. I'm two months in from contracting it and after the initial ob when I was ob free for a few weeks I felt pretty good. I got back into the hay too soon which triggered a second ob. As soon as that ob sttled down I spotted a single spot on the tip of my head which has now lingered there for five days despite topical treatment and antivirals. This has caused my thoughts to get back into the mode of constantly thinking about it when I am not busy at work. Yesterday I even broke down crying when talking to my ex.

 

I have no pain with my ob's, but they act as a constant reminder of H. I realize that it's likely that my number of ob's will settle down as time goes, but as I was doing quite well staying clear after my first ob I was hoping I would be one of the lucky few who would have very few ob's. It doesn't seem to be the case now, and it has hit me pretty hard. I might have gotten nonchalant with what I eat as it seemed initially I had no food triggers, now I am not so sure. This thing sure is hard to figure out.

 

As far as dating, my advise is to put that on hold and figure things out first and focus on yourself physically and emotionally. You will be more likely to have a succes story to share with us if you have things under control.

[forgivenessandpeace]

Oh it's definitely a roller coaster ride. Just a few short months ago I was in a very dark and angry place, giving all kinds of emotional energy to all the wrong places. Sometimes I must confess I'm even thinking "yeah bullshit this is just a nuisance skin condition". (@WCSDancer2010 you know I love you). It can feel downright debilitating with a severe initial outbreak, to be honest. And we KNOW how emotionally debilitating it can be; in fact it's not unlike the emotional trauma of a love relationship break-up.

 

The point is there is a LOT going on and quite a bit to process initially and periodically thereafter. Add to this that very few people ever receive their diagnosis news in the best, supportive, most informative way. [We on this forum should really write a herpes diagnosis patient care protocol for the health care industry to adopt.]

 

I would encourage all newbie herpsters to slow everything in their lives down to the extent possible. Simplify your life and stabilize yourself physically and emotionally. As much as we love sex (that's usually how we got here after all), we're probably not doing ourselves or our partners any favors by continuing on with sex as usual.

 

But we WILL have sex again. Lots of sex. With partners who love us physically, emotionally, intellectually, who love us in our entirety. I'm not there yet but I am very encouraged by veteran herpsters on this site who report the best sex of their lives. Take that HSV. ;)

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hey everyone, I am contemplating whether my words will offer any solace... but I am going to share them anyways. I think like anything that is hard to accept in life, ie: being diagnosed with herpes, mourning the loss of a loved one, experiencing heartbreak, losing a job or a home, or being diagnosed with a terminal illness, it takes time. We can't look back, dwell in the past and beat ourselves up for the choices we made. What purpose or good will that really serve us? Instead, the first step in accepting all of this, is forgiveness. Forgive yourself for the hurt, guilt and disappointment you carry. And be patient with yourself. We are not invincible, and we will have days that will be hard and painful... but that's ok. It's ok to cry and to hurt when we need to, but by the same token, recognize your life is still beautiful. I strongly believe that the depth of our pain is mirrored by the heights of our joys. This means that no matter how badly you are hurting, you can and will heal... and when you do, you will be that much more grateful for the happiness and love that your life offers you. Forgiveness, patience, gratitude and self-love, are all choices we make. I don't want to imply it's easy, but it is worth it.

 

I would agree with @Ihaveittoo1975... if you are still coping with the diagnosis, trying to heal from the pain, and trying to find self-acceptance, don't jump back into the dating world just yet. Give yourself some time to get things together, to make yourself whole again. When I was first diagnosed, I was always very positive (It's the way i chose to live), but I felt empty... like I had nothing in me to give anyone. I was shattered by the diagnosis, but more by the man who chose to leave upon my immediate disclosure. In a way, his act with selfless... yes, he didn't want to assume any risk, but he also recognized that the healing was something that I needed to do on my own. It didn't dawn on me until later, when all I had was myself, that I needed so desperately to re-fuel my heart, for me. How can I offer love to anyone, if I don't have love for myself? In striving every day to find peace, love and acceptance within me, I realized how badly that was actually missing in my life in the first place. I thought I loved myself, but here was opportunity to see how clearly I needed more. Somebody else won't make you feel whole, loved or accepted, no matter how hard you try, or how perfect they might be. That always comes from within.

 

I guess, all this to say, feed your own soul first. It will lead you to acceptance. Try to find ways to love yourself, but don't beat yourself up when you falter. Accept pain as an opportunity to find greater joy... and try, as best you can, to stay positive, to see the glass half full. There are always things in life that we can be grateful for, and always an opportunity to see light in the darkest of moments. If anything, know that time heals all. Give yourself time.

 

A quote to leave you with:

 

"Peace is the result of training your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be."

 

Sending you all lots love.

[forgivenessandpeace]

Beautifully said @PositivelyBeautiful

[Rj17]

Thank you all. Honestly Thank You. I know slowing things down is the right way to go. I just had the need to do something... if I kept moving forward, get back out there I thought it would help. It would be like I wasn't giving up...but it is way to soon. I thought I was attacking the problem but that was just running away, I knew that but still tried.

 

Its not about the sex, not at all. God knows if I tried now I would be a mess. It was just about finding someone as soon as possible that would accept this. But that is a selfish reason. I don't even accept this yet so I could not be a caring person in a relationship. Just trying to fill a void, dont want to be alone...which is a bad reason and unfair to them. If I disclosed and one of these dates accepted this today I would probably ask her to marry me on the spot which is awful... ha. Plus im sure at this point I would be a bad ambassador trying to explain herpes when I dont even understand yet.

 

And I am angry. Angry at alot of things. Thought if I believed I was not angry then it made it true, so silly.

 

I am angry I have herpes. Angry I did not know i had HSV2. Never had a outbreak, or I should say now that I never had one bad enough that I realized what is was. I just assumed I would know I had herpes. So very angry at that one....just assumed...ha.

 

Angry that I dont know who or when, angry that I could have put my ex and others at risk, angry she was the only one I have told and the only one I have to talk about this. Angry that I cant talk to her. Angry that I go out, have fun, laugh around others and it is 100% fake. Angry im alone. Angry that this make be feel weak, less of a man that I could have put people I cared about at risk.

 

Im even angry that im angry because there are so so so many things that are worse than herpes, it feels selfish that im mad about something so small compared to what others deal with on a daily basis.

 

Thank you for the quote...it stuck in my head all day. "Peace is the result of training your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be."

 

If that is peace, wow. Just wow. I am no where close to accepting this. Intellectually I understand I have this. But I am still trying to attack a problem, trying to find a work around so i can ignore it.

 

Thanks again

[Chinup]

I am right there with you all.. 4 months in on my diagnosis and having my 4th ob.. At this point I am so disappointed and let down by my own body. I'm in great health, rarely get sick, and yet, I can't seem to go 3 weeks without an ob and I'm on suppressives. And I'm in the same boat where I feel like no man will ever want to risk being with me. It's depressing, to say the very least. I know the stats are 1 in 4, but I certainly feel completely alone in all of this. My 29th bday is this week and ill likely lose my damn mind if this thing isn't cleared up by then. I spent my 28th bday home alone (going through a separation) and I refuse to spend my last bday in my 20's home alone again. Can't catch a break here :-(

[WCSDancer2010]

@Rj17

 

Honey - it's ok ... you are actually doing great! (stick with me here!) ... you are right in the middle of dealing with the "grieving process". Any time something big changes in our lives where we feel loss (not just a death) we NEED to go through all the stages of the process in order to come to a healthy balance again. Your post about your anger was a great step - you are acknowledging the anger (the ONLY way to process it is to admit it first!)

 

As usual @Positive put it so Beautifully! I LOVE this quote

 

"Peace is the result of training your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be."

 

It's sooooo spot on! One thing that may help you with this is this link - I go to it on a VERY regular basis for myself....the more you can understand how to let go of Attachment, the better your life will be ;)

 

http://zenhabits.net/zen-attachment/

 

And while you think you may need to date 30,000 women to find someone who will love you and your little viral friend, you really need to just take some time and read the Success Stories on here. I'm going to post a few of my favorites below, but check them all out. You would be amazed at how many people find discordant (H-) partners who love them no matter what ... AND the love they find is deeper and more meaningful than they have ever experienced. I tell people all the time that Herpes makes a GREAT Wingman because you simply are FORCED to make better choices around who you will allow into your vulnerable space :)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

SUCCESS STORIES

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said-thisisgoingtobeok

If you want to see the tale of someone who ran the gamut of emotions, go to TIGTBOK's page and read all of her discussions.... :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3983/successful-disclosure-male-to-female xrcb 8/12

 

And finally... Herpes gives us the opportunity to stop and really LOOK at how we approach relationships. In a day and age of the Hook-up and the sex-on-the-3rd-date rule we have put sex BEFORE relationship ... and even in a FWB situation *some* form of trust is necessary in order for the relationship to work.... Herpes also gives us the chance to look inward and learn to love and be patient with OURSELVES. Because until we achieve that, we will never be a balanced and healthy partner for our loved one.

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/finding-your-authentic-self-with-herpes/

 

(((HUGS)))

[WCSDancer2010]

@forgivenessandpeace

 

[We on this forum should really write a herpes diagnosis patient care protocol for the health care industry to adopt.]

 

Well, that is actually in the plans... and I'm actually going to be making a foray into this in a few weeks as I just got the OK to talk to the OBGYN's/medical staff in the office in the building I work in. I'm just starting to draft that Protocol for them and they will me my guinea pigs ... I'm really excited to see how it goes :)

[Rj17]

Thank You all. I did decide to slow things down. I seem to change my mind every 30 seconds about things so I will let this be for awhile. The stories do help.

 

You guys are doing a great service here. Thank You!

 

This has really been the only thing to calm me down from running around in circles.

[hope29]

I don't know if I'm much help but I'm a Lil over a month into my diagnosis or so I think.. I don't think I was over my first ob before the second one came charging in. This one not so bad like a paper cut or two lol but itching sucks. But I did not take my diagnosis well. I had the oh great nobody will want me too I don't even like me too I can't live with this onto so many dark places in a matter of days. I literally went through every emotion 50 times a day. A Rollercoaster. I am blessed to have a man who more than helped me through this he carried me through it. Then I wok up & realized it's not that bad. In all honesty I went through a period of my life where I used sex to find love & herpes was the result of my low self-esteem. So now I get to keep herpes forever :) I take a shower & I start laughing cuz it's all u can do. It's not going away. Breathe cuz someone will love you & at least they will love you & be with you cuz they want to. There are dating sites for people with H. Who want to be loved to. But you have to accept this first. Guess it's like the saying nobody can love you until you love yourself. It's going to be ok. But you can't go into a relationship feeling negative about h & expect someone to understand it hope that kinda helps chin up. Got to find the humor in this or it will bring you completely down.

[JessikaRabbit89]

I can totally relate. My ex boyfriend popped back into the picture just a few days after being tested H+. When I told him, the text messages abruptly stopped. Lol I had trouble finding love before I caught this so I can only imagine how hard its going to be now..but I will stay optimistic. Good luck to you.